I wise man once said if America ever had a black President 'pigs would fly'.....and sure enough, 100 days into his presidency, swine flu!
__________________ God didn't send His Son to pay for the forgiveness of your sin, and then decide He is going to require you to make installment payments. He only requires you to believe that the FULL PAYMENT was done, over 2000 yr. ago..........then you'll stop trying to make the installments on something you could never pay for anyway. The Good News is that you are debt free!
I believe there is a hell and you won’t go there for what you do, but for what you BELIEVE. (answer: Believe on the Lord Jesus!)
God loves you, and there is nothing you can do or say about it!
People begin complaining that airlines were charging extra fees for large passengers, who could not fit into a single, regulation-size seat. Seeing the potential for a new market, an enterprising entreprenauer started a new airline with larger seats in coach. All at no extra cost.
Desperate to attract customers, the airline started an advertising campaign. The slogan was: "Jumbo Jets Express. When pigs fly, they fly with us."
Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 5 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!"
The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough, there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Funeral services for Ed have been scheduled for Friday.
Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 5 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!"
The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough, there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Funeral services for Ed have been scheduled for Friday.
ROFLOL
__________________ Will EVERYBODY be allowed to break into people's homes on Christmas Eve, or just the fat white men in red suits????
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__________________ "Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly" -Sanctus Real
Teacher: Class; I will give $5.00 to the person who can give me the correct answer to this question. Who was the most important man that ever lived?
Susie raises her hand and says: Abraham Lincoln!
Teacher: No Susie, But that was a good answer.
Billy raises his hand and says: Gorge Washington!
Teacher: No Billy, But that was a good answer.
Yoshi raises his hand and says: Jesus Christ!
Teacher: Yes Yoshi! Come up and get your $5.00.
When Yoshi goes up to get his $5.00,
Teacher; Yoshi your Jewish aren’t you?
Yoshi: Yes mama I am.
Teacher; I would think you would have said “Moses was the most important man that ever lived”.
Yoshi; He was! But business is business!
----
God will provide for us A young woman brings home her fiancé to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancée to his study for a drink.
"So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man.
"I am a Torah scholar." he replies.
"A Torah scholar. Hmmm," the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?"
"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."
"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father.
"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us."
"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"
"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiancé.
The conversation precedes like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide.
Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?"
The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is, he thinks I'm God." ----
(1) Q: What do you call an uncircumcised Jew who is more than 8 days old? A girl.
(2) Q: What did the waiter ask the group of Jewish mothers? "Is anything OK?"
(3) How many Jewish mothers does it take the change a light bulb? (Sigh) Don't bother, I'll sit in the dark, I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody. ---- RIDDLE #1 What’s better than God? What’s more evil than the devil? Poor people have it? Rich people want it? And if you eat it, you die? ---- Father speech Note: In this fictitious speech, Sarah is the bride or groom's mother
Before I begin, I want you all to know that Sarah has instructed me: - not to be witty; not to be humorous; and not to be intellectual. In fact she said, “Just be yourself”.
Sarah has also asked me to check that my instructions on how to get here were accurate and that everyone has managed to find their way here tonight……so! if I could just check by asking, “All those not yet here, please raise your left hand”. Thank you. ---- RIDDLE #2 Abe the Great’s Achilles heel It’s hard to believe I know, but Abe is the strongest man in the world. Calling himself Abe The Great, he won the title in 2001 and has held it ever since. His speciality is lifting heavy weights above his head and holding them there longer than anyone else can. One day, his friend Cyril asks him, “What’s the most difficult thing you’ve ever held, Abe?” Abe replies, “There is one thing that weighs almost nothing yet I always find it impossible to hold for more than a few minutes.” WHAT IS IT?
----
__________________ The flesh revels in the soul’s demise. ---- Prov 6 :23 "For the commandment is a lamp; and the law is light; and reproofs of instruction are the way of life. "
1 John 1:6-7 "If we claim to have fellowship with him yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live by the truth. But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Yeshua, his Son, purifies us from all sin." ----
The Evil one hides in our secrets. Reveal our secrets, and we reveal the Evil one and he flees
This was told by a great comedian by the name of Red Skelton.
After Church one day a little boy goes up to the preacher and asks, “Is it true that when god made man he made him from the dust of the earth?” “Yes” said the Preacher! The little boy asked. ”Is it also true that when someone dies they return back to the dust of the earth”? “Yes” said the Preacher! “Why do you ask”?. Little boy says, “Sir, you need to get to my house right away. Because there is somebody coming or going under my bed. ----
RIDDLE #3 The Polar expedition decision Shlomo, Abe, Issy and Louis were on an expedition together to the North Pole and, not surprisingly, were in difficulties. They were facing a freezing night and were down to their last match. They have a small gas fire, an oil lamp and a stove full of wood. WHICH SHOULD THEY LIGHT FIRST TO SURVIVE THE FREEZING NIGHT? ---- A man walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He says he's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the man hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz SL 500. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank. he has the title, and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the man for using a $110,000 Benz as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the man returns. He repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The man replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?" ---- RIDDLE #4 The mysterious directions Benjamin and Hyman get lost while walking in the forest. Benjamin starts walking in a northerly direction and Hyman starts walking in a southerly direction. 15 minutes later, they meet each other. HOW CAN THIS HAPPEN? ----
Ole left Norway and moved to Minnesota where he bought him a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day, the farmer drove up and said "Ole, I have some bad news. The donkey died last night. "Well" said Ole, "just give me back the 100 dollars". "I can’t" said the farmer "I all ready spent it."
"Ok den ust unload dat donkey".
"What are you going to do with him"?
"I’m going to raffle him off".
"You can’t raffle a dead donkey you dumb Norwegian".
"Well dats where you are wrong! You wait and learn how smart we Norwegians are".
A month later the farmer ran into Ole and asked "What happened with the dead donkey?"
"I raffled dat donkey off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made 998 dollars".
"Didn’t anyone complain?"
Just dat guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars ---- RIDDLE #1 SO WHAT’S THE ANSWER TO THIS RIDDLE? “Nothing”.
RIDDLE #2 His breath
RIDDLE #3 The Match
RIDDLE #4 Benjamin and Hyman had not gone for a walk together and were within 30 minutes walk from each other when they got lost separately.
__________________ The flesh revels in the soul’s demise. ---- Prov 6 :23 "For the commandment is a lamp; and the law is light; and reproofs of instruction are the way of life. "
1 John 1:6-7 "If we claim to have fellowship with him yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live by the truth. But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Yeshua, his Son, purifies us from all sin." ----
The Evil one hides in our secrets. Reveal our secrets, and we reveal the Evil one and he flees
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