Probable triggers, my story

I've held off til now because I haven't been quite sure how I want to put this, but here goes;

My name is Michael, and I am an abused man. I'm coming through a rather stormy time in my life right now, going through the dual problems of a marital collapse and economic disaster brought on by the marital situation. In the first four months of this year, I have been cursed, called bad names, grabbed by the shirt and beaten in the head and face and more or less forced to move out of our apartment. I could wish I could say somebody other than my wife was responsible for this, but there it is. I have been accused of sexual abomination (not true, the act isn't even possible) and of being, and I quote, "evil, deceitful, extremely selfish and a bad money manager". Now, as it happens she's been spending money like a drunken sailor so running low on cash comes as no surprise, and as far as the rest--- well, she was lit at the time she said it so I take it with a bit of a grain of salt.

As stated, right now I face the dual whammy of divorce and bankruptcy, and anybody who has been through either can testify that this is not fun. Further, this was the "reconciliation marriage", we had been through this before and it seemed she had changed, so I judged it worth the risk to try again a couple of years ago.

Wow. This has been a very bad period in your life. Life is not over for you, but it will take some time before you are feeling a lot more positive about you and life.

John
NZ

It's official, I'm divorced. Second time from the same wife.

In times past, my track record in dating left something to be desired so my inclination is to leave well enough alone. I can answer for a fact that there are much worse things than being alone. Being cheated on, lied to, lied about, physical violence and accused of abominations comes close to topping the list of worse things if they're not right on up there. Now I've got to pick up the pieces and get on with living, and while that does include paying some maintenance (only in marriage could something like that happen, anywhere else and a person who batters somebody else would have slim chance of being paid by the victim) but it's only for six months and then it ends.

The bankruptcy is yet ahead, so I still have that to do.

Good things to thank God for: I have family nearby, my sister was a great help when I really needed it this past March. My brothers came through for me when the truck broke down and I needed to get it going so I could work. My local congregation has been praying for me, and given me a hand from time to time. For a fact, this has been--- and is--- a hard time even with the help I've received. I honestly wonder how anybody gets through major troubles alone, and as I've read some of your stories here I realise some of you have done exactly that. When a child is abused by their own family-- the very people who were supposed to protect them--- that has to be bad. Who do you turn to at a time like that? I've had it bad this year, but not like that. My hat is off to you who have gone through things like that, by comparison my troubles are nothing.

I see by the "Views" that somebody is reading this from time to time, even if only one person besides me ever replied.

I haven't spilled the beans on everything that happened to bring things to where they are now because, quite frankly, some of it would sound as if I made it up. I wouldn't believe it myself if I hadn't lived it, and telling it to another doesn't improve matters much. For those who want to come to grips with what I'm going through, a search on "male victims of domestic violence" will give you the general idea.

Quick update on the good side of things: The church I belong to has small groups. One just started up a couple of weeks ago and I joined it, it's based on the book "Life's Healing Choices" by John Baker. At first glance, it appears to be a modified 12 step program, but geared more toward the True and Living God than most 12 step programs are these days. We'll see how it goes.

That could be helpful, especially if the group becomes supportive and open.

John
NZ

You have gone through a horrible time. You may be going through grief and that will last until you come to grips with it all and accept it for what it is, that is not saying you like what happened at all. May the good Lord heal you from all your pain.

__________________

I don't know if "grief" is the handle I'd put on it. Sometimes a bit of anger, sometimes a bit of "what could have been", but mostly I seem to feel almost as emotionless as Mr. Spock. That's probably not good when you get right down to it, it might help if I could get some feelings into it.

When I consider things, trouble started more than a year ago. The upshot of it is that my wife began to reject me as her husband and started engineering the events that led to this divorce. Funny thing is, now that it's happened she doesn't want it, but is not willing to own up to the chain of events that got us here. She lives in a fantasyland these days and nothing I or anybody else can do will change that.

mjmcmillan,

I've read your posts, and wanted to help you somehow. Actually I'd like to help everyone here because I'm not only a survivor of abuse, I consider myself an overcomer. I finally don't feel defective or tainted anymore. So, when I read the posts of others who are obviously suffering, I feel kind of like an outsider, and keep quiet.

With you however, it just seemed that you were needing to be heard and acknowledged...as if you wanted to find somebody who cared what you were going through.

I don't have much to offer you. But please know that I care what happens to you. You're right - divorce and bankruptcy are tremendous blows to a person's entire being - self-esteem, self-definition, image, lifestyle.....everything. Basically, you've lost your world.

I'm so glad you've had some support from your church and family, and I hope you are comfortable needing that. It can be very hard to ask for help, especially when we need a lot of it, and for a long period of time. Please keep in mind, that most people like to help others and try not to feel guilty for needing assistance.

Part of the reason I felt so compelled to respond to you, is because I have some understanding of how abuse impacts a male, and impacts an adult. You're coming here - and showing us a part of your life is very brave. Good grief, the abuse I had happened when I was a child, and I'm female. Society "allows" children and girls to be "weak" and "victims". You, as a male and adult suffer society's ignorant standards that men can't be abused, and adults should "know better" than "allow" themselves to be abused. Boys and men are betrayed twice...by the abuser, and by society.

Right now your life is being torn apart. Maybe you feel like you will have to start all over. Actually, I hope you do. As one who is doing that herself....literally. I am in my 40's, but just learned how to drive this year, had to end a good job, move, and take an unsatisfactory job. I feel like a kid who got kicked out of her parent's house and has to fight to make it on her own. Terrified - that's me. Except for when I remind myself that I have a chance to win this battle. Yeah, I should have learned to drive at a teen, but let fear keep me from it (long story). The fear won. The abusers won. I was lucky to have good people in my life - who pushed me firmly to get my license ( which takes a minimum of six months to meet Maryland requirements). Having my license has drastically changed the perception I have of myself, and has given me a VICTORY over one of my abusers.

This is what I want for you. I hope you don't define the divorce/bankrupty as as defeat or personal flaw, but as a chance to start a new way of life and make some victories for yourself. For example, your wife connived and manipulated your lives as such to cause a divorce. The divorce now says you are free to maneuver your life in YOUR choice of direction. You are legally free from the person who willfully chose to harm you. Now, go out there, and willfully choose to take care of yourself, and find good people to help you.

In case you are like me, and tend to think that "...at my age, normal people wouldn't be going through this...." Well, just tear that thought up and toss it out the window. Not only is it not true, but it's not a helpful thought. Get rid of it. You are not too old to improve your life. Time is going to go by anyway, - God willing you see at least 2 more decades. Do something with them! (These are the same words of advice I give to myself)

Well, maybe I've written all this, and it doesn't apply to your situation at all. Then I apologize for making you read through all this.

Just know that I am cheering for you. I'm sorry it's hard, I'm sorry all this legal stuff takes so long and tries to steal so much of your self esteem. Please fight for yourself. Don't let the lies of abuse or society's crooked standards control you. Find the truth. Find the good that has been in you all along. It's there. Waiting for the freedom to release it. And may God bless you well.

LaBarre

Originally Posted by mjmcmillan

I don't know if "grief" is the handle I'd put on it. Sometimes a bit of anger, sometimes a bit of "what could have been", but mostly I seem to feel almost as emotionless as Mr. Spock. That's probably not good when you get right down to it, it might help if I could get some feelings into it.

When I consider things, trouble started more than a year ago. The upshot of it is that my wife began to reject me as her husband and started engineering the events that led to this divorce. Funny thing is, now that it's happened she doesn't want it, but is not willing to own up to the chain of events that got us here. She lives in a fantasyland these days and nothing I or anybody else can do will change that.

Divorce and loss of important people and things causes grief. You are saying the feelings of grief. I am just telling you this because there is much help for grief right on the internet if you do a search. I recently did and found a lot of helpful things and ways to cope with it. I am glad you are writing here and letting it out, too. May Jesus heal you.

__________________

Sometimes it seems as though it will never end. This past few days, it's been a telephone assault, complete with charges that I'm evil, a molester of kitty cats (I am not making that up) and whatever else she can throw at the wall to see if it will stick.

A bit about the cat: For a few months, we had a small cat. It leaped into my lap, wanted to be petted and curled up, purred and went to sleep. My wife saw this and went off the deep end, insisting since then that I had impure relations with the cat. Again, I am not making that up. She got rid of the cat a couple of months before I was finally forced to move out, and she insists the reason I left is that she got rid of the cat. It couldn't have anything to do with being hit in the face and called an evil, deceitful, extremely selfish person (in spite of having bent over backwards to keep things together) could it? Nope, had to be the cat.