Reintroducing myself...

PurpleIvy · #21 7th November 2009, 01:42 PM

I'm new here and my opinion may be off but I think you should close your eyes, take a breath and listen. God is there, the lines may feel cut off but they're not, its just a little foggy around you due to all the stress. Church tomorrow is an excellent idea it'll give you some time to focus. About the girl that you were involved with, I'm sorry but I would kind of let that go to the wayside. That is, of course, going to make this time harder for you and its your healing that is needed. I'm sorry about your moms illness but all you can do is be there for her and try not to break. Jobs come and go and you may have been in the wrong one. Don't spend alot of time dwelling on what they think of you, you know who you are and what the truth is.

InTheCloud · #22 7th November 2009, 05:25 PM

I told him that the prostitution was not the root of the problem, it was a symptom of something else. I still don't know what, and I don't know if I'll ever root this awful sickness out of myself. I feel like such a useless, disgusting, worthless, twisted person right now.

Probably is not, you seen to have some sexual confusion and maybe need for sexual attention.
Also you mention having a mother and sisters but not a father.

Each time I talk with women in the sex industry I find that being a good father is important to keep women out of the industry.

Most seem to have either a abusive father, a death father (not the father fault here), an absent father or a overworked father that might by a good provider but did not paid emotional attention to his daughters.

I wonder if you needed some male attention in your life and got it by the way of prostitution.
Also you seem to have some depresive streak. Girl, you are talking about suicide!

Have you seek some profesional counseling?

LunarPlexus · #23 8th November 2009, 08:31 AM

PurpleIvy: I went to Church, and it did help. I agree with you about the girl...I don't think I'm ever going to be able to give her answers or make up for anything, so it would just be too hurtful and pointless to keep talking to her. And you're right, I know the truth, and I'm not going to waste time wondering what anybody else there is thinking about me. Thank you for your support.

InTheCloud:I am messed up sexually. I think it's quite the opposite though, I really HATE sexual attention. I've always disliked it because I hate to be sexualised. I don't know why. But you're quite right. There are some serious issues there. You're right about the father thing too. My biological father has always lived in another country with a wife and children. His communication skills are horrible, he just can't keep consistently in touch and never has.

My sister's father has been more involved in my life, and I love him dearly, but his skills are almost as bad. He never calls me now, and he gets angry at me when I get in touch because I don't call HIM enough. He doesn't seem to realise that relationships with anyone are half and half. He says that we're grown up now, and we can do what we like, but that shouldn't mean that he doesn't have any parental responsibility, should it?

So yes, you're right. I have not had a stable father-figure.

I did need some male attention. The problem was that the only way I knew how to get it was by doing "that". At the same time I was determined not to let them just take it, so I guess it makes sense that I ended up in the industry.

I do have a long history with depression and self-destructive behaviours. This is why I say that the prostitution was just a symptom...I just found another way to mess myself up and harm myself. This makes me feel very guilty, because there are so many women doing because they don't feel that they have a choice, and no other way of surviving...and the only reason I can think of why I was is that I needed to hurt myself. It's sick.

I've been in therapy and counsellign over the years, but I haven't had any about this yet. Getting on here is the furthest I've come so far. I did get in touch with Bronwen Healy, from the Hope Foundation. It's based in another state, but I thought she may be able to put me onto some resources, since I can't seem to find anything where I am. She did reply, and said she'd be happy to help, but that was a couple of months ago and I haven't heard anything. I guess she's a busy woman, so I might still hear from her.

Sorry, I keep making long posts, but thank you for your reply.

InTheCloud · #24 8th November 2009, 11:27 AM

Long post are good, you do need to say things.

do have a long history with depression and self-destructive behaviours. This is why I say that the prostitution was just a symptom...I just found another way to mess myself up and harm myself. This makes me feel very guilty, because there are so many women doing because they don't feel that they have a choice, and no other way of surviving...and the only reason I can think of why I was is that I needed to hurt myself. It's sick.

You are not the only girl here who comes from a relatively normal family who is being caught up with depression and a long story of self destructive behavior getitin. Tara and Isabelle stories are very similar. And saldy for them they got tangled in substance abuse and anger issues too.

Also your guilt issues are very similar to those of LT after she left the industry.

You do need to talk.

And have you tried counseling with a doctor?

New Creation · #25 8th November 2009, 07:47 PM

Hey Sarah,

Never apologize for long posts here. We are here to listen, so 'talk' as much as you need to!

You seem very self aware Sarah- that's pretty extraordinary for someone as young as you. You seem to know what your issues are.

When did you start to act out? What kind of self destructive behaviour were you engaging in before prostitution?

I also came from a relatively normal family (parents loved their drink and dad was always at work) and made my way into the sex industry. I think for me the catalyst was when I aborted my baby. I really hated myself after that and spent a long time after that drinking myself to death as well as having sex with whoever crossed my path.

I think it's good that you don't like being sexualized. That's a good thing. You understand on an intrinsic level that sex is more than objectifying and using another person to get off.

I'm going to suggest again to you the book Theology of the Body for Beginners by Christopher West. It sounds to me like you need some solid spiritual direction as far as sex goes. For me, my relationship with sex was a huge part of my spiritual journey and continues to be so- understanding the way God meant it to be can really be helpful.

New Creation · #26 8th November 2009, 07:52 PM

CTS Television: Online Video Player Coren Show

Here is a link to Christopher West's appearance on the Michael Coren Show. I hope you can see it. It was on October 15 and is a full hour show. It will begin to describe to you the line of thought I was referring to in Theology of the Body.