Wife walked out

Rppearso-
i can totally understand where your coming from. you get married to someone you love, and they gradually become less and less the person you love and rightly so want to have sex with.
they start making fun of your desires, and put you down for wanting sex. they will tell you that thats all your interested in, and make you feel lousy and out of place. Having a strong sexual desire isnt a bad thing, but it cannot get in the way of god.

What your ex wife was doing was wrong: 1 Corinthians 7:4 The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. (5) Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

So dont ever feel guilty for wanting sex. God instituted it as a part of marrige to be enjoyable between the married couple. only thing i can say is, dont ever let it become more important than god.

i can relate to your position in a big way, as i too have a fairly healthy desire. my wife would often tell me she wasnt into it, or was too tired or would make generally make excuses for it. this in turn left me feeling unloved, depressed, nil affection, unwanted etc. so dont feel bad for wanting something that god instituted.

My advice (coming from someone who is seperated and cant stop divorce) is to stop having sex with your g/f. abstain from it till you get yourself sorted out. get your head cleared (possibly few months) it will be hard, but you will be able to see the bigger picture more easily. if divorce is definately whats happening and you cannot stop it, then just wait till it all happens, then look into getting married before you engage into any more sexual relationships. it will be hard, and you wont want to, but all things happen for the good fo those who love the lord. let him make your cup overflow.

Rppearso, I'll be happy to share with you some of my experiences. I can empathize with you and I can also correct you. How you choose to receive it is between you and Jesus.

I was also victimized by a woman in my first marriage who did the ole bait n' switch. She was VERY affectionate and open to sex talk and heavy petting during the courting phase. She would wink and promised MANY great sexual times once she had the ring. I didn't find out until she abandoned our marriage and divorced me after 20+ years that she was a childhood sexual abuse victim ..... she and her siblings, at the hands of their father. She never told me this family secret of hers during our marriage. She literally turned off the sexual faucets as we got older and as the kids started to come along. What she did was substitute her affections towards me, to the kids. When they got older and it was obvious they were going to be leaving the nest, she grew more and more distant and unaffectionate. I know now that she was deathly afraid of having to live with me alone and finally face up to her dysfunctions. Yes, I always had a VERY high libido that I was led to believe matched hers. She basically used me to get out of the house. I was 19 and in love .... and in lust. She aggressively pursued me, at 19, and before we married. There was even a time when we agreed we were perhaps moving too fast, so we separated by mutual agreement to seek the Lord some more. She came running back to me, VERY aggressively and claiming "she heard directly from Jesus and I was the man she was to marry!!!" She even had a long letter where she purported to have written down these "words from the Lord". Years later, I knew she was deceived into thinking marriage was her "out" from her past. So, I was suckered into a 20+ year marriage with little or no affection or sex as time flew by. I completely understand the rejection and frustration you experienced. These are the things she did wrong and she was eventually willing to sacrifice our marriage on the altar of victimhood.

Now, Rppearso, here is what I did wrong. Firstly, I confused lust with love. I was too young and too infactuated. I allowed my loins to guide me instead of the Word. Secondly, I allowed her to pursue me after we had agreed to separate. BIG MISTAKE!!! I know now that it is the man's role to be the pursuer and I blundered horribly when I was suckered into her web of deceit. I have no one to blame but myself. No one. I am 100% responsible for running ahead of the Lord at that time in my young life. I will not blameshift it onto the church or my family or society. I take full accountability for it. She conquered me instead of me conquering her .... not in the controlling way the world sees, but in line with Scripture and the way the Lord has ordered things.

Prov. 18:22

He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the LORD.

You are making a HUGE mistake in coming into the lair of this promiscuous woman. There are reasons why she is pursuing you and making herself so "available". I doubledog guarantee you she has ulterior motives. What do you REALLY know of her past?? Her character? Her motives? Her faith, if any??

I'm not going to sugarcoat your sin, sir. I will agree that the Lord doesn't categorize sin. Sin is sin! I will also agree with some posters that sexual sins have their own unique consequences and you ARE playing with fire. You cannot twist Scripture to accomodate your sin .... not with me, anyway. I'm not going to sit here and enable your sin.

Here is my advise, for what it's worth to you.

1. Separate immediately from this promicuous woman.
2. Address the spiritual issues behind your own promiscuity.
3. Get some counseling from a qualified Christian counselor .... a male.
4. Join a church with a strong men's ministry. You need accountability!
5. If she hasn't yet remarried, apologize to your ex-wife and seek reconciliation.
6. Seek to change yourself.

I'm going to let you absorb this before I share with you the good news of where I am today.

Rppearso, I don't know if you have read my testimony yet. It's been a couple of days so I will share Part II with you. I do pray you will read this with an open mind and heart.

Brother, I was on my knees before the Lord for 6 months after my ex abandoned our marriage. During that time I was broken. In the long run, it was good for me. The Lord used that time to chasten me in my wrongness and encourage me in the things I was doing right. I also submitted myself to my pastor, some Godly men I could trust, and some Godly married couples that I knew would mentor me and hold me accountable. I am convinced this willingness to sit before Jesus contributed to my quick grief recovery. I wasn't perfect, brother. Far from it! I went through the wilderness experience and finally Jesus brought me out of it.

When I felt I was ready to date again, I found I was wrong. You see, I was ready in my soulish realm (mind, will, and emotions) but I was still lacking spiritual growth. As a result, I placed myself in a few bad situations with women who were not exactly sure of what they wanted in a man. Some of them had NO business putting themselves out there as they had MANY issues to still work through. Again, the responsibility for this foolishness was mine and mine alone. They were for the most part silly women, yes, but I chose to share in that silliness. I attracted unhealthy women because I was not yet healthy.

Finally, I reached a point where I was frustrated and hurt. I decided to finally set aside MY wants and desires and focus on what Jesus wanted for me. When I made the choice to lay aside my pride, THAT was the time that Jesus began to move on my behalf.

He led me to the wonderful, most Godly woman I am married to today. She is a breath of fresh air to me. A true biblical helpmate and a Proverbs 31 woman!!! We've been married several years now. Every day with her is a joy!!! She blesses me more than any other woman I have ever known. This is a work of God! Nothing to do with me .... everything to do with Him!

Brother, I feel in my spirit .... and I do believe this is from the Holy Spirit .... that you need to seriously slow down and smell the coffee. You are operating through the flesh. I know, because I can read the signs from you. Please give serious consideration to the points I shared with you in my previous post. You are skating on thin ice, brother. It's time to stop, sit at the Lord's feet, and reevaluate where you are heading. I don't want you to make the same mistakes I did.

PM me if you need to talk .... and may the Lord guide you!

Jer-wanted to let you know that rppearso married the girl.
It is sad to see how many people are being affected by child sexual abuse, but good to hear how God has blessed your obedience.

Jer, I am sorry about what your wife did to you. She has no excuse for not healing herself and hurting you because of it.

I am also a survivor of violent sexual childhood abuse that lasted over 7 years. I have always had faith in God but was not always a Godly woman. When I met my H we were both drinking and having premarital sex. HE is the one that did the bait and switch on me! After marriage (knew each other 1.5 yrs first) I found out that he was a porn addict/sex addict. Yes, a truly diagnosed one though he wasn't diagnosed at the time. He had told me right after marriage that he did not believe in porn. LOL, I have been fighting his addiction since 7 months into the marriage. He has also taken his addiction physical with another. I am the one who is now praying for the guidance of my Lord on how to forgive my husband. We are both damaged people. I know that if we can get through this we can have an awesome marriage. He just needs to become trustworthy and I need to forgive him.

Anyhoo, Just wanted to say thanks for sharing your testimony-even if it was directed at the OP.

Church is sometimes sadly one of the worst places to seek any kind of help for these things. I am a person with a very powerful sex drive. I was ridden with guilt for years because of congregations I was in that held the same views you described. There are some people who need sex less than others and too often those people are held up as "spiritual role models" to those of us who are less tolerant of the impulses we have. I can walk into a bar, have a drink (I wouldn't because I don't like drinking and it's against my religious views for my own life) or maybe even two or more and walk out without the impulse to stay and get plastered. Not everyone can do that and it would be foolish to assume that I posses a higher form of spirituality because I am not prone to that temptation. But many chuches and theologies seem to have no problem in doing just that were sexual temptation is concerned. even though my walk with The Lord has matured greatly, I still have the same drive though now I have found an outlet for it in a wonderful marriage.

A person who does have the problem with wanting to get plastered after one or two drinks should stay out of bars and perhaps not even take the first or second drink. Just like a single with a normal to high sex drive should figure out some boundaries before they start dating.

Everyone has their areas of difficulties. These are the things we work out with God, not change the rules to suit ourselves.

[quote=rppearso;50183851] Ok I am confused. Your wife did have sex with you, but she didn't want to do certain things? This may seem like a strange question, but were you, or are you into porn?

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Dark and difficult times lie ahead. Soon we must all face the choice between what is right and what is easy.
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"You seem to be laboring under the delusion that I am going to - what is the phrase? 'Come quietly.' I am afraid I am not going to come quietly at all, Cornelius... "-Dumbledore via J.K. Rowling

How you feel is understandable. It does not make you a pagan either.

Just move on with your life and be a blessing in the lives of others.

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To know all is to forgive all.

Honestly I do think you are addicted to sex. It seems like your marriage was ruined because you where not getting as much sex as you wanted and not getting it in the ways that you wanted.

While I don't agree that she should just suddenly cut you off from something and its a marital duty to have regular sex with your spouse, I still think you are addicted.

The main reason for this is because as soon as your wife left you, you immediatly found someone else and started commiting adultry with her.

While you do hit on a problem in some churchs in that they focus too much on sex and that the focus does make some people even after they are married feel like sex is evil, I don't think you can blame the church for this.

While you might have tried it "The Christian way" before you got married, I feel like you didn't try it the Christian way after you got married. And that is what caused your problems. Not what you did before then.

Another thing I am reading in this whole thread that is catching my eye..

"Me me me me me me me me me me me me me"

Its all about your sex and your pleasure and your happiness and what you want. Now don't get me wrong, I have been in a place like this (temporarily) so I am not claiming complete innocence. Your attitude seems very familiar and it sounds a lot like my attitude when I've made the worst mistakes in my past and slid into Apostasy. Thankfully the Holy Spirit rescued me from this.

But when you are concentrated on yourself then its hard to love your wife properly and its hard to obey God.

God does not serve you or your desires. If something you want is in his will for your life, he will place it in your grasp to receive it. However he is not there to serve your desires. You are suppose to serve God.

I'm not trying to say havn't been through some tough times or that your problems are easy. I'm not saying that I've experienced said problems. But I am saying that I don't think your problems are an excuse to act the way you are.

You seem firmly in a state of Apostasy. I will pray the Holy Spirit rescues you and restores you from this state.

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"We have concluded to test your sincerity by asking you to send us our wages for the time we served you. . . I served you faithfully for thirty-two years, and Mandy twenty years. At twenty-five dollars a month for me, and two dollars a week for Mandy, our earnings would amount to eleven thousand six hundred and eighty dollars. Please send the money by Adams's Express, in care of V. Winters, Esq., Dayton, Ohio."

Jourdon Anderson, ex-slave, in response to his fomer master asking him to return