I'm finally facing it...

This is really hard for me to talk about. Yes, even typing it is difficult but, its time I face it. So heres my story....

From the time I was 5 years old till the time I was 13 I was molested by my older brother. I wasn't raped... just molested. During that time a neighbor who was the same age as my brother also moleseted me from the time I was 7 till the time I was 9. It wasn't until a few months ago that I finally confided my secret in my best friend and it was not even a week ago that I confided it in another well trusted friend.

All through my life I just pretended that it wasn't happening and that it never happened. I didn't want to face what truly happened. I didn't want to claim the pain. Now that I've confided in my close friends I'm finally on my way to healing but its hard.

I feel disgusting. I don't see any self-worth in me at all. The way I look at myself isn't healthy in anyway. I feel I deserved what happened to me, and that it was my fault. I struggle with SI because of this past. I don't value myself at all.

I'm working on all of this... is there any advice from anyone on how they got through the healing process? words of encouragement or just keeping me in your prayers is just fine.

Thanks for reading,
secretshadows

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Telling people and sharing your story here is incredibly brave, and a big step towards healing.
Sweetie, you were a child, it wasn't your fault, and you didn't deserve it in any way.
I was abused for years as a child to, and I am just beginning to come to terms with it.

Therapy has been very helpful for me... if you are able, I would recommend talking to someone who is experienced in this area... it really does help.

Accepting and loving yourself is so hard... but you do deserve it, sweetie.
Try to take care of yourself.. and if you are cutting, be careful to avoid infection, k?

You are a wonderful person, and you are taking steps to recover... that is great.
Praying for you very much

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The second trusted friend that I told last week is an adult that I'm very close to. She's an amazing woman. I was terrified when I told her but after talking to her I found out that not only had she been molested by her father but she had been date raped twice. She understood my pain. Which saddened me but was comforting to know too. Shes helping me work through this. Its the closest I can get to seeing a shrink. I prefer it this way. I trust her and am comfortable talking to her. I know she doesn't know all the answers but no one does so I'm okay with that.

Also I'm going to this program called Life Hurts God Heals at my church. Its like a group counceling thing. I haven't exactly opened up in there yet but I think I'll feel comfortable enough to do so soon.

Its hard to talk about this when it makes me physically sick. I'm really struggling with talking openly about it. My friends are being patient with me though. They understand that its difficult and they just keep loving me when I mess up. I feel like I don't even deserve their love. There is still other guilt that I have from the past.

See, my best friend... the most important person in the world to me... I put in danger. She actually dated my brother at one point and at that time I never had told her my secret. I let her date him and be alone with him and I should have protected her instead of my secret. Thank God, nothing ever happened between them. She was safe. I still carry the guilt of it and it was 5 years ago. Close to the end of everything between my brother and i. She loves me anyway. She doesn't hold it against me but I feel she should. I allowed another close friend to date him too. I still feel guilty about that because she lost her virginity to him. It was her choice though. She has not idea about this secret though.

I carry that guilt among others. I'm feeling really down on myself today and wanting to curl up in a ball and not move but I know I can't. I'm pushing through this. Its so hard though... keep me in your prayers

secretshadows.

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That course and your friend seem like really a good basis to begin working through what happened.

John
NZ

Still praying, sweetie.
I'm glad you have someone you can talk to, that really helps.
Take is slowly, one step at a time, and be gentle with yourself.

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I am praying for you and know that God will heal your brokeness. Be kind to yourself and forgive yourself. You have done the best you can every step of the way and it was good enough. You are good enough. God created you and loves you. Trust Him to walk you through your healing process.

You are very brave sharing your experience with us.

Continuing to pray for you, sweetie.
How are you doing?

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well done for telling you re truly amazing and strong. I can rlate wi the family member molesting and the self harm. But by telling trusted frieneds you are making the first steps to recovery. You re beautiful and it wasn't your fault. You can always talk to me ifyou need to
HUGE HUGS SWEETY
xxxxxxx

Well, things still feel insane. I still feel like I'm on a rollercoaster. It just seems like there are more low points than highs. I've been working on being more open. A problem that I realized last night was that I haven't verbalized anything yet. When I told my best friend everything I did it through instant messaging and letters that we write to each other. When I told my close adult friend, I did it through texting. So I feel a bit like a coward having done it that way. So next step is saying everything out loud.

I think I've mentioned before that every thursday I go to a sort of group counceling session called LHGH (Life Hurts God Heals). I've been working on telling my leader everything. Its just not that easy. She knows a lot and I think she can assume what my secret is but I haven't flat out told her everything yet. I am also wanting to just tell the whole group whats going on. I want to trust them but I have major trust issues. Its not easy to trust people I hardly know. I've been getting to know most of them for about two months now but its still not enough. It took years to finally confide in my best friend everything. Trust is a major thing that I have issues having in people.

The self harm is an on going struggle. Right now I've gone 7 days without it. I have my best friend holding my accountable. Every day she asks me what day I'm on. When I fall she doesn't critize me but encourages me, and when I go an extra day we party together But making it to day 7 has been really tough. Its been far from easy. I really am struggling with it.

Something else I have realized is that I have been feeling incredibly lonely. I'm being told constantly that I'm not alone but I've secluded myself and made it to where I am. Now for the first time I don't want to be alone. I don't want to handle this on my own. I'm just not sure how to change. Part of me is wanting to crawl in a whole and stay alone but I think thats more of instinct instead of an actual desire. I really want to let people in now. I want them to know the real me and not just the mask I created for them to see.

Something I've started doing that I haven't done in a while is a devotional. My relationship with God has been really rocky and now I'm looking for answers in the Bible. Probably something I should have done a long time ago but this is still a part of my life that I haven't handed over to Him. I've held on to it for many reasons. I'm not really talking to God but I'm listening to what He has to say and what He wants me to learn.

Hum... Right now thats all I can think to write. Its a long journey. It feels like I've been working at it for forever and its only been a few weeks. I'm trying not to give up but everyday I'm faced with wanting to turn back to my hard exterior and just play like its all okay. Thank you for praying for me and thanks for caring.

secretshadows

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