Premarital Sex / Getting our feet back on the ground

Hi there,

Feeling really weird posting here, used to doing Linux support over the net, not trying to find answers to life!

The long story short:

My girlfriend and I have been in a relationship for the last 5 years. We've been sleeping together for the last 3. We're both 22.

We both where Christians when we started going out. I lost the faith some where down the road. She fell about a year after me.

About a month ago she cracked, and said she could go on like this no more. Initially for the first hour I fought tooth and claw, but realized she spoke the truth. My life had become filled with evil: porn, lust, swearing like a trooper, blasphemy ect ect ect, everything except drugs. And honestly, it was a good life! We were happy. We both enjoyed the sex. She couldn't live with the guilt anymore. She never said anything about it till about a month ago.

It's been a while now, a couple of weeks. I am glad to say that I am porn free and that I no longer swear or blasphemy. My girlfrend and I no longer sleep together, and no longer DO anything together(physically). Hence this post.

How do you bring a relationship back in line with Christ after it has fallen so far over the cliff? Can you forget what forbidden fruit tastes like? I mean no disrespect, just understand how I feel, but I will fight God and all the angels if I have to for this women. I cannot loose her and I really do love her. I will do anything to make this work.

We are used to a certain way of life that can no longer be. I have read a lot about lust and the management of desire and I have to say I'm keeping myself in check. It's just that the relationship now feels empty? I actually fear not having physical contact with her again. It freaks me out and I can't find a balance been How far is To far? For the record, I'm a true engineer, everything needs to be rationalized!

Please forgive this way of thinking and tell me if it is wrong: What is a guy entitled to after 5 years? Immediately I know the answer is: Nothing. that the relationship should be fine without any sex in any form what so ever. And that thought drives me nuts! It will be fine, and I love her, but there is this irrational craving that jumps out and drives me insane!

Please, any advice, prayer or experience that you can share will be appreciated. She led me back on the path. I'm not about to lose her because I came back on the path. The irony in that thought breaks me.

Thanks for reading this,

Rudolf

Sex is an important part of a relationship, man... If you're not having sex you're throwing out a sizeable chunk of the relationship

__________________
Your PM box is 90% full.

Sex is a Pandora's Box in that once you do it, it's hard to stop.

Your best bet is to do what needs to be done to prevent it from happening, whether it's holding each other accountable, having others hold you accountable, and so on.

Part of the difficult thing is that, as far as your bodies were concerned, you were, like, married. Do you have plans to get married? Do you want to get married? Could you get married soon? And do/did you live together? I mean, the answer to this question has a great bearing on how you'll be able to manage this. I mean, if you think you'll get married in a few months, it'll be easier than if you think you cannot possibly get married in the next three years (which I think would be hard, if not crazy, even if you hadn't been having sex before) or are not even thinking about marriage (in which case the relationship cannot possibly be "in line with Christ").

__________________
God wills that we endlessly hate the sin and endlessly love the soul, as God loves it.
Julian of Norwich

Join the battle against cosmic evil!

I apologize GREATLY for not replying sooner, I check back within a day and dind't see any replies. The email notification doesn't seem to work, and between studies and exams I didn't come back till.

Both of us find the idea of marriage while we're studying difficult. Added to that I want her to settle down, and build a carreer base for a year or two before marraige and children. But yes, in short, we both planned on getting married as soon as we both have degrees and can support each other. I'm studying biomedical Electrical engineering. It's basically 2 years of medicine and 3 years of engineering IN 3 YEARS. I'm in my final year, and this course has put IMENCE pressure on the relationship.

If all goes plan, I plan on marrying in 2 - 3 years.

Honestly, I was an "alternative" christian, so as long as I planned on marrying her, sex was fine? Jesus loves and forgives right? Big practical joke that one. I only now realize what all the warnings about sex was. For some reason, the physical act has deep psychological and spiritual effects. I think in real life you don't SEE the evil fly out of the box. It just knocks you over the head a week or two later and then you learn your lesson. I'm just hoping and praying that the price of this lesson isn't two broken hearts.

@Allegory: So i have noticed! trying to find something to fill that with now. Think we both need to take up weekly triathlons.

@NiobiumTragedy and GZT: Like i said, we did plan on marrying. We've been through 3 years of her studying at another university 100 miles away. We've done long distance. We've now been at the same varsity for a year. In exactly 20 days we'll have been together for 5 years. We've been faithful on all levels to each other for all 5 years.

We will keep each other accountable. There's this really nasty quote: All roads lead to Rome, therefor stay off all roads.

Don't think that'll be too practical? But we will have to try our best.

I'm just glad every one seems to acknowledge the problem and a possible solution instead of complete damnation of the relationship.

Question: We've been thinking of moving in together. After this having this "little tiff" I don't think she'll want that, but she might consider it again after all the exam presure is off. I think I know the answer, but I'll ask anyway, Should we move in together and live together and NOT have sex, but hopefully stay together until the wedding or should I stay with my parents and act my age and popper role in this relationship?

Thanks for your time people! I really do appreciate it!

Rudolf

EDIT: I realize that some people might find the part "Jesus loves and forgives, right?", offending. I don't mean it in a bad way, it's just that it's not the whole truth and that even though God does forgive, that doesn't mean that he takes responsibility for your actions. Every action has a reaction, and that's how humans mostly learn.

Honestly I think that if you've already slipped up, you're more prone to do so again, so moving in with each other is a VERY bad idea.

Is there any reason why you absolutely cannot in ANY way get married right away? By this I mean, will you be homeless if you got married right now?

My fiance and I would be, which is the only reason we're holding back.

__________________

Exactly. My parents won't fancy having a married couple living in their house. Her dad has passed away and her mom is just staying afloat financially. We both need to work before we get married.

I thought moving in together a bad idea too.

I have thought about getting engaged? But I don't think a women can wait 2 years between engagement and marriage? Not that we can sleep together during the engagement, just that the promise of marriage and solid commitment to marriage might keep us together? I might be grasping at smoke and mirrors here....

I think we'll play it by ear. As long as we're both committed to each other, and brutally honest, things should work out. We got off the bad road as part of our new commitment to Christ. If we follow through we should be okay at the end. I'll keep it together by brute force of will alone if I have to.

I think this might just be the acid test we need before deciding on marriage. I believed and still do, that I love and want to marry this women. I'll have to see how this works out with her in the coming weeks.

Thanks for your time guys. Any further words of wisdom will be appreciated, but I think I have a clearer idea of what lies ahead. It's clear from your concerned messages that this thing will probably blow up in our faces some time, but hopefully I'll be ready for it. She's got a lot on her plate atm, so I will have to be ready for it.

Thanks again people. If this thing does work out how I hope, I'll get back to you guys and let you know in due course!

Rudolf

Originally Posted by Rudolfmdlt

Exactly. My parents won't fancy having a married couple living in their house. Her dad has passed away and her mom is just staying afloat financially. We both need to work before we get married.

I thought moving in together a bad idea too.

I have thought about getting engaged? But I don't think a women can wait 2 years between engagement and marriage? Not that we can sleep together during the engagement, just that the promise of marriage and solid commitment to marriage might keep us together? I might be grasping at smoke and mirrors here....

I think we'll play it by ear. As long as we're both committed to each other, and brutally honest, things should work out. We got off the bad road as part of our new commitment to Christ. If we follow through we should be okay at the end. I'll keep it together by brute force of will alone if I have to.

I think this might just be the acid test we need before deciding on marriage. I believed and still do, that I love and want to marry this women. I'll have to see how this works out with her in the coming weeks.

Thanks for your time guys. Any further words of wisdom will be appreciated, but I think I have a clearer idea of what lies ahead. It's clear from your concerned messages that this thing will probably blow up in our faces some time, but hopefully I'll be ready for it. She's got a lot on her plate atm, so I will have to be ready for it.

Thanks again people. If this thing does work out how I hope, I'll get back to you guys and let you know in due course!

Rudolf

Consider me your proof that women can wait 2 years (or longer) to get married.

I've been engaged for 5 years.

In my case, he got severely ill and almost died, and is having a hard time convincing employers that he's recovered and will be able to work.

I too am unemployed.

I honestly believe that if she loves you enough, she would accept a proposal and wait as long as necessary.

My man proposed without a ring, and I told him I didn't necessarily need one, but he got one for me anyway, although I told him that I didn't need a diamond. I knew his heart, and also his bank account.


If she doesn't accept right away, don't be dejected. Just figure it wasn't time yet and try again later.

__________________

, 5 years?... wow... I'm glad for you guys! He's lucky to have you. That's really cool. I'll give it some thought. thanks. And sorry to year about your guy's problems. Hope things work out for the best!

Well, if your hand is what causes you trouble, lop it off. Better to enter the kingdom of god with one hand than to be thrown whole into gehenna.