Loving them right

I recently had to have surgery and from there am now on birth control to neutralize my ovaries and render them unproductive. Before this happened I was probably a more frivolous person but also, since this has happened I've found myself able to consider those hypothetical little people whom I nearly met and was given the honor of being responsible for their upbringing. I am still close with the father of the last lost child and he is open to when I bring up talk of the person who didn't happen. C.S. Lewis said that we weren't to know that "what if"s and I suppose that's true. It feels wonderful and like I'm decompressing in some emotional ventricle. Somehow, having no fear of further loss and no hope for replacement (the wrong term but I can't think of another on the fly) I am finding it easy to love and know my children even if Ill never see them grow in the flesh.
It's a strange and unexpected blessing.