bliz...
If you don't mind me asking, how in the world do you have any adult time with your husband with all the kids all over you all the time? I have always wondered how in biblical times a man could be in bed with his family as if that was the norm. Believe me, I would love to have Elianna next to me as I slept. What a cuddly teddy bear she is! If our bed was bigger (if her Papa was less of bed hog) and if I could be positive she'd sleep in her own space someday, I'd set to work convincing her Papa that's the way we should go. I wish I knew a happy couple who co-sleeps. The last thing I want is for either of us to resent our daughter.
Since I've been thinking about it and listening for God's word on the matter, I have started leaning toward keeping her physically close as much as possible. BUT...my man an I are very active in the intimacy department and we also treasure our evening time when the baby's asleep. That's the only time every day I have available to think solely about him. I value my husband's needs just as much as Elianna's though they are far easier to accommodate. Where is the balance? How can it possibly work?
People always asked me about this, and my response usually was "Oh, you mean you and your husband have sex, in bed, at night! Wow! We'll have to try that sometime!"
There are other rooms in the house, and other times of day, depending on your schedules, and once sound asleep, sleeping babies sleep deeply and can be relocated. Often I would go to bed early with the kids and hubby would wake me up when he came to bed and we'd have time together then, time when I was also fairly refreshed after a few hours sleep.
The early child reariing years are hard. We don't talk enough about that and so it often comes as a horrible surprise to new moms. We talk about how beautiful the baby is and how wonderful children are and skip the part of the physical pain of beeing awakened for the 6th time in a short night's sleep and functioning in a state of sleep deprevation. Or, if we do talk about it, we get looks like we are the worst mommy in the world.
You are quite right to want to keep your marriage relationship healthy. So many women become mommy first, and wife, second. A family is founded on the marriage and so your husband's and your needs are important. And you and he are the adults who can comprehend much more of what is going on, while your child cannot. Babies needs aren't more important than dad's, but at times they are more urgent.
Sometimes balance is imposssible, and this is where communication between you and your spouse is crucial. Both of you, as parents, will need to give up on some of your wants and needs to take care of the needs of your kids. Right now, there's much more demand on you than on him.
We can spend time, but we can also invest it. When we meet our kid's needs we are investing it into the kind of people they will become. People who do not have the needs met when they are young end up trying all sorts of ways to meet those unmet needs as adults . Babies need all the love an affection they can get.
thanks Jan and bliz again for all you've contributed. All of you ladies are wonderful with such a wealth of different points of view. I'm glad I came here to seek support.
Jan ,
yeah, we use Rice milk right now because some brands of Soy make my mouth feel funny and my stomach ache a little. Almond milk is yummy but a tad expensive, as is hempmilk. But she's got to have more protein than rice milk if I'm gonna wean her. Hopefully we can find a soymilk that doesn't cause any upset.
Bliz,
You're so right about the hard years. And it's true I feel like I can't complain otherwise I'm some kinda awful mom. That's why I'll post here more. Even though people have strong opinions I know we are most likely all sisters in Christ with only the best intentions. Elianna is sleeping soundly in her crib right now and I continue to wait on God for more guidance.
If you *really* want baby to sleep in her crib, is there a place (by the bed or couch) where you could move the crib right up next to you? Then, she could see (and even touch) you while being in her own bed! She'd be reassured that sleeping in her own bed *doesn't* mean mommy's not available.
Our kids actually *never* slept in crib or toddler bed. We figured out it was the *mattress* that they didn't like! At 1, could you try a twin mattress on the floor, so it feels more like your bed?
Rachel
__________________ Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Philippians 2:3
11What goes into a man's mouth does not make him 'unclean,' but what comes out of his mouth, that is what makes him 'unclean.' " Matthew 15:11
26If anyone considers himself religious and yet does not keep a tight rein on his tongue, he deceives himself and his religion is worthless. James 1:26
6The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell. James 3:6
10For, "Whoever would love life and see good days must keep his tongue from evil and his lips from deceitful speech. 1 Peter 3:10
As for "adult time" with a bed full of kids, we found that they sleep very soundly in with us, and it was never a problem for my wife and I to have time to "ourselves" (even if we wern't by ourselves)!
Besides, a little extra rocking never hurts!
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So I made a horrible mistake in nursing her to sleep from birth, rocking her to sleep, and then finally getting so tired she ended up cosleeping with us. Now I want her to sleep in her crib and she insists on being held. When she can't be held she wakes up every two hours and won't go back to sleep unless I am standing right by her crib where she can see me. We sleep in the same room and as soon as I get into bed she's up and screaming for me.
Last night I got barely any sleep and earplugs aren't working. How in the world do I get her to sleep by herself? She cries until she throws up. She won't take naps and that makes her even more irritable. I recently quit smoking so I could stop wasting time away from her. She can cry for over an hour without much of a break, two hours with a little siesta to refuel her.
I have tried not picking her up in the night but then she wants me to stand there at 2am until she falls asleep. It takes her three times as long to fall asleep (we're talking a half an hour) if I'm not holding her.
I'm still breastfeeding but I need to wean her. I figure one drama at a time. She's actually screaming for me right now and I don't know what to do.
God help me.
Why do you need to wean her? Why is sleeping with your baby a mistake??
Do y'all get more sleep if you nurse her to sleep and back to sleep at night while she's in your bed? If so, I wonder why you want to change things? The time will come when she will transition easier to her own sleep space--but my advice would be to wait until a time after the big bouts of separation anxiety which typically take place before major milestones- most usually from 14-16 months and again from about 18-22 months.
I am pregnant with our 6th..and all the other 5 have slept with us for at least part of the night, I have nursed and held or rocked all 5 to sleep and all 5 are now in their own sleep space and go to bed with no fuss (sometimes some shenanigans, but without anxiety or fears or climbing into bed with us in the middle of the night.
I dunno- I go with the path of lest resistance, with whatever means the most people get the most sleep...irrespective of what other people think is the "right" way.
Do you have a sling or a mei tai or a moby wrap that you can wear your daughter in throughout the day??
(((hug))) I know it's just.so.hard. right now.... it takes over your whole world. But it is true....that it will pass...and that you can endure, and that at the other side of it all you will be a better parent than you were going into this time of intense struggle.
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I have rocked/nursed my daughter to sleep since she was born and don't think it was a mistake at all. She is 22 mos old now and i still nurse her to sleep and she still sleeps in our bed. I did the same with my son but he weaned himself from nursing at 15 mos but still slept with us till a month before his third birthday then easily transitioned into his own bed. I find it is easier for everyone to sleep.
As far as intimate time with hubby, we have no problem with that. We have a bed in my daughters room even though she doesnt sleep in it yet and hubby and i often have our intimacy in that bed while daughter is sound asleep in our bed. She goes to bed a good hour or more before we do. i nurse her and when she falls asleep i put her in our bed. We climb into bed a bit later when we are ready to sleep. We found getting the crib out of her room (which was never used anyway) and putting a BED in her room solved all our problems so we have that extra bed for time for US. Think about something like that if your not sure how you and hubby can have your own time.
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Two years ago I had my eighth child, and right from the beginning he was not a good sleeper. He would sleep if he was with me, but would wake as soon as he was put in the cot. Day sleeps were few and far between, and he would wake 6-7 times through the night. In the end I was sleeping more in the rocking chair, then I was in bed. In the end in desparation for some sleep I moved his cot beside the bed, (first time ever I have done this) took off one of the side panels and put him there. Finally he would sleep through the night with waking me a couple of times for 30sec reasurance feeds, then he would sleep again. He also started having a sleep through the day (gasp!!) for a good couple of hours. Both he and I are different people now that we are getting some sleep, and he has calmed down and is not so agitated if he is not with me.
If it is a food aleregy issue than that is another matter all together and needs to be looked into. Cramping tummies do not make for happy babies.
Best of luck.
Thanks again to all who replied. She sleeps better now in her own crib. I think it was cramping tummy that had her so upset. Now she has a stuffy nose and since she sucks her fingers (almost time to post about that) she wakes up frustrated that she can't breathe out of her nose. Other than that she's sleeping well. My husband has also seen my stress and by the influence of God's Holy Spirit is turning over a new leaf in helping me bear the sleeptime load. God is good to have touched his heart for me. I continue to pray that my husband will grow in God's love enough so he doesn't feel the weight at all. I'm still learning to exchange my yoke for Jesus'.
Anyway, belssings to you all for your words.
-Diana
akeng, is it so hard to take notice that godanswers' baby is a she and not an it? If you can't be considerate enough to read enough to pick up on the fact that her baby has a real gender, why respond? Unless your intention was one of pure sarcasm and still, is it necessary?
At 1, could you try a twin mattress on the floor, so it feels more like your bed?
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