Let's Make Each Other Laugh

LOL, and there's a few in my neighborhood too.

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God didn't send His Son to pay for the forgiveness of your sin, and then decide He is going to require you to make installment payments. He only requires you to believe that the FULL PAYMENT was done, over 2000 yr. ago..........then you'll stop trying to make the installments on something you could never pay for anyway. The Good News is that you are debt free!

I believe there is a hell and you won’t go there for what you do, but for what you BELIEVE. (answer: Believe on the Lord Jesus!)

The new Supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of a thunderstorm and the smell of fresh rain.
When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh butter fat.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of eggs frying.

So far I have been too afraid to go down the toilet paper aisle.

For Everything Else, There’s TasterCard

Gift Shop | United Kingdom
Me: “That’s £26.50, please.”
Customer: “Can I pay by card?”
Me: “Sure. Please enter your card into the machine, and then put in your pin code.”
Customer: “Right, are these machines waterproof?”
Me: “I’m sorry, sir?”
Customer: “I wouldn’t get an electric shock from one, would I?”
Me: “Err, no?”
(Suddenly, the customer bends his head down and uses his mouth to cover up the keys. He then uses his tongue to try and push down the numbers of his pin code.)
Me: “Sir, I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to stop! That’s incredibly unhygenic.”
Customer: “But it’s the only way to keep it safe!”
Me: “Have you considered covering the keys with your hand instead of your mouth?”
Customer: “Yes, but it’s not as safe!”
Me: “I’m afraid we’re just going to have to risk that. We can’t have you licking our machines.”
Customer: “Bah!”




*these are real experiences

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Acute Mental Failure

Hospital | Greenville, SC, USA
(Note: At our hospital, patients are called into private registration rooms where all demographic information is completed.)
Me: “Come on in and we’ll get your paperwork ready.”
(The patient enters room and I close the door.)
Me: “So, how are you?”
Patient: “…”
(There are 2 large comfy chairs in front of the patient, but she’s still standing.)
Me:“Uh…everything ok?”
Patient: “…”
Me: “Well, uh, so…what procedure are you having today?”
Patient: “…”
Me: “Is that your doctor’s order?”
Patient: “…”
(The patient throws the paper at me. It has most of the info I need to register her, so I don’t ask any more questions. After a minute, I have all of her paperwork ready. During this entire time, still hasn’t sat down.)
Me: “Alright, here is your face sheet. If you’ll go down the hall and hand that to radiology they’ll take care of the rest.”
Patient: “Let me ask you a question now. Why didn’t you tell me to have a seat? You are the most rude person I have ever met!”
(She takes her papers and pushes on the door to open it, not realizing she needs to pull.)
Patient: “Ahhhh! Let me out of here, he’s locked me in! Help, help!”
(The patient knocks over my computer, flips the chairs and starts throwing stuff at me; I hide under the desk during her rampage. Hearing the commotion, security comes in and the patient runs out of the room and out of the hospital, never to be seen again. Afterwards…)
Security: “They really should start paying you more.”

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I used to work at a newspaper. Part of my job was writing headlines for stories. I didn't write any of the following, but some make you look twice.

"Police raid gun shop, find weapons"

"Transvestite arrested for male fraud"

"Patients to sue seven foot doctors"

"Scientists discover crack in Uranus"

And a classic last year from a New Jersey paper on a fire at a psychiatric ward:

"Roasted nuts"

And the classic from Natchez, Mississippi, right across the Mississippi River from the town of Waterproof, Louisiana:

"Two Waterproof negros drown"

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God didn't send His Son to pay for the forgiveness of your sin, and then decide He is going to require you to make installment payments. He only requires you to believe that the FULL PAYMENT was done, over 2000 yr. ago..........then you'll stop trying to make the installments on something you could never pay for anyway. The Good News is that you are debt free!

I believe there is a hell and you won’t go there for what you do, but for what you BELIEVE. (answer: Believe on the Lord Jesus!)

__________________
God didn't send His Son to pay for the forgiveness of your sin, and then decide He is going to require you to make installment payments. He only requires you to believe that the FULL PAYMENT was done, over 2000 yr. ago..........then you'll stop trying to make the installments on something you could never pay for anyway. The Good News is that you are debt free!

I believe there is a hell and you won’t go there for what you do, but for what you BELIEVE. (answer: Believe on the Lord Jesus!)

The best! Mark Gungor

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God didn't send His Son to pay for the forgiveness of your sin, and then decide He is going to require you to make installment payments. He only requires you to believe that the FULL PAYMENT was done, over 2000 yr. ago..........then you'll stop trying to make the installments on something you could never pay for anyway. The Good News is that you are debt free!

I believe there is a hell and you won’t go there for what you do, but for what you BELIEVE. (answer: Believe on the Lord Jesus!)

LIFE AFTER DEATH :
"DO YOU BELIEVE IN LIFE AFTER DEATH?" THE BOSS ASKED ONE OF HIS EMPLOYEES.
"YES, SIR," THE NEW EMPLOYEE REPLIED.
"WELL, THEN, THAT MAKES EVERYTHING JUST FINE," THE BOSS WENT ON. "AFTER YOU LEFT EARLY YESTERDAY TO GO TO YOUR GRANDMOTHER'S FUNERAL, SHE STOPPED IN TO SEE YOU!


PALM SUNDAY:
IT WAS PALM SUNDAY AND, BECAUSE OF A SORE THROAT, FIVE-YEAR-OLD JOHNNY STAYED HOME FROM CHURCH WITH A SITTER. WHEN THE FAMILY RETURNED HOME, THEY WERE CARRYING SEVERAL PALM BRANCHES. THE BOY ASKED WHAT THEY WERE FOR. "PEOPLE HELD THEM OVER JESUS' HEAD AS HE WALKED BY."
"WOULDN'T YOU KNOW IT," THE BOY FUMED, "THE ONE SUNDAY I DON'T GO, HE SHOWS UP!"

CHILDREN'S SERMON:
ONE EASTER SUNDAY MORNING AS THE MINISTER WAS PREACHING THE CHILDREN'S SERMON, HE REACHED INTO HIS BAG OF PROPS AND PULLED OUT AN EGG. HE POINTED AT THE EGG AND ASKED THE CHILDREN, "WHAT'S IN HERE?" "I KNOW!" A LITTLE BOY EXCLAIMED. "PANTYHOSE!! "

SUPPORT A FAMILY :
THE PROSPECTIVE FATHER-IN-LAW ASKED, "YOUNG MAN, CAN YOU SUPPORT A FAMILY?"
THE SURPRISED GROOM-TO-BE REPLIED, "WELL, NO. I WAS JUST PLANNING TO SUPPORT YOUR DAUGHTER. THE REST OF YOU WILL HAVE TO FEND FOR YOURSELVES."

FIRST TIME USHERS ! :
A LITTLE BOY IN CHURCH FOR THE FIRST TIME WATCHED AS THE USHERS PASSED AROUND THE OFFERING PLATES.
WHEN THEY CAME NEAR HIS PEW, THE BOY SAID LOUDLY, "DON'T PAY FOR ME DADDY. I'M UNDER FIVE."

PRAYERS :
THE SUNDAY SCHOOL TEACHER ASKED, "NOW, JOHNNY, TELL ME, DO YOU SAY PRAYERS BEFORE EATING?""NO SIR," HE REPLIED, "WE DON'T HAVE TO, MY MOM IS A GOOD COOK!"

CLIMB THE WALLS :
"OH, I SURE AM HAPPY TO SEE YOU," THE LITTLE BOY SAID TO HIS GRANDMOTHER ON HIS MOTHER'S SIDE. "NOW MAYBE DADDY WILL DO THE TRICK HE HAS BEEN PROMISING US."
THE GRANDMOTHER WAS CURIOUS. "WHAT TRICK IS THAT?" SHE ASKED.
"I HEARD HIM TELL MOMMY THAT HE WOULD CLIMB THE WALLS IF YOU CAME TO VISIT," THE LITTLE BOY ANSWERED.

THE MOOD RING:
MY HUSBAND BOUGHT ME A MOOD RING THE OTHER DAY. WHEN I'M IN A GOOD MOOD IT TURNS GREEN. WHEN I'M IN A BAD MOOD, IT LEAVES A RED MARK ON HIS FOREHEAD.
.
THE WATER PISTOL:
WHEN MY THREE-YEAR-OLD SON OPENED THE BIRTHDAY GIFT FROM HIS GRANDMOTHER, HE DISCOVERED A WATER PISTOL.. HE SQUEALED WITH DELIGHT AND HEADED FOR THE NEAREST SINK.
I WAS NOT SO PLEASED. I TURNED TO MOM AND SAID, "I'M SURPRISED AT YOU. DON'T YOU REMEMBER HOW WE USED TO DRIVE YOU CRAZY WITH WATER GUNS?"
MOM SMILED AND THEN REPLIED..... "I REMEMBER!!"

LITTLE DAVIE
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Davie stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Davie ?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

GRANDMA'S AGE:
LITTLE JOHNNY ASKED HIS GRANDMA! HOW OLD SHE WAS.
GRANDMA ANSWERED, "39 AND HOLDING."
JOHNNY THOUGHT FOR A MOMENT, AND THEN SAID, "AND HOW OLD WOULD YOU BE IF YOU LET GO?"
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Little Davie watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.
"Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked Little Davie. "Giving up?"

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The flesh revels in the soul’s demise.
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Prov 6 :23 "For the commandment is a lamp; and the law is light; and reproofs of instruction are the way of life. "


1 John 1:6-7 "If we claim to have fellowship with him yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live by the truth. But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Yeshua, his Son, purifies us from all sin."
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The Evil one hides in our secrets. Reveal our secrets, and we reveal the Evil one and he flees

Okay, okay, stop me if you heard this one...

A priest, a rabbi, and a minister all walk into a bar.
The rabbi says to the minister, "What is this? A joke?"

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If you silence God's voice,
you limit His choice.