My therapist today told me that God has forgiven all that I've done. Everything. I want to believe this. I had such self-hate for myself that I assumed God also hated and rejected me. But it is a lonely place inside when I harbor hatred and mistrust. It has been a hard 3 weeks, fighting all that is Christian and fighting God.
So I'd like to start over if that is ok.
I am needing to learn to not push people away. I am needing to learn trust. I am needing to let my guilt and self-hatred and self-destruction go. I want more than anything to learn what it is like to be a caring, trustworthy believer of God.........someone who can relate to people without defense or paranoia.
I really want to trust other human beings. I really need other human beings. It's hard to trust a God when I don't have much experience in trusting people. I don't have much experience in honesty or openness. And I really don't know what boundaries are much either. My Christian therapist helps me a lot with these things. She encouraged me to go back to Celebrate Recovery and start over. She encouraged me also to reach out to the people who I think I can trust at the church I've been going to; to learn how kind human beings act. She thinks it would be really good if I learned that not all people are out to hurt me or use me. She thinks I need some real people to learn from.
Here is my chance to finally know decent honest people and I don't want to throw it all away.
I would like to get to know Christian people and learn that they are not the evil forces I believed them to be. I want to believe that God has forgiven me. I also would like God to see that I'm trying to be kind, I'm trying to be a Christian, and I'm trying to join humanity. I wish God would love me like God seems to love all of you. I know the bible says God loves me. I want to understand that and truly believe it to be true.
Cindy
__________________ Who I am does not depend on your opinion of me. Sorry. You might try the next guy.
A barrel of monkeys is not fun at all.........in fact, the thought is quite horrifying.
What a wonderful heartfelt post lifewanderer! I do believe Christ is going to open doors and lead you to exactly what your searching for. It sounds like you have a awesome counselor. I will agree to go back to Celebrate Recovery, find a sponsor ( take your time , baby steps) and work the program. Already you are opening up here, I am glad you did. I will be praying for you.
__________________
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What I found out is that usually we only focus on the negative things that people do or situations have caused us but never on the positive things. I remember, my cousin brought me food, carried me to work, and did all sort of nice things for me, but the minute he messed up and did something wrong my mind continued to circle around that issue for hours then I caught myself. I said wait a minute, my cousin did all these nice things for me and with one mistake I'm dwelling on this thing for about how long now?? Why do we hold on to the negative and never the positive? We take the positive lightly but the negative holds weight, why? I don't know, but I know this one thing I will not dwell on the negatives nor will I let the negatives hold weight in my life I will only dwell on the positives in people even when they make mistakes. Because that moment of weakness in them is not them, and with every person and situation there is so much more positive than negative, but it is up to us what we focus on. Put on your mind on positve things God did for you, people have done for you, and situations, and let those positive things be the picture from which you look out from not the negatives.
The expression “nobody’s perfect” is used or heard almost every day, but it’s true—I’m not perfect, you’re not perfect, nobody’s perfect. Hopefully, though, we’re all getting better and are on our way to perfection. The important thing to remember is that even though we’re not yet perfect, we’re still OK. Just because we haven’t arrived yet doesn’t mean that we’re not on our way.
It’s true that we all still have a long way to go. I used to get discouraged about how far I had to go, and it seemed like I was reminded of it every day, sometimes every hour. I carried a constant sense of failure—a feeling that I just wasn’t who I needed to be, I wasn’t doing good enough, and I needed to try harder. Yet when I did try harder, I only failed again.
I’ve now adopted a new attitude: “I’m not where I need to be, but thank God I’m not where I used to be. I’m OK, and I’m on my way!” I now know with all my heart that God isn’t angry with me just because I haven’t arrived yet. He’s pleased that I’m pressing on and staying on the path. If you and I will just “keep on keeping on,” God will be pleased with our progress.
Keep walking the walk one step at a time. This is an important thing to remember. It’s true that we have to keep pressing on, but thank God we don’t have to hate or reject ourselves while we’re trying to get to our destination.
If I invited you to take a walk, you’d think I was crazy if I became angry after the first few steps because we hadn’t yet arrived at our destination. We can understand ordinary things like this, yet we have a difficult time understanding that God expects it to take some time for us to grow spiritually.
We don’t think there’s something wrong with one-year-old children because they can’t walk perfectly. They fall down frequently, but we pick them up, love them, bandage them if necessary, and keep working with them. Surely our heavenly Father can do even more for us than we do for our children.
The process is always difficult. Growing and learning is never easy, but the changes make us better people. We begin to think differently, then to talk differently, and finally, to act differently. This process develops in stages, and we must always remember that while it’s taking place, we can have the attitude, “I’m OK, and I’m on my way!”
Enjoy yourself while you’re changing. Enjoy where you are on the way to where you’re going. Enjoy the journey! Don’t waste all of your “now time” trying to rush into the future. Remember, tomorrow will have troubles of its own (Matthew 6:34).
Today you may be wrestling with a bad temper, thinking if you could just get freedom in this area, everything would be all right. But the thing is, God will then reveal something else that needs to be dealt with, and you’ll be back in that same frame of mind again, thinking, “If only I didn’t have this problem, I could be happy.” We must learn to look at these things in a new way.
We can be free to believe that we are, indeed, OK and on our way—not perfected yet, but pressing on. We can be free to enjoy life, enjoy God and enjoy ourselves.
Thank you John and BlessEwe. I am fighting the urge to be angry. I asked God to help me stop the hurt and anger and damaging thoughts.
I listened to a cd today for my Starting Point class. It talked about how God only asked one thing of Abraham - to believe in him. The speaker also talked about how trust is gradual. God promised that Abraham would lead a nation, but started it all with that simple task - just to believe.
I think I have been seeing faith as that giant leap from who I am to someone who quotes scripture with full faith in everything that is God. It was daunting. But when it was put that God only gave Abraham that one task, I said, "I can do that."
So tonight, when the anger and hurt, the paranoia and confusion, the self-hatred and shame rolled in I said to God, "I believe you can help me stop this. I can't stop this alone. I need your help. I believe you are there and have the power to help me." I just focused on that alone. No reasoning it out. No analyzing. No excuses. No justification. No self-pity. No self-righteousness. No anger. No chaos inside. Just simply, "Please, God, I know you're there."
I'll be honest. I am anxious. I am teary and afraid. But if it's that easy, to just believe, then I can hold onto that. For this minute and for the next.
No big sweeping I have to trust the world, I have to change everything. Just believe God is there.
No anger. No paranoia. (sorry, I'm literally having to hold onto every second here).
I want God to love me. I want to be good and stop lashing out. I am so sorry for all the mean evil things I've done to people. I want to believe God forgives me.
__________________ Who I am does not depend on your opinion of me. Sorry. You might try the next guy.
A barrel of monkeys is not fun at all.........in fact, the thought is quite horrifying.
The expression “nobody’s perfect” is used or heard almost every day, but it’s true—I’m not perfect, you’re not perfect, nobody’s perfect. Hopefully, though, we’re all getting better and are on our way to perfection. The important thing to remember is that even though we’re not yet perfect, we’re still OK. Just because we haven’t arrived yet doesn’t mean that we’re not on our way.
It’s true that we all still have a long way to go. I used to get discouraged about how far I had to go, and it seemed like I was reminded of it every day, sometimes every hour. I carried a constant sense of failure—a feeling that I just wasn’t who I needed to be, I wasn’t doing good enough, and I needed to try harder. Yet when I did try harder, I only failed again.
I’ve now adopted a new attitude: “I’m not where I need to be, but thank God I’m not where I used to be. I’m OK, and I’m on my way!” I now know with all my heart that God isn’t angry with me just because I haven’t arrived yet. He’s pleased that I’m pressing on and staying on the path. If you and I will just “keep on keeping on,” God will be pleased with our progress.
Keep walking the walk one step at a time. This is an important thing to remember. It’s true that we have to keep pressing on, but thank God we don’t have to hate or reject ourselves while we’re trying to get to our destination.
If I invited you to take a walk, you’d think I was crazy if I became angry after the first few steps because we hadn’t yet arrived at our destination. We can understand ordinary things like this, yet we have a difficult time understanding that God expects it to take some time for us to grow spiritually.
We don’t think there’s something wrong with one-year-old children because they can’t walk perfectly. They fall down frequently, but we pick them up, love them, bandage them if necessary, and keep working with them. Surely our heavenly Father can do even more for us than we do for our children.
The process is always difficult. Growing and learning is never easy, but the changes make us better people. We begin to think differently, then to talk differently, and finally, to act differently. This process develops in stages, and we must always remember that while it’s taking place, we can have the attitude, “I’m OK, and I’m on my way!”
Enjoy yourself while you’re changing. Enjoy where you are on the way to where you’re going. Enjoy the journey! Don’t waste all of your “now time” trying to rush into the future. Remember, tomorrow will have troubles of its own (Matthew 6:34).
Today you may be wrestling with a bad temper, thinking if you could just get freedom in this area, everything would be all right. But the thing is, God will then reveal something else that needs to be dealt with, and you’ll be back in that same frame of mind again, thinking, “If only I didn’t have this problem, I could be happy.” We must learn to look at these things in a new way.
We can be free to believe that we are, indeed, OK and on our way—not perfected yet, but pressing on. We can be free to enjoy life, enjoy God and enjoy ourselves.
Thank you. This is exactly what I needed to hear just now. Your first post is a sore spot with me. But then I read the second post and the hurt went away immediately. I will remember your words, "“I’m not where I need to be, but thank God I’m not where I used to be." I still have a very long way to go.
Thank you for listening.
Cindy
__________________ Who I am does not depend on your opinion of me. Sorry. You might try the next guy.
A barrel of monkeys is not fun at all.........in fact, the thought is quite horrifying.
Thank you John and BlessEwe. I am fighting the urge to be angry. I asked God to help me stop the hurt and anger and damaging thoughts.
I want God to love me. I want to be good and stop lashing out. I am so sorry for all the mean evil things I've done to people. I want to believe God forgives me.
Hi,
It's not God stopping you being angry but you facing your anger and working through it with Jesus. Suppression won't work. Only resolution by understanding how Jesus steps into your life's circumstances, takes them upon Himself and gives you back your own life transformed by His life.
God does love you. He loves his creation, even when we were his enemies. His commitment to us is based irrevocably on His love for us, not the other way around. This is a real key for transformation. We tend to live out of our own self image, whereas we are to live out of who we are in Christ - forgiven, loved, blessed, etc.
It's not God stopping you being angry but you facing your anger and working through it with Jesus. Suppression won't work. Only resolution by understanding how Jesus steps into your life's circumstances, takes them upon Himself and gives you back your own life transformed by His life.
God does love you. He loves his creation, even when we were his enemies. His commitment to us is based irrevocably on His love for us, not the other way around. This is a real key for transformation. We tend to live out of our own self image, whereas we are to live out of who we are in Christ - forgiven, loved, blessed, etc.
Bless you
John
NZ
I don't understand. Can you help me understand what you're saying. I'm sorry. I'm not understanding.
Thanks,
Cindy
__________________ Who I am does not depend on your opinion of me. Sorry. You might try the next guy.
A barrel of monkeys is not fun at all.........in fact, the thought is quite horrifying.
I am angry. I have a choice. Either believe that God doesn't like me being angry, beat up on myself and cringe before Him while pleading for Him to take away my anger. And then I get disappointed or even angry at God because my anger remains.
Or, I can look at my anger head on. I can admit to what made me angry. Then I can say "Jesus, you took all the wrong things done to me and all my reactions, hurts and confusion upon yourself on the cross and buried them ("We are crucified with Christ"). I don't need to beat up on myself any longer. Instead I can accept that your life within me will bring to me ways in which I can adapt my life to yours."
For example. A woman had been badly treated by her controlling mother. She was very angry and very hurt by her mother. She sat down one day and told Jesus just how she felt, and all the things that she could recall where her mother had hurt her and why that made her so angry. She did this sort of thing over several weeks. Afterwards she told me how she could see that her own mother was just repeating her own childhood experiences of her own mother, and now she felt sorry for her without having to accept her mother's negativity.
This is further comment on the first point I made. If you want more detail on the second point just let me know.
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