Sweet heart, I need a big shoulder, and a listening ear, no so much for resolution but just to understand.
Usually they can handle that.
__________________ Since the Torah is a finite book expressing the will of an infinite God, many lessons must be derivable from each passage from all the infinite angles.
Hosanna you make a very good point. I guess because we are restoring intimacy to our relationship I really want to do things right--I want her to continue to feel that she can trust me but at the same time I don't want issues and problems to remain so. So I find that what you're saying is helpful--you seem to be suggesting that I need to make it very clear that I do care about how she feels while ultimately intending to deal with whatever issue is there?
well the thing is, what is the point of dealing with an issue if you aren't taking into consideration how your wife feels? the most important thing in life is relationship, understanding her, and dealing with her in her language.
__________________ Sincerity and truth are what you require; fill my mind with your wisdom Psalms 51:6 (GNB)
Very confusing issue came up with my wife. I asked her to read to me an email she had said earlier felt very critical to her. I listened to her, and then commented that while I could see that it might be taken as criticism that it was actually quite constructive and was probably not meant to be offensive. She utterly clammed up. After a long while of trying to get her to talk she said that she didn't know what I had wanted her to say.
After all this time I still have moments where I don't think I understand her--or any woman for that matter--at all.
What you are describing sounds more like age old pride to me. If caught in the right mood, either sex could be offended by,"constructive criticism." It could also be specific to her personality as opposed her femaleness. I be if you are honest though, you can think of times when you were offended by what someobe else called constructive criticism.
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Character fosters hope within others, while compromise builds dissillusionment
What happens when you say that, and then your husband says to get over the way you feel, and focus on the solution?
Ask yourself....IF there is a solution...what possible rational reason could one have to NOT want it?
As a man I often want to say, it seems to me that she is happier when there is something to be unhappy about and share that unhappiness. I mean, what drives a person to milk bad things for emotional connection IF there really are ways to fix it?
I get it that some relational things, friends, family, etc. are not really fixable, and then, I get the empathy...but IF there is a true fix....good grief it makes no sense to not want it.
I posted that article by the female psychologist, who I assume gets this much better than I, and she asks, why would anyone want to hang on to a huge unresolved ball of negative emotions? Well, if they do....OK, but why then would a 2nd person (the husband) want to? There may be some things that you just wont be able to get the type of relating you crave unless its with another woman.....and as she says, thats not always a bad thing.
Folks are different, not better or worse....and each must learn the others language...not HE must become HER as is the common wisdom.
I am not a person to want to "hang onto" unresolved blobs of issues. However, if it is the first time I am bringing up an issue-- for instance, something nasty happened to me at work-- I wonder if I am asking for too much for a husband to lend a sympathetic ear. I am there have been times where he has vented to me about things and I've listened, and then afterwards have asked him or mentioned to him whether or not he thinks something should be done differently, or what I think-- hence, solution. But I can tell you that if I were to dismiss the way my husband felt about something, he'd be angry with me.
In a way, I can understand some of what the psychologist is saying. I have a relative who often complains to me about the same thing over and over, and it gets to the point where I don't pick up the phone anymore. I mean, I've let her have her say and lent a sympathetic ear on numerous occasions. She has sought a solution to what her problem is, but she continues to complain about it. I can understand from that point of view.
What about the POV where you just want to know that someone is going to acknowledge you and hear you out for the first time? Imagine having someone "listen" to you for 5 minutes while you're sharing what's going on and the first thing that's said is "who cares, what are you going to do about it?"
And then what happens when SHE has to become HIM? I've done that so many times I can't even tell you when it started or when it's going to end. I've learned that verbal intimacy and communication is just probably not something that will ever exist in my marriage. I've learned that if my husband wants intimacy, it's going to be through sex and that's about it.
__________________ Dana (possessed by Zuul): Do you want this body?
Yea, I had to actually force myself..but i do it...i close things and move away from distractions and stare at her and LISTEN. Its not easy depending on when and where it is. I am not a sports guy, so Im not "watching the game"....I read a lot, so thats my weakness.
After 20 years I figured it helps the relationship and she wants it...so i do it. It will NEVER REALLY be something im just chomping the bit to do.....no way, and likely she can tell that. I guess I get credit for trying. But Im told women are looking for someone to say "yea, I know exactly how you FEEL about that...me too"...and i can tell you, if thats the case, most men are not gonna be there.
That we listen though, and engage, IS critical. I agree.
I don't think it's always necessary to ask a husband "do you understand/or feel what I am feeling?" but more so "can you hear me out/are my feelings unfounded?" I think that would be along the lines of acknowledgment.
__________________ Dana (possessed by Zuul): Do you want this body?
Linear Mode
