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15th August 2008, 07:41 AM
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 | | Join Date: 4th January 2005 Location: ny
Posts: 16,570
Blessings: 2,282,826,242 My Mood 
Reps: 4,596,388,095,160,509,440 (power: 4,596,388,095,160,534) | | | This is not going to be a good day i can tell already. got on the scale and didn't ;ile what i saw. plus i have other things going on in my life now i am soooooooooooo not happy with. i feel like a horrible person.maybe i should just cancel my dr's appt and stay in bed where it is safe.
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15th August 2008, 01:29 PM
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50
| | Join Date: 4th January 2005 Location: ny
Posts: 16,570
Blessings: 2,282,826,242 My Mood
Reps: 4,596,388,095,160,509,440 (power: 4,596,388,095,160,534) | | Lord Take these thoughts away from me... it just would not be fair
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16th August 2008, 01:23 AM
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50
| | Join Date: 4th January 2005 Location: ny
Posts: 16,570
Blessings: 2,282,826,242 My Mood
Reps: 4,596,388,095,160,509,440 (power: 4,596,388,095,160,534) | | | Lord thank you for lessing those toughts from my mind yesterday, they are still there but not as strong, went back on my meds maybe that will keep me alive just another day for what i am not to sure, i do not want to be here.buit i have 5 kids, that need me, whatever good i am to them. but i am starting to resent the fact i have to be here for them, and i do not want to .that is selfish, if i just take take my own life my pain is over with, but theres just begins, and i have thought long and hard about it, making it look like an accident verses on purpose, but i just cannot do it with 5 kids just not fair what did they do to deserve that? so i sit here in a deep dark depression resenting everyone.
overate yesterday, even the dr was thrilled at "howgood i looked" so now i need to lose at least 15 lbs.which will bring me down to 85lbs. ohh i feel so large. i hate the way i feel i feel like my life is crumbling around me....and theres nothing i can do about it.
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17th August 2008, 06:48 AM
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50
| | Join Date: 4th January 2005 Location: ny
Posts: 16,570
Blessings: 2,282,826,242 My Mood
Reps: 4,596,388,095,160,509,440 (power: 4,596,388,095,160,534) | | | sleeping my life away, although i did go for a walk yesterday morning i did try for a jog, but when you haven't jogged for a while its hard to just get outthere and go, so i dragged myself for a 2 mile walk, plan on doing the same thing this morning, need to do something to help myself, but i so don;t want to all i do is want to crawl back in bed. took a nice 4 hr nap yesterday, felt so good.then went to bed at 8.30.
going to the ocean today early, i will be able to sleep there. i went back on all my meds and upped my dose of wellbutrin, they give you enegry, so we'll see if that helps.going back to work next week can't go back like this.
still having those those of not wanting to live, but as long as i stay sleeping they remain at bay, and they aren't so strong. i am just going through the motions of life.
i have not gotton on the scale, i don't need to to know i weigh too much, so i am trying not to eat, and if i do i am eating low cal foods and if i eat high cal foods i just purge it..... see how out of control my life has become. and then i wonder why i would want to live anymore?
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18th August 2008, 01:55 AM
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50
| | Join Date: 4th January 2005 Location: ny
Posts: 16,570
Blessings: 2,282,826,242 My Mood
Reps: 4,596,388,095,160,509,440 (power: 4,596,388,095,160,534) | | Went for another walk yesterday morning, it seems to be helping with my mood,a little, still isolating, butnot crying allday. but still eating more then i am used to, and can;t figure out why.i am 103.  can;t be 103,makes me obsess all day long.i figured if i can lose 2 lbs a week buy 6 weeks i can be 85lbsish. sounds logical, but never works out that way when you get down to a low weight.
went to the ocean yesterday got there about 9.30am, whata perfect day the Lord had made.not a cloud in the sky, it was about 80 degrees.
but when you went into the water there were man-o-war in there and they give off little stingy particials so when came out of the water u were scatching and burning all over had to go to the shower to rinse off, get that all off you.
my mother is coming over tonight not looking forward to that at all.
oh one more thing my hair is falling out again and have no idea why, espeicailly since i a eating, really thinning out alot...just hope it does notget as bad as last time when i had to cut it all off.
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18th August 2008, 06:54 AM
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50
| | Join Date: 4th January 2005 Location: ny
Posts: 16,570
Blessings: 2,282,826,242 My Mood
Reps: 4,596,388,095,160,509,440 (power: 4,596,388,095,160,534) | | | well i just had a hard boiled egg 70 calories and a half and apple.
now if i go and walk/jog that will burn those calories and i will be in the negative.
oh you just don't understand how distgusting i feel with all this weight on me...
i am embarressed to be seen out in public looking like this.
so hard boiled eggs are filling, if i can live on that and tea i will be fine.
oh and lots of exercise, need to be in the negitive.
always stay in the negative. need to keep telling myself that.
i am going for it this time, i really hope. 85lbs.
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19th August 2008, 04:59 AM
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50
| | Join Date: 4th January 2005 Location: ny
Posts: 16,570
Blessings: 2,282,826,242 My Mood
Reps: 4,596,388,095,160,509,440 (power: 4,596,388,095,160,534) | | Work today and PTL iam feeling better. meds must be finally starting to take effect. i won't say i feel 100% better but a whole lot better, and the scale now reads 100lbs so thats also going down too which also make me feel good about myself. ya know i sit here and think about it and 85 lbs i know is thin, and fraile and so not healthy, but thats what i need to be, that what the eating disorder is telling me to be and i am not in a place right now to fight with it, but the good thing is i have therapy today and we will be talking with it, and see why it feels like i need to get so dangerously low. i do know though if i go past 97 i won't be seeing my therapist any longer. we made an agreement i would stay above that weight....stupid agreements.
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20th August 2008, 06:13 PM
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50
| | Join Date: 4th January 2005 Location: ny
Posts: 16,570
Blessings: 2,282,826,242 My Mood
Reps: 4,596,388,095,160,509,440 (power: 4,596,388,095,160,534) | | | been feeling better lately. went back on my meds,and my eating is under control, and my weight is dropping. i think if i can lose 2 lbs a week i can get to 85lbs in 6 weeks,we'll see.
been working, got my shedule, we;ll be working alot, we need the money so thats good.
not much to say talk more later
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21st August 2008, 05:59 AM
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50
| | Join Date: 4th January 2005 Location: ny
Posts: 16,570
Blessings: 2,282,826,242 My Mood
Reps: 4,596,388,095,160,509,440 (power: 4,596,388,095,160,534) | | | I ate last night around 11 oclock, i had 1 1/2 bowls of cereal, what was i thinking? first to be eating that last and then to be eating at all? now my stomach is all bloated and now i am feeling fat again and depressed. this has to stop and the only way its gonna stop is if i get to 85lbs. now the logical side of me says ok you ate the cereal, you can still lose 2 lbs this week, go for your run jog 2xs today that should help.
been so tired lately, i am sure its the anemia, not taing the iron, or the b12 shots. i should call to go in and get one.maybe tomorrow.when i am ready to get on the scale again
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23rd August 2008, 02:39 PM
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50
| | Join Date: 4th January 2005 Location: ny
Posts: 16,570
Blessings: 2,282,826,242 My Mood
Reps: 4,596,388,095,160,509,440 (power: 4,596,388,095,160,534) | | | can you believe they get there shedules for school thier teachers and in there packets one teacher is MISSING?????????????? and it is saturday????????? she is crying, so dh is driving her to a teachers house that we know and hopefully sher has a way to figure out who she has??stupid. how do u forget the most important part?
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