Think about it. If you have sons, this man is their role model. If you have daughters, this man is the model for the husband they will seek..
Sorry for the delayed post. I haven't been able to get online for a while. I definitely agree Catherineanne. That's been a big concern is that my two daughters will end up looking for a man "just like Dad," which would be just another generation of nightmares. I, too, am surrounded by narcissists in my family. They leave quite a wake of multi-generational destruction. I'm wondering if maybe that's why I ended up with one (just like dear old Dad).
The narcissists abusiveness/neglectfulness is very difficult to prove b/c they do maintain such a facade to the outside world. I used to inwardly gag when people would tell me what a great person my ex was and how lucky I was to be married to him. I used to think, "Oh, if only you knew the man I know" but I never spoke up b/c marriage is a private matter, IMO.
Thanks flnativegrl. It's such a relief to know there are others out there who have been through the same thing. He has SUCH a fascade that people act like I'M crazy when I suggest that he may not be all that he presents himself to be. AAAHHHHHH!!! It makes me SO crazy.
But he's planning on leaving in about a month. He's already found multiple other supplies, looking up old girlfriends, trolling online, you name it. I find myself struggling with my own self worth and have to remind myself that his actions aren't about MY value, they're about HIS dysfunction. It's just hard to remember that sometimes when the emotions get high. And they're about maxed out right now.
Anyway, thanks for your words of encouragement. Would love to visit with you sometime to see how things are going with you.
I am also married to a Narcissist, and have been for 13 years. I totally get where you "are." I just recently made the decision to leave, because my husband categorically refuses to see that there is a problem with himself. He began psychotherapy when I told him I didn't know whether or not I wanted to stay with him, and the first psychologist who saw him said "You seem like a nice guy--why do you need a psychologist?" People just don't realize--especially when it's an extremely intelligent, high-functioning, controlling manipulator like my husband--what could possibly be going on behind the scenes.
Wooddove, it sounds like you've lived my life (we are at 14 years). I've read that a lot of NPDs can fool their therapists. Although, I have to say that the last two counselors we've gone to see together have BOTH told me he had a really serious victim mentality.
Originally Posted by Wooddove
I have already faced retribution for my decision, been told that I am in rebellion (this from a member of my own family) and need to get right with God, etc. Despite it being hurtful, I know this person simply doesn't understand.
I too have been ostracized by several members of my own family, who tell me I just need to shut up and learn how to be a Godly wife (they believe that's the problem in our marriage). I know that my husband has just suckered a few of my family members like he's suckered the rest of the world and suckered me for 13 years. I have to pray that God will show the truth to my family. I cannot do it myself.
Originally Posted by Wooddove
My husband, unfortunately, also suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder, and the two together make for some real weirdness.
Oddly enough, I was diagnosed with BPD in my 20s. I've read somewhere that BPD/NPD is a common dysfunctional pairing. Although, I have to say God has spent years dysmantling my BPD dysfunction. I don't feel BPD anymore, and most of my self-destructive BPD behaviors have disappeared. But I know God's still got a long way to go...and I welcome every moment of his dysmantling because of the shiny new structures he puts in place of all that is broken-down.
Originally Posted by Wooddove
First of all, there is a very real sense that a narcissist has "left" you, emotionally. Technically, he wasn't there in the first place, but that isn't always readily apparent. There is also very real emotional abuse that is perpetrated by a narcissist. There is no true concern for your welfare, no committment to the ideals of the vows you spoke at your wedding, no real love, no real caring (for you OR your children)--in short, there is nothing at all in him that is even capable of fulfilling the Biblical mandate to love you as Christ loved the church. He also can't love you like his own body. . . cherish you. . . or do anything that is truly Christ-like. He actually epitomizes that which got Lucifer thrown out of heaven. Pride. Arrogance. Complete and total focus on self.
OMGosh! Yes! That SO resonates with me! I feel like he's never been with me emotionally, he just pretended to be. He said he loved, but his actions never spoke it. He said he cared, but he did nothing to show it. It left me wondering if I was crazy...that maybe I just didn't really know what love was supposed to be...maybe I was wanting too much...was just too demanding when I asked him to "show me" his love.
Originally Posted by Wooddove
He's gone around to all my friends and lied about me--or accused them! He's tried to isolate me from our finances. . . and so much more. The things he's done are downright bizarre. I literally have only one friend left, the damage has been so great.
Ditto that. He's told all of our friends that I've victimized him for 14 years. Suddenly the phone stops ringing. I only have a few friends left, and they were not mutal friends...just girl friends of my own.
Originally Posted by Wooddove
I wish you God's best, God's presence, and Godspeed!
Thanks so much Wooddove. I pray that all of us who are yoked to narcissists would be able to walk in grace and forgiveness...which will likely be the hardest thing we've ever had to do. But God has been helping me along with words here and there...to love the unloveable...to forgive those who aren't seeking your forgiveness. Now I just need God to help me be those things (if not be those things for me), because I know I don't have it inside me to do that without Him.
Would love to stay in touch and hear how you are fairing.
Thanks flnativegrl. It's such a relief to know there are others out there who have been through the same thing. He has SUCH a fascade that people act like I'M crazy when I suggest that he may not be all that he presents himself to be. AAAHHHHHH!!! It makes me SO crazy.
But he's planning on leaving in about a month. He's already found multiple other supplies, looking up old girlfriends, trolling online, you name it. I find myself struggling with my own self worth and have to remind myself that his actions aren't about MY value, they're about HIS dysfunction. It's just hard to remember that sometimes when the emotions get high. And they're about maxed out right now.
Anyway, thanks for your words of encouragement. Would love to visit with you sometime to see how things are going with you.
Blessings!
I totally understand the struggle with your self-worth. I had to remind myself repeatedly that my ex-husband's inability to love me or fix the problems he created in our marriage had nothing to do with ME. It was about him and his inability, only. When we were in counseling together, the therapist touched on an issue from my ex's childhood that is a major factor in the issues he has (not the only one, but a biggie). My ex flat out told him that he refuses to talk about it. The therapist told him that we wouldn't find resolution if he couldn't bring it out into the open and face it head on - yet he still refused. I think that was the moment where I realized that there was nothing I could do since he was so unwilling/incapable of addressing his issues.
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Hi CentexMom - you sound just like me in your post - I too am married to a man with
NPD and I have 3 boys. I too am a christian trying struggling to do the right thing. To some of our problems there are no solutions. For example, our children have fathers who cannot father the way we had hoped. The best thing that we have going for us is our faith... knowing that God loves us so much is such a comfort. My advise regarding divorce is to listen to what God wants you to do... God has a different plan for each of us.
After nearly 14 years of marriage, I'm beginning to believe that I may be married to someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)...someone who is simply incapable of authentic love. I'm hoping someone here has some experience with narcissists--maybe even been married to one? It's a complicated personality disorder. There's not really room here to list all the symptoms. The net-net is that we have a loveless marriage and pretty much always have. We've just been great pretenders. I've sought help for me. I've sought help for us. God has really tilled up some hard ground in my heart (with PLENTY of hard ground to go), but my husband WILL NOT get help for himself. He doesn't think he has a problem. I've been fighting divorce because I didn't want to hurt my children and because "God hates divorce." But the fact is, his narcissim has already hurt the kids. He is controlling, excessively critical, quick to judge, and quick to anger. The prayer of my youngest (8-year-old) lately is, "God, help Daddy to not be so mad all the time." A Christian friend said to me that I have grounds to leave him because he is not, nor has he ever, fulfilled his vows to "love, honor, and cherish." Either way, my children hurt, and I HATE that. Help! I don't know what to do anymore!
Be very, very , very careful with that assumption. One counselor told my wife I was one - we ended up in divorce. Not a single counselor since has agreed. NPDers are stigmatized as evil and non-human, and if your DH finds out that's what you think he is, and googles the phrase, it's going to crush him.
The one online source of help for NPD I've found that is not filled with hate and "pity poor me stuck with the evil man" is www.healnpd.org.
Good luck.
__________________ The judge and the dreamer stood face to face ... One stranded in time, one lost in space.
The tenderness and love of God our Savior has dawned in our lives; He saved us not because of any righteous deeds we had done but because of His mercy. Titus 3:4-5 (Jerusalem Bible)
"What would the church be like if we erred from an excess of compassion rather than from a stingy and legalistic lack of it." - Brennan Manning
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