pray for a broken heart and mind

Hello again.

I wish I could go to that ministry..lol damn other side of the country..lol

I am not making any progress honesty..honesty.im just so burned out..physicall, mentally,emotionally spiritually..its hard to do anything by myself.:S

I dont know Jesus anymore then I know him 3 years ago..I am reading my bible..just causes anxiety still..talked to Jesus.told em stuff..sigh

i am perplexed..like i feel freer not thinking about christianity nor what i "have" to do..if i dont think of the "wrongs" i do.and not worry about it..i get peace..yet i cant see that is of being Christianity or of God..I hope you understand..i just dont know how bad or even if i was deeply brainwashed.i cant see what happened to me.all I see is that I am deeply hurt..confused and twisted..like it really hurts me..to see myself this way..and wonder all these years..where am I.what happened..its like i woke up.one day..and I wasnt the same..hurt all over

I need to get help somewhere..yet I dont know how or what to get help from..sigh i dont know what to do..its really hard to pray or even read the bible..read the bible.i just get angry

i hate coming back here.yet I know in my heart.i have to try to explain something that is really bothering me.like God wants me to say whats on my heart..

like what if you saw God nothiing more then a monster..a controller..that his ways control manipluate you.i KNOW in my head thats not right..but even then..its like christians twisted around and used words "freedom" and "grace" to cover that up..it really really hurts me inside..like I want to know what happened to me.why i feel thsi way..why dreams and visions keep hurting me..why voices in my head and thoughts visions were taught to me..as if God talked to us that way.why i still believe that to a degree.and why i still go by that to a degree

I am getting no where.and i know something else is bothering me that I should say.i just fear so much..i literally feel it..shut down my mind my heart and body..it honestly manifests that way.i cant think..or speak....

like..why dont i want Jesus in my life? i feel ike contaminated..i feel like all the things he makes me feel i want out of me:S

i want to say more..but affraid of what may come out.i know its blasphemous.or i think so..i am not going to blaspheme..just these sick things that are in me..not by me at all.i hope you understand..i cant think straight

it hurts to feel the way i feel..i want someone to help me..not just think of it...like i want to be real..yet i dont want to keep coming back here and shaming myself like this..i cant take how i look anymore when i keep coming back here.i hate it

like do I have to reject Christ in order to be free?? i freaking dont care anymore but judgements or anything..like i dare someone to say to me..oh but the consequences..going to hell etc etc..say that to me!!..i freaking dont care..

Do I have to leave Christ? like I dont want Him in my life..I hate what and how i see what Christianity is..if I have done this far.and if dont want God..why try?

i hate coming back here for this..sigh

God bless

Brother at least you have somewhere to come.. Thanks for being honest.. I guess that means you feel safe to share what is on your heart.. that is encouraging to me..

I don't know what to say... but I do say that GOD is there with you and HE is greater.. He is helping you despite what you feel.. and I will continue to pray.. I have been fasting and praying about things here in our home and also for myself.. I feel I should continue it today even though it is hard to do that.. It is a not a flesh and blood battle we are in.. not just what we can see and feel.. but against spiritual forces that are trying to stop us go for GOD.. Do not think this is all about yourself... it is a battle to stop you coming to GOD and getting help.. Everything you do that GOD has said to do in the bible.. is fantastic.. it is life and health to you..

It is getting so close to when JESUS will return.. but we who believe on HIM will not perish but have everlasting life... and we are overcomers by HIS blood and the word of our testimony.. and even to death we do not love our lives..

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And YOU let me share YOU with others.. every day.. all day.. lol.. JESUS... how blessed am I.. ♥

I do have a place to go..I know its not about me..lol i know very well satan tis about going around destroying me and others..

tis i just know I have to share my heart..like i feel theres something else there that i have to explain.that is why i keep typing stuff..like there is so much.i want people to understand..its not just one thing that keeps me here..I know realize how hard deeply hurt people have trouble coming to God and/or stopping certain things they do.because I am there now...I wonder how people can say to others and myself..just stop it.use self control.i know know.its not that easy..people who are deeply hurt..its not that easy at all...

I want to be honest.and I am going to be....like I really dont want Christ in my life for some reason..I just feel controlled when I come to him.in every way you ca think of..mind mouth.body etc..ways and thoughts..feelings and how God talks to us.if that makes sense..like honestly..if I die..a large part of me..wonders where am I going? even though I am Gods child? I think of standing before God..dread fills my heart..fear fear..i dont think of love..fear..punishment..unable to stand near him..unable to go to him..thinking of some sort of stipulation or rule or holyness matter...when I thinkf of God.i wish he didnt exist..i just cant seem to go to Him..with my whole heart..its lilke i dont want too.and I am condemend for it..by people.and im being honest with this..

peacechild, others elijah..annrobert.u have said some great awesome things..i just cant get it..i read the bible..hear everyones words.and I am driven away by it.i dont want to go to God..just run..honestly...God scares me..i cant understand how you can love him..its more then quoting scritpure how God's love for us.i know that.i know the scripture..i know the words of God's love and goodnes..i know them well...however I do not know love or goodness..and I have been trying to know that for a long time..tell me this is not so..you love God..because you have a reason too..a desire too..something abotu God draws you near him..something there that allows you to want him..i dont have that..even if i read Gods word..and in honsetly.i dont want that.if you want me to be honest..i dont..i hate the way i feel...i felt better when I wasnt Christs.because I knew what i wanted.i didnt worry.i felt reall..not like a fake.and its more then feelings I am talking about here..more then that

I am tired of coming on here..looking like a weak fool..i feel so ashamed of it..like if we are supposed to be honest..i am not sure if i am going to go back..or how long...you know..i hat the feelings that christ is watching me 24/7..hate the feelings of church.the word..it all..as you all know...i have written a book by now..400 pages long here

do you think i want to be like this? i know how it feels to have think you are safe in God..thinking your alright and youll always obey God..or walk with him as many do.i know that..i know that well..i know where I am now..i have been in both worlds..


I am not sure what I am looking for.i dont want to waste your time..keep coming back here..making no progress..but I have to ask myself.do I really want it? Do I want God..not in myself no..i have no reason to..and its not what you think

the answer is..do i want to know Jesus...and honestly i would say no..i dont.i dont even want to try

oh well hell i go

I am not going to stop praying for you brother..

__________________

And YOU let me share YOU with others.. every day.. all day.. lol.. JESUS... how blessed am I.. ♥

Hey all again..someone posted here..that got deleted.but you are right I do have OCD..causes me to hate people I love..feel what is opposite what I want.filled with doubt..hence called doubting disease..causes me to find sin where is there no sin..etc etc..i am not sure how to tell what is OCD and what is not..:S confused..conscience so messed up..grace:S not sure what that mean.s

anyway..I am honestly here to say something..I have alot of anger in me.and bitterness..causes me to act differently alot..I honestly cant stop being angry even if I tried..I am so stressed and filled with anxiety all the time..i try to stop.but cant seem to let go or relax..ah also there are some issues that hurt me very deeply..and honestly causes me very deep shame..enough that it causes me to wonder from God..even not wanting to change those things..because of the hurt and the like..

honestly deep hurts that causes me not to want to change and even stay this way fro life..causes me to say and think of saying very deep and hurtful things to God..and i know in my heart.I hve said them to a degree..as in God do not touch me..dont change me..dont touch my heart dont do anything inside me without me asking so...cause I feel raped and controled

I know i have said these things before...but around here..there is no where to go to talk too or get help..i would just get angry and leave....I cant stand the judgement/view of whatever you call it that I see in most christians.its not right..wheres the love and compassion? healing? I cant see to find anywhere..

so I go each day..what if you cant even let God into your heart to change you because you feel controlled inside? and that you would be given or things changed you didnt want..that is how I feel...Just I cant seem to see or hear..even though I see and do hear.I am not sure what to see or hear

Like i keep coming here..cause I am looking for something..I just do not want the Christianity the God i had before..the old stuff that deeply hurt me..like I dont know what to say anymore:S no matter where I look or go..I keep getting what I had before what I saw and heard before about God.and it keeps hurting and pushing me away from Him...dont even know what to look for..in God and how to tell it is..freaking walls and blocks up in heart

there are issues in my life that deeply hurt me..not with forgivness or people.but cause me great shame..enough that I dont want to change cause of pain..and what I would get is not worth enough for me to let go..cause I would rather have this

there is so much more I want to tell..I have no person to tell..here..I go to God and tell.i just get filled with rage..i read the bible

like honestly there is a crap load on my chest.my mind and OCD I cant think right or see right or hear right.or understand..lost in mind..in a sea of mess..like I cant stand on any faith..because 60 people down the road say 100 different things on one scripture.who is right..people saying think the best..for God has good for you..keep in there..for that? what do I stand on for what??:S believe this or that.whoes right.i take a scripture and have 7000 ways to take it..cant stand on multiple views..how to put faith in that..If i believe God is that of this..sigh:S

deep things keep hurting me..nothing works I have read on websites..dont understand them..or just get angry and go away:S

Mate, you don't put FAITH in the 60 people down the road. You put FAITH in our Lord Jesus Christ, that is who you put your FAITH in.

Check this site out, and ask yourself who our Lord Jesus Christ is, not those 60 people down the road.

Hey elijah..I am not putting faith in 60 people down the road.lol sorry misunderstanding.what i mearn.is.when I read the bible.i get filled with fear.I see God in such a different view then you do..I see not a God you know..I keep honestly reading a perfectionistic God..hard to please..cruel...unknowable..though I read..Grace love and peace gentleness.what I get..is a God..i can never know.when I read.a God i hate.and a God i hate for who He is.i dont see good.when though the bible says it.do you understand? I am sorry if I am not typing what my heart is trying to explain..

words and images cant express how I feel..I know when type..Im unable to get something that I want others to knoiw..that is why I keep coming back and posting..somethign is missing..I wish I can just "GO" to God..but it doesnt just do that..I have prayed for years..God please ..Holy Spirit help me understand that bible..yet here Iam today..I have prayed to know God as He is....prayed spoke words out..did all that..been to deliverance.

sigh..AGGHAH!!!! why cant I write what i am trying to say...Im sorry if I am dull..I watched the video..thank you...sigh I cant seem to write what is bothering me and keeping me stuck..how can you go to God.or trust.if Ya honestly cant in your heart..because you dont know Him..hes a monster to you.I READ THE BIBLE!! that is what I GET>>A MONSTER! though i see good in it..just the attitude i see of GOd..i just want to walk away:S if that makes sense


anyway I pray God willl show you and open your eyes to what I am trying to say.and feel and whts going on in my heart:S

bah fustrating:S

sigh ok.I am going to try this again..I looked at old posts in this thread..good points

what you see and hear.what your mind understands..what you feel and desire.what your knowledge is..what you know..what you can choose..what you know of God..repentance and love..goodness..what you know of senses..your feelings..what you imagine God is.how you percieve and hear him..how you see Him..what you have learned..the doctrines..the words from the bible.how it goes into your mind..your heart..how you Know God..Jesus The Father.and The Holy Spirit..how they operate in your life.how you percieve it in your own.and how you know it..imagine this..imagine your yourself..who you are..your very self.imagin that..imagine how you think..percieve..feel and desire.and yes even how you are able to choose.make a decision..imagine all of that..


for me..if I do this..or I am this..for me..how I percieve God..how I know Him..percieve him the manners you all do..as I said above..this all hurts me deeply..imagine being taught Spiritual matters.how it coordinates to the above....your belief system.your mind your heart..imagine that.if it was taken away from you..and changed in such a way..without your knowledge..through fear..because you were trying to please God..changed in such a way..because you cant see it..nor explain it.but through your eyes.and in your mind..from this source..you see how I do..you see words.and hear people teach God.and it hurts you.because deep down..from your core..your heart..your mind..you understand it in such a twisted and warped way even you cant know it..though you can realize it..

I can see all your writings.I can see and hear what you are saying.I can read the bible.and know the words.but I cant "know" it..I cant understand it.for what it is..if it is at all..I read of how Jesus heals people..deep down...I am affraid..I read the old testament..I see miracles Gods actions.I am filled with fear..years and years go by..you all giving great advice..yet I cant recieve it..I cant recieve it..because to me.its all evil.in all honestly.in my heart..it says that..because deep down..somehwere good is bad..and bad is good..and I dont know why I see things that way..I have prayed.I have told much of this to God over the years

all that you know.the birds you see..the good you see in people..in nature..all that to me..can never be God.though you say it..though I see it..when I am told..trust in God..He will lead you through..hope for the best..my heart.my mind..has 100 roads to choose from in what was told to me..one road..saying the best is this.good things..the other..though similar..says good things yes..but trials tribulations..as you can all different doctrines of the church that teach around the same thing..yet all different..I cant put fath in several things..take for example.if I told yo all..have faith in God..He will heal you..for me that.brings me sorrow.i think well..what trials must come my way..what sort of "goodness" will be mine..what will God allow.sigh....if you told me..trust in God..all things work together for good..my mind thinks I am used for someones elses glory..being used..like a pawn..so many scernarios flash through my mind..all look good..yet for me..dont seem to me..all bring me pain and torement..yet all is confirmed by christians..I am driven by God...


there thats the best I can do..what i think.how I think and feel:S screwed up eh

I don't think we could ever go by us.. our feelings.. our thoughts.. what others say etc.. there is a way that seems right to man and it leads to death.. the bible says this..

Live by the WORD of GOD... that is all I can say.. pray.. believe.. seek.. replace your thoughts by the WORD of GOD.. start feeding your self with it.. Live it.. breathe it.. everything else is not important.. but GOD and doing it HIS way.. I just know when you trade yourself for HIS way.. all will change..

Ohhh brother.. if you can simply just do this often.. day and night.. it will start to change everything.. Meditate on it and you will be like a tree planted by streams of water..

It might sound like we say the same things.. but it brings peace to keep your mind steadfast on HIM!! There is song that says.. we have an anchor that keeps the soul.. steadfast and strong while the billows roll.. fastened to the rock which cannot move.. grounded safe and deep in my Saviours love.. or something like that..

GOD is strong.... GOD is truth.. GOD is our life and the length of our days.. GOD is everything HE says HE is..

I continue to pray.. Happy Easter brother..

__________________

And YOU let me share YOU with others.. every day.. all day.. lol.. JESUS... how blessed am I.. ♥

Tell me HSC, have you read 1 Cor. 13?

And if you have, can you tell me where do you fail in regards to this Chapter?