A friend who went back to her unequally yoked/abusive relationship?! Please help

mick455 · #1 20th October 2009, 10:30 PM

This is part of an email I sent to a pastor seeking help,

"She seemed fine this past Saturday morning. She actually wanted me to go out with her and a friend that afternoon. We talked most of the morning and then didn't for like 45 minutes. I came back and she told me she was walking away. I talked to her for an hour after that on why she was. She told me it was because I was too young, emotionally immature, ect (which I am to a certain extent). Like 5 hours later I texted her because I couldn't stand the fact that it was my fault she was leaving. These things weren't really a problem before and I thought there was probably more to it than just that. She called me like 3 minutes later and basically she had been driving the past 4 hours to her favorite place where she could think about things.

She told me that she found out her ex had a girlfriend and started vomiting and shaking uncontrollably (I'm assuming this was during that 45 minute span I didn't talk to her because she changed so fast when I got back). So she came to the conclusion she wasn't ready for another relationship and I didn't have a problem with that. I was actually doing much better after that. I figured that we could get back together when she thought she was ready. This kinda of thing had happened many times before and I felt a sense of peace about the situation.

I started to worry a little more on Monday though because she had made no attempt to talk to me... I'm just not used to that. I'm used to being there when she needs someone to talk to...normally that’s pretty often. The place she had driven to was where her ex lived. I figured that it was a very very slight chance she would go back to him but the idea was floating around in the back of my head. I just tried not to think about it.

On Tuesday I figured out she really did go back to her ex.

As I explained earlier these meltdowns had happened many times with me before and she always pushed away help during the beginning. She has said extremely nasty things to me multiple times during these different instances. She tries to convince herself and others that she is a bad person. Following that (if you give her enough time) she will normally acknowledge what she has said and she will try to get out of her little rut. She knows that she has these meltdowns periodically but has had a really hard time seeking help.

I have tried so many times to get her to contact a pastor or some kind of help and she will normally say she will but as soon as she is out of the rut she never does. After the last meltdown she spent most of the night researching her disorder and found out what she was supposed to take to balance things out more. That was like 2 weeks ago and I don't think she ever started taking it.

Anyway... I have no idea if she immediately felt like she was supposed to go back to ex that morning or if it was something brought on by going to the city in which he lives. He can get her to do things she normally wouldn't do though. To my knowledge he would normally send her emails everyday to try and wear her down. Once in a while he would bug her so much that she would actually talk to him on the phone or go see him or do other things. All of this happened during our relationship. It was an extremely hard thing for her to deal with but she was making good progress in the right direction. I was getting the impression he was finally letting go of her but I guess I was wrong. She didn’t completely let go because of the fear of him committing suicide.

He knew what to do to make her feel sorry for him. He was extremely controlling. Two or three weeks ago she deleted all her stuff on facebook because her ex spent an hour talking to her on the phone telling her what a horrible and selfish person she was.

She had been very stressed on Saturday. That is bad for her disorder... that coupled with her other hormone imbalances and the extreme control her ex still had over her I think caused her to really lose it this time. It has happened before but never like this.

Her ex will pull her away from God. He is very controlling, abusive and bad for her. I'm afraid he has to much control over her now. I don't know if she will be able to get out of his hold any time soon.

I have not gotten to talk to her since Saturday. I think I sent 3 texts on Tuesday when I figured out that she went back to him. I tried to call after and she didn’t pick up. I tried again about 20 minutes later only to find out that my phone number had been blocked. She deleted me from her facebook. She shows up as invisible to me on facebook.

I had an amazing relationship with this girl until this past Saturday afternoon. Her being sick along with her medical condition and her very smart ex caused her to snap and lose everything that she had worked for this past summer. I lost everything I worked for too. I spent so much time, emotional energy and love on this girl and she snapped and threw it away within just a little 45 minute span.

I have not got to talk to her about it. She has completely shut me out of her life.

It would take to long to explain how I know, but she did really love me. I know that its mostly not her fault. I have seen firsthand what her medical condition and her ex can do to her. It still hurts so much though. I feel like I got played. I lost my best friend and the woman I was planning on spending the rest of my life with.

I still love her and am not really mad at her… The thing that scares me the most is that her life will be ruined by her boyfriend. She spent the summer strengthening her relationship with Christ and her ex will take that all away.

I do have a problem with taking to much responsibility for people and their situations though...I've noticed it in other things too. I think/felt like I took on a lot of emotional baggage for her during our relationship. I was there for her when nobody else was. I helped her through things that I probably shouldn’t have. I wanted to be there for her all the time and tried to help as best I could. I think that's partly what elevated our relationship to such a high level so fast.

Please pray for this girl. Please pray for her family. Please pray for me. The thing that I cared about more than anything besides my relationship with Christ was abruptly taken away and is being ruined. It will be almost impossible for her to keep a healthy relationship with Christ if she is in a relationship with her ex. I have never been so torn emotionally."

This girl recently broke up with me after about 3 and a half months and went back to her ex.

Her ex is abusive. He abuses her verbally, mentally, and emotionally from what I have seen. She broke up with him at the beginning of the summer but kept in contact with him because he had tried to commit suicide several times in past.

She is essentially bi-polar. She had many instances where I guess you could say she became a different person. She would try to convince me she wasn't good enough for me, ect. Two of these times she told me she was going back to her ex but I was able to convince her not to.

This last time I had no idea she was actually thinking about going back to her ex and didn't talk to her about it. When I figured out she did it was to late and she cut off contact with me.

I DO NOT want a relationship with this girl anytime soon. If there ever was a chance of us getting back together she would need to show me she has changed in some areas first. However I still love this girl and I feel like I should try once more to contact her about this situation.

I could really use some advice;
What would you tell this girl?
How would you convince her that going back to her abusive ex is a bad idea?
How would you explain to her that being in a relationship with someone who is not a Christian is a bad idea?
How would you encourage her that God has someone better out there for her?
Any scripture to back up the statements would be great.

Please help me with this. I am going to try one email and see if I can make a difference before she gets to deep into this relationship.

Johnnz · #2 20th October 2009, 10:50 PM

For reasons we don't fully understand some people will go right back into bad situations and relationships. Probably one major reason is the inner dysfunction for whatever reasons that lie behind the original choices. Until these are addressed the continue to push a person back into old ways.

Offer what advice you can. Pray for her and with her if she will allow that. But, recognise she is living her own life, and you cannot force her to accept your advice. Be there whenever she comes, but you must ensure that you don't allow your compassion to blind you to reality. It's never nice watching someone yu care for self destruct, but that can happen. We do learn from experience and become wiser, but hopefully not more cynical or willing to reach out to needy people.

John
NZ

Revived · #3 21st October 2009, 01:05 AM

I agree with Johnnz and I'd like to offer the following prayer... Praise to you, Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, source of all consolation and hope. By your Son's death and His ascension into the Heavens, He remains our light in every darkness, our strength in every weakness. Father please be the refuge and Guardian of all who suffer from abuse and violence. Comfort them and send healing for their body, soul and spirit. Heal the brokenness in all victims of abuse and revive the spirits of all who endure this sin. Make us one with You in Your love as we deepen our respect for the dignity of every human life. Giver of strength, courage and peace, pour Your Spirit upon us all to become all You've created us to be. In Jesus' precious name. Amen.

LauraLu · #4 21st October 2009, 01:55 AM

She has blocked your calls and all contact with you. That is God's way of showing you that it is not your place to comfort her, encourage her, or convince her of anything. You have to let it go up to Him. He used you in her life at a time when she was receptive. Now, for reasons that are not for you to know, he has allowed her to go back to her ex. She will learn these lessons the hard way and in God's time. As much as it hurts to know that she is harming herself, there is just nothing you can do about it.

I sympathize with both you and with this girl. I know how hard it is to watch someone you love make bad decisions and have no control over it. It is EXTREMELY painful to let someone go, but they are better off if we don't interfere with God's work. However, I also know what it's like to be in a similar situation to hers. It seems crazy to you, but dysfunctional relationships can be the hardest ones to get out of because you are constantly in a battle of head versus heart. And even harder if you have mental instability such as bipolar disorder.

All you can do for this girl is pray for her. And that's the biggest thing of all. You have made a positive impact on her, whether you can see it right now or not. And now God is going to use you for something else. Don't distract yourself from his plan while you are hung up on this. (and I know all this is easier said than done.)

Praying for you both!!