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  #1  
Unread 12th September 2009, 02:37 AM
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Sad I need some prayer and some advice over Cheating boyfriend...

Okay,
I've never posted before so here goes.
My boyfriend and I were together for 5 years (I'm 25 and he's 26). When we got together I was not a church going person. I wasn't a bad person by any means, I really didn't do much to get into trouble but I hadn't been to a Church steadily since childhood. However, He had been raised in a Christian home his entire life and was very involved in it. He got me into going to Church, learning about God, learning to trust (I didn't really have good experiences when I took a crack at going in High School) and I found a wonderful church family that I finally felt welcomed and comfortable with. He convinced me that I needed to stop MY bad habits and I was convinced that I had the man that I was going to marry.

One week ago I found out that I was being cheated on. I found very explicit sexual texts between him and a married woman he met at one of his shows (He plays in a Praise and Worship band) and I never thought a situation like this would be as hard as it is. I am wrecked. I broke up with him immediately.

The last texts did end with them discussing their guilt over it and their mutual decision that it needed to stop. He tells me that if we get back together all contact with this woman will cease. If I choose to move on he'll "probably still be pretty good friends with her." Not only do I think that is innappropriate to her young son and clueless husband even though they are seperated but how can you really be "just friends" afterthis? They both were well aware that the other was involved with another person. I felt the comment to be painfully insensitive.

He told me that he was sorry, needed to get back to focusing on God, even told his friends what he had done and was met with their shock (They never took him for that type of guy). He told me that if I chose to work things out then that's what he truly wanted because he still hopes to marry me someday. Yet, I have had aquaintences tell me that he has messaged them on facebook asking them to text and hang out (as in hitting on them). It isn't bad enough that he wrecked everything that we had planned, but does he need to mess with my head too?


I apologize if this is long and I ranted...but I wanted to give a good idea of my situation and would just really appreciate some prayers and advice on how to handle this. This is really taking a toll on me right now...

Last edited by BenevolentB; 30th September 2009 at 12:01 AM.
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  #2  
Unread 12th September 2009, 06:55 AM
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I'm sorry to say but that situation sounds terminal.

It sounds very much like someone got his hand caught in the cookie jar, and has vowed never to do it again - but only if he can have his cookie back. If he can't, then he will just keep sneaking some crumbs.

I really don't think you want that or more importantly, deserve that.

Part of what the Bible says about relationships is that husband and wife build each other up. The wife is sacred, precious and cherished as the person most dear to the husband, and the husband is respected, honoured and loved by the wife too. Obviously I know you are not married, but as a Christian I look towards what God has laid out for me. In respects to a relationship, I look towards how God believes husband and wife should act and treat each other and from what you have described, he was taking you for granted and has only realised that because you are no longer there now.

I see nothing wrong with trying to help him, but I would not suggest entangling yourself in that relationship again unless there is significant steps made on his behalf to rebuild the trust.

Corinthians talks about love in the Bible - which is not actually love as we understand it, it's sacrifice. It's about how husband and wife sacrifice of themselves to meet each other's needs. In our culture we often seem to think love is all roses, and if there is fighting, or arguments, then we might not be in love as we thought - but Biblical love is about how you handle those parts of the relationship - real love, true love - gives of itself, to conquer any negative aspects. That's what Christ did for mankind as a whole on the cross, He overthrew sin, through his sacrifice so we had a clear passage back to God.

Only you and your ex boyfriend will obviously be able to sort through this, but certainly I would suggest great caution. I have a friend who was in a similar situation, whereby her boyfriend was always a bit of a ladies man, and was never willing to restrain himself or work on it for her, or to show her respect or reinforce their trust. She didn't act on it, and unfortunately two years later she discovered he had cheated on her several times.

I know you aren't a Christian, but for what it's worth God doesn't want anyone to settle for anything but the very best. Christ's sacrifice wasn't so we could live mediocre lives with cheating partners, constant trust issues and a lot of stress - it was so we could live as God intended us to in a perfect loving relationship with a partner who returns everything we give into the relationship and more.

My equally long two cents.

Last edited by Digit; 13th September 2009 at 01:24 AM.
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  #3  
Unread 12th September 2009, 11:26 AM
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I would cut off all contact with him. I can't believe he thinks it is OK to continue a friendship with her. I'm so sorry this happened to you I know it is hard to let go of a long term relationship. But I am proud of you for breaking it off immediately. A lot of people seem to struggle with breaking things off right away even when it is obvious that they should. Take some time to heal from this and don't worry, there are plenty of good men out there.
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  #4  
Unread 12th September 2009, 10:51 PM
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Hi

The fact that he doesn't seem to see anything wrong with remaining good friends with this lady, shows a huge red flag for me. If he was truly intent on restoring his relationship with you and changing his ways, he would understand he needs to leave the relationship with that woman behind, on all accounts. It certainly doesn't sound like he is making you his first priority. You did the right thing by breaking it off with him. Better now, then marry him and have him do something like this again, it will only hurt and devastate you more after marriage.

My advice, cut off all contact with him and move on. Don't allow yourself to entertain the thought of getting back with him. He obviously makes poor judgement, and is still doing so if he's contacting random people online. Maybe he enjoys the attention but it doesn't sound like he is someone who you can trust to keep a commitment to you. You certainly deserve better.
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  #5  
Unread 12th September 2009, 11:01 PM
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The previous posters pretty much said it all. He has a lot of rethinking to do. Unfortunately that situation is not too uncommon within Christian circles. There are some long standing, very deep seated doctrinal issues behind such behaviour within sections of the Christian community.

You need to find someone who has convictions and values more akin to your own.

You will have a lot of pain for a while. That was a massive let down.

John
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  #6  
Unread 18th September 2009, 02:30 AM
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I'm going to go against everyone on here so I can give you some perspective on both sides of the spectrum .


June... of this year.. yea .. I got cheated on. I found out my girlfriend was sending rather sexual e mails and of course PICTURES to top it all off to another guy. The guy was from another country and she thought it wasn't a bad thing. I left her . I left town and moved away from her. She tried talking to me and I , angry <staff edit> , tried to process all of this in my mind but what came out of my mouth was the worst cussing that anyone could ever say to another person. I was torn. How could my girl do this to me ? I mean.. wow. I prayed to God , so badly and asked him why he had let her do this to me , and what was I to get of this. I don't know what happened but God told me... to forgive. I thought about it hard and long and I forgave her. I took her back and she regrets what she did. Am I proud of letting her back in my life ? A part of me always says " you shouldn't have done that" , but another side says " you're doing good , forgiveness is always a good thing." Now you can forgive without bringing them back in your life but my girlfriend is really working on herself and being a better person because of it. We all make mistakes. Talk to him and seriously have a conversation on why he did what he did. If you don't like whats coming out of his mouth then you know what to do. Its really up to you. Good luck , God Bless.

Last edited by dluvs2trvl; 30th September 2009 at 12:07 AM. Reason: staff edit
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  #7  
Unread 25th September 2009, 11:59 PM
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I know you aren't a Christian, but for what it's worth God doesn't want anyone to settle for anything but the very best.Actually, I am. That's probably one of the few positive things I pulled out of this relationship.

Thank you all for your advice. It really helped me.

I went through a week of being a wreck and then I thought I wanted to forgive him and work it out. Then he decided he needed to fast and pray about it and that he didn't know if we'd get back together but he hadn't ruled it out (For the record, when did he become in control? I'm an idiot) and I decided that I needed to do the same.
Yet it has only been a week and a half and he's already trying to see other people. I made it clear that I didn't want to be friends and he got upset talking about how he was trying to change to maybe fix us someday and what a Glorious end to a 5 yr relationship that we can't even be friends. My apologies, I thought the glorious end to a 5 yr relationship was when you cheated but maybe that's just me. Just sayin' haha

So, I decided he likes to play head games and cut off all ties. Facebook? Deleted. Cell phone? Deleted. You don't try to date anyone you can while trying to decide what to do about another relationship (and supposedly when your focus is God and taking this time to himself as he says). It kind of defeats the purpose. Awesome thing is...I don't even miss him like I thought I would and I really do wish him the best. I pray that he does change because I would hate for the next girl to have to go through what I've been through with him. God bless her heart whomever she is.

Thank you all!
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  #8  
Unread 26th September 2009, 12:46 AM
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You have done so well.

Bless you
John
NZ
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  #9  
Unread 26th September 2009, 01:32 PM
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Make like OchoCinco and drop kick him through the uprights!!! This dude has no plans to change and even if he will break it off with her, his messages via facebook are indications that he is basically PLANNING his next cheat!
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  #10  
Unread 26th September 2009, 02:25 PM
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Sorry to say this, but, you should be grateful that you discovered who he was before you married him. It's a blessing.

Also, after five years, he probably wasn't planning on marrying you.
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