I dont often start a thread, I reply to threads mostly, but I just had to get things out and see what others thought.
Its 6am right now and I have been awake for 2 hours now, going on very little sleep and last night I had a terrible feeling that something was missing. now I am on that side of things where I feel I must be heard or I will disappear or something, what a day this will be.
Does anyone else feel this way sometimes? that you just have to be noticed...or that you are invisible?
I know one thing, I am not going to give up on myself cause God wont either . its hard to go through hard times though and I hope I can make it.
I wonder what God has in store for me? why did he afflict me with this mind? and if he didnt, why did he allow it? there must be a reason, there are reasons behind everything God does. I have to figure it out. I cant read my bible right now because it is dark and I dont want to turn the light on, my brother is visiting and sleeping on the couch, if I turn on the light it may wake him and he has a long drive ahead of him today, so I will be here all alone.
I think I am different then everyone else, for some reason I dont fit in anywhere. and why do I keep feeling wings attached to my shoulder blades? thats a tingly feeling hehe. I will ask my counsellor about that I think .
__________________ Pr 3:5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; Pr 3:6 in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.
It is always hard to go through periods of mental deception. These periods don't go away by themselves unfortunately and they may get worse before they get better. The thing is please don't allow the thoughts to make you feel different from everyone else- especially the wings!!!!! You don't have wings( I think you know that but something is telling you you do). The key to getting over this is to realize you are no different than anyone else- especially in terms of humility but also in terms of any other sense. I am praying for you.
__________________ Taking your SELF out of what you present yourself to be is harder than killing yourself but it is certainly a lot more rewarding.
It is always hard to go through periods of mental deception. These periods don't go away by themselves unfortunately and they may get worse before they get better. The thing is please don't allow the thoughts to make you feel different from everyone else- especially the wings!!!!! You don't have wings( I think you know that but something is telling you you do). The key to getting over this is to realize you are no different than anyone else- especially in terms of humility but also in terms of any other sense. I am praying for you.
Thank you maybenotcrazy
I will definitely think about your words here. I dont know where the wings idea comes from, but a lot of times I feel them, like they are really there :O. I dont understand it. I know I am just a man in God's eyes and will not be anything more then that, but it seems he singled me out for some purpose or maybe I am a fallen angel :O.
I had a dream about that once, I was an angel of God and there was this massive civil war in the Kingdom of Heavan, angel against angel and God was on his throne. anyways, I was an angel that kept switching sides. After the war was over God called me to his throne and I was suprised to see that God was female :O I thought, "what is this?!" and then he/she sent me to earth to learn humility and to renew my love for God. I was forgiven my sin of indecision, but lost my status as an angel, now I am a mere man and have salvation through Christ.
do I even know what I am talking about? I like it here because I can let go of the strong facade a bit and really say how I feel. anyways, I guess thats where the idea of wings came from, maybe that dream had a bigger effect on me then I thought. cause I physically feel something attached to my shoulder blades, its a tingly feeling and it comes and goes. maybe I should see a doctor or a dermatologist or something :O.
__________________ Pr 3:5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; Pr 3:6 in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.
I will definitely think about your words here. I dont know where the wings idea comes from, but a lot of times I feel them, like they are really there :O. I dont understand it. I know I am just a man in God's eyes and will not be anything more then that, but it seems he singled me out for some purpose or maybe I am a fallen angel :O.
I had a dream about that once, I was an angel of God and there was this massive civil war in the Kingdom of Heavan, angel against angel and God was on his throne. anyways, I was an angel that kept switching sides. After the war was over God called me to his throne and I was suprised to see that God was female :O I thought, "what is this?!" and then he/she sent me to earth to learn humility and to renew my love for God. I was forgiven my sin of indecision, but lost my status as an angel, now I am a mere man and have salvation through Christ.
do I even know what I am talking about? I like it here because I can let go of the strong facade a bit and really say how I feel. anyways, I guess thats where the idea of wings came from, maybe that dream had a bigger effect on me then I thought. cause I physically feel something attached to my shoulder blades, its a tingly feeling and it comes and goes. maybe I should see a doctor or a dermatologist or something :O.
Just the fact you saw God as female should lift up a red flag! You are most definitely not a fallen angel. This is going to eat you up if you don't give it up I know that's hard. You are a man and only a man. Just think of the contradiction with the bible. I think you are deifying woman you probably are shy about them (sorry to have to be speculating like this) and see them as divine rather than as human. Maybe what will help you is to at least make friends with some women and you'll see they are human too (I mean your psyche will see it- you know that) I used to see God as my father in dreams sometimes. It made me realize that I glorified him before God and that that was a bad decision. Sadly I have to deny my father most of his respect because he is a very adamant atheist he is certainly not my god or anything near it. I think your dream meant that you feel uncertainty about your allegiance with good and evil. Don't worry. You are good. I can see it in the way you post. And the wings thing- I think that is purely demonic. The demons are "tickling you" playing with you because of your suspicion you are an angel. It will take you away from God to think thoughts like this. Please don't take it too seriously.
__________________ Taking your SELF out of what you present yourself to be is harder than killing yourself but it is certainly a lot more rewarding.
Just the fact you saw God as female should lift up a red flag! You are most definitely not a fallen angel. This is going to eat you up if you don't give it up I know that's hard. You are a man and only a man. Just think of the contradiction with the bible. I think you are deifying woman you probably are shy about them (sorry to have to be speculating like this) and see them as divine rather than as human. Maybe what will help you is to at least make friends with some women and you'll see they are human too (I mean your psyche will see it- you know that) I used to see God as my father in dreams sometimes. It made me realize that I glorified him before God and that that was a bad decision. Sadly I have to deny my father most of his respect because he is a very adamant atheist he is certainly not my god or anything near it. I think your dream meant that you feel uncertainty about your allegiance with good and evil. Don't worry. You are good. I can see it in the way you post. And the wings thing- I think that is purely demonic. The demons are "tickling you" playing with you because of your suspicion you are an angel. It will take you away from God to think thoughts like this. Please don't take it too seriously.
hmmm, well, yes, I am shy about women, always thought highly of women, I guess thats a fault though as I have been used by them and taken advantage of also. I do have a couple female friends, one owes me money though so I may be falling into that trap again :O.
As for the dream, my counsellor at the time I had that dream said pretty much the same thing you did. every once in awhile though, like this morning, I have doubts about it. and its hard for me to talk about it with anyone really, so I find it quite amazing I can talk about it here. I think I will write some of this all down in my journal and show it to my current counsellor, she will likely have some advice for me .
Thank you maybenotcrazy for taking the time to post, I appreciate the support, I really do . I have to get out of this minor delusion. I call it minor because I still seem to be able to think a bit although I am feeling a little confused. I will write all of this down then and show my counsellor on thursday .
I think what you said about me being shy and deifying women is right on the money, because I also have social anxiety diosorder and my counsellor and case manager have been trying to get me to go out more and make some new friends, a very difficult task for me. Most times, in my dreams, I see God as an old man that I have never seen before, but that one dream, God was a beautiful woman :O, you are right, that should have raised all kinds of red flags :O. I dont know why I didnt see it before. I will delve into my bible a bit today I think and read some passages in proverbs, maybe that will help . some stuff in the Gospels too, I always enjoy reading what Jesus had to say .
__________________ Pr 3:5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; Pr 3:6 in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.
I didn't mean to say you have no friends or women friends . I should really keep to myself when it comes to personal opinions. Anyway good luck. I know I'm sounding arrogant by saying it but I think that it is beyond our control how special we see ourselves but the most powerful prayer is for humility. If we are humble or at least don't see ourselves as anything other than sinful humans who don't know or experience anything other than what other humans experience (YES I KNOW WE'VE EXPERIENCED BIZARRE THINGS) and try to kill our me me me attitude, we will be more than blessed with an end to delusion (which I think you have tremendous insight on already, you're aware of it being silly) we'll be blessed by more and more love from God. I don't presume to know why schizophrenia happens but I'll tell you one thing. It has a lot to do with vulnerabilities-social disconnection, egotism, sins we've committed. The devils see us as weak and they know we will be slaves to their ideas so they say "Why not let him know we exist- just lie about who we are or make it look like we are God! After all, again don't take this the wrong way- I'm not saying we are satanists when we think the devil is god giving us messages- but the devil loves to be worshiped and if he can fool you based on your weaknesses he will do it because there is nothing good about him at all not one thing.
__________________ Taking your SELF out of what you present yourself to be is harder than killing yourself but it is certainly a lot more rewarding.
I didn't mean to say you have no friends or women friends . I should really keep to myself when it comes to personal opinions. Anyway good luck. I know I'm sounding arrogant by saying it but I think that it is beyond our control how special we see ourselves but the most powerful prayer is for humility. If we are humble or at least don't see ourselves as anything other than sinful humans who don't know or experience anything other than what other humans experience (YES I KNOW WE'VE EXPERIENCED BIZARRE THINGS) and try to kill our me me me attitude, we will be more than blessed with an end to delusion (which I think you have tremendous insight on already, you're aware of it being silly) we'll be blessed by more and more love from God. I don't presume to know why schizophrenia happens but I'll tell you one thing. It has a lot to do with vulnerabilities-social disconnection, egotism, sins we've committed. The devils see us as weak and they know we will be slaves to their ideas so they say "Why not let him know we exist- just lie about who we are or make it look like we are God! After all, again don't take this the wrong way- I'm not saying we are satanists when we think the devil is god giving us messages- but the devil loves to be worshiped and if he can fool you based on your weaknesses he will do it because there is nothing good about him at all not one thing.
I didnt mean to sound angry or nasty MNC I appreciate your opinion, thats why I posted here, to get other opinions from people who suffer from similar things that I suffer from . you werent being arrogant or anything like that in my eyes, you offered support to me and made an effort to help, I appreciate that tremendously . I like your input, you say some good things .
I agree with you on the devil thing, I always try to keep God and Jesus top most on my mind, always. whenever I feel an attack from somewhere I think of God and how much he loves me. now maybe the attack is not really an attack, but it feels like it to me. but thinking of God, plus the meds, I think most of my delusions are cut down to just bouts of confusion, rather then a full blown delusion as I tend to maintain some clear thinking and have the insight you speak of.
Again, I think you MNC for helping me stay straight on this, I still feel a bit confused but you helped me to stay grounded in the real world a bit with your words .
__________________ Pr 3:5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; Pr 3:6 in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.
. its hard to go through hard times though and I hope I can make it.
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