Question for married people.

What was your state of mind before you got married? No no, not how did you feel. What did you have to learn or come to realize before you could ask the question or feel comfortable saying yes to it?

I don't know if this is what you're looking for, but I didn't have to do anything to get ready for it, I was in love, we were in love, and it all happened naturally. When you WANT it so badly, it's easy.

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Is there anything you had to learn about yourself? That is what I meant to ask.

I had to understand that a quality person wasn't just going to fall into my lap, it was something I was going to have to look for in life. I learned that really early on though, and that was the easiest of the two realizations for me. The harder realization? Was that I don't have to "fix" myself for anyone.

In other words, I had to learn that I was ok just as I am, and whomever I married had to be ok with how I am as well, not out to change me.

I have several mental-health conditions, I'm not at all domestic, I'm pretty blunt and ridiculously honest (to a fault), I'm very liberal, I'm child-free, and the list goes on and on. I went many years thinking I had to "fix" a lot of this stuff about me, but before I met my current husband (and just after I divorced my first husband, who was not right for me at all), I had to come to the realization that I didn't have to pro-actively "fix" anything about myself.

I'm good just as I am, and I simply had to find someone who was ok with who I am too. And I did. The rest is history.

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Glad to see a Coastie on board. Welcome.


The first time - it was as Dorig states . . . . in my case it ended badly.

The second time - I had to learn that the problem with princesses is, then ya have to keep them. In my first marriage, I think it was pursuit of the idea rather than pursuit of the person. I almost made the same mistake twice, but in that I learned the lesson. Another way to put it would be, falling in love with the character rather than falling in love with the actress. It is all well and good til you leave the set and realize you are with a completely different person. It freed me to fall in love with a woman for who she is, rather than for my idea of her. The case now, is that I am with a fabulous wife who doesn't come from old money but is an outstanding mother for my children, doesn't speak a bunch of languages but does know how to be compassionate .. . . . you know, all the things I used to think were important have given way to things that actually are important. I am much happier.

I think you have to learn who you are before making this huge decision.
As you go and become 'one body' you really need to know what qualities and maybe vulnerabilities you bring along.

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Still happy and excited about being a Christian but shocked by how judgemental people can be on this forum and how topics and messages can be taken out of context. I have decided to leave the forum. Be blessed, everyone.
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Takes one to know one.

I didn't really have to learn anything, I think that being open to the fact that you will both change, grow, find things you don't like, things you love, gain weight, lose weight, be cranky, lol, all those things that people whine about in their marriages, we simply acknowledged that those wouldn't be things that never existed in our marriage. For me personally, I realized after getting married that love and marriage don't always go hand-in-hand. You grow in love through marriage, as long as you allow it.

I find that people who are more open to what they have to learn during marriage have happier and more successful marriages than those who are constantly seeking out answers beforehand. Clarity doesn't happen over night, it happens over long periods of time, you just have to be open to it.

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My learning was to obey God. I'd just turned my life back to God after 7 years of ignoring Him, and my then partner and I already had 3 children and were living de-facto etc...and I let him know my conviction was having sex before marriage, so we stopped. I guess my learning was obedience to God.

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Sincerity and truth are what you require; fill my mind with your wisdom
Psalms 51:6 (GNB)

I learned she was pregnant. I already knew she was beautiful.

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To know all is to forgive all.