Looking for Solidarity

therebelprophet · #1 27th June 2009, 06:40 AM

It's kinda like Disney World, ya know? Or, rather, it's like a kid who's never actually BEEN to Disney World. Sure he's heard about it, talked to people who have been there, done that...even seen pictures of the rides and attractions and watched videos of other people riding the rides and enjoying themselves. This kid has studied Disney World and knows all sorts of stuff about it...but he's never been there. That's how I am when it comes to sex. I'm a 26-year-old virgin who's still feeling like a deficient and awkward semi-pubescent teenager just because I haven't had sex yet. What the crap, man?

Oh I'm waiting. And I'm trusting God that I will soon hold my bride and get to put this pent-up frustration to good use in the bedroom. Lots of energy, man, LOTS of energy! And I know that this is normal and that everything's gonna change once I "do it" and suddenly that area of my life is gonna open up and bada bing bada boom I feel like a man, right? Right? Yeah. Right.

I got my 21-year-old little sister telling me that I don't know what it's like because I'm still a virgin, for cryin out loud! Thanks, sis. Now I feel HALF an inch tall instead of the full inch. And then I look at some of the women that I see pregnant and the guys that they're with and I'm thinkin "Surely I'm more appealing than THAT!" I feel like I'm missing out. Is this normal?

I'm 26. And I've got friends who are the same age as me OR YOUNGER and have 2 or 3 kids by now! It's not just about having sex...there's stuff that goes WITH it! I feel like an incomplete human being, like my experience as a homo sapien is missing a vital piece of the puzzle. And it's something critical, something that can't be faked, can't be duplicated in any way, shape or form. Sexual intercourse with a member of the opposite sex changes EVERYTHING...and after shutting down my emotions like I have been...well...I don't even know if the intimacy I crave would be met there anyway.

I don't want sex, really. I mean, I DO...but...it's not just the physical that I seek. It's that bonding...that soul uniting that takes place. That oneness. <staff edit>

So what can I do? How do you cope with a total lack of intimacy in your life? We NEED physical touch! I need it! I've gone so long without it I am actually SCARED of it! The vulnerability it takes to receive that touch....but still there is a part of me that is screaming, "TOUCH ME!! For GOD'S sake somebody please just touch me!" Now I know how the lepers felt when Jesus put his hands on them. Why they banded together...no one else would touch them. The woman with the 12 year issue of blood....no one could touch her.

<staff edit> Not like that...not like that... So how do you deal with it? How do you...fix...that feeling? Make it go away...how do you NOT crave that tenderness and affection? I want it so badly it makes me weak...like somebody sucked all the wind out of me. What do I do? Indeed, what CAN I do? I would appreciate your thoughts, as always.

Elijah2 · #2 27th June 2009, 08:02 AM

Mate, the story you are telling is a story appears to be of a person who doesn't get out to meet the soulmate that they are looking for. A soulmate just doesn't fall out of heaven, or grow on trees.

Like the hunter-gatheres of old, you have to search, mate.

There is no quick fix to finding a soulmate. It all comes down to effort, mate, personal effort. Have you put any effort into your search?

In my country some churches do have under 35 or over 35 groups. Have you joined any sort of church group that may bring in close contact with the opposite sex who are in the same position as you?

Blessings.

Supplanter · #3 27th June 2009, 12:32 PM

Originally Posted by therebelprophet

It's kinda like Disney World, ya know? Or, rather, it's like a kid who's never actually BEEN to Disney World. Sure he's heard about it, talked to people who have been there, done that...even seen pictures of the rides and attractions and watched videos of other people riding the rides and enjoying themselves. This kid has studied Disney World and knows all sorts of stuff about it...but he's never been there. That's how I am when it comes to sex. I'm a 26-year-old virgin who's still feeling like a deficient and awkward semi-pubescent teenager just because I haven't had sex yet. What the crap, man?

Oh I'm waiting. And I'm trusting God that I will soon hold my bride and get to put this pent-up frustration to good use in the bedroom. Lots of energy, man, LOTS of energy! And I know that this is normal and that everything's gonna change once I "do it" and suddenly that area of my life is gonna open up and bada bing bada boom I feel like a man, right? Right? Yeah. Right.

I got my 21-year-old little sister telling me that I don't know what it's like because I'm still a virgin, for cryin out loud! Thanks, sis. Now I feel HALF an inch tall instead of the full inch. And then I look at some of the women that I see pregnant and the guys that they're with and I'm thinkin "Surely I'm more appealing than THAT!" I feel like I'm missing out. Is this normal?

I'm 26. And I've got friends who are the same age as me OR YOUNGER and have 2 or 3 kids by now! It's not just about having sex...there's stuff that goes WITH it! I feel like an incomplete human being, like my experience as a homo sapien is missing a vital piece of the puzzle. And it's something critical, something that can't be faked, can't be duplicated in any way, shape or form. Sexual intercourse with a member of the opposite sex changes EVERYTHING...and after shutting down my emotions like I have been...well...I don't even know if the intimacy I crave would be met there anyway.

I don't want sex, really. I mean, I DO...but...it's not just the physical that I seek. It's that bonding...that soul uniting that takes place. That oneness. <staff edit>

So what can I do? How do you cope with a total lack of intimacy in your life? We NEED physical touch! I need it! I've gone so long without it I am actually SCARED of it! The vulnerability it takes to receive that touch....but still there is a part of me that is screaming, "TOUCH ME!! For GOD'S sake somebody please just touch me!" Now I know how the lepers felt when Jesus put his hands on them. Why they banded together...no one else would touch them. The woman with the 12 year issue of blood....no one could touch her.

<staff edit> Not like that...not like that... So how do you deal with it? How do you...fix...that feeling? Make it go away...how do you NOT crave that tenderness and affection? I want it so badly it makes me weak...like somebody sucked all the wind out of me. What do I do? Indeed, what CAN I do? I would appreciate your thoughts, as always.

I understand this. Believe me. I'll actually be 26 on the 6th. It is not just an issue for men and no, it isn't really about sex. If you wanted to have sex, then you could, but you actually want it in the right way at the right time with the right person. I crave that intimacy as well, but I've had to learn to go to the source to fill that need, because especially for women I think, the need for intimacy is so intense that to put that full responsibility on a man, even a husband, would completely consume him. I will absolutely rejoice in my wedding night and my marriage when it happens, but I hope that intimacy will be out of the overflow of mine and my husband's intimacy with Christ. . .to revel in that extravagant love for one another and Christ's love for us.

"TOUCH ME!! For GOD'S sake somebody please just touch me!"

This made me laugh a little, and made my eyes tear up a little as well, because I have said this so many times, in my head, even to God. I am a person who hugs a lot, because I am so starved for physical affection and I figure that they probably are, too. No, it may not be exactly the same as with a significant other, but there is a special kind of love in the fellowship of believers, and honestly, I'll take whatever I can get. More than once, someone just unexpectedly touching me on the shoulder or putting their arms around me out of love has forced me to hold back crying . . .not that it upsets me, but it does take a lot of vulnerability to accept touch if you don't get it very often. It is like it awakens a desire in you that you didn't know was so very deep until you received a little of what you were looking for.

And don't feel awkward (easy to say right but we are pretty much in the same position), I know it is hard not to when the world has pumped everyone's heads full of the nonsense that sex is what marks your passage into adulthood (whether married or not), but that just isn't true. Jesus never had sex. So, often we look at his Godhead and forget that he was very human as well. I think he understands our struggles in this area better than we could ever imagine, but lack of sex didn't make Jesus any less of a man. He was focused on God's business. God's desires. Lived a life fully surrendered to the Father and held nothing back when it came to love . . .to me, that is what defines a man.

A man who can pray for me and with me, wash me in the word, love me the way that Christ love's the church, pursue God's heart with me, live a life fully surrendered to God's will, being soft and pliable in His hands, formed and used in whatever fashion God so desires.That is a man and that is man that I desire, not someone who feels powerful because of their own sexual prowess, obtained by what . . .how . . .by sin. It seems so cheap in comparison. I would rather have a lover who can learn and grow with me in that area, even if it be another 5 or 10 years from now. What a joy to have a man who can look past society and measure His worth by Christ rather than by his sexuality.

I understand that longing so well to have the sexual expression of love with a spouse. Some days are easier to deal with than others, but the answer is always the same, though it can be hard to accept, I set my mind and heart on Christ and I draw on intimacy with him. I cry out to Him to satisfy this ache of my heart and soul, and He does. It may not be exactly how I want it right now. It may not be met through a flesh and blood spouse, but I know He will not disappoint me, no matter what. He is able to fulfill this need and no matter how He chooses to do it. He will not disappoint me.

and after shutting down my emotions like I have been...well...I don't even know if the intimacy I crave would be met there anyway.

I think I've sort of answered this, but just in case. Jesus is going to be the only one that can fully meet you needs for intimacy. Yes, having a sexual relationship with your wife will help meet your need for intimacy as well in many ways, but not fully . . .many people in the world prove that sex is not the key to meeting this human need for intimacy. They go to partner after partner, searching and never find what they are looking for. And ideally, intimacy with your wife should be the overflow of your intimacy with Christ. He is the one who can give you a heart of flesh . . .a heart that is vulnerable and a heart that feels rather than is shut down. That intimacy and vulnerability that you build and allow with Christ will take you to unbelievable places of intimacy with your spouse, because you will no longer expect her to meet that need, but be able to instead lavish her with waht you have been given . . .and likewise, I pray that she would be a woman who could do the same for you. A woman so shining and overflowing with the love of Christ that she can't keep her hands off of you.

Well, I think this is quite long enough. You're not alone. I'm pretty much in the same boat, and I do understand these feeling so very well, but I also know that it is going to be so worth it when I do get married one day. God has been preparing me for His glory and not my own desires in marriage and that might be hard to swallow right now sometimes, but it will not be disappointing in the end.

Supplanter · #4 27th June 2009, 12:47 PM

Originally Posted by Elijah2

Mate, the story you are telling is a story appears to be of a person who doesn't get out to meet the soulmate that they are looking for. A soulmate just doesn't fall out of heaven, or grow on trees.

Like the hunter-gatheres of old, you have to search, mate.

There is no quick fix to finding a soulmate. It all comes down to effort, mate, personal effort. Have you put any effort into your search?

In my country some churches do have under 35 or over 35 groups. Have you joined any sort of church group that may bring in close contact with the opposite sex who are in the same position as you?

Blessings.

I disagree with this. I am one who has been engaged twice and not to just anybody, two very strong Christian men and I've had two engagements end. By all accounts, I don't think anyone would fault me for not putting in the time and effort that I should have in these relationships . . .and fully loving them. Yet, obviously, things did not work out . . .and I still don't fully understand why, because though I'm not arrogant enough to say that I did everything right, I can say that I do understand how to love people with the love of Christ and I understand how to honor and respect a man. And my keen desire to minister to a husband in every way possible.

So, I don't think it is lack of effort that has gotten me to this place I am at right now. I pray and ask God to guide me. I assume that if I am in His will and it is His desire for me to have a husband, then I will meet that man doing what God desires of me, and that man will be doing exactly what god desires of him as well. I can't make marriage happen. It is honestly beyond me. Well, I could. I could make a bad marriage happen any time I wanted, but sometimes finding the thing that you need takes patience and perseverance. I think it is wrong to focus on finding a mate, when you should be focused on God. This is a time in life when I can be focused on God without distraction and when He is ready, I believe He will provide a spouse. My own efforts have gotten me nowhere.

Desperaux · #5 27th June 2009, 02:05 PM

I got my 21-year-old little sister telling me that I don't know what it's like because I'm still a virgin, for cryin out loud! Thanks, sis. Now I feel HALF an inch tall instead of the full inch.

Why measure your "stature" to the world's measurement?

You need to feel proud of being a pure man, purity being one of the most valuable gifts a man can bring to a woman in marriage.

My 28-year-old daughter is going through the same thing. All her friends are married and/or have children already, and she is often the odd woman out in conversations and in social gatherings. Her sisters, one older and one younger, both are married with two children each. She desires deeply to be a wife and mother, but she is waiting on the Lord to grace her with a mate of His choosing.

In the meantime, she works hard as a social worker, and serves the Lord outside of the workplace by ministering to young women who need support and friendship, and mentoring in the faith, and spends time in intercession. She is an amazing young woman and I am proud of her for having the maturity to wait on God and while waiting she is busy serving Him.

Serving God by serving others and showing the love of Jesus Christ makes up for the lack of intimacy. God tells us he is our husband (in the case of a man, He is his wife or mate). There is no need for a man to be masturbating when he has a full tank of love from God and the accompanying sense of completeness and fulfillment in serving Him.

Balance · #6 27th June 2009, 02:35 PM

Originally Posted by Elijah2

Mate, the story you are telling is a story appears to be of a person who doesn't get out to meet the soulmate that they are looking for. A soulmate just doesn't fall out of heaven, or grow on trees.

Like the hunter-gatheres of old, you have to search, mate.

There is no quick fix to finding a soulmate. It all comes down to effort, mate, personal effort. Have you put any effort into your search?

In my country some churches do have under 35 or over 35 groups. Have you joined any sort of church group that may bring in close contact with the opposite sex who are in the same position as you?

Blessings.

Agreed, not only that, it's fun!

Supplanter · #7 27th June 2009, 03:23 PM

Originally Posted by Balance

Agreed, not only that, it's fun!

Not really. Random dating is not fun. People get hurt and bonds get made that shouldn't be. Not to mention that you suffer rejection after rejection after rejection and end up subjecting others to rejection in the process. Maybe teenagers have fun dating or 20 somethings that are still not ready to settle down, but when your longing is for more substance and superficiality than just a fun date on Friday night, it isn't so much fun. Dating ends up just being a game that bears the fruit of what is sown and it usually isn't good fruit.

I'm not suggesting that you shouldn't go be friends and get to know people and enjoy spending time with them, male or female, but I look at dating as a sort of false pretense that people use to get some benefits of emotional intimacy and maybe physical intimacy to an extent without really having to make a true commitment. If you aren't ready to commit to someone don't date them, be their friend if you want to get to know them better, but that's just my opinion.

I'm just saying that you have to be careful, and I've just never found dating all that enjoyable in the long run, though I am fun date if you ever get one with me.

Desperaux · #8 27th June 2009, 03:25 PM

Originally Posted by Supplanter

Not really. Random dating is not fun. People get hurt and bonds get made that shouldn't be. Not to mention that you suffer rejection after rejection after rejection and end up subjecting others to rejection in the process. Maybe teenagers have fun dating or 20 somethings that are still not ready to settle down, but when your longing is for more substance and superficiality than just a fun date on Friday night, it isn't so much fun. Dating ends up just being a game that bears the fruit of what is sown and it usually isn't good fruit.

I'm not suggesting that you shouldn't go be friends and get to know people and enjoy spending time with them, male or female, but I look at dating as a sort of false pretense that people use to get some benefits of emotional intimacy and maybe physical intimacy to an extent without really having to make a true commitment. If you aren't ready to commit to someone don't date them, be there friend if you want to get to know them better, but that' just my opinion.

I am in total agreement with you. Dating, to me and people in our church, is a secular behaviour that Christians don't need to engage in.

geetrue · #9 27th June 2009, 04:30 PM

Originally Posted by Supplanter

I disagree with this. I am one who has been engaged twice and not to just anybody, two very strong Christian men and I've had two engagements end.

I can say that I do understand how to love people with the love of Christ and I understand how to honor and respect a man. And my keen desire to minister to a husband in every way possible.

So, I don't think it is lack of effort that has gotten me to this place I am at right now. I pray and ask God to guide me. I assume that if I am in His will and it is His desire for me to have a husband, then I will meet that man doing what God desires of me, and that man will be doing exactly what god desires of him as well.

I can't make marriage happen. It is honestly beyond me. Well, I could. I could make a bad marriage happen any time I wanted, but sometimes finding the thing that you need takes patience and perseverance. I think it is wrong to focus on finding a mate, when you should be focused on God.

I like southern girls ... especially mid twenties.

Do you know St John 3:16?

I'm so old that's about the only qualifier left for me

No picture needed just pm your phone number and I'll do the rest.

I guess you would like to know a little something about me first, uh?

Lets see now ... Born in the great state of Texas. Joined the US Navy at 17, married at 20 divorced at 33, it was her fault, two grown children, three grandchildren. Am I still in the running?

I am rather mature at forty years older than you, but I've been a follower of my Lord and saviour Jesus Christ for 24 years in August.

You were about one year old when I fell in love with Jesus ... wait a minute I'm getting to the good stuff.

I haven't been sexually active in 27 years and yes I can honestly state if you don't use it ... you lose it. However I have hopes in modern chemicals and a sweet sweet understanding woman to be my wife. No sexual sin for me, no siree.

I would just have to repent of it and it doesn't look good on your record if you knowingly sin.

I wish I could tell you that I am rich enough to buy and sell CF, but I am not. It is three days till payday and I still have $8.25 in my checking account.

All kidding aside I feel your pain supplanter even though you are a woman and I feel the pain of Rebel Prophet (as I have many times before also).

What can we do about this problem, young or old? The Word of God plainly states that He will take care of all of our needs.

Like St Paul says, "Do we (meaning him and Barabass) not deserve to have a wife like the other apostles?"

Originally Posted by Elijah2

There is no quick fix to finding a soulmate. It all comes down to effort, mate, personal effort. Have you put any effort into your search?

I have never disagreed with Elijah2 ... he is one of the strongest members on CF, but this time I do. True your probably not going to meet a soul mate shopping for groceries, but you do have to pray and believe for a soul mate to be put in your path by none other than our Lord Jesus.

He has done it many times for others, right? Why not the rest of us?

Jesus is the same yesterday, today and yes even tomorrow ...

We believe God for healing, we pray for people to prosper, we pray for the right ministry and the right fellowship, the right job and of course for the right mate.

Yet we are stil single, many many years of praying for me I might add.

I've tried those single dating clubs ... don't do it ... they just want your money. I have looked at and strongly desired single women in church, (is that another word for lust?) but as a introvert/extrovert no chimes, no ryhmes, no good times.

So ya'll pray for me, okay and I'll pray for you to find your perfect or not so perfect soul mate.

As a Irish mother said one time:

"God only has Himself to blame if you don't find the right person to marry ... Lord only knows we have prayed about it"

IowaPastor · #10 27th June 2009, 04:55 PM

Originally Posted by therebelprophet

It's kinda like Disney World, ya know? Or, rather, it's like a kid who's never actually BEEN to Disney World. Sure he's heard about it, talked to people who have been there, done that...even seen pictures of the rides and attractions and watched videos of other people riding the rides and enjoying themselves. This kid has studied Disney World and knows all sorts of stuff about it...but he's never been there. That's how I am when it comes to sex. I'm a 26-year-old virgin who's still feeling like a deficient and awkward semi-pubescent teenager just because I haven't had sex yet. What the crap, man?

Oh I'm waiting. And I'm trusting God that I will soon hold my bride and get to put this pent-up frustration to good use in the bedroom. Lots of energy, man, LOTS of energy! And I know that this is normal and that everything's gonna change once I "do it" and suddenly that area of my life is gonna open up and bada bing bada boom I feel like a man, right? Right? Yeah. Right.

I got my 21-year-old little sister telling me that I don't know what it's like because I'm still a virgin, for cryin out loud! Thanks, sis. Now I feel HALF an inch tall instead of the full inch. And then I look at some of the women that I see pregnant and the guys that they're with and I'm thinkin "Surely I'm more appealing than THAT!" I feel like I'm missing out. Is this normal?

I'm 26. And I've got friends who are the same age as me OR YOUNGER and have 2 or 3 kids by now! It's not just about having sex...there's stuff that goes WITH it! I feel like an incomplete human being, like my experience as a homo sapien is missing a vital piece of the puzzle. And it's something critical, something that can't be faked, can't be duplicated in any way, shape or form. Sexual intercourse with a member of the opposite sex changes EVERYTHING...and after shutting down my emotions like I have been...well...I don't even know if the intimacy I crave would be met there anyway.

I don't want sex, really. I mean, I DO...but...it's not just the physical that I seek. It's that bonding...that soul uniting that takes place. That oneness. <staff edit>

So what can I do? How do you cope with a total lack of intimacy in your life? We NEED physical touch! I need it! I've gone so long without it I am actually SCARED of it! The vulnerability it takes to receive that touch....but still there is a part of me that is screaming, "TOUCH ME!! For GOD'S sake somebody please just touch me!" Now I know how the lepers felt when Jesus put his hands on them. Why they banded together...no one else would touch them. The woman with the 12 year issue of blood....no one could touch her.

<staff edit> Not like that...not like that... So how do you deal with it? How do you...fix...that feeling? Make it go away...how do you NOT crave that tenderness and affection? I want it so badly it makes me weak...like somebody sucked all the wind out of me. What do I do? Indeed, what CAN I do? I would appreciate your thoughts, as always.

I truly feel for you. I could have easily written your post. (By the way, I'm about 11-12 years older than you.)

Some days, I ache to be held so much that I'm either in tears or nearly so. I, too, crave just being touched. It's amazing what a simple hand shake can do.

If it makes you feel any better, I've never really even dated, much less been kissed!

My church is not an option for meeting that special someone. There aren't many close to my age...most of those that are...well...they're already married or have just divorced.

Perhaps moving on...as I'm considering doing will have some added benefits.

In friendship, I'm sending a hug your way.

Blessings...