My GF struggles a lot with sexual desire - An unusual problem...

cvaster · #1 21st October 2009, 05:11 AM

My GF struggles a lot with sexual desire - An unusual problem... My girlfriend and I are both Christians and we've been dating for over a year now. We've NOT had pre-marital sex, but there have been many "moments of passion" which are 99.9% of the time initiated by her - I have always made a conscious effort to not tempt her. The problem is that my lack of significant struggle with sexual temptation makes her feel like she's unattractive or undesirable or unloved and I do not want her to feel that way. I've explained to her that God wants us to "flee from all sexual immorality" and she agrees that is true and best, but she simply cannot stop herself from wanting to get physical. Touch is her strongest "love language"...quality time is mine. No matter how strongly I resist, she cannot disconnect her sexual desires from her spiritual beliefs. If it weren't for my strength in this area, she admits that she would have had sex with me on several occasions in which we were overly-physical...but I didn't allow it to go any further, so we didn't. She's genuine in wanting to obey the Lord, but she struggles SO much with her need to feel loved through touch. Holding hands, a hug, a short kiss are all enough for me to feel loved, but not for her. It's to the point now that I really am starting to not be interested in dating at all, because I can't meet a christian girl who doesn't have problems in this area. She wants to get married, but i'm afraid that's just so she won't have to struggle anymore. This is really the only "problem-area" I see with her and her walk with God, so I'm not looking to hear any kind of "she isn't a real christian, dump her." kind of replies. We're all sinners, so please spare the condemning her for pre-marital sexual struggles. Perhaps there are some other females here that have had similar feelings as my GF who could share with me how they approach those feelings...?

Melethiel · #2 21st October 2009, 09:13 AM

Draw strict boundaries in how far you will go. Exactly what are those boundaries are for every couple to decide on their own. For example, with my boyfriend, we've decided that clothes stay on and hands stay above the belt and away from intimate areas (eg, breasts).

Maybe you should also take a few days break from each other to pray and decide what you really want out of the relationship - and then talk about it.

alfrodull · #3 21st October 2009, 09:46 AM

If you've been dating for over a year, have done more than "short kisses", and aren't tempted, I seriously question your attraction to her, and at the very least your compatibility as far as sex drive.

NiobiumTragedy · #4 21st October 2009, 02:03 PM

I agree with both. This can end up being a major issue for you not far down the road. You two need to really talk about it and find an answer before the answer finds you.

This is a natural process the body goes through. It's called hormones. Sometimes the urges and desires of some people are stronger than others. It becomes even more of an issue if the person has already been sexually active because most of the time, these urges become more forceful and harder to not give in to. However, if it's becoming an issue for you to not even want to be in a relationship, then you need to discuss the matter and find a resolve.

cvaster · #5 21st October 2009, 02:17 PM

Originally Posted by alfrodull

If you've been dating for over a year, have done more than "short kisses", and aren't tempted, I seriously question your attraction to her, and at the very least your compatibility as far as sex drive.

I'm extremely attracted to her, it's just that i'm very firm in my strength to flee from sexual immorality, though I admittedly stumble on that occasionally - though far less often than the typical male. It has nothing to do with my sex drive or compatibility with that, it has everything to do with right and wrong.

Mr.Cheese · #6 22nd October 2009, 12:02 AM

Teufelhund · #7 23rd October 2009, 12:21 AM

The issue is not so much that you have not succumbed to temptation as that initially you claim to be above temptation, as in not afflicted by it. If it is something you desire, something that is good then the devil will try to take advantage of it, ergo temptation. All temptations are in essence the perversion of a good want. So if you are not feeling the temptation it is likely that you are not feeling the want. Period. Secondly, how does one flee from a desire that does not exist. It seems to me, and this is my opinion, but I suspect that you have simply chosen this girl because she in essence presents an easy way out, no temptation is equal to no possibility of slipping up. Which in turn is not fair to her as you lack the desire or at least appear to. Thirdly, what is preventing you from getting married? If this is "the only area where there could be problems", then why wait? I mean there is no reason to rush into a marriage but if everything else is ready and the only thing that is still an issue is the fact that she desires you...
Although I suspect given your probable lack of desire for her that it will not make her happy. If you cannot show her that you are attracted to her, or are not attracted to her than you have no business in forcing her to cater to your desire for the perfect Christian mate. The only things worthwhile usually come with some temptation, the subjugation of good desires being the cause of temptation, it is how we act when we are faced with the temptation that determines whether the end is good or evil. If we act in such a manner as to completely avoid temptation then yes we will avoid it, but we will also lose our chance to master our nature, to turn our nature to a state of true Godliness.

peacemaker19800 · #8 23rd October 2009, 03:59 PM

Originally Posted by cvaster

My GF struggles a lot with sexual desire - An unusual problem... My girlfriend and I are both Christians and we've been dating for over a year now. We've NOT had pre-marital sex, but there have been many "moments of passion" which are 99.9% of the time initiated by her - I have always made a conscious effort to not tempt her. The problem is that my lack of significant struggle with sexual temptation makes her feel like she's unattractive or undesirable or unloved and I do not want her to feel that way. I've explained to her that God wants us to "flee from all sexual immorality" and she agrees that is true and best, but she simply cannot stop herself from wanting to get physical. Touch is her strongest "love language"...quality time is mine. No matter how strongly I resist, she cannot disconnect her sexual desires from her spiritual beliefs. If it weren't for my strength in this area, she admits that she would have had sex with me on several occasions in which we were overly-physical...but I didn't allow it to go any further, so we didn't. She's genuine in wanting to obey the Lord, but she struggles SO much with her need to feel loved through touch. Holding hands, a hug, a short kiss are all enough for me to feel loved, but not for her. It's to the point now that I really am starting to not be interested in dating at all, because I can't meet a christian girl who doesn't have problems in this area. She wants to get married, but i'm afraid that's just so she won't have to struggle anymore. This is really the only "problem-area" I see with her and her walk with God, so I'm not looking to hear any kind of "she isn't a real christian, dump her." kind of replies. We're all sinners, so please spare the condemning her for pre-marital sexual struggles. Perhaps there are some other females here that have had similar feelings as my GF who could share with me how they approach those feelings...?

I want to COMMEND you on your strength and DEDICATION to God. It takes a true man to practice "yield not to temptation". Just pray for her because you don't want her to feel she has to have "physical contact" to feel wanted. I don't know your girlfriend and i don't want to make you mad, but if she feels she has to get physical affection to feel "attractive" she may have some self esteem issues. Even if things don't work between the two of you, she still needs to work on on seperating physical affection from physical attraction..Just because you're not being affectionate doesn't mean you are unattractive. Explain that to her and help her seperate the two. I too, use to be "emotionally dependant". I felt if a guy didn't hold my hand..he wasn't interested...That may be true, however, when guys didn't hold my hand or be affectionate (rub my back randomly in public) it helped me grow STRONGER!!!! I am so emotionally INDEPENDANT NOW. I am 29 years old, single and beautiful. I just don't feel I need to be in a relationship to validate my self worth.
My advice to you would be keep praying for her and limit the amount of activities you do sitting down or that invilve sitting...(movies, going out to eat) Try going for a hike or to an indoor rock climbing.) Afterwards, if you want to dine out, sit at a different table or feed her with a 10 foot spoon...I am only kidding. Seriously, do LIMIT the amount of time you spend together that involve CLOSE contact. i wish you all the best and stay strong..If she is the right one, God will reveal that to you. He will also (as you already know) reward you for being obidient.
Take Care, best luck to you both!

peacemaker19800 · #9 23rd October 2009, 04:00 PM

Originally Posted by cvaster

My GF struggles a lot with sexual desire - An unusual problem... My girlfriend and I are both Christians and we've been dating for over a year now. We've NOT had pre-marital sex, but there have been many "moments of passion" which are 99.9% of the time initiated by her - I have always made a conscious effort to not tempt her. The problem is that my lack of significant struggle with sexual temptation makes her feel like she's unattractive or undesirable or unloved and I do not want her to feel that way. I've explained to her that God wants us to "flee from all sexual immorality" and she agrees that is true and best, but she simply cannot stop herself from wanting to get physical. Touch is her strongest "love language"...quality time is mine. No matter how strongly I resist, she cannot disconnect her sexual desires from her spiritual beliefs. If it weren't for my strength in this area, she admits that she would have had sex with me on several occasions in which we were overly-physical...but I didn't allow it to go any further, so we didn't. She's genuine in wanting to obey the Lord, but she struggles SO much with her need to feel loved through touch. Holding hands, a hug, a short kiss are all enough for me to feel loved, but not for her. It's to the point now that I really am starting to not be interested in dating at all, because I can't meet a christian girl who doesn't have problems in this area. She wants to get married, but i'm afraid that's just so she won't have to struggle anymore. This is really the only "problem-area" I see with her and her walk with God, so I'm not looking to hear any kind of "she isn't a real christian, dump her." kind of replies. We're all sinners, so please spare the condemning her for pre-marital sexual struggles. Perhaps there are some other females here that have had similar feelings as my GF who could share with me how they approach those feelings...?

I want to COMMEND you on your strength and DEDICATION to God. It takes a true man to practice "yield not to temptation". Just pray for her because you don't want her to feel she has to have "physical contact" to feel wanted. I don't know your girlfriend and i don't want to make you mad, but if she feels she has to get physical affection to feel "attractive" she may have some self esteem issues. Even if things don't work between the two of you, she still needs to work on on seperating physical affection from physical attraction..Just because you're not being affectionate doesn't mean you are unattractive. Explain that to her and help her seperate the two. I too, use to be "emotionally dependant". I felt if a guy didn't hold my hand..he wasn't interested...That may be true, however, when guys didn't hold my hand or be affectionate (rub my back randomly in public) it helped me grow STRONGER!!!! I am so emotionally INDEPENDANT NOW. I am 29 years old, single and beautiful. I just don't feel I need to be in a relationship to validate my self worth.
My advice to you would be keep praying for her and limit the amount of activities you do sitting down or that invilve sitting...(movies, going out to eat) Try going for a hike or to an indoor rock climbing.) Afterwards, if you want to dine out, sit at a different table or feed her with a 10 foot spoon...I am only kidding. Seriously, do LIMIT the amount of time you spend together that involve CLOSE contact. i wish you all the best and stay strong..If she is the right one, God will reveal that to you. He will also (as you already know) reward you for being obidient.
Take Care, best luck to you both!

bliz · #10 23rd October 2009, 04:50 PM

Why is this an "unusual" problem?

Stay away from places where you could go too far or have sex, and it will not happen. It's much easier to go to Starbucks and behave than it is to sit at home and behave. Make this easier on yourselves.