My marriage is in big trouble

Hi, everyone. I recently posted on the Marriage restoration forum about a "crush" I was having on a man who is not my husband. I'm working on getting that out of my system. But I think I posted that thread prematurely and should have begun with a thread that explains the issues I'm having in my marriage. So here it is from the beginning.

I'm 34 and My husband is 46. We dated for a year and got married when I discovered I was pregnant. (Yes, I understand we shouldn't have been having premarital sex. We did our best to abstain and had sex only about 4 times prior to getting married. But things happen.)

I was crazy about him at the time, as he was about me, too. There were some issues and we attempted to resolve them through honest conversation and Christian marriage counseling, which took place prior to getting married and maybe 6 months into the marriage (maybe a total of 9 months or so). Our spiritual work wasn't finished but we lost our counselor and with a new baby, jobs, other things, etc. we decided to hold off on tryin to find a new counselor.

In our almost 5 years of marriage, we've had sex only a handful of times. Only twice in the past 3 years, and both of those events were done specifically to conceive our second child.

My husband pays absolutely no attention to me. He has never once called me during the day at work to say hi. He has never once told me I look nice (and I am very committed to keeping myself together and looking good. I am a former model who forces herself to go to the gym and do all the little things that keep men interested. And lots of men **are** interested in me...just not my husband.) He doesn't say hi to me or bye. He never tells me he likes the meals I cook (and I put a lot of effort into them so they are both tasty and nutritious). I try to make conversation and he has absolutely nothing to say to me. If he responds, it will be some generic, noncommittal comment like, "Oh, OK." He is usually civil (rarely rude) to me but completely detached. He has never once initiated sex w/ me, though he knows I am very sexual and would like to have sex often. He has criticized me before for wanting to have sex and for talking flirtatiously or jovially to him. He never tries to cuddle or joke around w/ me or plan "dates" w/ me or hold my hand or flirt w/ me.

He has let his appearance go to pot. He showers only a couple of times per week, does almost no personal grooming, doesn't clean his ears, get his hair cut, wash his clothes...anything. He sometimes stinks and he makes no effort to dress nicely or stylishly. His doctor told him his cholesterol is too high and so is his blood pressure. But he does nothing about it.

When he and I first met, I told him I love to talk. My career is in the communications field and I am just a very inquisitive, chatty kind of person. And he makes zero effort to indulge me in this area. Every time I try to initiate conversation, he stops it dead. And even when we need to communication about practical things (caring for the kids, paying bills, doing errands, etc.) he goes silent on me. This has resulted in all sorts of drama like missed appointments, misunderstandings, bills getting paid twice (or not at all), missed deadlines, etc.

Sometimes he behaves in a passive-aggressive manner and will "accidentally" forget to do important things or "conveniently" do the opposite of what we've agreed upon. I ask him for simple things (please call if you'll be more than an hour late) and he won't accommodate me at all. He continues to allow his sister to treat me disrespectfully and refuses to confront her about it.

I am at the end of my rope with him. I am so frustrated that lately, all I've been doing is screaming at him, hanging up on him and slamming doors when I see him. I have lost all of my physical/sexual attraction toward him and I no longer even feel close to him emotionally or as a friend. I've tried many times to address these issues w/ him but he is very passive (or passive-aggressive) and makes no effort. Or he says we are too busy...no time. Or he blames me. Or ignores me. We've been sleeping in separate bedrooms for a few months now.

I recently developed a crush on another man (who is married). He is interested in me, too. But we are both choosing to honor our marriage vows and not pursue the attraction. I do not want to cheat on my husband and I'm afraid to divorce him (I need his support, financially and with the children, household, etc.). But I am terribly frustrated, lonely, angry and grossed out. I don't know what to do. No, I don't think he is having an affair. Nor do I think he is gay. I think he is just very emotionally lazy and aloof, and this arrangement we have is easier for him to deal with than actually trying to fix the problems we have.

A few nights ago (out of nowhere, at the suggestion of a friend), I got all fixed up, put on some lingerie and asked him if he wanted to have sex...and he said he was too tired and too busy and why should he start something he wouldn't be able to finish. (I have no idea what that means.) It's been several days and he hasn't brought it up or tried to cash in a rain check.

After this last rejection, I told him I wanted him to move out. And he just blew me off as usual...and told me to stop being so difficult.

Please help me! I am really fed up.

I would suspect something is going on with him emotionally and he doesn’t know how to deal with it. Since he isn’t taking care of himself I would questions if he is suffering from depression. The fact that he has no interest in sex at his age is very unusual but many men today are having severe problems with impotency.
From what you have described I would highly recommend getting into some good Christian counseling. His failure of his responsibilities to you and your family could well be caused by emotional problems and if that is the case your anger will only increase the problem and not help it.
If you do not have a good Christian marriage counselor then I would definitely get into a good family marriage counselor. I wouldn’t give him the option of going, just make the appointment and tell him the two of you are going. I would also ask him to talk to his doctor about his loss of sexual desire because I do know that certain physical problems can also be the culprit. This is an area that many men are too embarrassed to talk about with even their doctors but he needs to deal with it. If he is willing it might be good if you went with him to his doctors appointment or talked to his doctor yourself. He needs to understand there is nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed by.
You need to understand that you are not the problem. However looking for intimacy outside of your marriage with another man is not acceptable for a Christian. My wife and I will be praying for you and your husband.

Thank you.

Do you think is primarily sexual? But how does that explain his lack of interest in calling meor talking to me or joking around with me or even extending the basic common courtesy of caling if he's going to be late?

I can't imagine that he is depressed. Overworked, maybe. But he he is in good spirits when he plays w/ the kids or talks to other people.

Yes, maybe there is something physical going on. Or I suppose it could be depression that affects him only in certain ways.

Ugh, I believe you when you say a good Christian counselor may be the only way to go. But I am soooo angry with him and humiliated and grossed out, it would be very hard to bring myself to set up an appointment and go through the motions. How can I look at this man, who has REJECTED me in every way for the past 4 years, and say, "I want to save this marriage, honey"???

Ugh, I am so mad and hurt.

But thank you. I will pray, too.

How about you look at him like he is a really great guy and treat him well without asking him for anything? If he is only mean to you then there is something there between the two of you that has him hung up. For the life of me I can't believe that he is treating you this poorly if you are treating him well and speaking well of him to others. You talk of him like he's avoiding you which hints at you being aggressive towards him instead of being submissive and respectful. If he is older and you are demanding of him he might be shying away from you and your demands.

2 cents worth
He is sick, physically, spiritually, or mentally. He needs a complete exam- not just from a christian counselor, but from a psychiatrist or psycologist. What you are describing are symptoms of a host of diagnosises. Depression, ADD, Bi-polar, anxiety disorder... he needs diagnostic testing! This probably isn't about you-how good you are, how pretty you are, how well you treat him... He needs professional help. Whether you stick with him while he gets this help, that only you can decide.

and you think this all just happened right out of the blue after she married him? The man was in his 40's. Long past the time for such illnesses to become problematic.

Hmmmm.....I can relate to a lot of what you have said. I know a lot of people don't feel that labels are helpful and that what I am about to say sounds like a lot of pyschobabble, but your husband does sound as though he is displaying "passive/agressive" behavior. I didn't realize that fear of intimacy & fear of dependency are a big part of this personality disorder. Reading the review for the book "Living with the Passive Agressive Man" jarred me into finally realizing what was going on. Here is the one review that said a lot to me:

"Living With a Passive Agressive Man" states that dealing with a passive-aggressive person as a spouse can drive even the most even tempered, rational, and reasonable person to huge levels of uncontrolled anger. P-As are masters at deliberately goading people. Within my marriage, I was unable to obtain the desired level of intimacy due to my partner's resistance. My needs weren't met and yet I continued to try to find a way to meet my partner's needs despite years of frustration and a lack of progress. My ex-husband controlled the dynamics of our marriage with his passive-aggressive behavior. Directly asking for what I wanted was a guarantee it would never happen. A lot was demanded of me but very little was willingly given back--not because he couldn't, I realized at the very end, but because he wouldn't. I'm generally not easily angered, but his behavior could drive me to uncontrolled rage--and then he'd calmly inform me I should seek counseling. Any conversation I tried to initiate about improving our relationship quickly turned to a list of his complaints about what was wrong with me. Finally I gave up any hope of improvement due to his extreme resistence. This book made me realize that I had a very typical relationship with a very passive-aggressive man, but the marital interchange was completely abnormal.

There are eleven hallmarks that identify the Passive-Aggressive personality disorder.

1. Fear of Dependency
2. Fear of Intimacy
3. Fear of Competition
4. Obstructionism
5. Fostering Chaos
6. Feeling Victimized
7. Making Excuses and Lying
8. Procrastination
9. Chronic lateness & Forgetfulness
10. Ambiguity
11. Sulking

.....It is almost universal within a marriage to a passive-aggressive person for them to continually withhold sex.
The book was mainly about how to set boundaries and cope if you are involved with these types of people.

__________________
Don't just pretend that you love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Stand on the side of good. Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring one another- Romans 12: 9-10

Oh, my goodness, I need to get my hands on that book. I was just pulling things out of the air when I made the assertion he was passive aggressive. But I think it may be the case. So much of that rings true. The obstructionism (if I understand correctly what that means), the feeling of victimization, the lying and making excuses, the forgetfulness, the ambiguity and the sulking. Oh, my! DING DING DING

To answer autumnleaf -- no, I am not being submissive and respectful. I will admit it, I am a shrew of a wife. A yelling, screaming, cussing, door slamming, foot stomping witch. But I wasn't always this way. Initially I was very kind and loving and patient with him. But after 5 years of subtle, insidious mistreatment, for which he never takes any responsibility, I finally reached my breaking point. Yes, I believe he "deliberately goads" me. And when he's got all my buttons pushed and I've turned lunatic on him, he calmly looks at me and tells me I have a problem.

I asked him to get three pictures I selected and bought for our daughter's bedroom framed with brown wooden frames. He came back with all black metal frames.

I asked him not to dress the children (on the mornings when he has to get them ready) in short sleeved clothing because it is about 20 degrees here. And everytime when I pick them up, they are wearing t-shirts (with dressers full of sweaters and sweatshirts going unworn).

I asked him to please come home by 7:00 pm two nights ago so I could study for a midterm in the class I am taking. And he came home after 10:00 pm, without even calling.

I asked him five weeks ago (and every week since) to please get his hair cut because he looks like a vagrant. And it still hasn't been cut.

I asked him to tell me what my daughter's teacher said. He told me she said nothing. And the next day, I get a call from the teacher, and I knew nothing of what she was talking about.

And his hygiene is so bad my four year old tells me that daddy pooped in his pants. '

These are just minor things that happened this week. He's done some really low down things to me that I'm even embarrassed to admit to my closest friends...like lying about his age, lying about his financial situation, walking away when I (ecstatically) told him I was pregnant with the second child who was completely planned for, leaving for a business trip to mexico while I was pregnant and not calling me...forbidding me from attending his mother's funeral...not having sex w/ me for 4 years...and so much more.

Yeah, this was NOT how me presented himself to me when we first met. He was loving and attentive...and relatively hygienic. But slowly, he began letting his true colors show. It was too late then as I was already pregnant and in love...and we went ahead and got married w/ the condition that we would get Christian marital counseling. But the hurts and insults and frustrations kept comng and eventually I snapped and started getting really angry.

Originally Posted by Autumnleaf

How about you look at him like he is a really great guy and treat him well without asking him for anything? If he is only mean to you then there is something there between the two of you that has him hung up. For the life of me I can't believe that he is treating you this poorly if you are treating him well and speaking well of him to others. You talk of him like he's avoiding you which hints at you being aggressive towards him instead of being submissive and respectful. If he is older and you are demanding of him he might be shying away from you and your demands.

Seems like no matter what forum I end up in someone is always trying to make up excuses for the spouse who is dishonoring their marriage covenant.
While the man MAY have his own personal issues that need dealt with he IS a MARRIED man and NEEDS to HONOR that covenant and its OBLIGATIONS and stop making up lame, childish, godless excuses not to.

Sister, in all honesty it sounds like your husband needs professional help. And I mean some sort of Christian Psychiatrist if you can find one.
Your own behavior cannot be excused by your husbands, you need to be sure YOU behave as you ought to, but based on what Ive read in this thread so far you husband has emotional problems that go beyond what anything in his marriage could be causing. A bad marriage can exacerbate the problems, but I seriously doubt that your husbands issues are caused by marital issues, but more likely there is something wrong with his reasoning that simply is being increased by some of the things he doesnt like in his marriage.
A man doesnt stop taking care of himself because of his wife. He may USE his wife as his excuse to stop, but she isnt the reason.
You husband not taking care of himself is something wrong with HIM and HIS thinking processes and it needs to be dealt with.

Originally Posted by High Maintenance

Oh, my goodness, I need to get my hands on that book. I was just pulling things out of the air when I made the assertion he was passive aggressive. But I think it may be the case. So much of that rings true. The obstructionism (if I understand correctly what that means), the feeling of victimization, the lying and making excuses, the forgetfulness, the ambiguity and the sulking. Oh, my! DING DING DING

To answer autumnleaf -- no, I am not being submissive and respectful. I will admit it, I am a shrew of a wife. A yelling, screaming, cussing, door slamming, foot stomping witch. But I wasn't always this way. Initially I was very kind and loving and patient with him. But after 5 years of subtle, insidious mistreatment, for which he never takes any responsibility, I finally reached my breaking point. Yes, I believe he "deliberately goads" me. And when he's got all my buttons pushed and I've turned lunatic on him, he calmly looks at me and tells me I have a problem.

I asked him to get three pictures I selected and bought for our daughter's bedroom framed with brown wooden frames. He came back with all black metal frames.

I asked him not to dress the children (on the mornings when he has to get them ready) in short sleeved clothing because it is about 20 degrees here. And everytime when I pick them up, they are wearing t-shirts (with dressers full of sweaters and sweatshirts going unworn).

I asked him to please come home by 7:00 pm two nights ago so I could study for a midterm in the class I am taking. And he came home after 10:00 pm, without even calling.

I asked him five weeks ago (and every week since) to please get his hair cut because he looks like a vagrant. And it still hasn't been cut.

I asked him to tell me what my daughter's teacher said. He told me she said nothing. And the next day, I get a call from the teacher, and I knew nothing of what she was talking about.

And his hygiene is so bad my four year old tells me that daddy pooped in his pants. '

These are just minor things that happened this week. He's done some really low down things to me that I'm even embarrassed to admit to my closest friends...like lying about his age, lying about his financial situation, walking away when I (ecstatically) told him I was pregnant with the second child who was completely planned for, leaving for a business trip to mexico while I was pregnant and not calling me...forbidding me from attending his mother's funeral...not having sex w/ me for 4 years...and so much more.

Yeah, this was NOT how me presented himself to me when we first met. He was loving and attentive...and relatively hygienic. But slowly, he began letting his true colors show. It was too late then as I was already pregnant and in love...and we went ahead and got married w/ the condition that we would get Christian marital counseling. But the hurts and insults and frustrations kept comng and eventually I snapped and started getting really angry.