“Men aren’t good at expressing emotions.” “Men only talk about sports.” “Men need to be more sensitive.”“Men are all jerks.” We’ve all heard these platitudes and they’re grade-A nonsense.
There’s an ever rising population of aggro men in this country and women have no one to blame but themselves. Men are hurt, angry and confused- even if they don’t know why- and with good reason. 1) Men have emotions. Women need only adjust how they listen. Men express plenty of feelings; they just do it differently than women and there’s nothing wrong with that.
You know how Eskimos supposedly have 4 dozen words for snow? It’s the same thing for women and feelings. They have over 4 dozen ways to describe happy, angry, sad–4 dozen reasons why they’re mad at their co-worker today.
When a woman says, “men need to be more sensitive and in touch with their emotions,” I hear, “men need to be more like women.” Bad idea. If women want to be with men who can talk about their feelings and daily minutia just like their best girlfriend, then why don’t they just get together with their girlfriend? 2) Men are more solution-focused while women are process-focused. There have been numerous studies (of questionable methodology) asserting that women use more words than men per day. Recent research finds such assertions are unfounded. Men and women actually use about the same number of words a day. It’s not a matter of women being more verbal; generally speaking, we’re equally verbal.
Here’s the difference: women use words to process their feelings, often wallowing in emotions without reaching resolution. Men state their feelings and use words to achieve resolution. As a collective, women have told men that not talking about feelings as much as they do makes them inadequate.For the record, a glut of feelings without resolution is meaningless.
Society doesn’t tell women, “Hey, instead of blathering about your feelings and problems all day, why don’t you get off your ass and do something about them.” I don’t walk around saying, “I don’t know how to fix my car,” like I’m an abnormal defective. Yet, I’ve heard countless men parrot, “I’m not good at talking about my feelings” in a tone that sounds like they’ve been beaten into submission. Women say this to the men they supposedly love without batting an eyelash and men just swallow it. Can you imagine the female outrage if men did the same thing to women by saying, “You’re not good at being rational.” How It Happened
Thirty years ago, Psychologybecame “feminized.” Women entered the field in droves in the late 1970s. Now, women greatly outnumber male mental health professionals, and let’s face it, the men who enter the field may as well have a uterus, that’s how estrogen-ized the field has become.
Thus began the “men need to be more sensitive and get in touch with their feelings” re-education movement. Female mental health “experts” surfaced in the proliferation of daytime talk shows and male characters cried openly on television shows like 30something to get in touch with their “sensitive side.” The Lie and the Truth
In this confluence of events, men tried to become the sensitive guy modern women claimed to want, but did they? In reality, most women don’t want men who cry when they watch “Beaches.” In fact, most women don’t want to be with men who would willingly watch Beaches or a Lifetime network movie.
They don’t want men to be unfeeling robots, but want them to be men–strong and reliable, yet capable of tenderness. The result? American men, once stalwart bull mastiffs, turned into angry confused Pekingese drowning in a sea of mixed signals unleashed by women.
I sympathize with men. As a group, they were put into a no-win situation by women who didn’t understand their changing roles or what they wanted.
Accept and embrace the differences. Why swim upstream? It’s a lot easier to appreciate and desire men in all their glories and faults, then to try to make them become “like us.” It makes relationships easier. It makes life easier. It makes it easier to forgive and to love.
by Dr Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD
All very interesting--thanks everyone who responded.
I think that while it is important to validate, acknowledge and encourage her in her feelings on the other hand as Conservation says sometimes things are actually problems being brought up. I had confirmation of this from her because she told me that it wasn't my advice or problem solving that she minded, but the way I made her feel put on the spot.
My wife and I actually reached a kind of epiphany about all this. She is taking a sales course (in fact the email was related to that--her mentor was just asking her if she'd finished some of her coursework yet) and was watching a seminar conducted by a woman. I felt irritated listening to it in the background--the woman sounded patronizing and like she was leaving no room for independant thought at all. My wife felt encouraged and helped by the seminar.
So I asked her "Did you enjoy hearing that speaker? Was she helpful to you?" My wife enthused, "Oh, yeah, she was great! I really feel like I can do this!"
So I said, "So...you LIKED getting advice from her in that way?" And she agreed. So I then said, "That sounds to me like you actually like getting advice, but you always hear about how women don't want that, and it's frustrating because sometimes I know you are facing a problem and I want to help you."
(and yeah, it seems almost dumb to talk about this after knowing someone for so many years, but I like to see myself as humble enough to learn new things and change my thinking when what I'm doing isn't working)
She said, "I DO want you to help me--but I feel lost and like you want something from me when you throw concepts at me and expect me to do something with them."
I don't know if any other ladies can identify with that, but I'm starting to form a picture here and understand something that I never did before.
BTW: I think Conservation makes an excellent point. While it is very important to be good to your wife when it comes to validating her right to have feelings there's still life to be dealt with. I haven't noticed that very feminized men are actually more caring and considerate, even though they might be good at sounding like they are.
Also Myanchor and Dorig make good points about talking about feelings. It is very helpful when my wife keeps things simple and deals with things one at a time, even if they all seem interrelated. It's like when my wife and I discuss movies--if she talks about a movie she saw and really enjoyed she pretty much tells me the whole movie, while I might tell her about the three or four things I liked about it.
Thats what the psychologist says....having a constantly tumbling ball of unresolved issues may well be what she WANTS....for some reason.....but its not very practicle at days end is it.
So, as husband, if i need to visit that ball of unresolved feelings time to time, and just affirm it....OK, I can do that, but I aint gonna take any of it for myself, I have enough to stress me out, which is why I personally like to deal and file, deal and file.
Not better, just different....(but not worse either)
A lot of wives complain when their husbands want to "fix" stuff when all they really want them to do is listen. I think it's kinda sweet when my husband wants to fix stuff. But he seems to know when I just need him to listen, too.
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Not to pick on this post, it just was a good illustration of a failure to bring men and women together in communication.
What you say is 100% true....but it doesnt men its 100% the solution. Sadly we are taught that this is the solution...men must learn to communicate like women....end of story. This teaching is building huge resentment in men.
I get it about the empathizing. What I dont agree with is that SOMETIMES it IS ok to "fix". If she is talking about how she FEELS about something, or about a relational issue....absolutely its empathy as the order of the day....but what conventional wisdome fails utterly to teach is conversely ladies, there IS a time for fixing...and fixing is an act of love as much as empathizing...its your husband using the fact of his maleness in service to you....and that is then portrayed as him being an insensitive clod.
Unless and until we celebrate the virutues of both, its gonna go on like it is, frustrating. Teach both ways, value both ways, give appropriate voice to both ways.....but teaching about how men communicate now is done NOT to celebrate it, but to use it as the example of how NOT to do it.
Sometimes the expression, "if you wanted to marry a woman, why didnt you?" IS a valid sarcasm.
Tell me, with the counseling and books and preaching we have now, teaching men how to be better women.....hows it workin out for ya?
Dorig again shines through as the woman who trys to "go both ways"...and thats great.
Conserve...when I try to approach my husband "like a guy" it doesn't work. he says I skimp on details and then goes off on me because he jumps to conclusions and starts off because I didn't tell him the "whole story" the first time. When I try to approach him like a woman, it doesn't work. Seriously, I've given up trying. I've just learned it's probably better to "clam up" or just not share everything. It sucks, but it works.
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So I've been thinking about what the article says, and yes it does explain that we can't force men to think like women. However, it doesn't really explain to women how we are supposed to see things. In that way, it's not very helpful.
Men have emotions, I know that. Well how are women supposed to interpret that? How are women supposed to approach men without feminizing them? That's what gets me about the article. It complains about women, but doesn't offer anything that we can actually do about it.
And yes, we do get mad when guys automatically jump to wanting to "fix" things from the get-go. There are times where I just want to know I have a safe environment to say that I'm angry, or disappointed, etc. That doesn't mean I'll never want a solution. It's just that from the beginning, most women just want someone there to hear them out instead of trying to analyze and provide a solution right away.
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The article actually implies that you arent SUPPOSED to do anything...meaning that the way things are is not a problem. It tongue in cheek says, if you want someone who gets that you want to discuss but not resolve things....talk that way to a woman.
The thing is, in emotional issues....say someone said something that hurt your feelings....there really is no fix is there, so yes, a man CAN listen and empathize.
But if day in and day out she is hurt or angry over a colleague at work....Im sorry, but there IS a time to fish or cut bait. Its in THOSE situations that she suggests if you want to keep back a blob of unresolved issues, dont expect that your husband will share your enthusiasm for that. One time things, or on occasion...sure...but when something keeps coming up over and over.....and this is not uncommon.....finally it DOES need to get fixed, at least for men, because we simply dont LIKE to wallow in stuff, we cant help it, and shouldnt have to help it. I really think its these repetitive things that drive men crazy.
So basically you're saying that you should not expect the person you married for life to be able to listen to you vent about something that happened at work, school, other places, family, etc.? I am not one to wallow repetitively, but at first glance I think most people just need to "get it off their chest". Then afterwards, when things are a little clearer, it makes sense to talk about resolutions.
In all honestly, things were really rough for me and my husband last year and the way the psychologist advised is exactly what happened and I was miserable because in reality, there was noone for me to talk to except him...I was working full-time to support the both of us, under ALOT of stress, getting sick all the time. I can say from experience, that always needing to talk to another woman about things and not being able to rely on your husband for that causes additional stress. What happens if you're not close to anyone? You're screwed?
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[quote=Conservativation;53300541]It tongue in cheek says, if you want someone who gets that you want to discuss but not resolve things....talk that way to a woman. its these little inuendos that you love so much that are blinding you to the facts.
The thing is, in emotional issues....say someone said something that hurt your feelings....there really is no fix is there, so yes, a man CAN listen and empathize. anything that a woman NEEDS to talk about IS an emotional issue, to get her to the "logical" issue, you need to hear what the emotion is to THEN draw up the next logical step, if you ignore her emotion then you are missing the whole point, emotion isnt some waffly feeling, it's the result of a problem, whether real or perceived and has then become a very real feeling.
But if day in and day out she is hurt or angry over a colleague at work....Im sorry, but there IS a time to fish or cut bait. Its in THOSE situations that she suggests if you want to keep back a blob of unresolved issues, dont expect that your husband will share your enthusiasm for that. One time things, or on occasion...sure...but when something keeps coming up over and over.....and this is not uncommon.....the reason it's not uncommmon, is because it's HOW IT IS! she is needing you to hear her and be on the same page as her, SO THAT you can then offer the fix it advice, more often than not a woman knows how to fix something anyway, but the emotion surrounding a problem can be so overwhelming that it stops any further action until it's acknowledged and dealt with. finally it DOES need to get fixed, at least for men, because we simply dont LIKE to wallow in stuff, we cant help it, and shouldnt have to help it. I really think its these repetitive things that drive men crazy.on the other side, it's the repetitive ignoring from a man that drive women crazy. You can't have one without the other, you're better to embrace the facts than try and argue your way out of them.
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