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  #1  
Old 14th December 2009, 07:39 PM
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Supposed to be single?

I almost never even visit this section of the forum, but for whatever reason decided to today. Never intended to post here, but reading some of the other members' questions got me thinking about my own life.

Here's the deal in a nutshell: I'm 39, single, female, never married. Never even really been in a relationship. While there have been times that I wanted to be in a loving relationship, I have never, ever had any desire for sex. Ever.

Needless to say, I've never had sex, and don't care one bit. I don't crave it or think much about it at all. But that doesn't mean that I've never been "in love" or felt any attraction toward members of the opposite sex- just that I don't desire that specific part of a relationship.

This leaves me confused about what God expects from me. I am perfectly happy being single most of the time. But sometimes I wish there was someone special in my life. To make matters worse are those who pile guilt trips on (mostly women) Christian singles who aren't married, because we're supposed to "be fruitful and multiply!"

You can't marry if there's no one for you to marry! The closest I ever came to marriage was with a creepy guy who, in spite of being a so-called Christian, stalked, belittled, and tried to control me. He also nearly raped me. I didn't love him. I didn't even like him. But my mother became friends with him and kept encouraging him to hang around me. I was terrified of him!

Also, up until just a few months ago I was a full-time caregiver to my mother, until she passed away. I believe I was doing what God wanted me to do- take care of her. Had I been married, that wouldn't have been possible to the extent that I did it.

So what would you think, if you were in this situation? Am I meant to be single, or if "the right person" comes into my life (as if!) would marriage be wrong for me, since I have virtually no sexual desire? It would seem to be unfair to a partner, wouldn't it?
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  #2  
Old 15th December 2009, 05:51 PM
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Seems to me that you have been given the gift of "singleness" but of course this doesnt mean that you dont desire companionship. However for marriage there must be a God given desire for complete intimacy. As I understand it, God gives men and women the gift of "singleness" for a reason. He has a ministry for such a person that cant be fulfilled in a marriage relationship. Of course it is also possible that if you were to meet the "right" man then you might develop a godly desire for him, for a complete intimate relationship. A lotta if's but such is life we dont have it all worked out or do we?
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  #3  
Old 15th December 2009, 06:18 PM
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Hello, I agree that this is a gift. Many people waste their lives away looking for "the one", giving away their bodies freely, never realizing that "the one" is Jesus! You might be meant for a higher purpose. Yes, it is lonely and I myself, while I've had many relationships and been with several women, I consider all of these acts to be sinful (although I've gained a beautiful daughter from it all, after all we are all conceived in sin). I think that if you can accept this lot in life you will find a satisfaction no man will ever be able to give you.

If the intimacy is something you crave, then you might try praying to Him to bring you the one who will give you mortal love, such as it is. There are men out there who can't have sex, due to handicaps or illnesses, who still crave the companionship of a woman. There is much more to intimacy than the physical sexual act, and God would not have given us these feelings if we are not meant to express them in some way, or at least channel them.

At least, such is my opinion
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  #4  
Old 15th December 2009, 08:17 PM
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Thanks for your replies! Good answers...and I also entertain the idea that maybe I was meant to be single for a time, but perhaps it's not a life-long thing. I've heard others say things like that.

Oh well, if "Mr. Right" comes into my life and it's meant to be, then God will make me want to be with him, as you said. In the meantime, I'm good.
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  #5  
Old 16th December 2009, 01:05 AM
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Hi believenolies,
Welcome to the forum and thanks for posting.
I think you can enter a relationship with a man for companionship. Women are also there for freindship. I'd say for you to be honest with the guy about you lack of sexual desire. As men get older a larger precent also aren't interested in sex. So you might want to find one of them.

The other thing to consider is that you haven't turned on your sexual nature so to speak. I'd heard of people not being interested till they meet the right person. Once they had sex and started to explore their sexuality it became quite important to them. That's some people, not all.

I don't think there is a definitive answer unless God speaks to you. So keep walking with Jesus.

dayhiker
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  #6  
Old 17th December 2009, 09:40 PM
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Originally Posted by believenolies View Post
I almost never even visit this section of the forum, but for whatever reason decided to today. Never intended to post here, but reading some of the other members' questions got me thinking about my own life.

Here's the deal in a nutshell: I'm 39, single, female, never married. Never even really been in a relationship. While there have been times that I wanted to be in a loving relationship, I have never, ever had any desire for sex. Ever.

Needless to say, I've never had sex, and don't care one bit. I don't crave it or think much about it at all. But that doesn't mean that I've never been "in love" or felt any attraction toward members of the opposite sex- just that I don't desire that specific part of a relationship.

This leaves me confused about what God expects from me. I am perfectly happy being single most of the time. But sometimes I wish there was someone special in my life. To make matters worse are those who pile guilt trips on (mostly women) Christian singles who aren't married, because we're supposed to "be fruitful and multiply!"

You can't marry if there's no one for you to marry! The closest I ever came to marriage was with a creepy guy who, in spite of being a so-called Christian, stalked, belittled, and tried to control me. He also nearly raped me. I didn't love him. I didn't even like him. But my mother became friends with him and kept encouraging him to hang around me. I was terrified of him!

Also, up until just a few months ago I was a full-time caregiver to my mother, until she passed away. I believe I was doing what God wanted me to do- take care of her. Had I been married, that wouldn't have been possible to the extent that I did it.

So what would you think, if you were in this situation? Am I meant to be single, or if "the right person" comes into my life (as if!) would marriage be wrong for me, since I have virtually no sexual desire? It would seem to be unfair to a partner, wouldn't it?
You and I are very similar here. The biggest difference is that for most of my life I did consider myself to be celibate. The problem is that I discovered not too long ago that I had been wrong about that. I had misunderstood the nature of celibacy. From my personal experience I can tell you that if you are truly called to be celibate it's a decision and way of life that you just know without a doubt is meant for you and you wouldn't trade it for anything else. What caused me to realize that I wasn't made for it is I realized that I had been fighting it all along and lying to myself that it was something that I was cut out for. One day I finally realized that if I was intended to be celibate that I wouldn't have been having so much trouble with it. One of the biggest signs that you are called to celibacy is that you have no desire to have any type of intimate or romantic relationship with anyone. If you ever do then I would seriously advise you to reconsider it. Also, many people today (including Christians) don't think very highly of celibacy and will treat a celibate or single person over a certain age with a large degree of suspicion or just think that they are pathetic, a loser, things like that, and will put you down behind your back. A lot of people only give lip service to celibacy being a noble calling so you need to have a decent amount of self esteem to counter some of the stuff you will get from some people.

A real and loving relationship doesn't really have to have sex to be good, and true and perfect love can exist without it. But, if you don't have any interest and he does then it just won't work. That would be putting an unreasonable and unfair expectation on him and it won't end well. Make sure that a man you are interested in either has no sex drive either or it's low enough that not having it won't be a problem for him.
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Old 11th January 2010, 07:54 PM
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You are blessed! Truly because I truly feel in my heart that because of my sexual abusive past it led me to do things I didn't want to do. I don't know why I did them and it saddens me because now I've been raped and the result of that, I am pregnant. I felt like if my family wasnt so dysfunctional and taught me better, I would of loved and cared for myself better. I wouldnt be curious about men and wouldnt want that love. Now that I am 11 weeks pregnant, I made a dedication to celibacy for life and to never be married. I am always at peace more when I am alone. It has its bad days but I dont worry about them. We all have to sacrifice something. It just hurts that I've destroyed my future and my childs
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Old 12th January 2010, 12:49 PM
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Originally Posted by HisW0rd View Post
You are blessed! Truly because I truly feel in my heart that because of my sexual abusive past it led me to do things I didn't want to do. I don't know why I did them and it saddens me because now I've been raped and the result of that, I am pregnant. I felt like if my family wasnt so dysfunctional and taught me better, I would of loved and cared for myself better. I wouldnt be curious about men and wouldnt want that love. Now that I am 11 weeks pregnant, I made a dedication to celibacy for life and to never be married. I am always at peace more when I am alone. It has its bad days but I dont worry about them. We all have to sacrifice something. It just hurts that I've destroyed my future and my childs
Wow Im so sorry about what has happened to you, but curious to why you would say you've destroyed your future and your child's? God has a plan and a purpose for everything in our lives and can even use what was meant for evil for good. He has allowed you to be in this place at this time, and you are recognizing Him there as you have peace being alone (with Him). I would say to you, that you do not know exactly what the future holds and if you think you do, you severly limit God's abilities and power. Meditate on the Word of God and ask him what he wants you to learn from this and let the Holy spirit guide you to walk in His will and His ways and you will be amazed years from now to reflect on all God has done in your life and the life of your child.
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Old 12th January 2010, 07:34 PM
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[quote=believenolies;53738860]I almost never even visit this section of the forum, but for whatever reason decided to today. Never intended to post here, but reading some of the other members' questions got me thinking about my own life.

Here's the deal in a nutshell: I'm 39, single, female, never married. Never even really been in a relationship. While there have been times that I wanted to be in a loving relationship, I have never, ever had any desire for sex. Ever.

Needless to say, I've never had sex, and don't care one bit. I don't crave it or think much about it at all. But that doesn't mean that I've never been "in love" or felt any attraction toward members of the opposite sex- just that I don't desire that specific part of a relationship.

This leaves me confused about what God expects from me. I am perfectly happy being single most of the time. But sometimes I wish there was someone special in my life. To make matters worse are those who pile guilt trips on (mostly women) Christian singles who aren't married, because we're supposed to "be fruitful and multiply!"

You can't marry if there's no one for you to marry! The closest I ever came to marriage was with a creepy guy who, in spite of being a so-called Christian, stalked, belittled, and tried to control me. He also nearly raped me. I didn't love him. I didn't even like him. But my mother became friends with him and kept encouraging him to hang around me. I was terrified of him!

Also, up until just a few months ago I was a full-time caregiver to my mother, until she passed away. I believe I was doing what God wanted me to do- take care of her. Had I been married, that wouldn't have been possible to the extent that I did it.

So what would you think, if you were in this situation? Am I meant to be single, or if "the right person" comes into my life (as if!) would marriage be wrong for me, since I have virtually no sexual desire? It would seem to be unfair to a partner, wouldn't it?[/quote]
Ok I gatta say something here. I have read so many womens responses and they all are the same. Everybody says they are loving God .......Listen I no vary well that we are to put God first in everything. But (He is our Father) That is a different kind of love. My love for my mother is (not) the same as my the love I had for my ex wive. Now unless any of yall can show me a verse where we are not suppose to have husbands and wives but have God (instead) well please let me know about it. belivenolies it sounds like you had a bad experience when you were young as most of us do.You dont have to have actuall sex to have a bad experience. I to had a bad (but with sex) experience when I was 15 and I did not have sex again till I was 32. But I have also had a trully great marriage. I found the one for me and I alone messed it up. Heck it was actually fun just to go to the grocery store, we were always holding hands and these little things like this get to a point to where they are like sex... mean well it all adds to it...well an extension to sex making the act of sex more enjoyable something like that Im not good at explaining that sorry. I mean if you trully love someone you will want to satisfy them. And when this happens then sex starts building and the desire and everything in you whether you want it to or not. Love is the best thing we can phsically experience in life. God is love He made love He made man and woman to be in love. And I just do not believe that the Lord wants anyone to miss out on that. And Im sorry if I am getting anybody upset here. It is after all just one mans thoughts.
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Old 13th January 2010, 04:38 PM
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Well there is no where that it says in the Bible that everyone should have a mate either. It actually says in 1 Corinthians that in Paul's opinion it would be better for them if they remain unmarried, but if they cannot exercise self control, let them marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion. (1 Corinthians 7:8,9).
We need to remember that although we are human, we were created for God's purposes, not the other way around. No where is it promised that we will receive everything we want in life if we are Christian. I think whenever we dwell on that which we do not have, yet want, it will cause us trouble. We should be focusing on what God's purpose for our lives are, and if it includes a spouse, God will provide. We are also told in the Bible to be content in whatever circumstances we find ourselves in (Philippians 4:11). When our focus is on ourselves and what we want, we will always be disappointed because we always want more of something or less of something or something different. We should focus on what God wants to do thru us, and if that brings us a mate, how wonderful, but if it does not, we need to be content that we are doing the Lord's work regardless and He will bless us as He sees fit.
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Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not to your own understanding, in all thy ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your path. Proverbs 3:5-6
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