Hey, no hiding the counseling thing from your husband. Just tell him you have some issues you need to deal with and that you want him and you to go to the counselor for a tune up too later on. I would worry and wonder but if my wife told me she was doing it I would accept it. I would look for reassurance that we were basically okay. And I would probe a bit after every session to see if she was okay and we were.
I would be mad as a hornet at my wife and furious at this jerk who is trying to woo my wife. I would feel empathy for the other wife. I would try to remain friends with her, and maybe with the guy. And if my wife warned this illegitimate one, I would feel even more betrayed in my trust with her. Love is a need and I would do my best to let go, let God make me forgive her and Love her, but I sure would be mad for a while at her, and the trust would be busted. I can guarantee I would have some really mean words for her and worse for this son of a gun. She would have to earn trust back. But I comitted to her, so we would get through it, so long as she comitted herself completely to the process of reconciliation and restitution.
See what Newlife.com has to say about reconciliation and restitution.
The admission was recent, the actions where I told her I get the kids was about 16 0r 17 years ago. And I tell my wife and friends and children I have an attic for a mind. Lots of facts, and I make connections that most folks don't see so readily, but go oh wow that's true or they look at me really funny. I used to work in Radar Warning Systems a decade or more ago and figured out some things that I was told don't pursue because you don't have the clearance for that. I just remember that conversation, not the details, I sort of compartmentalized my thinking. I would come home and my wife would say what did you do today. I would say I don't remember, and I didn't. I remembered it the next day when I was there working on it though. Meh.
__________________ Gone, as I choose.
Last edited by myanchor; 13th October 2009 at 11:40 AM.
Reason: additional information
This thing about telling the spouse is important. I have been round and round about this on a diff site.
In this case, i advocate telling, because there is a real and present danger. If however, 5 years ago you had a fling at a weekend conference with some guy, as horrible as that is.....now, 5 years on, and assuming nothing else ever has even come close to happening with anyone, i'd say the opposite, dont tell.
Iv ebeen accused of advocating lying when I say this. Ridiculous, its not lying unless the spouse says specifically "have you had an affair, a fling, whatever?" then you MUST be truthful. But people should confess to SOMEONE, just in ancient history I say why harm your spouse to make yourself feel better. and NO, I do not have an unconfessed secret Im rationalizing.
BUT in your case, you either leave the area, or confess it....or I assure you, it'll get worse.
I agree with everyone who is telling you to confess the crush that you have for this other person to your husband. First, because the secrecy alone is encouraging you not to be accountable to anyone about it. Therefore, the desire to stay in it will only become more and more intense unless your husband knows.
I was in a similar situation for one week when I formed a crush on another church member (and vice versa). But the Holy Spirit advised me to do the one thing that the Bible stresses during such situations - and that is to FLEE. FLEE youthful lusts, FLEE fornication, etc. God understands that this type of temptation can very quickly get out of control, hence such a wise command he gave. You have probably stayed in longer than advisable and that's why it has gotten harder for you to get out. But there is still a way out of this with God's help. Tell your husband immediately (let God handle the consequences). It will hurt him, but you will greatly curtail future temptation at this crucial point in your emotional relationship with this other guy by doing so. Then figure out ways to flee - and pray for God to give you the strength to do it. Don't put yourself in places where you could easily meet up with him; don't phone, text or email him. And don't feel guilty about cutting the relationship off. You need time to catch yourself and for your heart and head to cool down from all the heat the emotional attachment has grown into. You also need time to hear God's voice clearly aside from the emotional cloud of it all. So as you flee the situation, draw close to God in prayer and Bible reading (particularly on scriptures related to marital unfaithfulness).
I certainly am not pointing fingers at you, because except for the grace of God I too could have reached the point you now struggle at.
Instead, my prayers go up for you as you strive to win the victory and that your marriage with your husband will be strengthened in the end.
__________________ Don't just pretend that you love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Stand on the side of good. Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring one another- Romans 12: 9-10
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I'll be praying for you koffe! You can overcome this with Christ's strength! You must kill the desires of this relationship by totally not feeding it. I was glad to hear that you did not fall to the smooth words said to you recently. That is a step in the right direction. If the other fellow is still persistent and not taking your hints to wanting to end it, you might just have to be outright with him about it.
As I mentioned in a previous post, I went through the same thing, but curtailed it early by fleeing the situation (not contacting the person, etc.). Then he left the country, but just two weeks ago returned for a visit for a special program. I knew when I heard he was coming that I would have to up the ante. So I made a special effort right from the start to avoid an subtle flirtations like the plague. I also made sure that my husband was with me whenever I had to be around the other person during the program. And I made sure to show my affection and loyalty to my husband only in many ways, so that there would absolutely be no misunderstanding of any sort. By the end of the week, the other person was clear about where I stood and seemed to display a revival in his commitment to his own wife. The best thing that came out of this was that, by God's grace, I was able to be used as a witness to the other guy to the point where he was inspired to be even more grateful for the wife God gave him.
So I encourage you to continue to strive to not let your emotions get in the way of your relationship with God and your witness to this other fellow that you want the dictates of Christ to rule first and foremost in your life.
Praying that you will see this guy with God's eyes. And that you will see your marriage with God's eyes as well. And that your spouses will see all and protect you all and love you still.
I hope that when you do, you will lose all interest in this man and your heart will be turned completely toward your husband.
__________________ My legs get to spazzing out every night when I lay down, sudden shooting pains, itches, and uncontrollable twitches. They drive me and my wife nuts and she will trap my legs. When she lets go, they start up again. Such fun for about 45 minutes. To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
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