pray for a broken heart and mind

This morning..I told Jesus to get out my heart..life mind and feelings..why because I felt controled and manipluated by Him..I feel it now..like Im force to have "joy" forced to smile..I never thought it funny to smile when someones in pain..now I feel that with Jesus..sigh

I told God Satan was better then him..honestly something in my heart says that..I hate being with God..because I feel that somehow.I dont know how..I hate being controlled..feeling manipluated by God..Him giving me things i dont want..putting things in my heart without telling me.I feel this true..somehow biblical truth..sigh

I watch sermons.i watch youtube..God is till the same to me..I have a urge to get him out of me..why? its hard to repent honestly..because of these feelings

I have cursed so much in last few days.said horrible things...called Jesus Satan..because that is how I felt about Him

sigh.i know im gonna get condemned.I've already have had severe issues with unpardonable sin..why not just get it over with..charge me.BOOM done..let me have peace..im already toremented with it enough.

sigh..this is a issue..either because Satan has pretended to be Jesus for me so long.my brain is implanted with that..its like how people place their Father onto God..i wonder if I did the same..because I guess Satan was God to me..though I thought it was God

I never want to repent.that is in my heart..never want to change..why you may ask..because of fear..being controlled..manipulated..changed into something I dont want to be..secretly..like if i give it a shot..someone will give me desires thoughts I did not want.change me into what I dont want to be..change the person I am..or was..or whatever

there are issues in my life..that I wont give to God.not even a chance.I dont want the outcome..I lose either way..Christians just make it worse..accept things..why? so I can be laughed at.and laugh at shameful things.be changed and forced to like things..why do i feel raped

I watch Jospeh Prince..in fear..i guard my heart.so I dont get hurt...i watch other stuff.i guard my heart..because I dont want to be hurt by words that cause me such great harm..


sigh I need to see a councellor..there is none here in the town I live none i will trust..sigh..I cant move forward..unless I know i see a reason too..all i see is loss ahead..sigh..or even if I "gain" with God...it looks to me like something ill be controlled and manipluated into