I'm not emotionally running around after him, I'm not trying to help him....it's not "in the name of worrying for my boys"...it IS because I want my kids to have father involvement in their life...and, no, that's not what I'm teaching them either. I kind of resent that implication honestly.as a mother it's my job to worry and be concerned with my kids feelings, and feel hurt when they do. It's hard to accept their pain, kwim?
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__________________ Sincerity and truth are what you require; fill my mind with your wisdom Psalms 51:6 (GNB)
A mother always worries about her child's well being-not in an anxiety ridden way..but in a concerned, protective way. Do you not agree?? As a mom I have a duty to them, I provide, feed, clothe, counsel, teach, love, help, worry, it's all part of it.
If they hurt emotionally-the empathy side of being a mother will make my heart ache for them as well. I don't have to "take on their pain"....to feel and empathize when they are distraught. Of course I worry about their feelings, their well-being....and how they will be affected emotionally. Maybe you are misunderstanding something?
It's not my job to erase that pain...but I can empathize with them, and validate them and comfort them and help them learn how to cope in healthy ways when they are hurt. Life is full of dissapointment, so I guarantee you, Im' not wanting to shelter them from what life will eventually throw-but it's quite natural for a mother to worry and want the best for her children.
Maybe it should have been better written...but when I say accept their pain...meaning if they are hurt...as a parent it's difficult to see them feeling hurt or dissapointed.
I know it is hard to see your kids go through something difficult. It is also hard to try to keep your integrity, act wisely and stay in prayer when you're going through something emotionally hard. As I said you're in my prayers--the biggest one being that you will stick with God, turn to God in those difficult times. I find the psalms are a great way to do that--David so often writes of his hard times and lists everything he is going through and then reminds himself of the goodness of God, of the power and mercy and wisdom that comes from God. And like I said, maybe try to focus on the little things that your ex CAN do, and honestly if he doesn't bother at least you tried. It sounds like you're avoiding bad mouthing your ex and fighting all the time, so your kids will be helped by your more mature and thoughtful attitude.
The way I see it, you are not responsible for their dad's relationship with them in any way, shape, or form. It is up to him to step up and be the dad he needs to be for your sons. If he fails at that - which it sounds like he does - then your only job, IMO, is to be there for the boys and help them sort through the emotions/disappointment. It sounds like you already do that.
My ex has open phone contact with the boys up until bed time every night. He isn't consistent about calling, so the boys aren't consistent about wanting to talk to him. I don't force them to talk, but I do ask for one of them to get on the phone and at least tell him they don't feel like talking.
My ex doesn't ask about their school/teachers - he doesn't even know what grades they're in half the time. He never asks to see report cards and has never requested information about either one of our son's IEPs (one for Speech and one for Speech and other issues).
Our oldest son had emergency surgery 2 years ago. I called my ex throughout the day to let him know that we were in the ER and that surgery was most likely going to take place. When I called to tell him our son was going in to surgery in a couple of hours, he said he was going to go home first and eat dinner before making the 2 hour drive b/c he "didn't want to get stuck in rush hour traffic". HUH? My parents left shortly after I called them from the same town my ex lives in and made it to the hospital just as Steele was coming out of surgery. His dad got there 3 hours after surgery.
He uses the excuse of distance as a reason not to be more involved in the boys' lives. But, honestly, the only interest he would take is if they were involved in sports. His older son lives in the same town he does and he has never been to one school activity (awards ceremonies, family night, etc). *I* was the one that used to attend those events with his first ex-wife.
I decided a long time ago that I wasn't going to meddle in the relationship the boys have with their dad. It's up to them to figure it out with him. But, I will be there to help pick up the pieces when there is hurt/disappointment/anger/confusion when their dad skips a visitation b/c it doesn't jive with his social life - or when he is overly cruel to them - or punishes them extremely. He makes a mess of their lives and I get to clean it up.
I am there to be the parent they can wave at and smile at when they're playing sports or getting recognized for something at school. I was even the one that took time off from work to take our older son to the doctor while they were at their dad's house one summer b/c he fell and smashed his mouth at an ice skating rink and his dad didn't want to be bothered with going to the urgent care that afternoon (it was a Sunday - he went to dinner with his GF and some friends instead) or the dentist the next morning to make sure his teeth weren't damaged.
IMO - by trying to foster a relationship with a man who doesn't care to foster it himself is just setting your kids up for more hurt and disappointment. They will soon reach an age where they can decide if they want to continue seeing their dad when it suits his whim - and if they choose not to visit him, then I think that choice should be respected. He is making this bed and he will have to lie in it.
Of course, he will probably continue to try to play the victim or make you feel like it's your fault/responsibility. But, it's not.
I understand exactly what you mean about boys needing a father figure in their lives. Coaches and grandpas/uncles do a good job of helping to fill that need, but it's not 100%, I know. But, rather than chasing their dad to be someone he can't or won't be to those boys, pray that their Heavenly Father will fill that gap until you have someone significant in your life that is willing to take on that role (which it sounds like you might? )
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The way I see it, you are not responsible for their dad's relationship with them in any way, shape, or form. It is up to him to step up and be the dad he needs to be for your sons. If he fails at that - which it sounds like he does - then your only job, IMO, is to be there for the boys and help them sort through the emotions/disappointment. It sounds like you already do that.
My ex has open phone contact with the boys up until bed time every night. He isn't consistent about calling, so the boys aren't consistent about wanting to talk to him. I don't force them to talk, but I do ask for one of them to get on the phone and at least tell him they don't feel like talking.
My ex doesn't ask about their school/teachers - he doesn't even know what grades they're in half the time. He never asks to see report cards and has never requested information about either one of our son's IEPs (one for Speech and one for Speech and other issues).
Our oldest son had emergency surgery 2 years ago. I called my ex throughout the day to let him know that we were in the ER and that surgery was most likely going to take place. When I called to tell him our son was going in to surgery in a couple of hours, he said he was going to go home first and eat dinner before making the 2 hour drive b/c he "didn't want to get stuck in rush hour traffic". HUH? My parents left shortly after I called them from the same town my ex lives in and made it to the hospital just as Steele was coming out of surgery. His dad got there 3 hours after surgery.
He uses the excuse of distance as a reason not to be more involved in the boys' lives. But, honestly, the only interest he would take is if they were involved in sports. His older son lives in the same town he does and he has never been to one school activity (awards ceremonies, family night, etc). *I* was the one that used to attend those events with his first ex-wife.
I decided a long time ago that I wasn't going to meddle in the relationship the boys have with their dad. It's up to them to figure it out with him. But, I will be there to help pick up the pieces when there is hurt/disappointment/anger/confusion when their dad skips a visitation b/c it doesn't jive with his social life - or when he is overly cruel to them - or punishes them extremely. He makes a mess of their lives and I get to clean it up.
I am there to be the parent they can wave at and smile at when they're playing sports or getting recognized for something at school. I was even the one that took time off from work to take our older son to the doctor while they were at their dad's house one summer b/c he fell and smashed his mouth at an ice skating rink and his dad didn't want to be bothered with going to the urgent care that afternoon (it was a Sunday - he went to dinner with his GF and some friends instead) or the dentist the next morning to make sure his teeth weren't damaged.
IMO - by trying to foster a relationship with a man who doesn't care to foster it himself is just setting your kids up for more hurt and disappointment. They will soon reach an age where they can decide if they want to continue seeing their dad when it suits his whim - and if they choose not to visit him, then I think that choice should be respected. He is making this bed and he will have to lie in it.
Of course, he will probably continue to try to play the victim or make you feel like it's your fault/responsibility. But, it's not.
I understand exactly what you mean about boys needing a father figure in their lives. Coaches and grandpas/uncles do a good job of helping to fill that need, but it's not 100%, I know. But, rather than chasing their dad to be someone he can't or won't be to those boys, pray that their Heavenly Father will fill that gap until you have someone significant in your life that is willing to take on that role (which it sounds like you might? )
Ok so flnt....this is exactly I believe what I needed to hear and quite spot on....thank you for that!! Let go and let God. And though at this age they still would have to go-as they get older I can't force them (thinking teenage years here). It's their relationship to figure out...and yes all I can do is be there for them and be the best parent I can and pray to God for His protection of their little hearts and emotions.
They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results...iI have done it, for a long time, the "encouraging" part. It hasn't worked...I need to let it go entirely and put it in God's hands. I will continue to act/be towards the ex as I am, civil, cordial and not badmouth him-but I can't keep pushing the relationship any more between them.
Flnative was spot on...although I would add that your children deserve to be financially supported by both parents. If he leaves the country...that's HIS decision....you can take no blame for that.
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Do justice, love kindness and walk humbly with your God
The last temptation that's the greatest treason, is to do the right deed for the wrong reason. T.S. Eliot
overit - I am glad my post was helpful. To echo what b.hopeful said, he does need to be financially responsible for them - but getting that enforced can be difficult if you don't have the money to pursue it or if he is sneaky about how he is paid. I know in the state of FL, there is a DCSE (Dept of Child Support Enforcement) that will help women who do not have the financial means to go after a dead beat dad (or men with dead beat moms). Do you have something like that where you live?
If he skips the country, there isn't much you can do probably. But, my guess that is just a threat to keep you off his back about money.
It sounds like you're doing the best you can and that you love your boys very much. At the end of the day, that is all that any of us parents can ask of ourselves. We just have to be humble and apologize for the times we mess up.
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Dont let him take them kids when he is drinkin. He can hide it with eye drops and mouthrinse stuff so you need to get someone to look in on him. Maybe someone can get pictures of him workin and you can take thqt money. But if he is drinkin no tellin what they find at his place it can be real dirty or even other people sleeping everywhere and its just not a way you want them kids tro see him living and stuff.
Hope is not in drugs too but best be careful. I seen it before and maybe best he went in jail awhile so he knows you are dead serious.
about...dude is not into driking or drugs around the kids...which believe that in itself I know is a blessing. I know my ex enough...he was into those things when younger but has been very clean since...it's just other things. Luckily I"m not worried about those things...as far as him working, he could be...I don't know...I guess I'll find out when I pursue through the state for child support.
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