How abundant is your life as a single?

Jenster · #1 4th October 2008, 04:58 AM

I was thinking about this tonight after I read a friend's blog. He's married and I find he lives a very rich social and spiritual life. I wondered to myself: IS that because he is married?

I compared my life to his and felt it isn't abundant like his is. I know, we shouldn't compare our lives to anyone else's -- but I did!

There's no particular answer to my question. Maybe his being married has provided him with stability and opportunity and support that I haven't had. Maybe I hold myself back because I'm still "waiting to be married" before I do certain things, like buying a home.

Another possibility is that I just don't have goals and priorities. Or that my goals and priorities are different, and I just need to appreciate them.

Anyway, thought I'd throw these thoughts out there for discussion, comment.

mina · #2 4th October 2008, 06:41 PM

I think with marriage there is a lot of connection in your life: connection with spouse, connection to people like you, connection with a church that caters to you, etc... I can see how that can lead to a rich social and even spiritual life. I'm a shy person and being a single is , well, lonely. I find that it's hard to have connections, even with other singles. Even when i try to step outside that shyness and be bold and assertive, the connections i want to have I don't seem to be able to get. Just my perspective. I'm only 29 and i can imagine it only gets worse if i get older and stay single.

Jenster · #3 4th October 2008, 09:41 PM

Thanks for sharing your perspective, mina.

I'm sorry that being single is lonely for you, but I understand how that feels!

I don't think there's a magic age at which we start feeling "old and single." For some, it's 23 because all their friends have gotten married and are starting to have babies. For others, it's not until their 30s (or older!) if their peers are all career oriented and single.

I agree that marriage comes with connections. There are similar, shared goals among married people/families. When I look at my church, I see a lot of families hanging out together regularly. They want to support one another and they want their children to be friends.

With the singles, it's completely different. If we have a mutual goal, it's to get married. Even though we *could* help each other in that goal (I wouldn't mind), I've found most men and women are too embarrassed (or proud? I don't know!) to get involved in throwing singles potlucks, etc.

It didn't used to be that way. We used to have a thriving singles group. But I've invited some of the singles to a whole bunch of different singles events outside our church, and only maybe one person has even come. So even though we all may want to get married, people aren't interested in helping each other get to that goal. Maybe it's because some men at my church would like to date some of the women, but they've been rebuffed. I genuinely don't know. I think it's more embarrassment of being single and not wanting to look desperate, frankly.

On a related note: This afternoon I was journaling, and I realized that I need to strengthen my "core group" of friendships. Do you guys feel like you have a core group?

I remember one Bible teacher gave an example of Jesus, how he had three closest disciples, then a group of 12, then the crowds. The teacher said it's essential for us to feel like we have a close group of friends with whom we can share life deeply.

Often it seems like I as a single have to fight to keep that core bunch of friends close. It takes persistence and patience. People's schedules and availability keep changing based on their jobs, hobbies, ministry, other friendships, dating, families, etc.

Married people have that built-in core with their spouse and children. Hopefully, it's a healthy, happy core, although I realize it's not always that way and that some of the loneliest people are married to spouses who don't really want to be close to them. But if the family is close, then it is certainly helpful to the husband and wife to not have to continually try to pull together a core social group, as singles often have to. And in fact, I don't even have a "group" per se, just a bunch of individual friendships.

Just two more cents on the topic.

ETA: I realize I sound like I'm moaning, so ... on the flip side, I should say I also feel that the Lord has not left me alone. His presence is always near, even when I'm too involved in myself to appreciate it.

cowboysfan1970 · #4 4th October 2008, 10:47 PM

There are times when it's perfect. Or at least seems that way. When I hear of a couple going through a divorce, especially if it's a bad one, I imagine that my life might seem pretty good to them. When you are single you don't really have to plan your life around someone else very much or have to be on the same page with another person that often. But then there are those times that it seems as cold and isolated as Siberia in January. Sometimes I see a married couple that really loves each other and when they are together it's like they don't even know that the rest of the world exists and I think that I would love to know what that's like.

Carolyn H · #5 6th October 2008, 12:10 PM

I pray for His will in my life!!! I do not know what "HE WILLS" except that it is perfect for me!!!!

HopeFaithLove4u · #6 6th October 2008, 05:04 PM

Originally Posted by Jenster

I was thinking about this tonight after I read a friend's blog. He's married and I find he lives a very rich social and spiritual life. I wondered to myself: IS that because he is married?

I compared my life to his and felt it isn't abundant like his is. I know, we shouldn't compare our lives to anyone else's -- but I did!

There's no particular answer to my question. Maybe his being married has provided him with stability and opportunity and support that I haven't had. Maybe I hold myself back because I'm still "waiting to be married" before I do certain things, like buying a home.

Another possibility is that I just don't have goals and priorities. Or that my goals and priorities are different, and I just need to appreciate them.

Anyway, thought I'd throw these thoughts out there for discussion, comment.

You know what's so weird?!

I've been pretty content being single and even after my last break up.....I just didn't want to try to be in a relationship anymore, they are sooooooo hard!!

BUT THEN, I joined facebook and I'm coming across all my friends from high school I haven't seen in a long time and they are all married!!! I'm starting to feel there is something wrong with ME! And why didn't MY marriage work out and why am I still single?!

flnativegrl · #7 6th October 2008, 10:11 PM

I think it depends largely on what we define as a "rich social life". For me, it means spending time with family and friends. It also includes ministry - of which I had not been active in for the better part of 3 years. I didn't realize until just recently how much I missed being a Sunday School teacher until I started teaching again last month. Now, I feel like my "social life" is rounding out again nicely.

Family does become the "core friendships" when you're in a relationship. My kids are part of that core for me and to a great extent my life revolves around them and their activities. But, when they are away at their dad's house, I have other people that are part of that core that help me stay feeling connected. My sister and one good friend have been real anchors in my life and I'm working on branching out and getting to know more people.

I'm tired and I've been sick all day, so I probably just rambled senselessly.

Jenster · #8 7th October 2008, 03:24 AM

Thanks for the thoughts, everyone. FlNGrl, you made perfect sense, so I'm not sure what that says about me.

(I AM tired, so maybe that's it!)

Hope, yeah, there's an awful comparison factor that creeps in every now and then, isn't there? Sometimes I feel the most "single" when I'm at church, surrounded by all the families and couples. Yikes. I think it takes effort to keep oneself balanced, and that involves knowing which situations make you feel abnormal (and staying away from those situations!)

Carolyn, I appreciate your faith.

CBfan, true true. I have a great deal of freedom as a single person, and I try to appreciate that. I actually do, especially on Saturdays when I don't have any solid plans and I feel really fortunate to do whatever I want to. But then there are the other days ...

Despite what I wrote above to Hope, I do think some couples in my church make an effort not to be all lovey-dovey in front of other people. I appreciate that. I hope that when/if I get married, I will remember that and be sensitive to singles' feelings, while also living as an example of being a good spouse.

So about the "core group" of friends, I've decided to plan each week and make sure I have enough social time scheduled. This week, I'm having dinner with a friend on Tuesday, lunch with a friend on Friday and going out with some church folks on Saturday night. I hope that will be enough to keep me from feeling lonely this week.

justanobserver · #9 8th October 2008, 01:55 AM

Originally Posted by Jenster

How abundant is your life as a single?

I was thinking about this tonight after I read a friend's blog. He's married and I find he lives a very rich social and spiritual life. I wondered to myself: IS that because he is married?

I compared my life to his and felt it isn't abundant like his is. I know, we shouldn't compare our lives to anyone else's -- but I did!

There's no particular answer to my question. Maybe his being married has provided him with stability and opportunity and support that I haven't had. Maybe I hold myself back because I'm still "waiting to be married" before I do certain things, like buying a home.

Another possibility is that I just don't have goals and priorities. Or that my goals and priorities are different, and I just need to appreciate them.

Anyway, thought I'd throw these thoughts out there for discussion, comment.

My life is growing in its abundance as a single older male that is about a year old in christian and gone thru the wringer but still praying each day. Now, to define what is abundant due to being married as opposed to being single - apples and oranges. Both ahs its pros and cons.

I enjoy aspects of being single but now and then I will see a couple thats at least in their 70s on a walk or at a restaraunt holding hands obviously still in love and I get a streak of envy.

But then I have to look at my reality of that I may be single the rest of life and I will make the best of what I am and what I got and make it as abundant as I can.

So, at this time, yes, my life as a single person is growing in its abundance. I am learning who I am with me and with God and christians as a whole, coming to grips and peace with a past that isnt pretty, that stil wakes me up at night but on the whole, it can only get better.

eatenbylocusts · #10 8th October 2008, 03:06 AM

I'm working on this. I took the plunge and signed up for the 7 week introduction class for my new church and that first week was such a blessing. I'm going again tomorrow. After I finish I anticipate that I will join a small group and get connected in the church. My single's pastor at my "singles" church had been pushing for me to come to his small group of "hand-picked" singles and I'm going to try to do that on Thursdays.
I need to be fed spiritually relationship-wise more than just once a week on Sunday so I'm hoping this really helps and I don't end up stretching myself too thin. My kids aren't hanging out with other church kids and I'm hoping that changes too. My dd doesn't have friends which is just one more hurt. I did make a new female friend and look forward to seeing her on Thursdays.