Not really through it after all?

Hey. I have another username, but would like to post this anonymously...

I have a colorful past, in a manner of speaking. A lot of really tough stuff. Abused by several people as a kid for several years (not by family members, thankfully). Bullied at school most of my life. Parents and sisters all suffering from serious issues of different sorts. Myself going through a suicidal period with pretty severe depression for years. I was also suffering from paranoia so bad I would actually hallucinate at times. I was crushed under fear, depression, and more.

I have worked through it, something that took many years - and after quite a few years of hard work I am happy and stable both emotionally and mentally. I'm married and in tune with my sexuality (Not something to take for granted if you're an abuse surviver).

God has been - and is - a powerful lighthouse and a rock beneath my feet. Without Him I would be dead. Literally.

So anyway... I am a functional, perfectly normal (albeit with - I believe - a fair deal more wisdom than the average person) man with a heart for others. I am not hateful, but loving. I am not depressed, but happy. I am not crushed I am set free! God promised me, in visions and through prophesies both to me and to and through others that I would be completely free and never regress back into this abyss in my past. I have seen and felt the hand of Christ - and seen an angel protecting me. God has been more than faithful! And He has done more than bring me through. The blessings He has given me! My wife, my current life, a highly functional and sharp brain now that the depression is gone... It's amazing!

But I still need a little input. Because at times. On random occasions I get overwhelmed. Tears start swelling up and I feel like breaking down and just sob. And I don't know why. I can guess, of course. And I would guess it's sort of the aftermath of these issues.
Now, I am extremely thankful and whenever I worship Christ I also have tears welling up and voice cracking out of thankfulness to Him for His wonderful blessings. Yet what I am mentioning here is something else. It's like a sliver of the old me. The depressed and broken me. A thorn or splinter which is still lodged in my heart.

(Final bit of information - I have been through my depression for about five years now. I haven't been suicidal for about six)

Various Exhortations
11 Therefore comfort each other and edify one another, just as you also are doing.
12 And we urge you, brethren, to recognize those who labor among you, and are over you in the Lord and admonish you, 13 and to esteem them very highly in love for their work’s sake. Be at peace among yourselves. 1 Thessalonians 5:11-13

hello lovely daughter... what you discribe is quite normal. life's trials are earthly: unavoidable. you've obviously come along way. managing through quite alot of obsticals. to hear you discribe your heart's condition only says two things to me.
1.) you've managed to keep your compassion and sensitivty through many heart hardening circumstances.
2.) your spiritual gifts allow you a very real memory of pain, so you can exstend this deep compassion.
so, i'm very joyful to get to exhort and build you up. *HUG* you've come along ways, bearing lots of fruit. the Lord picked you, taught you how to survive, and now you are learning how to live. many people look up to you, value your friendship, and want to bless you and build upon who God's shines upon; your value. bless your heart. pm me anytime. i'll be happy to provide you with a warm shoulder and edifying scripture. xo dee

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Men see tears as being a sign of weakness oftentimes, but that's not always true. It's ok to just have a good cry every now and again. Life CAN be overwhelming and our bodies need to release all that tension in some ways. Even when you're happy and life is going well, there is still a buildup of the little every day things that need to be released every now and again. Allow yourself to have those moments without anxiety that you're going back to your old ways.

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that's such a good point lilLamb! i worry for those who can't, don't and/or won't cry.
in the garden, before the cross: it is indicated Christ's tears before the Father and for us were very sugnificant. the bible also mentions grieving the Holy Spirit. we grieve too. it's a very big blessing to take on the grief before the Lord... imagine people who can not grieve and have hardened hearts to what the spirit within us or within life's trials carry? tears have a purpose. all our emotions and feelings help us draw closer to the Lord... or tell us we are wandering away from the Lord. i believe with all i am; that this is part of being created in His image. to be alive and intouch with our hearts, is a gift. and to walk with this part of us before God, is a gift. to share with eachother these things; a gift. xo dee

When we have been deeply wounded feelings can come back at times. That does not mean you haven't dealt with it properly, but just that you are a normal human being. Real people suffer real hurt from really bad things.

John
NZ

By the sounds of it God has seen fit to Give you this thorn as he did Paul to keep him humble.

2 Cor 12:7-10 (7To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. 8Three times I pleaded with the lord to take it away from me. 9But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." So that Christ's power may rest on me. 10That is why, for Christ's sake I delight in weakness, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.)

By the sounds of things you and I have a lot in common. The pain, the depression the suicidal thoughts, God's grace, and his blessing on our current lives.. Our shared revelations, The sight and knowledge of the Hand of God in our lives, and a angelic experience.. Even our thorns..
2 Corinthians 12 has been a light for me even in the darkest times. I know your probably very familiar with these verses, but my hope for you is that you'll find peace with this portion of scripture, as I have with them, and how it relates to my "thorn."

Good luck and God bless