It is terrible, but some men are like that.....MacX
Yes they are, some PEOPLE are. The thing is, there can be a subtle PAS set in, almost not detectable, but very impactful for the kids, based even on frustrations you show when he does mess up. If the kids dont want to be with dad, sorry, but YOU need to work on the kids in that area as much as dad does, and since they are with you way more, realize that even the involvement of a man as bad as you say this one is is netter than NO involvement, and even better than NO involvement that includes "substituto-dad".
Just to clarify in case it wasn't clear enough in my previous post. I DO work on them and encourage the relationship and "coax them" when dads weekend is coming up and am very upbeat about it. And yes I agree some involvement MAY be better then none...but I'm also worried about the implications of being "half way" involved and disinterested, kwim? And they know he's the only dad they have-and even if I did have someone in my life-that would NOT be dad..but would be just another very positive role model and figure in their life. Just as their grandfather and uncle are now.
With all his shortcomings, im takin the dads side here and saying, OK, the problem is identified, its real, he may well be all the bad things, Ive no idea...BUT, the solution is not for you to try and change dad...you couldnt do that married, you sure cant do it now. The solution is to change everybody else. Cease any and all even rolling of eyes, stop assuming he will fail (even if he does), speak highly of him in front of kids, and in the end, you will know you did best you could. You may say you are doing these things, i respectfully submit that in the frutration of your post, rightly so i add, its hard to imagine that doesnt come through, and Im not calling YOU bad or mean, Im just being blunt pragmatic....
There is no rolling of eyes, no pouting, yelling, I do speak well of him...and I ALREADY know I do the best I can. Of course there is no changing him...and there is nothing I have to "change in us". As I said, I already do everything I can to remain positive and encouraging to him and my boys. I do this for my sons and their emotional well-being. What I was asking for was if anyone had suggestions that I haven't already tried...or as I said...just give up. Here's the thing-I divorced this man after trying and working on my marriage for years-and here I am now free and I STILL have to put 110% of myself into now -the relationship with him and the boys. I can see where so many women get discouraged and say hell with it....get tired of being the better person when the other parent doesn't try to have a relationship w/the kids.
In these cases you can also run the danger of later in life the whole dynamic changing. its not rare at all, that for some reason, young adult kids gravitate back to dad, even a bad dad, as they THINK they have things figured out in life. It hurts mom when that happens.
This can happen-somehow I doubt it. I've seen the cases that this happens-and typically you see in the young kids even-an adoration and great longing of the other parent in their absence of neglectfulness....that's not there in mine at all. Perhaps because they've had positive father role model/figures in their life.
Just please do the right thing, which is to maintain his involvement as it is, or increase it by biting tongue. If he doesnt abuse them he is then therefore STILL their primary father AND father figure. (ahora mismo yo se por que to puedes escriber en espanol no? De qual pais es el?)
I do...and have for the last 6 years-I still bite my tongue. I've read some excellent books on raising boys that I've passed on to him to encourage. I've very civilly spoken to him about how the boys are growing and need him around emotionally and physically. One of the reasons I haven't proceeded (which believe me every person around me thinks I'm an idiot for not doing) w/csupport through the state...is because there's the threat of him leaving the country. And as crappy as he is-I wonder what the implications are if he was entirely out of their life...and how that would hurt them. So I sit here and eat crap year after year after year.
he's acting like a child and you're still acting like his "mummy" even after you're seperated...you're still emotionally running around after him trying to help him. i know it's in the name of worrying about your boys, but they're learning from you too, and what you're teaching them is no matter how ridiculous their behaviour the woman will still try and make it all better.
__________________ Sincerity and truth are what you require; fill my mind with your wisdom Psalms 51:6 (GNB)
he's acting like a child and you're still acting like his "mummy" even after you're seperated...you're still emotionally running around after him trying to help him. i know it's in the name of worrying about your boys, but they're learning from you too, and what you're teaching them is no matter how ridiculous their behaviour the woman will still try and make it all better.
I'm not emotionally running around after him, I'm not trying to help him....it's not "in the name of worrying for my boys"...it IS because I want my kids to have father involvement in their life...and, no, that's not what I'm teaching them either. I kind of resent that implication honestly.
I'm not emotionally running around after him, I'm not trying to help him....it's not "in the name of worrying for my boys"...it IS because I want my kids to have father involvement in their life...and, no, that's not what I'm teaching them either. I kind of resent that implication honestly.
Good for you and good answer.
__________________ Sure hope this is relevant and not plagiarism.
It is terrible. It's very hard to get someone wrapped up in themselves to care about other people.
A few thoughts:
1. Does he genuinely respect your dad or any other guy in your family? If he doesn't really then a Come to Jesus moment may not work.
Well-he may respect my dad enough..he doesn't have much respect for anyone sadly.
2. It sounds like you would like to move on but are hesitant. I would suggest letting whether or not someone genuinely loves and respects you and your kids, whether this person can hold a steady job and be a decent person with some real self respect be a GOOD thing to wait for and make sure of.
I'm very cautious-absolutely....better safe then sorry though.
3. You cannot really expect someone to change for you unless they want to. Acceptance and forgiveness don't necessarily condone behavior, but they do free you from having to judge and control other people, and also free you to move on.
True...the forgiveness part happened long ago-no other way I could move on with my life and heal otherwise. I guess you have a point to 'acceptance'...even though I always repeat to myself-he is who he is, he will remain who he is-I guess I hold onto hope that my boys will have a more involved dad...I have doubts he ever will be-it just still hurts me to know they hurt..as a mother it's my job to worry and be concerned with my kids feelings, and feel hurt when they do. It's hard to accept their pain, kwim?
I would also suggest that you really pray to God about all of these concerns. The way I often pray is to do this:
"Lord, I have XYZ problems. They really bother me because ABC. I feel like they won't go away no matter what I do and I really need your help. Nevertheless I know you are my God, that you are good and that your mercy and generosity are wonderful. So in spite of how bad it all is right now I trust you and believe in you."
This really does help. It isn't randomly trusting in God for some kind of genie in the bottle solution. It's priming your spirit to receive wisdom, insight, courage and faith. I really encourage you to do this. I'm sorry for what you and your children are going through and I will pray for you.
Thanks for this-I needed this reminder and prayers. Sometimes we get so caught up in the mundane-I must say I have forgotten to pray...if anything for their emotional protection from the harm that could be on them because of their fathers neglect.
The kids on our street who have no dad around are doin ok but I still think theyd stay away from drugs and booz and stuff best with a dad thats clean. I seen too many boys even when I was young who didnt know who was dad and just run wild across the mom and she had to work at nights and never saw what was happening and I was runnin with some of them so I did know. Not a good thing can come from that.
There was some dads was not worth a plug nickle and they even helped their kids get booz and stuff and thought they was being friends with kids and would help them learn how to handle that stuff. None of that works and I learned the hard way just by watching them. Least my mom and dad stayed together even if it was not easy and he was a cheater. She used to slap the crap out of him and hed just laugh and do it all again but me and my brother had it good.
Just tell those useless dads they are lower then dirt.
I'm not emotionally running around after him, I'm not trying to help him....it's not "in the name of worrying for my boys"...it IS because I want my kids to have father involvement in their life...and, no, that's not what I'm teaching them either. I kind of resent that implication honestly.
when you say you're "eating crap year after year" sounds to me like you're still taking on his stuff.
__________________ Sincerity and truth are what you require; fill my mind with your wisdom Psalms 51:6 (GNB)
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