Do you check out the divorce papers?

When I started discussing a permanant relationship with my soon to be wife she showed me her divorce papers...I barely glanced at them...and was more interested in their headings than any thing else...but I did hand her mine.
She wanted the information as I am being harrassed by my ex...and has used it to silence her quite effectively.
(I don't think that those two will ever get along0

But to answer the OP's question:
Depends, I guess, on how much you plan on being vulnerable to each other.

Congratulations!

I do agree that I see myself potentially asking to see the divorce certificate if I would ever date a man who was divorced. Especially if I am deceived ever. Like one just said, if one is in a situation where one thinks the person is divorced, and it gets deeper, and then they find out that this person is actually still technically married......I do believe that I do NOT want to be dating anyone who is of that status; I believe the divorce MUST be final before one gets into a serious relationship, at least. All it takes is once, to be deceived, and then I would probably be a lot more suspicious.
Can you find it online? I don't know, but I am thankful for dating sites that screen participants that well; that one must be 100% available, and free from the process of divorce if they were married before.
But, as a widow of just under a year, I am only setting up standards right now. Being actually ready for dating, that is what I don't know if I can do for awhile. But the older I get, the greater chance there is of having to deal with such baggage; I just have different kind of baggage.

I'm divorced and I always thought I wouldn't date someone until their divorce was final too. But then I met my fiancee who was going through a drawn out divorce - it wasn't that he didn't want it to be final, but sometimes these things take a lot longer than anyone wants. And some places have laws about how long you have to be separated before you divorce (in my state, it's a year). So while I think it's a good idea in general not to date someone unless their divorce is final (and it's probably good to wait a while after that too), there may be exceptions.

I don't know if you can find the divorce certificate on-line, but in my opinion, if you have to look for it on-line then that's a red flag. If you think the other person is deceiving you, then why continue to date them? A divorce agreement may be too personal to share unless your relationship gets serious, but if all goes well, there should be a point where you talk about obligations to the ex and the other person willingly provides the certificate/agreement so you can see what you're getting into. If they aren't willing to do that, then they either aren't as committed to the relationship as you think or they are wanting to hide something. Either one would be important to know.

Originally Posted by Flibbertigibbet

I was just getting my own divorce docs ready for filing and this thought crossed my mind.

When you start dating someone, do you obtain a copy of their divorce documents if they were married before?

I think it would be a good idea to do so. If they were divorced by agreement there's not really going to be much information there, but if it was not by agreement then it is likely that there would be allegations of the problems in the marriage (ex. adultery, drug use, physical abuse, etc.). Divorce, at least in the U.S., is usually a matter of public record and anyone can request a copy of the file.

What do you guys think?

I think that the records dont always present the facts.
When I was divorcing I decided to not list the reasons I was divorcing but to just put Irreconcilable differences.
Anyone who was researching 'Christian' marriages would look at my divorce and see that just one more 'Christian' marriage ended for frivolous reasons, but that wasnt the case at all.
My ex had cheated a number of times and was insisting that I file and pay for a divorce so she could marry her BF that she had already moved in with.

So even tho we divorced and werent in agreement on anything, the divorce decree doesnt present that fact.

If my present wife didnt already know what happened the paperwork would seem to tell an entirely different story.

Ive been told more alot that the divorce isnt important, that the couple was "divorced in their hearts" and the final docs are just paper.

So should it even matter?

I'm in the UK and it would be extremely difficult here to obtain someone else's divorce records. These are held at the Principal Registry, are not available online, and you have to pay a substantial sum to have the records searched, just to reveal whether a divorce has taken place. It's made harder still, and much more expensive, if you don't have a rough idea of the relevant date, as searches are carried out in blocks of a certain number of years.

Even if you could obtain that information, it would only tell you there had been a divorce. The actual papers with statements and "Particulars" (as the reasons for the divorce are known) are held by the lawyers acting for the parties, and by the court itself. These are not accessible to third parties. The most likely way someone could access them would simply be by snooping through their new partner's papers - I would regard that as a breach of trust and privacy and would have to question whether I wanted to be with that person. I think we do have a different attitude here to the idea of carrying out checks on a potential partner. I was talking to a woman friend after seeing the film "Sleepless in Seattle" when Meg Ryan's character carried out checks on Tom Hanks' character. My friend and I both agreed that if we found out that a new or potential partner had carried out such checks on us, we'd regard it as totally unacceptable and the relationship would be over.

That said, I can see why some might feel it's warranted. Although you can be watchful for signs that someone is not trustworthy, some people are very good at deceit and I suppose it's trusting people, who believe in respecting others' privacy, who are let down and hurt.

The guy I was talking to last year told me he'd been divorced once. I found out otherwise through overhearing a conversation between him and someone else. He mentioned his 3rd ex-wife. I asked him how many times he had been married and he looked like a deer caught in headlights. Found out then he'd been divorced four times.

He dumped me few days later for another woman he'd been seeing behind my back. I still hadn't even digested the lie he had told me yet. He even told me that God told him in church the day before that this other woman was to be his companion.

So asking someone how many times they'd been married might be an important question these days apparently.

Divorce is such a tragic event. IMO it is a death.
Unfortunately it could be a horrifying experience, with long drawn out fights in and out of court,
exuberant costs for attorney fees and mandatory sessions the court demands upon the couple,
and the heartache and hardship each individual endures as they watch the children be ripped apart (or I hope that's what's happening and not pivoting the children as a barganing chip or tool)
the death of friendships, and the death of relationships of in-laws (yes divorce changes in-law relationships)

So to ask to see the divorce papers, I don't think that would be necessary unless you were married and something came up down the road that involves some type of major change- child living with one parent permanently, a loss of job and deduction of child support, the list goes on and does happen.

So my answer fibber is to pay for the background check, and ask the person to reveal their credit report to you.

The credit report will tell you the exact character and integrity that person holds himself or herself too. Sounds crazy but it really is the ultimate acid test that says, "I am what I say I am."

It's not to say someone who is obligated to debt isn't worth being with; however, it's a plumb line that shows if things are paid on time, if not how often is the payment late, what was charged off- is one or two items 15 years ago, or is 15 to 30 items in the past 3years. You know EXCESSIVE debt.
It will show child support (if in arrears) mortgages, every place they ever lived (to see how stable the person it). Even leins held by IRS!

And to me, I want someone solid and grounded.
Divorce? It happens. People re-build from the tearing down of the ashes and ruins.
But if they stay in those ruins, don't agree to sit in their ashes.


Please note everyone- it's a suggestion. ALSO- it would mean the "relationship" is going to a much deeper level.

__________________

The credit report might be. Although for some people it is not. Some people may have had something happen to them which prevented debts from being paid. Car wrecks, extended illnesses, joblessness, etc.