I'm Sarah, from Perth, Australia. Back in 2006 I spent a lot of time on here, mostly debating morals and ethics. I was on here as an Agnostic, still searching for God.
I was only on here from time to time, for a long while after that, as my life started to take a nasty turn. It's sad that I'm back under these circumstances now, and I feel a little humiliated because there may still be people here who remember me debating from before.
In May of last year, I became involved in the sex industry. It was a matter of financial desperation, and primarily, my own emotional issues. I went to hospital twice for attempted suicide. I spent five months "working" with two other girls, until November when everything came crashing down. I was only eighteen, and I feel fortunate to have gotten out of it so quickly.
Now I'm nineteen, nearly twenty, and I have a normal job, at a supermarket. I don't drink at all, self-harm, or associate with undesirable people. I have two close friends, and a wonderful partner who knows about my past.
I also now identify as a Christian, and am hoping to be Baptized soon. I still need to figure out when, who and where, but I'm going to do it. I need to give myself over to the Lord, to feel right again. I was saved last year. I finally got what I was looking for, and felt God in my life.
I kind of hope that FloatingAxe is still around here, because I really want to express my gratitude to her. We argued viciously on here for a long time, and though I still don't agree with some of her beliefs, she was the person who sparked my interest and made me want to learn more about Jesus. She sent me a message once that made me cry, about how I could believe because I had that openness. I believe now with all my heart, and have finally found that joy in serving the Lord. I know I'll never feel lonely again. So if you're out there FA, thank you from the bottom of my heart, and God bless you!
I guess I'm back here now because only three people in my life know about last year, and I'm feeling the pressure of secrecy with my family. I want to tell my mother, but I'm so very afraid. I'm still feeling a huge amount of guilt over what I did, and I know that unless I work through that I won't be able to really live life freely. I still feel strange working in a "normal" job, and being around "normal" people. It seems to be placing a real strain on my relationship as well, because after that, my attitude towards physical intimacy isn't a good one. So I guess I just need some support, and some guidance. I would also like to connect with some other people who have been in the industry, so maybe we can help eachother.
Thanks for listening, everyone.
God bless!
__________________ 'Since God listens to the heart, rather than the lips he probably forgave her.' The Well of Loneliness
'Since it existed it had to be part of nature. How could anything that exists NOT be part of nature?' The Well of Loneliness
Nice to have you back at CF! I never spent much time at the debate forums myself. Never felt comfortable there. I don't like arguing. But I do like winning! I hope you find Floating Axe though- I'm sure she'd be overjoyed to hear about your decision to follow Christ. There's nothing like knowing that you played a part, no matter how small, in a life changing decision like that.
This SOSI forum is just over 4 years old and I spend most of my CF time here and occassionally at OBOB.
My name is Paula and I was a stripper from 86 to 2003. Yeah, long time, I know. I started at 18 as well. I also did some men's magazines and escorted a few times.
I was a practising pagan witch for the last decade of my career and got out of dancing only when I met someone who told me about the love of Christ for basically the first time in my life. I was pretty hard core anti-Christian before that. But all it took was for me to open my heart that little sliver and Christ walked right in with the truth I had been seeking all my life so I gave it all up for Him. Best decision of my life.
I ended up marrying the guy who told me about Christ (and have a 3 year old daughter!) and entered the Catholic Church this Easter. Second best decision of my life.
I'm sorry that you are having such a hard time right now Sarah. I know how hard it is to deal with the secrecy and family. How is your relationship with your mother? What is she like? How long have you been walking with Christ? Is she Christian too? Do you attend a church? So for so many probing questions, it just helps us to help you the better we know you.
I've been out of the business for nearly 7 years now and I still feel like the "odd" person just about everywhere I go. There's always this crazy part of your life that you're not sure if you want to disclose and yet you feel if you don't disclose it, they won't know fully who you are or that you're not beign fully honest with them.
You just have to take your time, pray, and weigh the decision of whether a person needs to know this stuff about you and if you feel safe telling them.
To tell you the truth Sarah, I have yet to encounter one single person who has judged me adversely about my past. I know there are still a lot of idiots walking around in the Christian world but the people I've known so far have not only been very forgiving but supportive and completely non-judgemental. I don't know if this is the norm but I know it's been a blessing for me.
As far as physical intimacy being a problem, that's pretty much par for the course after you've been in the sex industry and it takes time to work it out. Counselling with someone who has experience dealing with women from this walk of life. There is a woman in Australia who has a ministry for women getting out of the business. I can't remember where she is located but her name is Bronwen and in the stickied threads under 'resources' her ministry is listed under "Australia". Her's is the only one that I know of but there may be more now. I'd suggest calling her and seeing if she can give you any helpful references. She's an ex-sex industry worker so she will not be judgemental with you.
Because you're identifying as a Christian now, I'm going to make a suggestion to you that may sound extreme but I think will be very helpful for you. I suggest an extended time of celibacy and time to be with the Lord and discover who He is are who you are with Him. I know it sounds kind of radical but it can be very freeing for you.
Any romantic relationships forged at the beginning of your walk can be very distracting and I guarantee you, (because I did it and I know SO many others who did) there will be times when you compromise yourself for (relative) harmony that can damage you in the long run.
Dear Sarah, being in the sex industry does such damage to your body and soul, your mind and your emotions. God is only beginning His healing on you. But it will happen. You are young and time is on your side. You also sound very practical and intelligent. Do you have any plans and dreams for your future? A plan is a great thing to have when you are starting over.
I'm so glad you made your way over here and I'm glad you had the courage to introduce yourself. We have some amazing women here. Some are still in the industry and some out in varying stages. We all learn a lot from each other and we're glad to welcome you into the fold!
__________________ I am just a Voice of One who's greater than this....
But I am still a sacred voice I will not be dismissed.
Your story is so inspiring! It's amazing that you managed to get out of it after so long! You are certainly a very strong person (((hug)))
I generally have a good relationship with my mother. We've battled it out very violently over the years, but over the past year, we've been very close. I've held a certain degree of belief in God for a few years now, but didn't actually feel that I had a personal relationship with Christ until last November. I feel like he actually spoke to me. This Easter just gone, I watched Jesus Christ Superstar for the first time (I know, lol), and felt this real desire to learn more about Him. I've made it my business to read the Bible and to read some other interpretations of the Gospel. The more I learn, the closer I feel to Him!
My mother is not a practising Christian. I'm sure she believes in a higher power, but I don't think she holds the same beliefs as me. She's been a bit taken aback and shocked this year. She doesn't understand why I'm reading all these religious books, or why I need to dance around and sing along to the Jesus Christ Superstar soundtrack every morning When I told her that I'm planning on getting Baptized, she was shocked. She doesn't object to any of this, though. She is a very tolerant and respectful woman.
I've spent some time attending different churches this year, trying to find a community that I feel a connection with. It's been a bit difficult, because I believe some different things from the other Christians I've met so far, and it seems that there is some antagonism there. I had to stop attending one church after everyone stopped talking to me because I support gay marriage. They didn't have to agree with me, but I felt the hostility was unnecessary. I am planning on attending my local church this week, though. I didn't even know there was one in my suburb! A lot of the people who come in to do there shopping where I work attend, and they seem very nice, so I'll give it a go.
Your idea about celibacy is something I've been considering myself. I don't think I have ever had a healthy attitude towards sex, anyway. I had some nasty sexual experiences throughout my teenage years, that have contributed to that. I did some therapy last year, and the woman said that it wasn't unusual for girls in the industry to have a history with abuse. I think I would like to try your idea, but I'm a bit worried about my partner we've been together for quite some time now, we dated on and off in high school, and I don't know how I'd put that idea to him. I suppose that if he really loves me, he should be able to commit to that in order to help me heal, but I'm a little afraid that he won't!
I'm really not sure what I want to do for the future. I've always dreamt of being a writer, and I'm going to keep writing no matter what. There are a million other things that I want to do aside from that. I would like to do something to help people. I wouldn't mind working with survivors of the sex industry, myself. Or with children. Or with animal rights(I'm a vegetarian)
I just really want to do as many things as possible that will have a positive influence. I'm taking baby steps at the moment...just trying to make some positive changes in my life that will benefit others.
Thank you so much for the warm welcome!
I'm so grateful that I found this site all that time ago, because I might not have known where to turn now, otherwise
__________________ 'Since God listens to the heart, rather than the lips he probably forgave her.' The Well of Loneliness
'Since it existed it had to be part of nature. How could anything that exists NOT be part of nature?' The Well of Loneliness
Welcome, Sarah
I'm glad you came back, and thank you so much for sharing your testimony. It was very brave. I am sure you will find a lot of support here from people who know what you are going through. You are in my prayers, sweetie.
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Just an update: I talked to my partner about your idea, Paula.
It actually went quite well...after he got over the "OH NO!" aspect of it After we talked about it a little, he actually made a few tentative, but positive suggestions. Like, we'd have to put some plans in place on how to avoid falling into temptation, so to speak.
We had a pretty serious talk after that, because I think he was still quite confused about why I wanted this. I ended up getting a little angry. I told him that I had had my sexual innocence, purity, and sense of sacredness taken from me, even by my own hand, and I WANT THAT BACK.
He understood better after that, or maybe he was just feeling guilty for my getting upset, I don't know. I want him to understand that this is for my benefit, and since he is an integral part of my life, it is for his benefit. I asked him if he would like to have things fixed in that area, because it bothers him a lot...or if he would like to continue on, knowing how dreadful I feel. I seriously cry sometimes afterward, and he gets very distressed. I am a little disappointed that his fear of sexual deprivation is overriding his concern for me!
I don't know. I want to explore this idea further with him, and keep the communication happening. Ultimately though, if I decide that I want to do this, I WILL do it. If he won't give me his support on this, then I suppose I don't need someone like that in my life. I'll cross that bridge when and IF I get to it though.
*Sigh* I'm confused. All in all, it did go quite well.
__________________ 'Since God listens to the heart, rather than the lips he probably forgave her.' The Well of Loneliness
'Since it existed it had to be part of nature. How could anything that exists NOT be part of nature?' The Well of Loneliness
On the upside, I get to play badminton tomorrow ( hopefully without busting my knee this time ), and I have one of my Catholic friends coming to stay the night. She's one of my two extremely close friends and I'm so grateful to have her.
Sorry to ramble on, but there's nobody home tonight, and I'm bored and lonely
__________________ 'Since God listens to the heart, rather than the lips he probably forgave her.' The Well of Loneliness
'Since it existed it had to be part of nature. How could anything that exists NOT be part of nature?' The Well of Loneliness
Holy mackeral Sarah, that took a lot of guts! Good for you!
Bottom line: it's going to be VERY difficult for a man who has already been sexual with you to stop going there unless he also understands why you are doing this and why it is necessary. Basically I mean if he's not a follower of Christ, he probably won't 'get it'. Once you've been sexual with someone, you accelerate the intimacy of the relationship, yet there's no real commitment there so the spirit and the body are in conflict. and if you've had sexual problems in the past, these things need to be resolved before God gives you your partner for life.
Oh Sarah, crying after sex? That's so terribly sad honey, I'm so sorry. Your bf is young and unfortunately, even if he's a good guy, hormonally driven. You are right. If he doesn't honour your sexuality, AND HIS OWN TOO BY THE WAY, it shows where his priorities lie.
This is a very difficult road Sarah. You'll need some help. I just read a book that really helped me to understand God's great plan for our sexuality. It is JP II's Theology of the Body. I actually read the book "Theology of the Body for Beginners" by Christopher West. A very good capsulized version of the work.
Just to share, I met my husband at a club and we had sex the night we met. funny thing is, he just wanted the night to go on with me and spend time with me, not necessarily have sex. I was still so sex driven at the time though that I couldn't conceive of such a thing so I jumped him. Right from the get-go we had an opportunity to have a 'pure' relationship but at the time, I was almost incapable of processing a thought like that.
We parted for 3 months while we called and wrote letters. He told me during that time that really, he should wait until we were married to have sex with me. THAT VERY THOUGHT BOGGLED MY MIND but wow, was it ever attractive. That someone would care that much to honour me and wait until God had blessed our union. Now the thing was, he was a believer in Christ but had really fallen back into sin. Hard core drugs, drinking and driving, sex with whoever...
when I came out to be with him and met Christ the very same week, wow, did things get messed up. He quit drinking right before I got there and quit drugs soon afterwards but I moved in with him right away and of course we were having sex right away but here I knew in my heart that it wasn't what was right.
After a few months I told him that we should be apart and we moved to separate dwellings for a while, which helped. But I'll tell ya Sarah, he was a REAL Ahole sometimes when it came to sex. SO selfish, not considering the purity issue at all AND here he was, a so-called practising Christian. It was a VERY painful time for me. I still have it in my journal.
If I had truly listened to God when He was speaking to me, I would have been saved a LOT of pain and heartache. But, we're stupid human beings, like dogs, we want to keep going back to our own vomit.
We married twice- once in the Anglican church and once in the Catholic Church after I became Catholic. We were celibate both times beforehand for a long period of time. The first time for 15 months and then the second time, because I had to annull my first marriage, we stopped having sex until we knew we were married in the Church so that was 14 months.
I have to tell you that things are a lot different when God blesses the union between husband and wife. The trust issues diminish, knowing that person is always going to be there... there's so much to it.
It can be done Sarah, but it takes an understanding of the faith behind it and the reasoning, which is quite brilliant and beautiful and obvious when it is revealed to you, which is why I suggest that book. It's a quick and easy read- I think it'll blow your mind.
I know I'm suggesting a lot to you right away so pray on it and take with you what makes sense to you and what you know God is saying to you.
Anyway, I feel kind of protective here because I know what's at stake and how important it is. You don't sound like a pushover Sarah. I think you'll be ok!
__________________ I am just a Voice of One who's greater than this....
But I am still a sacred voice I will not be dismissed.
Well, I just got back from badminton, and am now waiting for my friend to show up
You and your husband seem to have put in a lot of hard work to get to where you are now. It's inspiring! It's such a very beautiful thing when two people decide that they are going to work to be together.
My partner said the same thing...that it would have been easier if we had agreed to be celibate when we first met. That's very true, and I understand how hard it may be. Not just for him, I think. I do believe that I'm strong enough to put aside a physical want in order to do the right thing for my feelings, though. One of the difficult things is that he is an Agnostic. He's very supportive of my beliefs, but it's still a bit of an issue. I would dearly love to kneel down with my partner and pray TOGETHER.
I think I'll just take every day as it comes and see what happens.
Thanks for the suggested reading! I'll check out my library and some bookstores. I'm sure I could get it online if that fails.
And your protectiveness is appreciated...it's nice to know people care
__________________ 'Since God listens to the heart, rather than the lips he probably forgave her.' The Well of Loneliness
'Since it existed it had to be part of nature. How could anything that exists NOT be part of nature?' The Well of Loneliness
I hope you find Floating Axe though- I'm sure she'd be overjoyed to hear about your decision to follow Christ. There's nothing like knowing that you played a part, no matter how small, in a life changing decision like that.
When I told her that I'm planning on getting Baptized, she was shocked. She doesn't object to any of this, though. She is a very tolerant and respectful woman.
), and I have one of my Catholic friends coming to stay the night. She's one of my two extremely close friends and I'm so grateful to have her.
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