Changes...I need help!

Hey. It's me again.

I posted something here a while ago and I want to thank everyone who replied to my thread.
But I'm posting here again because things have changed...

As I mentioned in my other thread, five months ago, my life was just fine. No problems and I was happy. Until suddenly anxiety hit me and didn't leave. It was there 24/7. And then suddenly, depression symptoms started coming up. It stayed that way for a while until last month. The anxiety finally went away, but the depression stayed.
My mother once told me that there are two kinds of depression. (Generally speaking) The kind of depression that makes you feel sad all the time. And the kind of depression that makes you feel apathetic about almost, if not, everything.

I have the apathetic depression. Nothing seems to matter to me anymore.
I don't care about anything either. Life feels like it's a chore to get through each day. Sometimes I get so mentally tired and sleep doesn't help much.
I try not to think about the future because when I do, it feels bleak and empty. Almost non-existent.

I've been on antidepressants for four months and I've noticed some changes. But not very big ones. Apparently, my dosage was below the average dose and recently, we had it raised to the average dose.
I also have a Christian councilor I've been seeing and I've learned a lot from her.
For example; she says that apathy can make a person feel like they won't get better and/or don't want to get better. I defiantly have that feeling.

I get a lot of negative thoughts too. Suicide has been on my mind ever since this all started, but I refuse to do it.
Then I got confused on whether I wanted to go to hell or not. But then I learned that no one wants to go there. Especially a Christian, so I knew that, that feeling/worry couldn't be true. (Plus apathy plays a role in all this.)

Other things I've noticed is that physical things that used to bug me like crazy, don't bother me as much. Like pain for example. I hated pain like no other. But now, whenever I get hurt or something, it's just like; "Ow...that hurt. Oh well."
The same goes with the cold. I've always hated cold temperatures and now they don't seem to bother me as much anymore.

I've been reading Christian books and the Bible everyday. The same with praying to God almost everyday.

Everyone tells me I should try and distract myself, but I just can't seem to. Once in a while I can, but everything always seems to come back so quickly. Not to mention its hard to get distracted when nothing really interests me.

But just today, I started getting crazy thoughts in my head. Things such as, "what if this is just the way I am now?" and "What if depression isn't real and this is just the way I am?"

Before I knew it, I started questioning everything in life. Like "What if "this" is false?" and "What if "that" is false?" Literally everything.
Tons of questions suddenly attacked my mind.
"What if everything I know is a lie?" "What if everything I believe in is a lie?"

Tons and tons of things. I know they're not true...but they won't leave me alone! And it's as if my answers and the truth won't satisfy them!
The questions gave me horrible anxiety and I almost feel sick to my stomach.
My mind seems like its trying to find more things to torture me with and try to destroy me and confuse me.

Is this normal for depression? Has anyone else experienced these things? What should I do now? Am I going mentally crazy?
I'm scared and worried...I don't want to live the rest of my life like this.

God Bless.

Hi hun,
Sorry things are so hard right now.
What you're experiencing is really normal for depression. Feeling apathetic and not being able to enjoy anything is so common that it has a proper medical name, "anhedonia". It is hard to get motivation if you don't enjoy anything but it's important to try and continue doing things you used to enjoy.

You could be quoting from my journal anytime in 08/09 I was in really dark depression and I questioned everything. It twisted my thinking until I wasn't even sure if God was good or if I felt so guilty because God was angry.

Slowly things improved and I realized that God had been there all along and wasn't angry at my questioning. Negative thinking is a symptom of depression. It's not you. Nobody's 'baseline' mood is that low.

If you've only just started the right dose of medication it could still take 6-8 weeks before you notice any changes. It won't be like this forever, I promise. Even if this medication doesn't help there are a LOT of other types of medication that can be used.

Your counselor might already be teaching you some cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT); if not maybe you could check out some of it online and ask her if that would help you.

I've been through what you are going through. Anxiety leads to depression. It is a twisted emotion that rips through the soul, devours the heart, and deadens the mind. It paralyzes you and collapses you as you struggel just to breathe. I've been there - its an agonzing emotion.

Listen, your challenge is to get past the anxiety. Somehow, someway. Anxiety is the fuel to depression. The only way I could "hold" anxiety away was with distraction. If I didn't distract myself, I'd be dead right now. The more I distracted myself, the more the anxiety went away. Distraction is hard in the middle of a depression - but distraction doesnt' have to be anything fantastic ... it can be as simple as taking walk. Finding some small goal and aiming towards it.

Another thing that helped ... ask yourself what could make you happy. Then hold on to that thought and let that thought be your HOPE. Hold on to that hope - hold on to it with every strength in you. Because as long as you have hope, you will continue to breathe, and the pain of anxiety will diminish.

And finally ... as cheesy and as common this is, it also helped me: take it one day at at time. Do not think of tomorrow. Only think of today. Those rare moments of happiness and peace .... that is what it can be always. And so, let THAT be your hope. Jesus said to not worry about tomorrow. It says it right there in the Gospel. For if Jesus made it loud and clear, then that is a truth we must believe in.

You hang in there. You are doing the best you can. And one day at a time ...

__________________
"Let nothing disturb thee; Let nothing dismay thee; All thing pass;
God never changes. Patience attains All that it strives for.
He who has God finds he lacks nothing: God alone suffices."
- St. Teresa of Avila


St. Dymphna, our hero in depression and mental health, send us a prayer ...

Thanks for the replies. They're encouraging.
Found out recently that I may have to change meds. A couple of days after we raised the dosage, weird things started happening. So the doctor is going to try a different med. Oh well...it's typical for antidepressants, I was told. :/

Recently, I've been feeling overwhelmingly apathetic.
Even about the important things. My feelings tend do go somewhere like this:

"Good, evil, Heaven, hell, Life, death, Food, no food, Relief, pain...They feel the same/I don't care..."

Has anyone else experienced that? It seems to be the biggest things that bother me right now.

I'm praying for you Moon Girl.

yes, I use to feel that way. like nothing made sense, nothing mattered. they are symptoms of depression definitely.

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"I can do all things through Him who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13

Anxiety often accompanies depression, as seems to be the case with you.
Antidepressants, when taken alone, can also induce anxiety. This happened to me and my doctor prescribed a benzodiazapine (clonazepam). It really helped a lot with my anxiety and my sleep.

I think that this might be the way for you to go right now. I suggest that you make an appointment with your doctor to discuss this, especially if you plan on continuing with prescription meds to deal with your depression.

Hey guys. Thanks again for all the replies and prayers. I appriciate them a lot.

I just have one last question...something that's been bugging me the most...

As I mentioned before, I'm dealing with apathy. But also, like I've mentioned before, I've had a thought in my head a lot. The, "What if I want to go to hell?" thought.

I'd figure that's not true, considering that anybody who knew the truth about that place would never want to go there. Not to mention a Christian would never want to go there either.

But once I thought that thought, it got stuck in my mind and wouldn't leave me alone. It's been a little over a month since it's been stuck in my mind.
I've been told that if you think about something too much, it might "feel" like it's real.
That's how I feel...it's been on my mind so much, it almost feels real.

My answer has always been the same though. "No, I don't want to go to hell." But the thought still bugs me. And even when I get distracted, something always feels off. That or the "hell" thought would invade my mind again.
Sometimes I even find myself to be curious as to what it would be like!

Just the thought of hell used to scare me a lot. And I knew, 100%, that I didn't want to go there. Ever.
But now, when I think about what'll be like, it doesn't scare me like it used to. And I don't feel 100% confident that I don't want to go there. But I feel the same way about Heaven.
I'm wondering if this has to do with my apathy? Has anyone else experienced this? Is this normal with depression/apathy? I'd really love to hear what others have to say about this...

Thanks!

Your depression is like a black cloud that hangs over everything you do, think and feel.

It's not that you don't care about going to hell, it's just that anxiety & depression inevitably result in apathy when left untreated--it wears you out emotionally. My pet apathetic phrase is, "I don't wish I was dead; I just wish I'd never been born."

You also need a spark to make you care enough to love again. When this happens, your apathy will be gone.

honestly, in my depression, I would ask God to send me to Hell, because I felt unworthy of His love and wanted to be punished for all the things I had done.

but no, not even asking to go can stop God's great love... He loves You, and if you are a Christian who trusts in Jesus Christ as Your Savior, God isn't going to send you there... He loves you... and you are so special to Him. It grieves Him that you feel this way. praying for you.

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"I can do all things through Him who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13

Hi Moon Girl,

There is a Scripture that says "My enemy struck in the day of my disaster." Your enemy, the devil, is spitting his venom on your thoughts. He knows you are down and he's taking advantage. The depression is the day of your disaster and he is striking by whispering these thoughts in your ear.

But the second part of that verse says, "But the Lord delivered me because he delighted in me." As my pastor says, "There is a war going on, a Spiritual war. Only one thing cuts through all the lies and opinions of man. It is the truth of an ancient book, the Bible. It is God's Word. God's Sword." You (and I and every other Christian who wants to live for the Lord) are in the heat of that battle. And when we hear the lies we need to counter them with the truth.

Think of it from the enemy's point of view. He wants you defeated. You've got some chemical things going on right now that make you suseptable to negative and apathetic thoughts. And you need to fight. What better strategy than to tell you over and over again while you're at your most vulnerable: "You don't care. You don't care. Heaven. Hell. What's it all matter, anyway. God? Life, death. Blessing, cursing. Whatever. Who cares?" But these lies are as old as the Garden of Eden. The devil went to Eve and said, "You know, this God thing really isn't all it's cracked up to be. And God doesn't really mean what he says anyway, so jump on my bandwagon. You won't be sorry." (Paraphrase of course.) He's just repackaged it and customized it for your current circumstance.

But God says, " I've set before you this day blessings and cursings, life and death. Choose life." He's the One who delights in you and will rescure you. The key is to, just as you are , keep reading the Word, speak it aloud. Speak it to your Father. Speak it yourself. And speak it to your stinkin' enemy. Here's a great one from Michah 7: "Do not rejoice over me my enemy. When I fall I will rise. The Lord will lift me up. When I sit in the darkness, the Lord will be a light to me." When those thoughts attack, say right out loud, "My Father in Heaven who sent Jesus Christ to die for me and crush satan's head, has set before me blessing and cursing, life and death, and no matter how I feel, this isn't about my feelings, it's about my choices and my Father's promise to deliver me. I'm choosing life and blessing. I choose to believe they are coming. Let the weak say I am strong in the Lord and power of His might. Thank You, Lord that You are making me strong in You. Thank You that the battle belongs to You and that You are my mighty warrior."

It's a war. Wars are not won with one shot. Keep firing. Those thoughts are the fiery darts of the enemy. I'm not saying there isn't a physical component. There certainly is with me and many of us. But the battle will be won by the truth of that ancient book. Keep arming yourself. Keep fighting in Jesus' strength. One of the posters above promised that this is only for season, and I will second that. The war will not end until Jesus sets foot back on this earth and ends it for all time. But this season of dismay will end, and He will see to it that you are stronger for having weathered it. He's done that for me. He will do it for you and everyone on this forum. All we have to do is hang in with Him and be willing to believe.

So, dear one, "Be sober and vigilant; because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour. Resist him, steadfast in the faith, knowing that the same sufferings are experienced by your brotherhood in the world. But the God of all grace, who called us to His eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after you have suffered a while, will perfect, establish, strengthen, and settle you. To Him be the glory and the dominion forever and ever. Amen" (2Peter 6:6-10).


Praying for you. Blessings, A