Married to a narcissist who cannot truly love

After nearly 14 years of marriage, I'm beginning to believe that I may be married to someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)...someone who is simply incapable of authentic love. I'm hoping someone here has some experience with narcissists--maybe even been married to one? It's a complicated personality disorder. There's not really room here to list all the symptoms. The net-net is that we have a loveless marriage and pretty much always have. We've just been great pretenders. I've sought help for me. I've sought help for us. God has really tilled up some hard ground in my heart (with PLENTY of hard ground to go), but my husband WILL NOT get help for himself. He doesn't think he has a problem. I've been fighting divorce because I didn't want to hurt my children and because "God hates divorce." But the fact is, his narcissim has already hurt the kids. He is controlling, excessively critical, quick to judge, and quick to anger. The prayer of my youngest (8-year-old) lately is, "God, help Daddy to not be so mad all the time." A Christian friend said to me that I have grounds to leave him because he is not, nor has he ever, fulfilled his vows to "love, honor, and cherish." Either way, my children hurt, and I HATE that. Help! I don't know what to do anymore!

Have you discussed this with anyone from your church? There is a lot involved in your situation, and wise counsel and caring support can be invaluable in seeing you through the choices you need to make.

John
NZ

http://www.christianforums.com/t7377664/

I recommend good christian counselling as well. I personally think that emotional abuse does more damage then physical abuse ultimatly, but it can hide behind the some of the nicest smiles and well meaning people.

The only allowable reason that the bible gives for divorce and remarriage, is sexual sin. But that doesn't mean you have to live with an abuser. If someone won't change their attitudes and lifestyle and refuse to get help but instead just move on with someone else, you're free to go (because they've broken the covenant by sleeping with someone else, either within marriage or out of it) and you can remarry. But at least they have that option first.

So if it gets too bad, one option is to move out. Not perhaps the easiest thing to do, but it gives your relationship more of a chance if your partner is refusing to change his behaviour. (And if not, helps to minimise the impact of a permanent break and the emotional damage in the process and also enables those involved to see the bigger picture and the faults more clearly.)

Thanks for your replies. Yes, actually, I've been with a Christian counselor for a few months. I understand he can't make the decision to stay or go for me. And he really doesn't seem to be trying to influence me either way. He reminded me that if I stay, it will likely mean being resigned to being in a loveless marriage if my husband continues to do nothing about it—that NPD is one of those things that has a low success rate in treatment. But he also seems to be saying that he thinks I probably have biblical grounds to leave him. He has done a lot of study about the true meaning of and intent behind the words "adultery" (or is it "fornication"? I forget). He's of the opinion that adultery (or fornication) is less about sex and more about keeping and breaking covenants, and that my husband is and has (as a rule, not an exception), never loved, honored, or cherished me. I guess we're all guilty (including me) of not doing that. But the difference is, I don't want it to be that way. I want to be the kind of wife God wants me to be, and I’m trying to be open to anything God wants show me about myself that needs to change in order to make that happen. My husband doesn't. And “the rest of the world” doesn’t understand. He’s really good at maintaining the “nice-guy” image on the outside. And pretty much everyone in my world (except for my mom and siblings, who have seen his true colors over 14 years), will say to me, “But he’s such a nice guy. How could you think about leaving him?” I know it doesn’t matter what the world thinks…it’s what God thinks. I find it hard to believe God would want divorce, but I also find it hard to believe that a God who loves us would allow us to be sentenced to a loveless marriage. And there truly is no love there. I look into his eyes (when he makes eye contact with me, which he rarely does…never has), there is nothing there. It’s, like, empty space. I know. It’s weird. It makes me feel crazy.

Divorce is not God's preference. But neither is it forbidden either. The NT texts on this issue are not well understood, and some consequently take a very limited view of what constitutes valid biblical grounds for divorce.

John
NZ

Centex,

My personal experience with personality disorders is being raised by an Undiagnosed Borderline Personality Disordered Mother.

I've done a lot of reading about the abuse and the personality disorders.

I have actually worked for a boss for 2 years who had NPD. He seemed to have a loveless marriage, and carried on an affair for years with a married employee. Apparently it was some sick agreement between both couples, or so the rumours were.

My Advice would be the following:

1. If you divorce, do it properly and do it now.

2. If you want to stay and try to work things through: Only stay on the following conditions: 1. He admits his disorder and that he has it, 2. He actively attends therapy and trys to change his ways.

Both options will bring you happiness.

Thanks Davin. Frankly, I'm past the point of seeking happiness, I just want not to be miserable any more. I did tell him I would stay if he would: 1. Get a professional diagnosis (only because I can't convince him he's got a problem...he says his problem is my "victimizing" him...hoping a professional might be able to convince him), and 2. Begin to act on that diagnosis, with therapy or whatever, within a certain time frame (otherwise, he would continue to "forget about it" endlessly, hoping it will just go away). He's vascillated back and forth on the answer. He clearly DOESN'T want to do this. And I told him if he was doing it just because I asked him to, that wouldn't work either. He's going to have to really want it. He finally said he would at least go for the diagnosis. Won't promise anything beyond that. I can only hope and pray that God would open his heart and mind to the truth, but I have to tell you, I'm not optimistic about it at all right now.

It's good to be realistic.

I really think they hav eto acknowledge it themselves before they can change. Even if they are diagnosed, a lot of these people still deny it.

I know how is that feeling SentexMom...Don't feel guilty if you decide for divorce.
Is not weird , I know that look (emty space..nothing) , cold.

Take care of your self
All the best and may God bless you