Yesterday I visited a christian bookstore. The nun there who tried to be nice and recommend books, I could tell was repulsed by my uncut nails, my breath, my nervous demeanor, my messy hair my beard. I realized for the first time how I must look to the outside world, completely. I am totally crazy. I don't think there is anything true about anything i experienced, not one. I am considering a one month fast from what is driving me nuts, religion itself. I feel very bittersweet about this, a pull, a longing to hold on but I am beginning to think this is the only way out. I will only survive as a human being if 1 of two things occur, either I just live out my life without care of what will happen (I.E. live like the masses as best i can) or know I'm saved when i am religious. I really don't think I'm saved. I'd hate to go back to my old ways for sure but after some other experiences i've had, the demons (even though I was possibly saved- it was madness). I figure if I'm chosen by god i'll come back, if not I will not. I know god will not take this kind of bargain seriously but I can't bear another day of this doubt, I'd rather forget all about it. My righteous longings are a delusion. I will never be good enough for God. Salvation by simple belief and continuing to live in sin is a lie in my opinion. Only those who live a holy life after sins are forgiven will make it through the narrow gate. I don't believe I am one of them. Sorry for the attention mongering.
And the thing about tears being a second or whatever baptism. Nice sound it has. I think they are all in my head. They come totally illogically. Sometimes when i see a firetruck I get them even. This is madness. I don't have any reason at all to believe anything that happened to me is true. The final episode was that demon dream. I accused someone of being a satanist because of it, I am totally psycho. I still believe in God but I don't think he has any connection to me whatsoever. I'd much rather have true emotions than the so-called godly tears. I'd rather be normal than a sinful "monk" as it were and so on. as that is my lifestyle by necessity at this time.
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leaving all of the above to give this final message a context (I pray father I will not post here again as an attention mongerer in jesus name amen)
I can't even fast from praying to you father for an hour. I can't stop asking you whether it will be alright if I do this, I can't stop asking if you'll just leave me to evil. The much spoken of tears you give me pour out at the very question I ask you. "Will you promise I do no great evil." I act like I don't know what they mean. Why father would you give someone who will commit unspeakable sins against you such tears? The answer? You won't. I don't know what any of this thing I experienced was about I still hope to know. The bottom line is I quit my fast. I will not stop praying to you, nor will I stop praising you. You are my only hope and I know all is worth nothing without you.
Last edited by maybenotcrazy; 8th January 2009 at 10:20 PM.
__________________ "Flatter me, and I may not believe you. Criticize me, and I may not like you. Ignore me, and I may not forgive you. Encourage me,and I will not forget you." William Arthur Ward
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MNC, I don't think God expects us to be sinless, I think this is impossible. We are hardly saints when we get saved. Even with the baptism of the Holy Spirit, I realized I was just at a beginning point in my life in the struggle against evil.
The best analogy I can find is the Old Testament, where the Hebrews were told to take the land. They were told that God would fight for them, but they would still have to fight for themselves. They could not win the battle without God, but also God would not move without them.
We have a land we also need to fight for, our souls. The soul is the mind, will and emotions. As we follow the Lord of Hosts, Jesus Christ, seeking to obey Him because we love Him, John 14:15, we have the opportunity to kick every evil thing out: the thoughts, the sin tendencies. Our power lies in the fact that Jesus Christ is our Lord and Savior, He gives us the victory!
Be blessed. I am praying for you. (((hug)))
__________________ Jesus said, "I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me." John 14:6
Nor is there salvation in any other, for there is no other name under heaven given among men by which we must be saved. Acts 4:12 To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
I have know those with similar problems, that instead of abandoning their faith, they went on a retreat. Just some time alone to work out what you want from life without daily distractions.
I'm considering just such a journey myself in the coming year,
MNC, I don't think God expects us to be sinless, I think this is impossible. We are hardly saints when we get saved. Even with the baptism of the Holy Spirit, I realized I was just at a beginning point in my life in the struggle against evil.
The best analogy I can find is the Old Testament, where the Hebrews were told to take the land. They were told that God would fight for them, but they would still have to fight for themselves. They could not win the battle without God, but also God would not move without them.
We have a land we also need to fight for, our souls. The soul is the mind, will and emotions. As we follow the Lord of Hosts, Jesus Christ, seeking to obey Him because we love Him, John 14:15, we have the opportunity to kick every evil thing out: the thoughts, the sin tendencies. Our power lies in the fact that Jesus Christ is our Lord and Savior, He gives us the victory!
Be blessed. I am praying for you. (((hug)))
Bless you my sister. I really appreciate your prayers and encouraging words. I feel like I am in a really serious battle for my soul. That demonic attack did not end when I woke up... I don't know if this is good or bad but my disgust with the devil is so great, that as I was praying I had for politeness sake will be called an emetic attack when I rebuked him. Just the thought of him makes me sick. I'm getting crazier by the hour but my insanity is holding my faith. I get the feeling the devil is going crazy over me. MAY HE BE CONDEMNED 1 million fold in the lord jesus' holy name. AMEN! PUKE....
Amen, God is true, He will not forsake you. Call on His name, He is with you, He will help you.
The best prayer I have found is just to call on the name of the Lord out loud, "Lord Jesus Christ." The Bible says, "Whoever calls on the name of the Lord shall be saved," Rom. 10:13. Also, "The name of the Lord is a strong tower, the righteous run to it and are safe," Prov. 19:10.
I also thank God for the blood of Jesus which covers me, and keeps me safe, Job 1:5, 10. I am praying for you, dear brother. God is for you, He is not against you. (((hug)))
__________________ Jesus said, "I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me." John 14:6
Nor is there salvation in any other, for there is no other name under heaven given among men by which we must be saved. Acts 4:12 To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
MNC, I don't think God expects us to be sinless, I think this is impossible. We are hardly saints when we get saved. Even with the baptism of the Holy Spirit, I realized I was just at a beginning point in my life in the struggle against evil.
The best analogy I can find is the Old Testament, where the Hebrews were told to take the land. They were told that God would fight for them, but they would still have to fight for themselves. They could not win the battle without God, but also God would not move without them.
We have a land we also need to fight for, our souls. The soul is the mind, will and emotions. As we follow the Lord of Hosts, Jesus Christ, seeking to obey Him because we love Him, John 14:15, we have the opportunity to kick every evil thing out: the thoughts, the sin tendencies. Our power lies in the fact that Jesus Christ is our Lord and Savior, He gives us the victory!
Be blessed. I am praying for you. (((hug)))
This is all true, especially the part about God not expecting us to be sinless. God never expected us to be sinless, not ever, except in the time of Adam and Eve. Ever since the fall of man God has provided a way for mankind to repent of sin.
God expects us to make mistakes, and do things our carnal heart desires, that is the nature of the physical body. Wasn't it Paul who wrote that he does what he shouldn't and doesn't do what he should? (or something to that effect).
I do not fear the devil for God and Jesus have already defeated him. Jesus was resurrected with full forgiveness having left sin in the valley of death. Tons of praise to him our lord, God and Christ, for having provided the ultimate forgiveness of our sins, so that we may always seek the face of God and be showered with his glory for all time.
God is God and Jesus is the king, together they rule over all things, including the devil.
Now, I am not saying the devil is powerless, he has the ability to tempt us and bring us down emotionally. and if we are not careful, we can inadvertantly allow him to ruin our lives. but if we hang on to God, clutch at God with everything we have in our souls, call on God to help us, God and Jesus will be there to scare the devil away. this may not happen right away for some people, as its been delayed with me as well. but I am witness to the fact that God will answer your prayers to help you fight off a demon with a resounding YES!!! . and he is all to happy to help you with that as well. As Ariel said, God will fight for you but he wont fight without you (paraphrased). he will help us, but we cant be lazy and let God do all the work. one thing I like to always say is "God will provide our food, but we have to prepare it ourselves" .
ok, I rambled on enough hehe. I hope it all makes sense :O. be strong in your faith and seek God always and he will not forsake you. God will always forgive if it is in your heart to repent of your sins . hang in there MNC, the demons can not win against God and God has not forsaken you.
__________________ Pr 3:5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; Pr 3:6 in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.
Last edited by ERice2nd; 10th January 2009 at 06:01 AM.
This is all true, especially the part about God not expecting us to be sinless. God never expected us to be sinless, not ever, except in the time of Adam and Eve. Ever since the fall of man God has provided a way for mankind to repent of sin.
God expects us to make mistakes, and do things our carnal heart desires, that is the nature of the physical body. Wasn't it Paul who wrote that he does what he shouldn't and doesn't do what he should? (or something to that effect).
I do not fear the devil for God and Jesus have already defeated him. Jesus was resurrected with full forgiveness having left sin in the valley of death. Tons of praise to him our lord, God and Christ, for having provided the ultimate forgiveness of our sins, so that we may always seek the face of God and be showered with his glory for all time.
God is God and Jesus is the king, together they rule over all things, including the devil.
Now, I am not saying the devil is powerless, he has the ability to tempt us and bring us down emotionally. and if we are not careful, we can inadvertantly allow him to ruin our lives. but if we hang on to God, clutch at God with everything we have in our souls, call on God to help us, God and Jesus will be there to scare the devil away. this may not happen right away for some people, as its been delayed with me as well. but I am witness to the fact that God will answer your prayers to help you fight off a demon with a resounding YES!!! . and he is all to happy to help you with that as well. As Ariel said, God will fight for you but he wont fight without you (paraphrased). he will help us, but we cant be lazy and let God do all the work. one thing I like to always say is "God will provide our food, but we have to prepare it ourselves" .
ok, I rambled on enough hehe. I hope it all makes sense :O. be strong in your faith and seek God always and he will not forsake you. God will always forgive if it is in your heart to repent of your sins . hang in there MNC, the demons can not win against God and God has not forsaken you.
Amen.
I'm a living witness to the truth spoken here!
__________________
Hear ALL you People on this earth - The Lord Your God Is One!
Serve Him!
(solely!)
Forever!
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He can and he will 
. and he is all to happy to help you with that as well. As Ariel said, God will fight for you but he wont fight without you 
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