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  #1  
Unread 12th June 2004, 11:34 AM
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Sad My husband looks at porn...is this adultery?

I have been a Christian since I was 9 years old. I am now 21. My husband "says" he's beena christian since he was 11, and he is now 25.

When we got married, I found a subscription to a Playboy magazine. I asked him why he had it, and he said it was for his uncle. Two months later, I stumbled across a magazine. I confronted him, and he promised to never look at it again. A couple of months later, we got the internet. I trusted him. I found porn all over it. He apologized, and promised never again. I found it again. He got angry at me for snooping. I told him that I could live with it, and worked to accept him. I couldn't, it hurt to much.

Finally, one day, he caught me crying, and when he asked me why, I told him because he looks at porn. He took a hammer to the computer, and said he'd never look again.

Two months later, I saw the cable bill where he'd ordered Pay per view. Again, he promised never to look again. He held me, and said he understood my pain, and he didn't need it any more.

Last month, I found it again. He broke his Cable remote controller, so he couldn't order it any more.

It looks like he's trying to stop, but just can't.

Background: When we got married, I had to move 2 hours from my home town to live with him. He took me to church 2 times in the first month after we got married, and that was it. I started commuting to my home church (2 hours away) one time a month every month for the year we've been married. I recently joined a local church, and it has helped me TREMENDOUSLY to be going to church regularly again.

My husband hasn't been to church in close to a year...he stopped going when we got married.

I've been praying, and I finally just put my marriage in God's hands, because I don't know what else to do! I guess I haven't put it in his hands fully, because I'm on here looking for guidance

Is this adultery? Is the fact that my husband is lusting after women besides his wife adultery? I know the bible says "If a man looketh upon a woman with lust in his heart, then he hath committed adultery" or something like that. Can I leave him over this?

I believe that once you are married, the only way that you can divorce, is over abuse, or adultery. My husband is mildly abusive (shoving me into walls, vaccume cleaners, closets, throwing things at me, etc.) but I don't want to be alone the rest of my life. Also, I do love my husband. I promised God for better or worse.

Honestly, I believe if I could marry again, I'd divorce my husband, and find someone who treats me with respect.

Like I said, my husband said he'd been a christian for over 10 years, and when we started dating, he never missed a service with me. We didn't date very long, because I believe in waiting until marriage for sex, and it got a little hard to wait So we were engaged only a week before we eloped.

My parents insisted that if we were in love, we'd want to be married as soon as possible, because my husband lived 2 hours away, and the commute to see me was difficult. That put a little more pressure on me to marry him sooner than I was ready to.

I think...well, I know I made a mistake to marry him, but the bible says "what God hath joined together, let no man put asunder" so now that my husband and I are joined together, I suppose I'm supposed to just live with it

What do you think

P.S. My husband's porn viewing causes problems in our marriage. He becomes angered a LOT more quickly when he's looking at it, and he can not make love to me *litterally CAN'T...as in, "not able"*
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  #2  
Unread 12th June 2004, 01:11 PM
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Wow, I can't beleive this!

There is an ENTIRE THREAD dedicated soley to men and their porn addiction! This must be a bigger problem than I thought
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  #3  
Unread 12th June 2004, 01:57 PM
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Originally Posted by LittleChild
I think...well, I know I made a mistake to marry him, but the bible says "what God hath joined together, let no man put asunder" so now that my husband and I are joined together, I suppose I'm supposed to just live with it
I don't think the bible says that about "putting asunder" - could be a church prayer book or something, since it's used at weddings, and correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think it's scripture.


Originally Posted by LittleChild
I believe that once you are married, the only way that you can divorce, is over abuse, or adultery.
He IS abusing you, so you need to get away.

Divorce is something you might need to consider, but only after you've found a safe place away from him and given each other time to assess things in a calm atmosphere.

God bless, Susana
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  #4  
Unread 16th June 2004, 11:12 PM
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Originally Posted by LittleChild
I have been a Christian since I was 9 years old. I am now 21. My husband "says" he's beena christian since he was 11, and he is now 25.

When we got married, I found a subscription to a Playboy magazine. I asked him why he had it, and he said it was for his uncle. Two months later, I stumbled across a magazine. I confronted him, and he promised to never look at it again. A couple of months later, we got the internet. I trusted him. I found porn all over it. He apologized, and promised never again. I found it again. He got angry at me for snooping. I told him that I could live with it, and worked to accept him. I couldn't, it hurt to much.

Finally, one day, he caught me crying, and when he asked me why, I told him because he looks at porn. He took a hammer to the computer, and said he'd never look again.

Two months later, I saw the cable bill where he'd ordered Pay per view. Again, he promised never to look again. He held me, and said he understood my pain, and he didn't need it any more.

Last month, I found it again. He broke his Cable remote controller, so he couldn't order it any more.

It looks like he's trying to stop, but just can't.

Background: When we got married, I had to move 2 hours from my home town to live with him. He took me to church 2 times in the first month after we got married, and that was it. I started commuting to my home church (2 hours away) one time a month every month for the year we've been married. I recently joined a local church, and it has helped me TREMENDOUSLY to be going to church regularly again.

My husband hasn't been to church in close to a year...he stopped going when we got married.

I've been praying, and I finally just put my marriage in God's hands, because I don't know what else to do! I guess I haven't put it in his hands fully, because I'm on here looking for guidance

Is this adultery? Is the fact that my husband is lusting after women besides his wife adultery? I know the bible says "If a man looketh upon a woman with lust in his heart, then he hath committed adultery" or something like that. Can I leave him over this?

I believe that once you are married, the only way that you can divorce, is over abuse, or adultery. My husband is mildly abusive (shoving me into walls, vaccume cleaners, closets, throwing things at me, etc.) but I don't want to be alone the rest of my life. Also, I do love my husband. I promised God for better or worse.

Honestly, I believe if I could marry again, I'd divorce my husband, and find someone who treats me with respect.

Like I said, my husband said he'd been a christian for over 10 years, and when we started dating, he never missed a service with me. We didn't date very long, because I believe in waiting until marriage for sex, and it got a little hard to wait So we were engaged only a week before we eloped.

My parents insisted that if we were in love, we'd want to be married as soon as possible, because my husband lived 2 hours away, and the commute to see me was difficult. That put a little more pressure on me to marry him sooner than I was ready to.

I think...well, I know I made a mistake to marry him, but the bible says "what God hath joined together, let no man put asunder" so now that my husband and I are joined together, I suppose I'm supposed to just live with it

What do you think

P.S. My husband's porn viewing causes problems in our marriage. He becomes angered a LOT more quickly when he's looking at it, and he can not make love to me *litterally CAN'T...as in, "not able"*
Little Child,

The thing I've learned about porn, and I guess any sin for that matter, is that each time you repeat the pattern, you suffocate the Holy Spirit inside of you that is telling you that it is wrong. Whether your husband is saved or not, God does still speak to him about morality through his conscience.

My first boyfriend was addicted to porn and he thought there was nothing wrong with it. I could tell it didn't bother him at all. My father is like this too. These types of men have fallen victim to the world's sex scheme. The believe the lies that it is completely normal because sex is all they think about, yadda yadda yadda.

Then there are men who are caught up in this addiction, but they know it is a sin and they know they want to stop and are hurting the ones they love, but it is an addiction - which means they will make many promises, but unless they take a more active role besides verbal promises, they won't be able to stop. They know it is wrong because they feel guilty after they look at it.

My current boyfriend also had a porn addiction when we met, though his wasn't as bad as the first guy, he was still looking at porn on the computer. We talked a lot about it and I researched the addiction on the Internet and gave him resources. ChristianAnswers.net has a lot of good information about porn addiction. According to my bf, it helped him to become aware of the devil's assault on him. He knew he was being taken advantage of his weaknesses because seductive women were plastered everywhere on TV, billboards, the Internet. He had to become aware and sensitive to the media's plot to "get him" because each time he checked his e-mail there were porn links in his junk mail and an ad on the side of the screen of some partially nude girl telling him she wanted to see him that night.

Men have to face up to the fact that they are being taken advantage of. The sex and porn industries are playing upon the weaknesses of men and relying on the hope that they will be driven completely by their hormones.

Charles Stanley has a book called "Winning the War Within" and there are countless of other books for men who are dealing with porn addictions and also for the women who are affected by these sins. "Every Man's Battle" is another good one - even for you to read.

I wouldn't automatically jump to divorce. Pray and seek counsel through books and pastors. Your husband really needs to start going to church again. I would tell him that you believe his church absence and the porn are related. When we are seperated from God's Word, it is easy to suffocate our conscience - and it is possible to completely kill off our conscience until it never bothers us again.

I would tell your husband that you need him to go to church and seek marital counseling because you feel this is adultery and it is causing you to lose faith in him and your marriage. Charles Stanley always encourages accountability partners for men with porn addicitons. Your husband may find it encouraging to hear or read about other men in his situation. I would also bring up counseling for the abuse too.

Remember that the first few years of marriage are the rockiest. Give this some time - not being passive and sitting on your hands, but give your marriage another year of actively seeking counsel from fellow Christians and pastors and hopefully get your husband into church and get him to read a book on sexual sin. If you can just put the book between his palms, let God convict him from there.

I be praying for you that God will relieve you from your pain and also relieve your husband from his bondage. Charles Stanely says in "Winning the War Within" that all temptations that God allows you to be tested by are never more than you can physically handle, and what's more is that no matter how strong the temptation, God ALWAYS provides a way out - an alternative to sin.

God Bless you and your husband.
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  #5  
Unread 21st June 2004, 06:17 PM
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The most important thing to remeber when talking about this issue with your husband is DO NOT CONDEMN HIM!!! I know that may be an obvious statement to some but it is very important that he feels loved and supported if he is to change. He obviously wants to change but doesn't feel that he can.

I, myself am struggling with the same issue (except the abuse part) and I feel guilty everytime I look at it. One thing that has helped me recently is I have joined a bible study (without my wife) and it has become a place where I can discuss my problems and fears without having all my personal friends know all my faults (kind of like an AA meeting). Last week the men and women split up and the first thing that the men brought up was the issue of porn addiction.

My recommendation? Get him to a bible study (without you if need be) or to the church and most importantly, get counselling for the abuse!!! There is no such thing as "mild abuse"!!! Abuse is abuse. Simple. No shoving, no throwing, if I ever get that mad I simply take a long walk or something and get out of the house and away from the situation for a while. Come back and discuss the issue rationally. If he turns down outside help (which all of us who struggle with this addiction need) then it will become apparent that he does not want to change. At that point I would recommend bringing this issue to your pastor.

ok I'm done
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  #6  
Unread 22nd June 2004, 05:05 AM
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Prayer

LittleChild

This is a problem for so many men, and I have been there too!

I know you must feel betrayed and even cheapened by your husbands "habit". It sounds, from your post, that you are able to talk about the problem with your husband.

The posts from Xul and Allie are very good advice.

As a struggler myself I would add the following advice:

1. Try settingcaptivesfree.com website, both of you can get help here.
2. Try suggesting to your husband that he can come to you for the affirmation he needs and does not need to use the porn to get his "fix".
3. Try to find out what sort of relationship your husband had with his own parents - Porn addiction is closely linked to poor relationships with:- fathers, who fail to show men how to be men, so we fall for the lie that all men need sexual gratification; and mothers who smother their sons and do not allow them to become men.
4. Remember why you married him, and tell him! We men need to be affirmed and we have very short memories!

There is a load of other things that could be said and done by you and/or your husband, and if I knew you better, or lived closer by maybe we could talk more on this problem.

All I will say is dont give up on your marriage - Satan hates Christian marriage and will attack it at every opportunity, I know you feel betrayed and hurt, but remember we are all sinners saved by God's grace, and His grace is sufficient. Try to forgive and help your husband, he needs you now more than you probably know.

If he is willing point him to the mens corner here, there are many many more men struggling with this than you may want to believe! Most of us do not have forgiving supportive spouses which just adds to the isolation and difficulty in discussing it.

Most of all do not accuse - try to understand.

God bless you sister, I will pray that God gives you the grace you need in this situation.

Pete C
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  #7  
Unread 26th June 2004, 12:22 AM
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Yipes, that is one of Satan's most powerful tools to use against man is LUST. I've known several people in my life who have the porn problem. It's a physical, chemical thing that takes over all reason & control sometimes. It really is. My husband is from a very liberal, Scandinavian country. He was raised that porn is ok, natural, and they even show the pictures on the boxes in the video stores where kids can see naked people! There's a difference between "nudity in art", and a picture of an "orgy". Soddom and Gomorrah ring anyone's bells? (LOL!). He & I are unequally-yoked, yet we love each other very much & were best friends for 10 years before dating. He's "open-minded" about Christ, so I have hope for him!

Anywho, he & I have had several heart-to-heart talks about porn. He agreed that those images DO get "tattooed" on the brain!! Some men can't get through lovemaking without "conjuring up some memory". Nope, that is not what God intended with the gift of sex between husband and wife. You are absolutely correct that it IS considered adultery in the Lord's eyes. Matthew 5:28 (Sermon on the Mount). Jesus himself commanded in the Bible that a man who looks at another woman with lust commits adultery in his heart.

First of all, I hope you can see by these other posts that you are NOT alone!!! We care and will definitely pray for you, hon! Pete C gave one of the best testimonies & best advice I've ever seen! (God bless you, Pete! ).

Secondly, your husband sounds like he's frequently violent - with smashing the computer and the remote control!!! Not good or healthy. It does not surprise me that he is violent towards you as well - that is often the knee-jerk reaction to someone who is SCARED, and feels like they've been backed into a corner or "trapped", if you will. I'm guessing that he really is not set free with Christ, and never will be, until he quits smashing things up, and simply gets down on his knees to pray for help. It may be something the two of you can do together?? It's hard to try, and scary to even suggest - I know! But don't let PRIDE get mixed in there, to ruin your marriage either.

I do believe the two of you could benefit from a third-person "mediator", such as a trusted Pastor, or Christian counselor to help getting to the root of the problem, as others on here have suggested. Be wary of some other more "scientific" counselors who may make things worse by saying your husband's habit is "normal", etc.
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  #8  
Unread 1st July 2004, 02:08 PM
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Looking at porn is adultery if you lust after the women in your heart. The Bible is very clear on this point.
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Unread 1st July 2004, 02:51 PM
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I am going to go on a Hiedas here and just step out of the Bible. I dont think the answer you need will be in there (your strength will however). Listen when you laugh with your husband you laugh together and when you cry you cry alone. It sounds to me like he is abusive, you cant see it cause your not listening to what he is NOT saying. What he is not saying is why he looks at porn. What he is saying is he will continue to break everything and run a fabulous story on how he will never do it again (for the 20th time). You want a response from him. Stop crying, start praying for strength and break some computer too! Cause if u already cry when he is around then you have nothing to lose when hes gone but some tears..
I pray for you ....always.
It took my jaw wired and being stabbed before I realized my ex-boyfriend had an abusive problem..but by then it was to late for ME to realize that I can be without him and I am and I am so so happy, you will find your way. Dont pray for God to change pray for god to give him the strength to want to change and give you the strength in the days ahead
CIAO!
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Unread 4th July 2004, 02:53 PM
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I think the fact that something hurts you this much and he has lied through his teeth about everything should tell you something.

It can be generally agreed that it is morally wrong to hurt someone else no matter what you believe.

He married you. He is obligated to not hurt you. If he thought he was man enough to get married then his time has come to try and prove it.
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