Challenged in Dating

byHISway · #1 24th October 2009, 03:56 AM

I'm not really sure what it is I'm wanting to ask, or if I even have questions at all. I really should be in bed, but I'm not. So....

I'm not some rare breed of thought. So surely, there are others out there who can relate and give me a clue.

You know, I was bombarded with pep-talks and advice to "get out there" after the divorce. I didn't. It's been my choice to just sit back and reflect on everything while taking care of the day to day things. It has been some time now since that original reaction from people has died down. Although, now that more time has past and it's obvious everyone has moved on while leaving the relationship baggage behind, I have started to realize those same questions being thrown at me again at every turn.

I do acknowledge that they are doing it with the best of intentions....God bless them.... but mm...

I just don't know how to explain myself to others in this area. Heck, I'm not sure how to explain it to myself. I know I don't have to answer to any of those people, but I'm trying to out of pure curiosity of myself at this point

I've turned down dates. I've politely gone around others' flirtatious behavior. I've darted the opposite direction from some that make me blush just to see them smiling at me. I RUN. Period.

Why?

I'm seriously over my failed marriage/ex. I've resolved what I feel was my part in it. I'm older now. I'm wiser. I'm at a point in my life where I feel I have come full circle in soo many areas; therefore, more in-tune to what red flags are, what I hope for, and such.

I've sat here and thought about it while typing this out, and the main thing that comes to mind repeatedly is that I just don't want to hurt like that again. Plain and simple. I don't know how to do something less than 110%. I don't know how to, not commit. I guess that's my issue. Well, maybe it's the fear of that characteristic/fault? that is the issue.

Is it unhealthy to be this content being single, for me personally? Granted, I'm not loving it. I can't see myself going through this life without my hand in someone else's hand. I just can't seem to take that first step, because I don't know what that first step is...

I've prayed about it for a long time now. As a teenager I use to pray for my future spouse. I went off the path later in life and ended up here. Decisions make your life. Scary. I still pray for a future "someone", even if I'm not sure about that scenerio being for me. I'm continuing to pray for guidance. I have peace about I think, but can I be sure that it's peace or me just settling to live in fear?....fear of what? Fear, or excuses?

I guess these are my thoughts tonight.........this morning, because I see soo many absolutely torn trying to find that certain someone. I sit here "content" with where I'm at, while wishing though that I could have that kind of passion. I'm old fashioned and a closet sappy romantic. I would think that the opposite of all of this, would be my problem.

Do I not need it, OR, have I just not really ever KNOWN it to be able to miss it.... want it........

Ugh, I know.
This was long.
Apologies.

byHISway · #2 24th October 2009, 04:05 AM

ha

I just reread my title.

I can't be challenged when I haven't tried...

So, I'm 0 for 0 post divorce.

Humorous

Macx · #3 24th October 2009, 05:30 AM

Ha, Great post to be reading at 3:17 a.m. my time. Been there made the opposite mistake, got the T-shirt. It isn't easy after a divorce. I will say, before I turn in (which is to say this isn't the extent of my thoughts on the topic) that God may very well bless you with someone better than you would think possible. Two things I did:

1. I threw out the template that I held up to women to decide who was "right". I used the "template" to identify my wife, the unsuccessful rebound I had convinced myself I was ready for. . . . things didn't get rolling till I threw that out.

2. I seriously sat down to think and pray about a Godly wife. Us guys have Proverbs 31 to look to, I am sure someplace scripture talks about a Godly man in similar terms. I thought about what aspects of the various wives of other men I admired. Thought about the smart ones, the artsy ones, the ones that radiate kindness. . . . independant, informed, strong, women that are good mothers . .. . all virtues I could think of I sat and thought and prayed. Thinking and praying on these things, she pretty much glowwed with a golden aura and trumpets when I saw her . . because I had so inundated my prayer life and thought life with these virtues and righteous aspects. How could I not recognize her?

So, now I am going to go lay down beside her and sleep.

byHISway · #4 24th October 2009, 02:21 PM

Yes, very early posting. You know how that goes, those few rare moments truely to yourself.

I agree on the template thing. Obviously it didn't work the first time around. It by no means meant, that I expected a guy to follow a "list" of expectations. Not true, but I did have this false perception.

This was very touching, and has given me some comfort. Thank you, for sharing.

ido · #5 26th October 2009, 05:49 PM

Being over your ex/marriage/divorce doesn't necessarily mean you are ready/willing to date.

I was over my ex and our relationship after about 2 years - but I still wasn't ready to date.

I won't even say that I was ready to date when I met my fiance. lol I had actually decided that I was content with just focusing on the kids and building a more secure life for the three of us. Meeting my fiance was a pleasant surprise.

BeanMak · #6 26th October 2009, 09:46 PM

My husband died in 1996. It took me 11 years before I found someone else I wanted to spend time with. :::shrugh:::
God's time

ShainaBrina · #7 28th October 2009, 03:34 PM

2 Tim 1:7 For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.

Rom 8:15 For you did not receive the spirit of bondage again to fear, but you received the Spirit of adoption by whom we cry out, "Abba, Father."

We must hold every thought captive and reject thoughts that are from the enemy and/or not in line with the Word. The bible tells us not to be afraid or worry about the future. So having fear is a bad thing - sin even.

BarelyBreathing · #8 3rd November 2009, 09:45 PM

I don't think there is anything wrong in being happy being single, for however long you choose.

I have not dated, and at times I find myself doing the "duck and run" real well also. I think in some ways it is very natural. A problem I have is that I often distrust men's intentions..... I do not really believe a guy likes me even if he says he does.

You mentioned not wanting to hurt again. Fear can be a big stopper. God doe snot want us to fear, and really at some point we need to learn to let go and let God. At some point we have to learn to open our heart and trust others. To allow others in and to make ourselves vulnerable.

Thanks for sharing ByHISway.

JohnDB · #9 3rd November 2009, 11:37 PM

Being single is much much easier than being married. Living life as a pagan and not a Christian is also easier...but that isn't what most of us are called to do.

Giving is characteristic of Christians...and marriage is all about giving. It isn't about being dependant upon the other person...even though you do count on them.

Being completely self sufficient and yet willing to give of yourself to another is really a marrriage. Scarey too. KNow all about being scared.

Fear of pain or promise of pleasure are two big motivators. And right now you have the two fighting each other.

Quit looking at men as "dating material"...and if they look at you that way...well...ain't much you can do. Be a friend...go on group dates. adjust your manner to make it clear that you are only wanting a social, activity partner. Set boundaries for yourself...even in discussions. Make very prudent choices in friendships.

But...your heart will still get broken from time to time. And even though you do not want that pain there are worse things than having a broken heart...and that is a heart so hardened that it can't be hurt at all. Relish the pain...it means you are alive and well. (I ain't advocating going out and seeking it)

One of the side effects of divorce is that it gets easier to call the next relationship quits...no matter how serious it is. It is a callous that develops in our hearts. So...take things easy and carefully...and be aware of that as you move on.

I know this ain't much help...but it certainly is food for thought.

byHISway · #10 4th November 2009, 02:11 AM

Your'e all correct, as much as I wanted to dispute it. I basically admitted it myself.

What I fear:

1. My ex was my first bf at age 20. I lived a pretty busy life style and had VERY strict parents. It was a fast relationship and I learned about relationships during the marriage....dated, pregnant, married. It was rough. Not something I suggest for others. I, don't know how to "date".

2. What I think about "dating" is not the status quo these days. Places like this though, are helping me regain my faith in the process and the fact that I'm not the only one on this earth with my ideals or wishes. Honestly, it's not about dating. It's about both sides giving willingly and how that is taken soo lightly now.

The cold heart, has got to go apparently. It's not who I really am. It's just ......."icky".

Don't doubt your words of advice, it has helped much more than you think.

((hugs to everyone))