Issues with communication

PuffBall · #1 29th November 2003, 10:09 AM

Hey everyone I am new to this board. My husband and I are newly weds and we are going through a lot of little struggles. We have are both christians and we have devotions together each night we are together.

Anyway my problem is that we have a really tough time communicating with one another. I am really sensitive and he is 'a matter of fact' kind of guy so he tells it like it is. Lately I have been noticing that sometimes when I start talking about something he cuts me off to tell me something that he feels can't wait. It really makes me feel like what I have to say is not as important. I talked to him about it and he really doesn't realize that he is even doing it. What should I do about this??? Is there something that I can do to make him realize that he is doing this? Are there any websites out there that can help me out? I have been praying about it!

Hope I am posting in the right place.

karla · #2 29th November 2003, 12:46 PM

My husband had the same problem with cutting me off and it drove me crazy. He too didn't realize that he was doing it. For us, what worked was that each time he started to cut me off I would tell him that I really want to hear what you have to say, but I need to finish what I was saying first. It took awhile, but he doesn't interrupt me anymore. I know how frustrating it can be.

SadFella · #3 29th November 2003, 02:13 PM

I know exactly how you feel. *I* was guilty of the same thing with my wife. I would interupt her. Karla's idea is very good one. Another thing you can do is hand him a piece of paper and a pen and let him write two words down to remind him what he was going to say. Often time, people interupt because they are affraid they may forget what they wanted to say.

Hope I helped.

mamaneenie · #4 29th November 2003, 05:19 PM

Originally Posted by SadFella

I know exactly how you feel. *I* was guilty of the same thing with my wife. I would interupt her. Karla's idea is very good one. Another thing you can do is hand him a piece of paper and a pen and let him write two words down to remind him what he was going to say. Often time, people interupt because they are affraid they may forget what they wanted to say.

Hope I helped.

Yep, there is some very good advice from these 2 people. The first year is the hardest year of marriage because you are sorting out your differences and the things that bug you. Hang in there. When you are doing your devotionals, do you include a time where you can talk just about your relationship and how you are coping. I would just say to your husband, please don't interrupt, just listen to me, then tell him how you feel when he interrupts you. It may not stop overnight, but just wait and see what happens. When he knows how you feel he may not understand he does it at first. Pray and let God convict him and remind him when he does it. We are all flawed human beings who have much work to do.

desi · #5 30th November 2003, 12:19 AM

Originally Posted by PuffBall

Hey everyone I am new to this board. My husband and I are newly weds and we are going through a lot of little struggles. We have are both christians and we have devotions together each night we are together.

Anyway my problem is that we have a really tough time communicating with one another. I am really sensitive and he is 'a matter of fact' kind of guy so he tells it like it is. Lately I have been noticing that sometimes when I start talking about something he cuts me off to tell me something that he feels can't wait. It really makes me feel like what I have to say is not as important. I talked to him about it and he really doesn't realize that he is even doing it. What should I do about this??? Is there something that I can do to make him realize that he is doing this? Are there any websites out there that can help me out? I have been praying about it!

Hope I am posting in the right place.

Sounds like me and my wife. He probably wants the quick and dirty about whatever you are talking about instead of the schenic route through your story. If I were you I'd try to be concise and to the point when talking to him to avoid him losing interest. If that doesn't work you might want to explain to him how important it is to you that he hears all of what you have to say. If you are hitting him up right after work you might want to wait an hour or so after he gets home so he can 'switch gears' from work talk to home talk. Remember he doesn't do this because he is rude so much as he is used to communicating differently because of who he is.

mamaneenie · #6 30th November 2003, 12:22 AM

Originally Posted by desi

Sounds like me and my wife. He probably wants the quick and dirty about whatever you are talking about instead of the schenic route through your story. If I were you I'd try to be concise and to the point when talking to him to avoid him losing interest. If that doesn't work you might want to explain to him how important it is to you that he hears all of what you have to say. If you are hitting him up right after work you might want to wait an hour or so after he gets home so he can 'switch gears' from work talk to home talk. Remember he doesn't do this because he is rude so much as he is used to communicating differently because of who he is.

I definitely agree with waiting until he unwinds from work. I ALWAYS let my husband unwind from work, before I hit him with "please play with your son" or "can I please have some money for a new dress" In fact if it is a big thing I want to talk to him about and really important, I wait until my son goes to bed, cook a nice dinner or dessert and talk after that. It usually gets the message through.

Evening Mist · #7 1st December 2003, 11:06 AM

This used to happen with us too -- Dh would interupt me. Still does from time to time, but it isn't as bad as it was.

It helped me to recognize that is how men often talk with each other -- there have been actual studies done (and no, I'm not going to look them up now) showing that men interupt more than women, even when talking with each other. The theory is that men think in terms of "competing" when they exchange ideas while women thinkin terms of "relating." I'm sure this doesn't hold true across the board for every person, and I also suspect that its a socialized tendancy (and something that can be overcome.)

We talked about this openly, and I think that Dh came to gradual understanding of the fact that he and I are on the same team when we have a conversation. He listens much better now. We've both had to work on certain things in order to have a good marriage, and one thing he has really had to concentrate on is letting go of the mentality that everything is a competition.

When he does interupt from time to time, I don't respond to what he has said. I just quietly pointed out, "You just interupted me. I feel as if you are not interested in what I am saying." He generally apologizes and lets me finished.

ceres · #8 4th December 2003, 09:26 PM

if it is bad enough, get counseling, but whatever you do don't let it affect your communication long term... it is very important

HeReigns · #9 9th December 2003, 04:09 PM

I have done this to my wife too. But, we are both comedian types I guess you would say. In the first couple of years of marriage she would just sit back while I interupted, then later I told her to tell me about it when I do it. So we come up with some kind of funny saying, it keeps us from feeling upset at each other because we don't feel like we are scolding each other. We always try to think of something different and let me tell ya, you can just crack up laughing sometimes at the things we come with, keep the mood light and we both get to talk!

PuffBall · #10 21st December 2003, 11:14 AM

Hello everyone,
Thanks so much for the response. I have talked to him about it and he is a little more aware of it as time goes on. It is definately not as bad as before. If I mention when he cuts me off too much though it tends to gets him down so I have to find away to tell him in a funny way (just like in the last post). I feel a little better knowing that this is not an uncommon issue between couples.

Thanks again for the replies. This is a great forum!