Inlaw Do's and Don'ts (3)

mkgal1 · #**671** 3rd August 2009, 01:54 AM

I decided to bring this up from its grave to see if anyone else is struggling with in-law issues........

I talked with a pastor friend who does a lot of marital counseling and he had commented that in the 16 years or so that he has counseled...he is seeing an alarming number of couples in their later years of marriage that are dealing with this. Normally, in the past, he had usually seen young married couples that were learning to navigate the new relationship.

dorig59 · #**672** 4th August 2009, 10:47 PM

I'm curious, did he tell you what types of problems the couples were having with the in-laws in the later years?

mkgal1 · #**673** 5th August 2009, 12:08 AM

Boundary issues

faithmom · #**674** 31st August 2009, 09:38 PM

Hey MK...I'm not dead. Sorry on so rarely now. Between the job and the kids activities and life in general I am on the go. But maybe when the frost hits and the gardenning is down a bit I will have a chance to breath again.

I'm learning that the in-law issues never really go away. The healthy boundaries have to be consistent. My DH wears down though...he still knows what is happenning, and doesn't deny it, but now that he is more aware of what is going on, it is more easy for him to get overwhelmed. It is taking a lot of stamina, especially with my sister-in-law who instigates most of the trouble, and my mother-in-law....who enables it. I've come to understand, that sickSIL knows that if she gives MIL support in super-sizing the family demands and activities, MIL will cover up sickSILs bad behavior, and make excuses and even lie for her. Then if MIL "lets" the family believe sickSILs lies (she doesn't deny them, though she knows they are), the family all believe that my DH is a bad person. If DH stands up for himself, or the needs of the family the sickSIL claims that I create division in their family.

I understand it so very very clearly now. But, LOL...know what is happenning doesn't really make it possible to stop it. So, we're really doing our best to avoid the problems.

I have some suspicions about the change in the generations and issues the minister is seeing. 1st, people marry later. Not only does that mean the issues have to be solved in later years, but also that there was a longer time for the apron strings to need to be cut....everyone got comfortable wearing them.

I am sure there is more to it, but that is one thing I see right away.

mkgal1 · #**675** 31st August 2009, 11:44 PM

Oh my goodness, Faith! How exciting to see a post from you. Are you working at the Y?

Absolutely....in-law issues never go away. Ours are getting even more severe, but I have at least backed out of the drama for now. I think it is a huge benefit to know what is actually going on, and to be able to prepare even if it doesn't stop the behavior. You have helped me so much in this journey...thank you!

The pastor I spoke with was actually talking about couples that had been married for years, like 15 or more. I do feel a big part of it may be because of what you said, that people are getting married later in life. I feel another factor is that in our generation, divorce rates when way up and many of us came from homes that were affected by divorce. A lot of us don't really understand how a family and extended family are supposed to function since we haven't really seen it. That is my theory.

Again...so glad to hear from you. Take care!!

jelvenko · #**676** 7th November 2009, 01:43 PM

Anyone still around here??? I've really missed this thread...

Sorry I've been AWOL for so long, things have been busy with school, and home life. (We had to move back in with the IL's last Christmas. That was a huge mess. So now it's back to all the drama.)
On the plus side, I graduate with my Associate's degree next month! WOOT! So that is one small bright spot in my life. Then another 2 years for my Bachelor's degree, and then we move back north.

mkgal1 · #**677** 7th November 2009, 02:19 PM

Hey Jelvenko! So good to see your post. I have missed this thread too. I don't hear much from the other gals. Congrats on your degree. Wow....there was a lot going on with your in-laws, if I remember right. With the two of you having to endure so much, it can only get easier right? And it is THAT difficult time of year again.

Everything is still pretty much the same here. I am still in God's waiting room....trying to wait patiently.

jelvenko · #**678** 7th November 2009, 04:17 PM

Thank MK. Glad to see that there's still a few people lurking around.

Things had gotten better for a little while, but lately they've been getting bad again. For example: FIL decided to make bean & cheese burritos for lunch today. No problem with that at all. However, he dumped a full jar of salsa over them before putting them in the oven. Salsa gives DH heart burn, so he asked me to make him something different for lunch. I made a comment to MIL that I was going to eat after making DH some food because he couldn't eat the burritos. (She let us know that the food FIL had prepared was ready. He had made enough for the whole family.) Well, she went beserk on me and said that what FIL made is what we were going to have for lunch, and that FIL is not a slave so we need to stop treating him like one, and to stop being ungrateful... etc. etc. etc. I wasn't aware that my wanting to make a meal for my husband that he can eat without having major heartburn later was the same as making my FIL into a slave. I was going to do the cooking and wasn't expecting anyone else to.

Needless to say, hubby ended up finishing up the leftover tuna for sandwiches (Instead of having Tuna Helper like he really wanted), and I haven't eaten anything for lunch and have been hiding in the bedroom all afternoon and plan on staying here until DH and I leave this evening. (The Young Adult Sabbath school class from our church is having a pizza party, so we're going to go to it.)

This whole week has been really bad as far as dealing with the IL's goes. MIL still thinks DH does nothing but beat me up all the time, and BIL's behavior gets worse and worse every day. (He actually told DH and I that FIL told him he doesn't have to listen to us. So basically he thinks he has permission to treat us like dirt. (He's 8 now.))

I know I'm just rambling now, but needed to do a little venting. I hate always taking my frustrations out on DH, it's not fair to him, especially when it involves his mom....
Thanks for letting me vent.

mkgal1 · #**679** 10th November 2009, 12:45 PM

CF has been my "therapy"....it is so great to have a place to be able to talk about "Real" life. I don't know....I just don't feel the ability to be so open with the people I know IRL (except for just a couple people).

Hmmm....why is communication so difficult with people? Why couldn't your FIL ASK if everyone wanted burritos slathered in salsa? It is such a fine line for you two to have to walk, because I am sure you are concerned about upsetting them and getting kicked out. It does sound as if some resentment is building up. Could your hubby maybe ask his mom if there are things the two of you could do differently that would ease the tension? Do they want help with the cooking of meals? It is so hard to figure out WHY people snap and get angry when they hold all their thoughts inside....and then blow at something that seems insignificant.

What does your MIL have against your hubby? That is so odd how she is accusing him of things that he isn't doing...her own SON.

I know what you are saying about the venting to your hubby....although it isn't good to say nothing at all....I am sure he may get a bit weary of hearing it. Duct tape & boundaries.......our two best friends. lol.

jelvenko · #**680** 13th November 2009, 10:59 AM

Originally Posted by mkgal1

CF has been my "therapy"....it is so great to have a place to be able to talk about "Real" life. I don't know....I just don't feel the ability to be so open with the people I know IRL (except for just a couple people).

Hmmm....why is communication so difficult with people? Why couldn't your FIL ASK if everyone wanted burritos slathered in salsa? It is such a fine line for you two to have to walk, because I am sure you are concerned about upsetting them and getting kicked out. It does sound as if some resentment is building up. Could your hubby maybe ask his mom if there are things the two of you could do differently that would ease the tension? Do they want help with the cooking of meals? It is so hard to figure out WHY people snap and get angry when they hold all their thoughts inside....and then blow at something that seems insignificant.

What does your MIL have against your hubby? That is so odd how she is accusing him of things that he isn't doing...her own SON.

I know what you are saying about the venting to your hubby....although it isn't good to say nothing at all....I am sure he may get a bit weary of hearing it. Duct tape & boundaries.......our two best friends. lol.

Thanks MK.
MIL has always been this way. Her previous 2 marriages were very abusive, so we think that's part of her problem. But my hubby treats me very well, and if he even thought about trying half the things his mom accuses him of, I would be back in ND quicker than lightening. It's something that I wouldn't put up with.
As far as FIL, he likes strange food combinations (ex: waffles with peanut butter and baco-bits on top.) He doesn't get offended when we want to eat something other than what he made. In fact, DH and I usually make our own meals. We also help out as much as we can with cleaning and doing the dishes and that sort of stuff. (It's hard with our schedules because I'm in school all day and he's at work all day. But we do try and help out when we have the time.) Again, FIL doesn't mind, he understands that we're busy and don't always have time to help clean the house. (It's all I can do to keep our bathroom clean at times!)

I really don't have any problems with FIL. He's a very easy going person and doesn't really get offended that easily. It's MIL that we have the problems with. She's always been controlling and overbearing.

We are trying to find a place of our own though. If worst comes to worst and (heaven forbid) MIL kicks us out, we do have friends who will help us until we can get our own place. We've been looking. There is one possiblity, but right now we can't afford it because I'm not working. I do plan on getting a job after this semester is over, so that will help out a little bit. But right now we're just praying that things work out, and we do our best to stay out of MIL's way when she's on the warpath. If we really get desperate, then I'll apply to work at Wal-Mart. (But after how they treated me when we first got married, I really don't want to do that.) I'm going to try and get a job as a substitute teacher though. (Which will help out once I get my Bachelors degree and start looking for a teaching job. It will look better on the resume than Wal-Mart will.)

MK, I do understand about CF being "therapy." There's a couple of other message boards where I go occassionally and it is really nice to be able to talk about some things without having to worry about what people think.