I'm terrified that it was a mistake

Kaitmeister · #1 6th November 2009, 03:43 AM

I don't post here often, but for the last few days I've been worrying about something that I'm still afraid to say to my husband.

My husband and I got married 4 months ago, when I was a month shy of my 21st birthday. We dated for one year before we got married, but we "knew" it was right.

I messaged a male friend a prayer request a few days ago, and he and I started chatting. I caught myself thinking that this was someone I would consider dating if I were single. This scared me, a lot. For the last several days I've been in a panic, asking myself if getting married so young is a mistake, if we rushed into it, and what we do now. I still lived with my mom when we got married, and I didn't take the time to go out and live life on my own. I'm afraid that I wanted to be a bride so badly that I convinced myself that I was ready to be a wife when I wasn't.

I suppose I just need some encouragement and prayer. I'm really afraid that I made a huge mistake that I will have to live with for the rest of my life. Thank you.

dorig59 · #2 6th November 2009, 07:26 AM

Whether you should have gotten married at such a young age or not is a moot point now because you ARE married. I don't see any concerns or problems you're having directly with your marriage. First of all, I highly recommend that you don't have contact with that male friend again, and make it a policy not to have male friends. Some people say they can handle it, but it leaves the door open to too much temptation, even when you're not looking for it.

Also, please remember that the first few years of marriage are very difficult for everybody. There are so many things to adjust to, things to work out. THe highest occurance of divorce is within the first five years, that should tell you something right there. Throw yourself into your marriage, into making it work. Don't think of the other guy. Stay close to the Lord and meditate on Scripture. LOVE HIM!!

joey_downunder · #3 6th November 2009, 10:18 AM

I still find after 14 years of a happy marriage that I have to keep my mental and emotional distance where it comes to other men. No man is perfect and it is too easy to imagine what it may have been like with someone else when something is bugging you. Maybe you have to beware of the "grass is greener on the other side of the fence" mindset?

Maybe while you are still getting used to being married you will have to limit the amount of contact you have with other men whether they are friends or not.

Do you have female friends you can turn to for prayer requests instead?

dinonum · #4 6th November 2009, 10:29 PM

I would definitely say not to panic over that. Me and my husband have even had real discussions about the fact that we have a person in mind that if things hadn't worked out like they had, we probably would have ended up with. I still talk to my friend, who I knew for much longer than I knew my husband and had pretty much loved. That doesn't mean I'd ever leave my DH for him though, not even a possibility! If I was single though, I would be actively pursuing a relationship with him though.

McScribe · #5 7th November 2009, 01:30 AM

It's perfectly normal to be attracted to other people. The best defense really is a good offense, in this case choosing to get to know your husband better and develop a really good relationship with God.

I put up a thread called "Are Our Standards Too Low?" and you might find the premise interesting. Some of the things I suggested as standards for a good christian marriage include:

1. Having a good prayer based relationship with God that includes honestly submitting feelings to Him.

2. Being respectful of one another--not letting things get slack just because you're in an intimate relationship.

3. Being honest with one another.

4. Being brave enough to deal with things even when it might seem scary, might rock the boat or whatever.

5. Remaining involved and concerned with other couples. In your case I would add that you might find out if there is another couple or two that you both respect and look up to that you can go to for counsel and advice.

Willtor · #6 7th November 2009, 02:16 AM

Originally Posted by Kaitmeister

I don't post here often, but for the last few days I've been worrying about something that I'm still afraid to say to my husband.

My husband and I got married 4 months ago, when I was a month shy of my 21st birthday. We dated for one year before we got married, but we "knew" it was right.

I messaged a male friend a prayer request a few days ago, and he and I started chatting. I caught myself thinking that this was someone I would consider dating if I were single. This scared me, a lot. For the last several days I've been in a panic, asking myself if getting married so young is a mistake, if we rushed into it, and what we do now. I still lived with my mom when we got married, and I didn't take the time to go out and live life on my own. I'm afraid that I wanted to be a bride so badly that I convinced myself that I was ready to be a wife when I wasn't.

I suppose I just need some encouragement and prayer. I'm really afraid that I made a huge mistake that I will have to live with for the rest of my life. Thank you.

No worries. I imagine that's a pretty natural feeling for people who get married young.

Please bear with me while I make an analogy: Just before I went to college, I ordered a new computer from Apple that was the shiznitz. But a couple of days after I got it, Apple started offering the identical model for a couple hundred dollars less, and with half-again as much RAM. I suddenly developed a sense of buyer's remorse. It took me a few weeks to realize that in about 6 months, a newer, better computer was going to replace that one. In fact, I could have simply not bought a computer while waiting for "the best one." But now that I had one, when I started working with it, I found that it was pretty sweet. In fact, it didn't matter whether I could have waited and gotten something else better. I liked what I had. And the more I played with it, the more appealing it became.

Now, I could have spent the next few years wringing my hands and worrying about the sub-optimal deal I had gotten. But the less I dwelt on that, the more optimal my computer seemed to be.

Likewise, don't dwell on how much better you could have done or think you could have done. If you do, you will only realize that even if you married this other guy, you'd be doing exactly the same thing when you met another guy (maybe your current husband?). You see hundreds of ads on TV telling you how much better things _could_ be. It's marketing. Firms get paid millions of dollars to make you feel like you don't have it quite as good as you could. But, really, generally speaking, people in our society have it pretty good. At some point you have to look at what you have and begin to enjoy it.

In 20 years, you will look back on this time and one of two things will happen: 1. you'll reflect fondly on all the wonderful things you and your husband did, and how you worked through trials, and began to learn interesting things about each other, or 2. you'll wonder why you spent so much of your early twenties worrying about things that _might_ have been.

Willtor's $0.02.

sdmsanjose · #7 7th November 2009, 02:40 AM

Kait

You have been given very good advice, I will just add

Quote by Kait
I messaged a male friend a prayer request a few days ago, and he and I started chatting. I caught myself thinking that this was someone I would consider dating if I were single. This scared me, a lot.

I suppose I just need some encouragement and prayer

The encouragement I can give you is that your emotions and/or conscience
“This scared me, a lot.” is right on.

King David caught himself thinking about someone that was not his wife (Bathsheba) and then followed up with more than thinking about her. Read the price that David paid for sinning against God; it is enough to SCARE YOU A LOT!!

Hosannainthehighest · #8 7th November 2009, 04:24 AM

Originally Posted by Kaitmeister

I messaged a male friend a prayer request a few days ago, and he and I started chatting. I caught myself thinking that this was someone I would consider dating if I were single.

i dont think the issue is actually about the friend, because if he was a friend before you got married and you didnt think of him like that, but now you are married you had the thought. maybe you are just panicked because you are married and the reality of it is now evident. It's only been 4 months, why not consciously choose to give it your best shot and put those fears aside, at least if you're focusing on being married rather than if you made a mistake, you might be pleased that you are married and it will get better and better for you and these fears will disappear as they are replaced with a good life together. As you say, you are young, so you've got plenty of time to build a great marriage with your husband. In the long run, being married or not you can make a good life for yourself depending on what you are going to put into it, so maybe choose to put your all into where you find yourself now.

SmileAndAHandshake · #9 7th November 2009, 11:18 AM

I think you're just getting your cold feet AFTER the wedding, instead of before it.

It shall pass. Whether it was a mistake or not, you're there now, and you'd be best not to think of it as a mistake else you will bring yourself down thinking that way.

You'd also be best to distance yourself from unmarried males if they are really going to make you feel this way.

believetheunseen · #10 7th November 2009, 01:41 PM

Being young has nothing to do with it. Rushing into it might've been an issue, but like others have said, that's a moot point.
Congrats on your marriage, by the way! I think your heart and mind are closely linked, so if you focus on the things you SHOULD love, you WILL love them... sorry if that doesn't make sense, but if you think of positive things about your new spouse, you will start to be more attracted to him, etc... I think.
Sorry, I'm kind of half-here mentally, so if this doesn't make sense it's because I can't get a full thought out!
I'll pray for you and your new marriage