hey all, back again, I do sound lonely, and I am..
I desire that someone truly understand how hard this is on me some people say like suck it up, its not like that anymore, i can truly say in a small amount, how it feels to be one of those people who are mentally broken and physically crippled. i can say how torementing it can be and crippling on ones life that mental illness can bring..
sigh..i want somone to understand how hard i try to do right,,even though my mind tells me i am always doing wrong, i want someone to know how hard i try not to try to love others and be humble, how hard i try to not to use my own strength and lean on God..not using any or me, from a humble heart
just get condemned..seems i feel or can do anything right..that no matter what i do..i am always going down the path to commit certain sins..the unpardonabe sin, hurting the people i love..these are symptoms of OCD
i want someone to not condemn me, i dont mean to do the stuff i do today, the sin i do out of pain, i want someone to understand that, i long to be normal, because inthe past it was all about perfectionism, sometimes i want to make a mistake and sin..honest God truth, so I can be human not hve a huge bar of conduct to always out of fear live by!
is it possible, can i be accepted even though i struggle, i am not perfect, i am humble..sigh yet i am told i must change stop sinning, sigh i know that is not right, just makes me sin more
i don understand...sigh i dont want to lose everything though I try to do what is right
HoneyComb son,
I want you to know that I have been suffering some similar things.I have felt that my faith in Jesus ,something has tried to viciously rip from me.I suffered excruiating pain over the things that have happened to me.I am trying so hard to get over all this.Honeycomb son,try to just put all the visions dreams ,revelations and teachings from the past out of your mind,they are past,trying to figure them out or where they came from will only confuse you more,forgetting those things behind you move toward Jesus.rather than try to decide which things were of God and His nature and which things were of the devil,give it all up.start afresh with the Word of God as your foundation.The nature and truth of Jesus from the Word of God ,the bible.
Jesus is the Word of God.
Jesus is God.
Jesus loves His sheep and has laid down His life for the sheep.
Jesus is the good sheperd.
Jesus is annointed to heal the broken hearted and set the captive free.
Jesus was moved with compassion.He has compassion.
Jesus said anyone who comes to Him He will never cast out.
Jesus said He that believeth on Him has everlasting life.
Jesus wants to give peace,He said my peace I give you,not as the world gives.
Jesus said the Holy Spirit will lead us into all truth.
Jesus wants those of us who are heavy laden to come to Him,
He said come unto me all ye who labour and are heavy laden and I will give you rest.
Jesus said I came into the world not to condemn the world but that the world through Me might be saved.
His mercy endures forever.
His mercy is new every morning.
the Lord is gracious and kind ,not counting our sins against us.
Looking at these truths about Jesus what kind of nature do you see.forget about all past and meditate on these truths.He has compassion mercy, promises peace and rest, He is a Saviour.he lays down His life for us,He is the Way the Truth and the Life,
THE RESURRECTION AND THE LIFE, the Wonderful Counsellor and the Prince of Peace, this is the nature of Jesus our Redeemer.
No weapon formed against us will prosper.
Our righteousness is of Jesus.trust Jesus ,do not try to figure out the past,renew your mind,and cry out to Jesus and never give up.He plans to give you hope and a future.meditate on these truths about Jesus.Jesus Bless You
annrobert
I know i cannot try to figure things out, you are right i shouldnt..however, my past is marked with such control and manipulation..words mean different things to me..I was told I love you..but those words..came in actions speaking otherwise, and so forth on other wrods, goodness, mercy, grace, all came as they were spoken but underneath it was control and manipulation
I dont know why.. i just need someone to understand for me to understand,
you know, I have become so bitter and angry, honestly not on my accord, in such a way that I have no more control, even if my mind lets it go, the pain and anger just control me, these wounds are still there, I become a different person, Dustin (my name in real life) is gone, I becomet his other person, full of anger, and honestly, I dont feel I am there, I am there, but not, its like I am sitting on a chair, watching this other being control and use my body..I honestly cannot control myself at times, it scares me so much..so much..that even with a free will, you cant control yourself and anger
when I work, it gets so heavy, I go into the bathroom, and breath like i cannot breath. i struggle to breath because of the confusion and pain inside, the torement from my own mind, and from the pain of my body
I was normal once, now after all of this pain and what happened, I can say, how hard it is to control ones self from deep wounds, I sin because of my pain, I grasp for air,literally becauser of the pain inside. I have no desire to return to God..not that I left..but these wounds have warped me into a bitter angry person, I am inside, whatever I am, is there any good about me, all my body rages with evil intentions while inside, I cry not nothing if I am good or evil if I can do anything right
people tell me great things, yet I keep trying to explain things I hurt so much..that sometimes I honestly become so enraged that I feel something flash over me, I honestly feel like i become something different a demon my pain i dont know..I almost lose control because its all bottled up..I am scared
I am becoming what i feared..a hater of God, murderer, a lier, all of this which someone is controling me, doesnt matter what i do, its like I am being forced to, even if I do right
who is controling me? why do I feel raped...why does thinking of God bring satan to mind..why do I see satan whenever i see God? in His word, in everything
Hi dear friend.. Just letting you know I have continued to pray for you.. It is a struggle in the every day.. I am sorry it has gone on so long for you.. It is good that you keep coming back dear brother.. I know you are so frustrated.. but you will get the victory.. I struggle myself to say the right thing.. and when I saw your post I get frustrated for you.. but then I thought he is persistant and keeps coming back that made me smile and have hope for you.. GOD will not fail you..
Honeycombson, I have read this thread, and so much of what you say sounds like what I used to have, and still often do. I also have OCD, so it hardly surprises me that so much of what you say sounds like me
I often feel very guilty, and very fearful. It often seems the more I try to do something, the more I fail. I end up just obeying God out of fear of him, rather than love, and thus try to be perfect. It is pretty much a downward spiral. I end up thinking that my mind is almost out of my control.
In the past, it has been very bad. Now, I am a lot better, thanks to some treatment. Basically, I realised that my mind had a completely wrong perception of God, and an extreme focus on myself.
You must realise that it is not by our effort that we are saved. Jesus paid our price for us. I think the verse "Be still and know that I am God" is a really good one. We do nothing make ourselves saved. Stop TRYING to be saved. Just confess your sins, and God is faithful and just in forgiving them. Rest in his forgiveness.
I have been praying for you and still will. I pray that you will be able to focus on God, trust in him despite your pain.
Brother.. I was praying again for you as I was delivering newspapers this morning.. you have friends here.. praying.. believing in you.. standing with you..
Dustin
I think I understand some of what you are going through,yet I know yours is different .I know what it feels like to feel spiritually raped,to feel like my faith was ripped from me against my will,to be scared this meant I was evil.To have excruiating pain and horror and terror over all of it.The only thing I can do is hold on and not give up,though I have been tempted to.I want to understand you more if you want to explain more.You can pm me if you like to.I know how it feels to want to be understood and even to want help to possibly understand it yourself.Though we may never fully understand.I want you to know it is obvious you do not hate God.You may fear that is happening because of what you are going through but know this, you do not hate God,I can tell that.The devil may want you to fear that so much you believe it but it is not true.You may have anger and God will take that away,be honest with Him and tell Him about it and ask Jesus to heal you from it.It does not mean you hate God or anything.The real you is still there Dustin asking for help.I have had depersonalization and derealization from intense pain and torment.I was severely abused in everyway growing up.I know about pian and I know how bad emotional pain can be and it has taken a toll on my health.Nothing is impossible for Jesus ,He can and will heal .He can fix any problem ,He is bigger than anger or anything,He has overcome.Please tell me more so I can understand more,I want to help because my heart goes out to you and I know what spiritual,emotional wounds hurt like.I know about terror.I have more I want to say but I must get to bed now.I am so happy you keep coming back and not giving up.I see true strength in you,I see hope in you,I see a willingness to reach out and ask for help and that takes courage.I see you appreciating help too,showing me what a soft heart you Dustin have.All these things show me Dustin what a special person you are and I want you to know this and never give up.You are going to get through this and I am going to get through my stuff too.Please pm me if you want to.Jesus Bless You Dustin
take care
annrobert
ps, please keep reading those bible truths I wrote down on the last post so they can get into your spirit,past your mind and into your spirit,they are the Words Jesus spoke and He said they are spirit and they are truth.Please meditate on them and they will be health to you.God Bless
Hi Dustin,
I am thinking of you and hoping you are okay .I meant to say ealier that Jesus said the Words I speak to you ,they are spirit and they are life.He aslo said they are truth,so the Words Jesus spoke are spirit,they are life and they are truth.I would not try to picture Jesus so much when you pray,Just pray to Jesus who is your creator and redeemer without trying to picture Him in your mind.Just meditate on His Words and His nature ,His gentleness and mercy,His death on your behalf and read and meditate and those bible truths,without trying to envision a picture of Him.The truth of who He is will come into your spirit.Jesus said all that the Father has given me I will lose nothing.take care
annrobert
some people say like suck it up, its not like that anymore, i can truly say in a small amount, how it feels to be one of those people who are mentally broken and physically crippled. i can say how torementing it can be and crippling on ones life that mental illness can bring..
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