Testimonies for the Lord

lilmissmontana · #1 26th August 2008, 05:18 PM

I've spoken to rmw8855 and she's going to sticky this. It is a thread for testimonies only.

My Testimony

I was born in 1953. My mom was an only adopted child. My dad was the oldest boy of eight children. I'm the oldest of four.

I suppose my childhood was normal until I was seven. I have next to no memory of it. A memory of being locked in a closet at my grandma's and I see pictures and I kind of can almost remember. I remememer my first day of school and a few things, but not much.

My first real memories start somewhere around seven. There are not many good ones ... mostly fear of the unknown ... fear of making a mistake ... and fear of what was going on around me. Somewhere in this time things in our family spiraled into hell on earth. My mom was drinking and running around and my dad was frazzled and angry. It just got worse and worse. Then my mom left. Just left. The first time she was gone for three days ... the next time it was forever. I've seen her once since. My dad decided it was for the best if we didn't see our grandparents, either.

Somewhere in this time frame God introduced Himself to me and I've held on to Jesus with everything I've had since. I started walking myself to different churches and things. I just loved the Lord so much. No one planted that. It was between me and Jesus from the start.

My dad is a good man who loves the Lord but the years after my mom left were very lonely and confusing. Not long after my mom left I was molested by a neighbor girl's boyfriend. We had been through a string of babysitters from hell. Dad had finally decided when he worked graveyard we were asleep and better off without a sitter. And there was a lot of truth in that. He gave the key to a neighbor girl in HS that babysat us sometimes in case of emergency ... it was her boyfriend. Anyway in my little world of trying to survive I decided we were moving to a neighboring town in a few weeks anyway so I'd just get through until then and put it behind me ... and the memory was erased until I was 12. The time until then was spent learning how to live without a mom in a word of people who persecuted our family for what happened. When the memory came back a new battle began ... a battle of tics and twitches and all kinds of embarrassing things ...

meanwhile I was dealing with the mind heavily. I kept seeing Jesus in a horrible sexual way ... I spent a long time overcoming that and the nervous tics and the now intensely cold home I lived in. We had good times occasionally when dad could step outside of his pain but mostly it was coming home everyday wondering what mood dad was in ... and there were months he didn't speak. It was a good solid life ... for sure all of our flesh needs were met.

I was painfully shy ... I could not even look at boys until I was fourteen ... I didn't know what to say ... I thought they just caused pain and I was just plain scared to death of them. Then along came Doug. From the first time I met him I loved him. And I wasn't afraid of him for some reason. We went together for two and a half years ... it was so good! I felt loved. And safe ... and I knew it was real.

One day I went to school and I knew something was wrong and no one would tell me. I finally found out Doug had gotten another girl pregant and their parents made them get married. I was devestated to say the least. I cried until I was eighteen ... then I just got mad. One day I met this guy who was seven years older than me. I had absolutley no idea of evil until after that. He wooed me and made me feel special. We became common law married. I felt I needed to make it work ... that it was a marriage and that was that.

Seven years later I was brought to nothing. He beat me and tortured me for all those years and then took my children from me. I had no guidance or help or any way to help me and the kids. I finally found a job at a bar. I'd been living on the street for two months. I just needed a job. Through the job I met a man who decided he was going to marry me. He followed me around until it drove me nuts. I didn't want no part of men. They just hurt you. I kept trying to deal with not seeing my kids and started drinking heavily. One day I got tired of the man following me and said fine ... let's just get married then ... I just didn't care anymore.

We were married in a drunken jaunt to Idaho. We had two children and were married 21 years. He wanted no part of church or the Lord. He always said he had enough of that shoved down his throat growing up. I was too young and naive to know the danger in that. The last ten years were very lonely. My children were busy with their high school years and my husband just ignored me.

It ended because I start seeing Doug again. We could spend all day on the rights and wrongs. The truth is my marriage couldn't have worked because it wasn't a marriage the Lord could bless. I didn't even want it at the start.

The mistake I made was that I was tired of the cold way people treated me and openly defied God. I remember the day I did it. I was standing in the business I owned so tired of being so unloved. I just said to God. I'm going back to the last time I felt loved. (That was Doug) I said I know this is the wrong way and I don't care. I'm doing it and I'll fix things with God later. No. God fixed me later and it wasn't pleasant. I should have revered the Lord.

I went and found Doug and he was married but they hadn't lived together for over two years. For some stupid reason I thought that made it ok. Not for me ... I knew I was wrong ... I was married ... but for Doug. Before it was better I lost my twenty-one year marriage, my home, my health, my business, my self-respect, you name it. We began a relationship that was great for a while but obviously couldn't be blessed. I got a divorce and he kept putting his off. Not because of her. But because he kept saying the Lord knew who his wife was and truly didn't see the problem. Meanwhile his other ex-wife and the still wife were constantly disrupting our lives. I wanted to follow the Lord and kept getting sicker.

I went to a healing at the church and came home and asked Doug to move out until he got things squared away and me too. He did and it was a pretty rough few months. The Lord came to me in a dream and told me it would be but a short while before Doug was back with me. And he was.

The pain I deal with daily is the pain of the damage done to my relationship with my children that were forced from me. They were told many lies and to this day they live but a few miles from here and I can't see my grandchildren and my children think horrible things about me. My son who loved me died a few years ago. I only had a short time of restored relationship with him before he died, Praise the Lord! My ex's family made me stand behind my other son and their dad while they did the twenty one gun salute. They cremated him, which he didn't want, and I am the one with no ashes. That's alright. He isn't here anyway. He's with the Lord. To be absent from here is present with the Lord. It just would be nice at some point to be treated like I'm human. My children were taken 28 years ago and people still bad mouth me here. I didn't run somewhere else. I don't live my life according to what they think. I don't waver easy as some think.

My two youngest from the next marriage are difficult relationships. My youngest and my dad think I'm not smart enough to understand God's word and love me but make sure they know I know I'm not smart enough. My one daughter is here but is a very difficult (since she was born) child. She loves me but has an impossible time trusting anyone and is full of rage since she was born. Complications at birth now combined with a harsh life. She has a son, Kayden ... I love him so much and watched over him for almost three years until I got sick last fall and they gave him to his dad in Portland because I couldn't watch him. I believe that is when my heart really broke. I could feel Kayden's pain at being taken from me and it just started the cycle of pain all over ... The same pain I could feel from a distance when they took my children. It was from the pain ... nothing else.

While I was fighting for my life last fall (I was very ill for a long time) when Doug would go to work ... I couldn't take care of myself and no one came to help. I took so loving care of all my children yet my children just did not care and my one who did was in her own world of hurt over losing Kayden ...

We still don't understand why the court didn't make the father pay child support so she could be with him. The minimum wage in this state is nothing less than inhuman so she had to work too many hours so the courts thought it wasn't enough time with Kayden left. What a joke. Just more pain.

I've struggled and struggled with why I'm not allowed to have anyone in my life to love me. Doug is with me now and we are married and I know he loves me. I try for that to be enough. But this is what I know. I know that every single person that loves me is taken away. So I sit in fear of the day he is gone, too. I fear God because He has the power to make my life something other than painful. I fear the day I will do something so wrong He casts me away forever. I know that's not true but I can't stop the fear. I trust Jesus, though. I know He loves me and I know there is a reason and I know someday it will all make sense. My big goal in life is to see heaven and know it was not all for nought. I know God loves me and I love Him and trust Him so much ... that's the thing ... it's a journey ... it doesn't happen overnight. My second goal is to never make anyone feel the guilt and hurt and pain I live with.

I work every day to overcome these feelings of worthlessness. It's just really hard sometimes to see a reason for me. Look at the list of those missing in my life. My grandparents, my mom, my children, my grandchildren. I look around every day and see families with love and they have relationships with their loved ones. Last year my oldest had a daughter born on Jan. 1. It was in the papers and a big tadoo. I wasn't named as family. I haven't seen her yet. Her brother is five. I've seen him once.

Then there is the pain of watching them do this to my dad, too.

This is what I live with every day. Daily reminders I'm not good enough for this world. I must always remember I'm good enough for the Lord. I have 21 offspring and nothing close to a relationship with any of them. I don't understand and I know when I fall into despair it's what the enemy wants. More guilt. I can't stop the fear and despair. I do really well for a long time and then down I go again. I think it hurts most when someone says I despair too easily. They just don't know what it took for me to break. So now I'm working my way back up again. I believe we're not lost when we fall ... we're lost when we don't get back up.

The moral of my story ...if there is one ... is this life will not break me. God does not give us more than we can take. I don't know why I have to feel so much pain all the time but I do know there is a reason and I know that the rare moments of feeling loved and safe are in my time with the Lord. He is the good part ... not the bad. Some say "just rest in Jesus." They never tell you how. Faith isn't easy. Today I understand some say those things to me because they truly don't get that you just can't tell someone to do those things. Just like that. Right now. Just rest. What I know is this. There is nothing in this horrid, hateful world that will make me leave God or Jesus or the Holy Spirit. They are the ONLY thing to get me here so far. And maybe someone will find peace through this testimony that it is so important to keep fighting ... no matter what anyone tells you think you're doing wrong or not smart enough to understand or not good enough. Those are just lies. If there was one thing I would say to others it's that it is SO very important to be VERY careful what we say to others. That if someone is hurting it doesn't have to be because they aren't doing something right. We must spread words of love not words of guilt and condemantion.

Some say grace is sufficient. That is true. It just isn't the end of the story. There is much more. They just don't know. And they just can't feel the pain. God loves me and Jesus loves me and the Holy Spirit loves me ... it's me that hates me. I understand that that's the bridge I have to cross. I know in my mind Jesus is that bridge. I just can't seem to get over there. But I will because I have those rare moments of Amen (absolute knowledge of the Lord's goodness) to hang on to. Because I tell you here if it were ok to just end this life that is a bridge I would have crossed a long time ago. If I can do just one right thing it will be to not cross that bridge. And that's the bridge that tells me how strong I am in the Lord. I WILL be here in spite of me until the day the Lord chooses otherwise. Sometimes I just want a mom to love me the way I would love my children if they would have me. I was 38 years old before I even mourned for my mother. It never even occurred to me I missed her that much. It was more about survival without her.

God bless and I pray this helps someone. in Jesus name ... Amen.

Ariel · #2 29th August 2008, 07:08 PM

LMM, I read your testimony with tears in my eyes. One thing I see in it all the way through--your love for God and your persistence to not give up and not let go. Yes, you are fighting, and YES! it is so much worth it!

Like you I have had a lot of hurt in my life--but also like you I have determined that whatever happens I am going to go on with God. This is the strength I see in you that is so commendable. As I pray for you I am reminded of the verse in Job that says 'when He has tried me I shall come forth as gold," Job 23:10. You are gold, my sister, bright shining gold--a testament of the love of God and His work in your life.

I love you, dear one. I am praying for you. Remember that you are much loved--your heavenly Father loves you and calls you His own precious daughter, His jewel, His pearl of great price.

byhisstripes · #3 17th September 2008, 02:01 PM

My moms name is Donna and my dad Gary, together they had Vanessa the oldest Me the middle child,and Amber the youngest, and a few others before hand that died within the first trimester(because of moms blood type).
My mom and dad divorced when I was around 2, and so my grandma had to quite her job as a RN to take care of us because they were going to seperate us and stick us in foster homes. Well because Amber was a baby she was the only one Donna wanted. It was a constint battle with Donna upuntil my dad won custody of us.
Donna remarried the man that she had been cheating on my dad with and they later had a son together Adam. Well Donna was supposed to take us every other weekend for visitation only she chumped out most of the time and when she did have us she left us with babysitters while she went out and partied.
Meanwhile my dad moved to Kalispell and eventually married our babysitter Shelly and they had a son together Brad. Thats when it all started.
Things went well for a while but then it happened I woke up and turned on the news and there was Donna on tv with hand cuffs...What! I was confused and surprised all at the same time so I turned up the volume and thats when I heard it, she had hired a man to Kill my step dad and she was going to pay this man over a million dollars from the life insurance policy she would be recieving from her husband dying. She had a little boy only months old. How could she do this...why would she do this?
The next several years were hard. Not getting to see her on certin weekends, not seeing her on holidays or birthdays now what? Just a random phone call ever now and then.
Well in the mean time, Shelly and dad were having issues but one thing she promised us was that she would never leave us like that...she just couldn't see how someone could do such things. It would be a year after Donna went to prison that things got real bad. Shelly would take brad to the doctor for EVERYTHING. She had him on riddlin for ADD and or ADHD to every thereapist in the book if he even sneezed it was to the doc they would go and she maxed out credit cards and dad would give her money to pay bills and she would go spend it.
One spring day at church they were talking about Bible camp and how it was time to register for it. I told grandma that I really wanted to go and knowing dad couldn't afford it she talked to the church and I got to go. While I was there I heard a message about Jesus and how he loved us and gave his son to die so that we could live forever with him. I gave my heart to the Lord that day and it was the best day of my life, actually it was about 10 at night. I was 7 years old. When the end of the week came I was so heart broken because I knew what I had to go home to. Dad yelling all the time, and Shelly and everything else it was real heartbreak. I remember when we got to grandmas house I sat on the steps and cried because I wanted to go back...infact I never wanted to leave, Jesus was there!
Winter came and things at home got worse but I still held on. Grandma and Grandpa would pick us up every sunday and wed. night like always and bring us to church. He would give each of us three girls a quarter to put into the offering and then take us home again afterward. The rest of the week though was not so great. I missed the bus one day and walked home, well when you walk you always beat the bus, know one knew that I had missed the bus, but when I came home and opened the door there was my dad in a chair in the kitchen and Shelly standing behind him, his face a fierce red and she was holding a butcher knife to his throat, I asked what was going on and she quickly put the knife away and replied nothing we were just playing. Dad went to the back of the trailor and didn't say a word. I too never said anything and to this day my siblings have no clue of the incident.
We woke up and got ready for school, and when shelly went in to wake Brad up he wouldn't wake up so we had to rush him to the E.R. He spent a week there and was sent home, he supposedly knocked a bottle of Nyquil on the floor and then drank it. Then about a month later he over dosed again but this time on tylenol and had to be rushed to the E.R. When we went home to search his room there was the bottle open and under the bed his cat lay dead next to it. He spent 2 weeks in the hospital and then came home it was around the 4th of July. The next day he over dosed again on tylenol and went into this almost eplectic seasure and we again rushed him but this time his white blood count was so low they had to fly him to Seattle Childrns Hospital. He spent at least a month maybe more there, and just as he would get better he would take an unsuspected turn for the worst, there came a time when they didn't think he was going to make it. Then one day Brad told on her, the doctor just happen to come into the room when she was about to poison him and the doctor asked what was behind her back she replied nothing, he asked her again and nothing, then Brad said mom tell him what you got. She replied nothing. The doctor asked her to leave the room and wait in the waiting room and Brad told the doctor that she had the thing you give shots with and she puts it into the tube. Then they found out that when he would use the bathroom she would injct it into his IV and it gave him Ecoli and something else.
They rushed him into surgery and during surgery half his heart stopped beating, at this time it was a matter of life or death, every second was preciouse and counted. By the grace of God he pulled through, God was with Brad that day, he spared him his life. He had to have his spleen removed and his apendix. But he lived. Shelly was arrested that day and sent to prison, it was a bitter sweet time in every sence of the word. We lost another "mom" but at least my brother was ok he was only 2.
There are two things I learned from this, one is that God will never leave us nor forsake us and also that He will never give us more than we can bear, and every time I think differantly I just remember what that little 2 year old boy went through, and more importantly how he made it out. I guess 3 things, I also learned that we are preciouse in the eyes of God and he has something in store for Brad a greater perpose, and he may not know it now but soon enough he will.
I guess that would be the end but it will never truely be the end until I die, then I go to heaven and still....no end.
Well I then put up the biggest tallest wall one could possibly imagine, garanteed never to let anyone else get close. I still went to church every Sunday morning and evening and wed. nights. If I couldn't find a ride I would walk or ride my bike. There were even times I would literally care my little brother on my back all the way to church about 3 miles or so. Well then I got a car and was old enough to drive so I drove myslef. Donna is out of prison now and still playing her games of I want to be a mom now, then when she didn't feel like it she was done playing mom. This got old real quick so I started going on missions trips not only to avoid going with her but for the experience as well. Life seemed to be ok. What I didn't realise was that if I wasnt at church or work, I was locking myslef in my bedroom not talking to anyone. I was becomming depressed. I started comming up with ways to kill myself. I went to work and ate food I knew was bad, that didn't work, stood on the rail of a balcony at a job someone came in and so that was out, I even decided not to eat, this had to work and know one would suspect suicide. Only it didn't go as planned. I just wouldn't die! I over dosed on diet pills, tried to drink myself to death on soda to no avail. So I kinda gave up.
Then I met this boy and things were great. I was the center of his world only I had to go to see him and I had to call him and I had to plan the dates and I had to listen to him complain about his parents and no friends, and no job. Then we went to Bible camp and spent the whole summer together walking around the river and drinking coffee and then 2 years later we were engaged. Well things sort of happened and I married someone else and he married someone else and we went our own ways. And this is where my testimony continues to make history from day to day.
I will continue to serve the Lord with all my heart with all my soul and with all my strength, no matter what challenges and frustrations I face from day to day. Even if I'm the only on left to stand for the Lord, I will do so. (Im sure I never will be). I will continue to strive to grow closer to Jesus and God and the Holy Spirit no matter the cost. This is my testimony and I pray that it blesses and encourages someone.
"Blessed is the heart that gets broken but keeps holding on,for another day~cause thats what it means to live by faith."

Dub · #4 8th October 2008, 07:42 AM

You so encourage me my sister,no matter all the mountains before you, your zeal for the Lord never died,you really encourage me.....May God watch over you all the days of your life.
Oh, how great is Your goodness, which You have laid up for those who fear, revere, and worship You, goodness which You have wrought for those who trust and take refuge in You before the sons of men!
In the secret place of Your presence You hide them from the plots of men;You keep them secretly in Your pavilion from the strife of tongues.

(PSALM 31:19,20)

For those who obey and trust Him there is peace, life. He protects them from all the dangers.
Yeah, there are times when we’ll be going through a lot that we even ask ourselves whether He is still watching over us, but despite all these sufferings we shouldn’t take our eyes from Him…for in Him there are no disappointments.

Dub · #5 8th October 2008, 07:42 AM

You so encourage me my sister,no matter all the mountains before you, your zeal for the Lord never died,you really encourage me.....May God watch over you all the days of your life.
Oh, how great is Your goodness, which You have laid up for those who fear, revere, and worship You, goodness which You have wrought for those who trust and take refuge in You before the sons of men!
In the secret place of Your presence You hide them from the plots of men;You keep them secretly in Your pavilion from the strife of tongues.

(PSALM 31:19,20)

For those who obey and trust Him there is peace, life. He protects them from all the dangers.
Yeah, there are times when we’ll be going through a lot that we even ask ourselves whether He is still watching over us, but despite all these sufferings we shouldn’t take our eyes from Him…for in Him there are no disappointments.

Hisbygrace · #6 15th October 2008, 09:09 AM

Originally Posted by Dub

You so encourage me my sister,no matter all the mountains before you, your zeal for the Lord never died,you really encourage me.....May God watch over you all the days of your life.
Oh, how great is Your goodness, which You have laid up for those who fear, revere, and worship You, goodness which You have wrought for those who trust and take refuge in You before the sons of men!
In the secret place of Your presence You hide them from the plots of men;You keep them secretly in Your pavilion from the strife of tongues.

(PSALM 31:19,20)

For those who obey and trust Him there is peace, life. He protects them from all the dangers.
Yeah, there are times when we’ll be going through a lot that we even ask ourselves whether He is still watching over us, but despite all these sufferings we shouldn’t take our eyes from Him…for in Him there are no disappointments.

Amen Dub!!

quietbloke · #7 19th October 2008, 11:20 AM

Hi 'lilmissmontana! Hi 'byhisstripes!

Have only just got round to reading these testimonies and my heart has been moved by them. You have been through so much,but thank God He has been with you and strengthened you through these events in Your lives. He is blessing others through you and you don't realise just how much a blessing you are here on the forum. So thankyou for being so honest and sharing these things with us.We love you so much!

byhisstripes · #8 20th October 2008, 12:24 PM

Thank you QB

Hisbygrace · #9 21st October 2008, 12:45 PM

When my dear husband Buck passed away in 2002 I asked my daughter to
take me to the funeral home before the family viewing that night. My reason,
because in my heart I wasn't sure how I would react when I saw him and I
wanted it to be an intimate and personal visitation. One of my greatest fears
in life had been that I would lose him.
About a year before his passing he had come to know and accept Jesus as his
personal Savior and Lord. O' the over-flowing joy in my heart the day that our
Pastor brought him before me and said, " Janice do you know your husband?"
and I answered, " Yes, Pastor" a little confused at the moment until I heard Pastor's
next words, " Well then, meet your new brother in Christ." What wonderful joy filled
me through and through, I ran around the front yard yelling thank You Lord!!
My testimony concerning this is, when I stood in front of of Buck's coffin I knew that
what I was seeing was only the tent covering him in this life. Amen! And as I continued
to stand there I felt a warmth I have never felt before, Jesus was surrounding us both.
It felt as if His spirit was encircling us, flowing through Buck and me and I could hear Him
telling me that He was going to take care of me, not to fear
what lay ahead, for I would not be alone or in need of anything that He would not
provide for me. And He has certainly kept that promise! When I feel down I have only
to remember that day, that moment and His promise and peace feels my soul.
Life is not always easy and I am learning more and more everyday. I pray that everyone
who receives His promises, stand firm on them, for He never changes and what He promises
He will always provide.
God bless everyone......

quietbloke · #10 24th October 2008, 08:07 AM

Thankyou so much for your testimony,'Hisbygrace!'

It was so moving to read it and see the way you came through your sorrow and are 'standing on the promises of God'. I think of the words of the first verse of the hymn,

'Father I place into Your hands the things I cannot do,
Father I place into Your hands the times that I've been through,
Father I place into Your hands,the way that I should go,
For I know I always can trust You'.

(Jenny Hewer)