How do I cope?

Shadolus · #1 8th July 2009, 03:51 AM

Im a 24 year old guy. Never been on a date, and never even kissed a girl. I have been a solid christian all my life, and growing up I thought I would eventually come across my wife and just know she was the one. So thats why I never dated, because I thought long term and wasn't going to do it just to have fun. Yeah, I know sometimes we might date someone and know they're not the one and move on, but I havn't even come across someone that I felt like dating.

Now you must know that I would absolutely love to have a wife. I, for a while felt confident it would just happen, and I even felt like a confident guy. But now the dreaded has happened, for the last 3 years I've been losing my hair and its caused a severe drop in my self-esteem. I don't feel attractive anymore and I just about cry everytime I look in the mirror. Why would God allow someone who has been faithful and waiting for God's timing for a wife (not to mention the fact I'VE NEVER BEEN ON A DATE, oh wait I did mention that), to allow utter depression creep into them? If it wasn't hard enough to have the confidence to speak to a girl and date them, now it feels darn near impossible.

My self-image/esteem is shattered and crushed. I feel like no girl could ever be attracted to me, even though when I had all my hair I felt like I was pretty good looking, but now I feel ugly. Yeah, I know this is a shallow way to think but come on, we all care about looks to a degree. No doubt personality and faith are number 1, but looks sure do play a part. So my two questions are; Why would God allow this, and how do I go about it?

UnitynLove · #2 8th July 2009, 09:47 AM

Originally Posted by Jake777

Im a 24 year old guy. Never been on a date, and never even kissed a girl. I have been a solid christian all my life, and growing up I thought I would eventually come across my wife and just know she was the one. So thats why I never dated, because I thought long term and wasn't going to do it just to have fun. Yeah, I know sometimes we might date someone and know they're not the one and move on, but I havn't even come across someone that I felt like dating.

Now you must know that I would absolutely love to have a wife. I, for a while felt confident it would just happen, and I even felt like a confident guy. But now the dreaded has happened, for the last 3 years I've been losing my hair and its caused a severe drop in my self-esteem. I don't feel attractive anymore and I just about cry everytime I look in the mirror. Why would God allow someone who has been faithful and waiting for God's timing for a wife (not to mention the fact I'VE NEVER BEEN ON A DATE, oh wait I did mention that), to allow utter depression creep into them? If it wasn't hard enough to have the confidence to speak to a girl and date them, now it feels darn near impossible.

My self-image/esteem is shattered and crushed. I feel like no girl could ever be attracted to me, even though when I had all my hair I felt like I was pretty good looking, but now I feel ugly. Yeah, I know this is a shallow way to think but come on, we all care about looks to a degree. No doubt personality and faith are number 1, but looks sure do play a part. So my two questions are; Why would God allow this, and how do I go about it?

God has warned us so many times that "In this world you shall have trouble" and "it is impossible that no trouble or offense should come" but he has a great promise for us all. "All things worketh out for the good of those that love God, and are called according to his purpose." Brother it doesn't matter what you happens to you because you 1. Love God (If you are angry with him at this moment you are negating this promise, forgive God if you have too). 2. And you are called according to his purpose because Jesus has chosen you from since the beginning of the world to believe in him, be saved by him, and to use you for his purpose. Don't worry it will work out for your good no matter how you look like.

Remember that, "We walk by faith not by sight" it doesn't matter your faith in God will lead the right woman to you no matter what you look like. Also remember that "It is the Lord that beautifies and glorifies us" you are beautiful no matter how you look because it is God and the spirit of his son Jesus that makes you beautiful. He beautifies and glorfies you not yourself, but him. Lastly, "We do not look at the things which are seen, but the things which are unseen that are forever lasting" brother we don't concentrate on our outlife nor the things which are seen because they will fade. If not now they will eventually fade later, because beauty is a fleeting vanity. It can not because it fades away, but God on the other hand can be leaned on and trusting on because his love, his promises, and word are forever lasting.

Remember, "the lord is able to do exceedingly above and beyond more than you can even ask or even think of." Study scriptures on God's favor and his promises of providing for you and will be ok.

Shadolus · #3 8th July 2009, 03:08 PM

Thanks Unity for your reply, that was encouraging to hear. I think you said all the right things and they were Biblical and scripture filled which makes it all the more wise. I appreciate it and I'll try to carry on with no anger towards God and a belief in His promise.

tansy · #4 8th July 2009, 10:08 PM

Don't supose I'll be much help, but you don't say whether you're losing your hair from a medical condition, or whether you're merely starting to go bald.
There are plenty of chaps who start going bald at a young age. My daughter was with someone who was younger than you and had started balding, but she didnt seem to find him any less attractive. Some people even shave their heads completely bald on purpose.
I know when one's young looks can seem to matter more than maybe when you're my age...but over the years I think one gains confidence and discovers that personality and character can outweigh other considerations.
I was not confident when i was young..i was a little overweight as a teenager (and i still am overweight), and it seemed to me that every other girl was slim. But now, looking round i can see that many teenagers arent the "ideal" figure, and looking back, i actually do recall that other girls were also overweight..it's just that id dnt notice really at the time, because they had a good personality and had plenty of friends. If there's something one's not happy about, it can tend to seem that one's the only one with that problem..but i bet if you start looking aroubd you, you'll see that there are plenty of young men about who may be losing their hair or have other things that are less than "perfect".
I always had low self-esteem until I became a Christian, and then my whole perspective changed - a lot of things that had bothered me (my overwieght for one thing), no longer mattered in the same way..my self-esteem no longer depended so much on what i looked like and so forth.
I'm sure that when you meet the right person, your hair or lack of it, will make no difference.

Shadolus · #5 8th July 2009, 10:55 PM

Originally Posted by tansy

Don't supose I'll be much help, but you don't say whether you're losing your hair from a medical condition, or whether you're merely starting to go bald.
There are plenty of chaps who start going bald at a young age. My daughter was with someone who was younger than you and had started balding, but she didnt seem to find him any less attractive. Some people even shave their heads completely bald on purpose.
I know when one's young looks can seem to matter more than maybe when you're my age...but over the years I think one gains confidence and discovers that personality and character can outweigh other considerations.
I was not confident when i was young..i was a little overweight as a teenager (and i still am overweight), and it seemed to me that every other girl was slim. But now, looking round i can see that many teenagers arent the "ideal" figure, and looking back, i actually do recall that other girls were also overweight..it's just that id dnt notice really at the time, because they had a good personality and had plenty of friends. If there's something one's not happy about, it can tend to seem that one's the only one with that problem..but i bet if you start looking aroubd you, you'll see that there are plenty of young men about who may be losing their hair or have other things that are less than "perfect".
I always had low self-esteem until I became a Christian, and then my whole perspective changed - a lot of things that had bothered me (my overwieght for one thing), no longer mattered in the same way..my self-esteem no longer depended so much on what i looked like and so forth.
I'm sure that when you meet the right person, your hair or lack of it, will make no difference.

thanks!! that was very encouraging to read, I'm sorry you had been troubled growing up, but you're right and I'll try to overcome this with the belief that theirs more to ones self than appareance.

livingforlove · #6 1st August 2009, 10:28 PM

(Jake), I can relate with what you are feeling. I started to lose my hair at the age of 24 and I was depressed because I had very long hair that all the ladies seemed to like. Later on, I considered losing my hair to be sort of a blessing because it lets me know who the people are that are interested in only the outer appearance of a person and not interested in anything else. These are the kinds of people that you don't want to spend your life with - because even when you are "with them" you will still feel "alone" because they won't want to get to know the "real you". (Also) - If you think that God is doing this - then He is only "helping you" because you are a "good man" and is preventing you from potentially wasting part of your life with someone that is superficial. *A "good" woman doesn't care what a man looks like on the outside - and is looking for a man that is focused only on matters of the heart. I hope you get past this as I have - because if the woman you are looking for sees that you are too concerned about you're "outer appearance" - then she would probably think that you aren't intersted in getting to know her because she might think that you are looking for only "external" beauty in your future wife : and I wouldn't want to see you lose the opportunity of finding your true love that I know you are looking for.***Just so you know, I've been abstinent since the age of 23 beacause I too am looking for "Love". I want to let you know that I've been with women that only wanted me because of my looks - and it hurt me because I had feelings for them and later on I found that I was just being lusted after. I wouldn't wish that feeling on anyone. *Please know that you are "good man" - and I hope that you don't stray from your beliefs. (Also) - just to let you know, there are plenty of women that think men with less hair are handsome -(especially when they have confidence in their "self" - and accept thierself as they are).*****(Also) - there are certain "serious" medical conditions that cause hair loss. I advise you search the internet (etc.) for these conditions and see if you have any symptoms that could point to one of them. It is also a good idea to consult with a doctor and get a blood test that can rule out any condition that you could possibly have!*****(((Sincerely))) - LivingforLove

myanchor · #7 3rd August 2009, 05:57 PM

Jake, my wife's cousin started to go bald at 21. He got a toupee. I was puzzled by that and still am. I've told my wife that if my hair recedes too much more I was going to shave it. She said well, I love your hair, but I have seen some in shape guys who have self confidence and they are very attractive, mainly because of how they carry themselves. I got a wild hair recently because I'm really tired of having to go to the barber and a few other reasons and shortened it all around drastically. Then the sides looked fuzzy and were looking bad over the ears, so I took the standoff clip off and tried to give myself a high and tight like the marines wear and my wife told me that looked so ugly because it wasn't even, just shave it off. So I did. I got sunburned, then tanned. It looked okay, but I have a lumpy head so it wasn't the best look for me. So I'm letting things grow some, but not a great deal.
And yes, the hair is thinner up on top, but so what.

As for the girl thing. I got really sick and tired of the dating game. I asked God to bring me the one he wanted me to have or to take away the desire for a mate so I could concentrate on Him. I then started to date lots of different girls, the rule I had was not to date any girl more than 3 times to prevent either of us from getting too attached until I found the one. I read a column in a newspaper by a woman who described vividly how rewarding yet hard it was to be a nurse. I said wow, God, that woman sounds incredible, I would like to meet someone like her. You see I figured someone like that was already married. Well, He was pleased I liked her and I met her about six months later. I didn't know it was she until we had dated about six months (yes, way past the 3 date rule) and I was telling her about how I was so impressed with her and how I had read this column and it fit her so well. She got this funny look on her face and went and got this column and said this one? I said yes, whoever it was wrote so very well and she's a special lady. She got a very pleased look on her face and said I wrote this. I was stunned, but quite excited. We've been married 25 years now this past April.

God does answer prayer brother. But the key for me always has been that I have to come to the end of myself and my trying and make my request but then leave it up to Him to say yes or no.

kaishinden79 · #8 20th October 2009, 11:53 PM

jake 777well at least you are only 24 years old. I am 42 years old, still single and would like to have a girlfriend. i am trying to be myself but most of the time i don't know myself. and what was so frustrating is when you discuss this issue about self confidence, christians would accuse you of sin, that self is a sin. i have found out that self is a person & all of us is a unique person, & have a PERSONALITY. we have our own skills, abilities, thoughts & being. and being a person that is how you get into RELATIONSHIP. IRONIC IT IS THAT CHRISTIANS WOULD SAY THAT CHRISTIANITY IS A RELATIONSHIP NOT RELIGION BUT MOST CHRISTIANS DO NOT KNOW HOW TO RELATED WITH OTHER CHRISTIANS, JUST FULL OF CONDEMNATION & ACCUSATION BY QUOTING VERSES IN THE BIBLE THAT ARE a hindrance to that relationship. their first words are SIN! and the problem with christianity and christians is they are good & excellent in quoting verses in the bible but cannot put it into ACTION. that is why so many christians are not in the same page that is why conflict occurs. i get frustrated when christians say that god know me more than i know myself but he does not give any hints or ideas of who i am so i can be myself. and i get frustrated with god too about that. when i saw these people in this forum, at least i am not alone.

awosan · #9 29th November 2009, 09:20 PM

I understand how you feel and all I can offer is that it will happen! Trust in the Lord! Delight yourself in the Lord and He WILL give you the desires of your heart.

Looks are not everything and I am sure you will find a lovely and godly woman who will love you for you!

I can only speak for myself and I for one love a guy's personality more than anything. Most of the time, women don't want or even go for the "model looking" type. I am sure if you put your best foot out there that love will be returned.

So, don't give up and focus on more important things like helping others and involving yourself in group works that benefit and glorify God. Delight yourself in the Lord! Easier said than done, but it must be said!

JCFantasy23 · #10 29th November 2009, 09:25 PM

Trust me, all of us start getting changes in our appearance we don't want - and sometimes want - as we age. There are always women and men out there to be attracted to us. I wouldn't worry about that, different strokes for different folks. I am sorry your self-esteem is taking such a plunge, I can imagine that for a man losing his hair is a big issue and I DO sympathize (hugs)

As for not finding a woman to date yet, I am sure you will find her when the time is right. Like the situation you presented though, sometimes you need to get to know them better before you know if they are right. Don't cut people off because of first impressions, there is nothing wrong with trying a few dates. You really find out different sides of people when you spend time alone with them, and then a different side sometimes yet when you spend time with them in groups. You can't really know someone until you've known them for awhile.

I wish you the best of luck