Is There Really Communication Difficulty Between the Sexes?

McScribe · #1 19th October 2009, 06:04 PM

Very confusing issue came up with my wife. I asked her to read to me an email she had said earlier felt very critical to her. I listened to her, and then commented that while I could see that it might be taken as criticism that it was actually quite constructive and was probably not meant to be offensive. She utterly clammed up. After a long while of trying to get her to talk she said that she didn't know what I had wanted her to say.

After all this time I still have moments where I don't think I understand her--or any woman for that matter--at all.

Steelerbred33 · #2 19th October 2009, 06:28 PM

There will always be difficulty with the sexes and considering that we are all unique it only compounds the challenges of communication.

Generally, women have a desire to feel understood and supported. Men, on the other hand, use communication has a means of relaying information.

One could see how difficulties can arise because of this!

Using empathy "Yeah, I can see how you feel that way," may have encouraged a different response.

visionary · #3 19th October 2009, 06:33 PM

a woman sees the man as her main support, with a big shoulder, and an understanding heart...if only he saw himself as she does.

dorig59 · #4 19th October 2009, 06:34 PM

Yes, there can be difficulty communicating to a degree, it differs from couple to couple, of course. Women say things like "wow, it's really hot in here", when what they really are saying is "could you please turn the air conditioning colder for me?", that sort of thing, or "are you hungry" can mean "I'm hungry, let's go eat together". Does any of this sound familiar? I don't know why we do this, but we do. Something my husband does that can get me crazy is he tends to take things to the extreme on issues, like there's no middle ground on stuff, it's all one way or the other. So I am very careful with some things about how I say it so that he understands what I really mean.

Browneyes84 · #5 20th October 2009, 02:41 AM

There are differences in communication which cause difficulties. What wives need their husbands to be and do is to LISTEN first. We just want to know that you're going to listen to what we are saying and we need to know that you can provide a safe environment for us to just blab whatever it is we need to. We don't need constructive criticism when we're trying to explain something, trust me it ticks us off. We also don't need problem-solving right away either, unless we ask for it. We just need you to listen! I tell my DH this ALL THE TIME.

When your wife had mentioned to you the email was critical, you could have asked her "oh, what did I say? how could I have said it better?" along with " (insert term of endearment here), next time I'll try to remember that".

Autumnleaf · #6 20th October 2009, 03:49 AM

Originally Posted by McScribe

Very confusing issue came up with my wife. I asked her to read to me an email she had said earlier felt very critical to her. I listened to her, and then commented that while I could see that it might be taken as criticism that it was actually quite constructive and was probably not meant to be offensive. She utterly clammed up. After a long while of trying to get her to talk she said that she didn't know what I had wanted her to say.

After all this time I still have moments where I don't think I understand her--or any woman for that matter--at all.

You agreed she needed constructive criticism... = You bad bad boy. Buy her some flowers and tell her she's perfect just the way she is and she shouldn't change for anyone, especially that jerk who sent her the email.

Hosannainthehighest · #7 20th October 2009, 06:06 AM

Originally Posted by McScribe

Very confusing issue came up with my wife. I asked her to read to me an email she had said earlier felt very critical to her. I listened to her, and then commented that while I could see that it might be taken as criticism that it was actually quite constructive and was probably not meant to be offensive. She utterly clammed up. After a long while of trying to get her to talk she said that she didn't know what I had wanted her to say.

After all this time I still have moments where I don't think I understand her--or any woman for that matter--at all.

She may have been hurt and offended by your response, hence the clamming up and then not wanting to reopen to you. She needed something from you, and the comment you gave was not what she needed.
Don't worry about trying to understand "any woman" you only need to understand 1. Try gently asking her what it was that she needed, let her know sincerely that it will help you to learn how to understand her needs better in the future. She will know exactly what she needs from you, but may need a safe environment to express herself to you.

Conservativation · #8 20th October 2009, 08:02 AM

Originally Posted by Browneyes84

There are differences in communication which cause difficulties. What wives need their husbands to be and do is to LISTEN first. We just want to know that you're going to listen to what we are saying and we need to know that you can provide a safe environment for us to just blab whatever it is we need to. We don't need constructive criticism when we're trying to explain something, trust me it ticks us off. We also don't need problem-solving right away either, unless we ask for it. We just need you to listen! I tell my DH this ALL THE TIME.

When your wife had mentioned to you the email was critical, you could have asked her "oh, what did I say? how could I have said it better?" along with " (insert term of endearment here), next time I'll try to remember that".

Not to pick on this post, it just was a good illustration of a failure to bring men and women together in communication.
What you say is 100% true....but it doesnt men its 100% the solution. Sadly we are taught that this is the solution...men must learn to communicate like women....end of story. This teaching is building huge resentment in men.

I get it about the empathizing. What I dont agree with is that SOMETIMES it IS ok to "fix". If she is talking about how she FEELS about something, or about a relational issue....absolutely its empathy as the order of the day....but what conventional wisdome fails utterly to teach is conversely ladies, there IS a time for fixing...and fixing is an act of love as much as empathizing...its your husband using the fact of his maleness in service to you....and that is then portrayed as him being an insensitive clod.

Unless and until we celebrate the virutues of both, its gonna go on like it is, frustrating. Teach both ways, value both ways, give appropriate voice to both ways.....but teaching about how men communicate now is done NOT to celebrate it, but to use it as the example of how NOT to do it.

Sometimes the expression, "if you wanted to marry a woman, why didnt you?" IS a valid sarcasm.

Tell me, with the counseling and books and preaching we have now, teaching men how to be better women.....hows it workin out for ya?

Dorig again shines through as the woman who trys to "go both ways"...and thats great.

dorig59 · #9 20th October 2009, 08:15 AM

One little hint I have for women when trying to get your husband to listen: make it as simple and uncomplicated as you can. If we go on and on and on, he starts tuning out pretty quick. It's best just to get to the point as quickly as possible, keep it as uncomplicated as possible. I'm not saying that any woman here doesn't do that, just giving it as an example of how to get through to him when you want to.

myanchor · #10 20th October 2009, 12:30 PM

That's part of active listening, keep it in bite size chunks. Ladies if you go on and on I can guarantee his eyes will glaze over and he won't be able to continue really listening.