No Respect from Wife

Macx · #31 29th September 2009, 03:36 PM

Originally Posted by taku60

So long as that authrotiy is consistant with the bible, and dismissing OT scripture is a bad way to start to try to convince me that what you are saying is correct.

The military is a joke, but thats just my opinion. Its not that I have a problem with authority in general I only have a problem with them when they are abusing power and screwing up my day to day life and fortunatly I am smart enough to work my way around it.

While almost every mainline church and most plinter churches don't dismiss the OT, your personal doctrine does.

The military is a joke? Seriously? Did you just say that? Didn't you say you washed out? I forget which of your posts it was. Why didn't the military work out for you?

taku60 · #32 29th September 2009, 05:02 PM

Originally Posted by Macx

While almost every mainline church and most plinter churches don't dismiss the OT, your personal doctrine does.

I have used OT scripture to back up my points that you have flagrantly dismissed and then pretended that you did not read them in another post, this post is not different from the rest in that it presents no new information or even useful information.

The military is a joke? Seriously? Did you just say that? Didn't you say you washed out? I forget which of your posts it was. Why didn't the military work out for you?

I did not wash out I opted out, but its more melo dramatic to say I washed out isent it

and your behavior in that statement is consistant pew warmers as well, make something as melodramatic as possible so you can attempt to discredit their credibility.

abundant_joy · #33 29th September 2009, 08:30 PM

Originally Posted by taku60

I did not wash out I opted out, but its more melo dramatic to say I washed out isent it and your behavior in that statement is consistant pew warmers as well, make something as melodramatic as possible so you can attempt to discredit their credibility.

Taku, you give Macx far too much credit in regards to your credibility. You do just fine discrediting yourself without any help from him

Now, can we /unhijack this thread?

annrobert · #34 29th September 2009, 10:48 PM

Originally Posted by RPDPhil

Hi, I am new to these forums, but I felt as though I needed the advice of some Christians. I am 21 years old and my wife 22. We have been married for 3 years now and have a 2 year old baby girl. Throughout the marriage, I have had trouble dealing with my wife's lies, deceptiveness, and general lack of respect.

It all started in our first year of marriage, and everything seems to be related to our finances. When we first got married, I found out that she was nearly 5,000 in debt to banks/credit cards etc. I was young and newly married and so I overlooked this. I picked up a job, put off school, and worked 70+ hour weeks to get her debt paid off. After about 9 months, we did it.

Unfortunately, the only lesson my wife learned from that is that I will always be there to bail her out. Since then she has a number of large purchases on a "rent-to-own" basis without consulting me first. She has signed up for credit cards and loans in my name over the internet. She "needs" things from the store that often cost us hundreds of dollars a month. I have not purchased an article of clothing for myself in over a year. I have caught her straight up lying to me when she took out a loan from her dad, and recently have found parking tickets of hers that are months old and have never been paid as well as letters from collections agencies looking for money that I had no idea we even owed. Needless to say, we have racked up huge costs in late fees and other charges when my wife takes out loans and never repays them.

Our credit is now in shambles, and, coming from a fairly well off family, this is extremely painful for me to bear. We both work full-time, and so we have a pretty decent income for our ages. My wife insists that she is working on it, but I have seen little improvement over the years. I have done everything imaginable to try to make her change short of hitting her. I have been angry, sad, forgiving, vengeful, and everything in between, yet I cannot make her understand what she has done to our family and what she continues to do. My friends and family say I need to take away the money from her, but that is impossible, since she will just find a way around that whether through signing up for her own credit card or changing her direct deposits into her own account.

How can a Christian deal with a wife that shows no respect?? Divorce is out of the question; I would never put my daughter through that, and I would hate to see a marriage dissolve over something I see as entirely controllable. I have no Christian father figures in my life who I can talk to about this. Has anybody else had any situations like this, or any advice for me?

Wow, not a good situation, this must stop.
Get a different bank account immediately with only your name.
Get your name off any joint accounts.
Ttell her parents and relatives you will not be paying any loans they give her.
Sell anything she bought that was not agreed on together other than usual reasonable things.This way she doed not benefit from the deceit and lies.
Go to all stores and let them know you will not be responsible for her debts with any legal notarized papers needed.
Advertise in the paper that you will not be responsible for any debts she incurs.
Put the situation in the credit bereau as well .
Take all rent to own stuff back.
Have her begin putting her income towards paying off all debts.
Do not tolerate this anymore.
This could harm you and your marriage much worse in the future, if it is not stopped.
If she could get counselling for this problem it may help.
She seems to have a problem here that she is losing control of and she needs help.
It may not be she is purposely disrepecting you as much as she has an addcition of some sort.
As long as she gets away with this she will.
The conseqences have to be clear and any and all ways to continue it must by somes means end, because she does not seem able to stop.
She needs help to stop , but not anger or vengence.
Just tender firm steps to end this behaviour, and they must be firm.
Just not condemning or cruel.
Just staight forward, I love you and care for you but this behaviour will not continue.
It is not good for you the children or me,
neither is it good for our marriage or pleasing to God.
So no more.
Show much love and continue to show her respect , just be clear that is will not go on.
Do not let tears or begging wear you down either and if she throws a tantrum leave the house for awhile maybe.
But always show love and kindness and gentleness and firmness.
I hope you get this all worked out and soon.
She will respect you more afterwards when she sees you put a stop to it and still treated her with kindness and love.
blessings

annrobert · #35 29th September 2009, 11:09 PM

Originally Posted by Macx

No. You married her, it isn't all about you anymore. Life is about her best interest. As a husband it is your duty to look out for her. It is obvious that she can't look out for herself financially . . . cutting her loose at this juncture would be like leaving injured on the battlefield . . . cowardice. You are better than that & the invertebrates that would have you take the easy road. You made vows, I'm willing to bet "in sickness and health" was in there . .. the spend-fling wife has an illness. Will you honor your vows or pursue the route of cowards?

thanks for that great input.

I still think she needs help to stop though.

Jilly123 · #36 3rd October 2009, 03:30 PM

Originally Posted by Macx

No. You married her, it isn't all about you anymore. Life is about her best interest. As a husband it is your duty to look out for her. It is obvious that she can't look out for herself financially . . . cutting her loose at this juncture would be like leaving injured on the battlefield . . . cowardice. You are better than that & the invertebrates that would have you take the easy road. You made vows, I'm willing to bet "in sickness and health" was in there . .. the spend-fling wife has an illness. Will you honor your vows or pursue the route of cowards?

While I do agree that he is in this for better or worse, it's not in her best interests to keep bailing her out. That is just enabling the unhealthy behavior. I think Easyk and AnnRobert had some good advice.

I think spending money is obviously just a symptom of deeper issues, but I think you need to somehow put an end to the spending before you can deal with the root of the problem.

I'm not sure if there is something similar in the USA but where I live you can have a legal agreement drawn up that absolves the spouse of any responsibility in future debt that their partner runs up so that companies legally wouldn't be able to come after the hubby for debts the wife is responsible for.

dorig59 · #37 3rd October 2009, 04:57 PM

I agree with what Macx says about not abandoning her and sticking with the marriage vows, I really do. But at what point do you continue to allow a person to destroy your life? Someone else said to be firm with her and tell her you're not going to tolerate this spending behavior anymore. What if she doesn't care what he says? What if she agrees to it, but behind his back continues to spend frivolously? It was also suggested that he talk to her parents and instruct them not to lend their daughter any more money. What if they ignore that advice because she's their daughter? What if he closes all the credit card accounts and cuts the cards up and she still gets more of them over the internet? It's very easy to do, unfortunately. This kind of behavior, if it were to continue, could realistically destroy their lives, and that's not even talking about getting to the root cause of what the problem is beneath it all and her basic lack of respect for him and untruthfulness, too. This kind of financial problem can be very scary and have rippling effects that the OP doesn't even realize right now.

I think that he should do all the things macx said, as well as some of the other people, but I think he needs to keep a very close eye on her and see what happens.

RoyWM · #38 16th October 2009, 06:31 PM

Originally Posted by RPDPhil

Hi, I am new to these forums, but I felt as though I needed the advice of some Christians. I am 21 years old and my wife 22. We have been married for 3 years now and have a 2 year old baby girl. Throughout the marriage, I have had trouble dealing with my wife's lies, deceptiveness, and general lack of respect.

It all started in our first year of marriage, and everything seems to be related to our finances. When we first got married, I found out that she was nearly 5,000 in debt to banks/credit cards etc. I was young and newly married and so I overlooked this. I picked up a job, put off school, and worked 70+ hour weeks to get her debt paid off. After about 9 months, we did it.

Unfortunately, the only lesson my wife learned from that is that I will always be there to bail her out. Since then she has a number of large purchases on a "rent-to-own" basis without consulting me first. She has signed up for credit cards and loans in my name over the internet. She "needs" things from the store that often cost us hundreds of dollars a month. I have not purchased an article of clothing for myself in over a year. I have caught her straight up lying to me when she took out a loan from her dad, and recently have found parking tickets of hers that are months old and have never been paid as well as letters from collections agencies looking for money that I had no idea we even owed. Needless to say, we have racked up huge costs in late fees and other charges when my wife takes out loans and never repays them.

Our credit is now in shambles, and, coming from a fairly well off family, this is extremely painful for me to bear. We both work full-time, and so we have a pretty decent income for our ages. My wife insists that she is working on it, but I have seen little improvement over the years. I have done everything imaginable to try to make her change short of hitting her. I have been angry, sad, forgiving, vengeful, and everything in between, yet I cannot make her understand what she has done to our family and what she continues to do. My friends and family say I need to take away the money from her, but that is impossible, since she will just find a way around that whether through signing up for her own credit card or changing her direct deposits into her own account.

How can a Christian deal with a wife that shows no respect?? Divorce is out of the question; I would never put my daughter through that, and I would hate to see a marriage dissolve over something I see as entirely controllable. I have no Christian father figures in my life who I can talk to about this. Has anybody else had any situations like this, or any advice for me?

Wow, that is hard! I am sorry for what you are going through.

Perhaps I can identify partially with what is happening to you. My wife did the same thing which I found out about five years after we were married. I was furious because she had lied and hidden all this from me. I told her I wanted all her credit cards which I took and shredded.

Then I went to each of the credit card companies and arraigned payoff which took about three years because it was a very large amount. I also went to the newspapers and posted an add in the Legals that I was not legally responsible for her debts for the date forward of the posting. This was recommended by the lawyer I contacted. I made copies of the add which I sent to each of the credit card companies.

From then I checked the mail regularly to make sure I was able to get any credit card mailing sent to her. She was angry that I was taking her mail, but since I had the job and she didn't I said that is the way it was going to be. I told her that If she didn't like the new arrangements she could leave. It was tough love as tough as it gets.

Several years later she did the same thing again with the credit card debts and this time I almost left her, but I decided to give her another chance. There are problems to this day with trust but after 30 years of marriage we are still together and still in love.

presto · #39 17th October 2009, 06:09 PM

I would never have allowed cards to be taken out in my name in the first place that was your first mistake, you should have 100% control of what is going on with YOUR paycheck and YOUR credit. They dont write the paycheck to you and your wife they write it to you your credit score is not in yours and hers name its in your name. If she is going to fall let her do so in her own name. I am extremely anal about my finances, my wife and I have separate accounts and just split the household bills that way if I have 10K saved there is no temptation for that to go towards something other than what I was saving it for. When there are large sums of money and credit priorities always seem to magicly get readjusted if accounts are joint, pretty soon you are getting a new couch instead of a new pick up you were saving for and thats how resentment starts, if she wants a couch you can agree to split it or she can save for it. I have not read all the other posts but depending on the ballances you could be hosed for 5-10 years to come long after the divorce is final.

EmmyGV · #40 23rd October 2009, 11:53 AM

Originally Posted by annrobert

Wow, not a good situation, this must stop.
Get a different bank account immediately with only your name.
Get your name off any joint accounts.
Ttell her parents and relatives you will not be paying any loans they give her.
Sell anything she bought that was not agreed on together other than usual reasonable things.This way she doed not benefit from the deceit and lies.
Go to all stores and let them know you will not be responsible for her debts with any legal notarized papers needed.
Advertise in the paper that you will not be responsible for any debts she incurs.
Put the situation in the credit bereau as well .
Take all rent to own stuff back.
Have her begin putting her income towards paying off all debts.
Do not tolerate this anymore.
This could harm you and your marriage much worse in the future, if it is not stopped.
If she could get counselling for this problem it may help.
She seems to have a problem here that she is losing control of and she needs help.
It may not be she is purposely disrepecting you as much as she has an addcition of some sort.
As long as she gets away with this she will.
The conseqences have to be clear and any and all ways to continue it must by somes means end, because she does not seem able to stop.
She needs help to stop , but not anger or vengence.
Just tender firm steps to end this behaviour, and they must be firm.
Just not condemning or cruel.
Just staight forward, I love you and care for you but this behaviour will not continue.
It is not good for you the children or me,
neither is it good for our marriage or pleasing to God.
So no more.
Show much love and continue to show her respect , just be clear that is will not go on.
Do not let tears or begging wear you down either and if she throws a tantrum leave the house for awhile maybe.
But always show love and kindness and gentleness and firmness.
I hope you get this all worked out and soon.
She will respect you more afterwards when she sees you put a stop to it and still treated her with kindness and love.
blessings

Well done, I could have written this. I agree that you have to be very firm with her, step up for your family and do whatever you need to do to make sure this behaviour ends. Do not allow it to continue.