I recently had to have surgery and from there am now on birth control to neutralize my ovaries and render them unproductive. Before this happened I was probably a more frivolous person but also, since this has happened I've found myself able to consider those hypothetical little people whom I nearly met and was given the honor of being responsible for their upbringing. I am still close with the father of the last lost child and he is open to when I bring up talk of the person who didn't happen. C.S. Lewis said that we weren't to know that "what if"s and I suppose that's true. It feels wonderful and like I'm decompressing in some emotional ventricle. Somehow, having no fear of further loss and no hope for replacement (the wrong term but I can't think of another on the fly) I am finding it easy to love and know my children even if Ill never see them grow in the flesh.
It's a strange and unexpected blessing.
__________________ "To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else, means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight, and never stop fighting" e.e. cummings
I recently had to have surgery and from there am now on birth control to neutralize my ovaries and render them unproductive. Before this happened I was probably a more frivolous person but also, since this has happened I've found myself able to consider those hypothetical little people whom I nearly met and was given the honor of being responsible for their upbringing. I am still close with the father of the last lost child and he is open to when I bring up talk of the person who didn't happen. C.S. Lewis said that we weren't to know that "what if"s and I suppose that's true. It feels wonderful and like I'm decompressing in some emotional ventricle. Somehow, having no fear of further loss and no hope for replacement (the wrong term but I can't think of another on the fly) I am finding it easy to love and know my children even if Ill never see them grow in the flesh.
It's a strange and unexpected blessing.
That really does make alot of sense and I'm glad you find comfort in it. I think it's good that people at least remember the child that was never born instead of just denying the fact that the event ever happened.
__________________
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