Do you check out the divorce papers?

I was just getting my own divorce docs ready for filing and this thought crossed my mind.

When you start dating someone, do you obtain a copy of their divorce documents if they were married before?

I think it would be a good idea to do so. If they were divorced by agreement there's not really going to be much information there, but if it was not by agreement then it is likely that there would be allegations of the problems in the marriage (ex. adultery, drug use, physical abuse, etc.). Divorce, at least in the U.S., is usually a matter of public record and anyone can request a copy of the file.

What do you guys think?

No, but when my ex-bf seemed to be having some problems with conflict I asked him exactly how long he'd been divorced and he pulled out the papers. It hadn't been nearly as long as he thought it had been.

Since almost all of my dates have come about from internet dating sites I often do a search of their name when I have first and last. One guy I hadn't even talked to on the phone yet and I was trying to figure out if I wanted to when I found someone with the same name who had been arrested for child abuse. I already had an unsettled feeling about him, but that was it for me.

If you're really paying attention and don't get swept away, people will give you plenty of clues without going to the court house to look at their divorce paperwork. Mine wouldn't say much except show the ridiculously low child support I requested just to make sure he signed.

Originally Posted by ~Lynn~

If you can't trust the person on what they say, then don't date them at all.

The only problem being that oftentimes you don't know someone is untrustworthy until much later. Some people lie - and do it well.

I know in my marriage the lies just keep on being revealed. I'm at the point where I really don't even want to know what else was false - it's just too much.

Of course as much as that says about my husband, it also speaks equally to what a gullible dufus I am.

Not a doofus, Flibberty---just a very trusting soul who "hoped for the best" for way too long. Love ya--BTDT and even got the t-shirt! Anyway, don't pound yourself too hard. Parts of you kept wanting him to actually DO BETTER and believe him and that's a somewhat admirable quality. I think lovingly I'd suggest learning how to tell when someone actually IS trustworthy and when they are actually telling you "I don't want to do it." You'll get there--I have faith in ya!

Now, as to the divorce papers...I'm a little bit with ~Lynn~ on this one as my divorce papers are my private business and to me they represent the ending of an era. My personal agreements with my ex are my business...not someone whom I am thinking about dating.

However, I also understand what you're saying. These days all too often, people will say they are divorced when really they separated from their wife last week for dating the secretary! Here's how I solved that dilemna. First, I made sure MY OWN paperwork was done and I was healed a bit before * I * began dating! Second, I did take the time to learn how to tell if someone was trustworthy or not. I don't mean "magically telling if they are lying" (cuz who can tell that?) but rather how to tell if someone is behaving in a way that builds trust or tears it down. If they tear down trust--I don't date 'em. Period. Third, I personally made it a "rule" to not date a man who was still entangled with an ex. Now, any man who would catch my eye would have to love kids, so most likely if he had kids with his ex there would be some connection on some occasion. But there is a VAST difference between a man who is still daily being yanked around by his ex and running around doing little chores for her, and the man who drops off his kids for visitation, is polite, and is able to be equally firm in saying, "No I'm sorry my priority is elsewhere now." The second guy has broken is ties, know what I mean? So any guy who was still entangled with his ex or still had ties to her, was a guy I would NOT date!! Finally, I agree with eatenbylocusts. I kind of check 'em out on the internet and search for just the mention of a divorce record...see if there seems to be "backup" that his story is true. If not, then I go with my gut and "just say no!"


~Faithful

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In most US states, all divorce is no-fault, which means that the courts don't ask and don't care why you want to end the marriage. In the state I live in, the only thing that might show up in the divorce documents is if the defendant fails to show up for court dates, or if they can't be found at all. In my case, my ex-husband was living in another state when the papers went to the judge, so it was listed as abandonment, although he only left town after I threw him out, so the papers don't reflect the facts.

I agree, in many states the divorce papers don't tell you much except the property settelment and the child support/visitation arrangements. Of course, this tells you if they are properly divorced and if they have kids. If they are lying on either of these two, they should hit the road.

As for internet searches... Hummm... Well, that's how I found out about christian forums. I was background checking my brand new girlfriend and I wanted to know what her ex had to say about her. And he was on here badmouthing her so I read it. That isn't to say I belived it... I just wanted his perspective. I got it, digested it, and moved on. It provided cautionary words but that is all. We are now happily married and this is the happiest I have ever been in life. The funny thing is that most of what he said about her, tells me a lot more about him then it does about her.

So yes, I belive in using the internet to check up on potential dates. But remember, just because it's on the internet, it isn't necessarily true. There can be other people with the same name, people useing fake names, etc. Make sure the person you think you are reading about is the correct person, and make sure that you take everything with the appropriate grain of salt. It would be sad to miss the love of your life because someone else with the same name was a pedophile, or their ex was psyco and just hated their "logical" mind.

My divorce papers are private. So is my bank balance. I would consider it a huge invasion of privacy and if I found out that someone had somehow accessed my private papers - I would probably run.

I think a background check is better...and of course the universal questions....#1. Do you molest children? #2. Do you hit women?
#3. Do you torture animals?

All reasonable questions.

I have to think, in this day and age, a background check is just due diligance. Especialy if you have kids. It's one thing to trust your own judgement of a person but when you'r potentialy putting your kids in harms way... That's just reckless.

Yeah - a criminal background check is likely to tell you far more about a person than trying to locate their divorce papers. Most states *are* no fault - so you're not gonna find out a lick of the information you're looking for in those documents.