How do you get used to a new and better life?

I've been divorced for over three years now and re-married almost 2 years now. My husband is completely opposite from my ex-husband and it's still hard to get used to.

For instance, when there is a problem that I need to speak with my husband about, all the fears from my previous marriage grip me so tight that I can't even talk to my husband. When we were married, if my ex-husband hurt my feelings, I would tell him and he would say I was crazy and stupid and that what I was feeling was wrong. Now I'm afraid to tell my husband how I feel, even though he has never said an unkind word to me, nor has he ever yelled at me or belittled me.

Once when my ex-husband came home from work and the house was clean, he was happy. Then I told him that my friend helped me clean it. He was angry and said that I can't even clean the house by myself. I was pregnant and had a toddler to care for. Now I'm so afraid to ask for help when I need it, that the house just stays a mess. I'm pregnant with my fourth.

I need to learn how to get rid of my fear and to communicate with my husband. We're going to a marriage conference this month, so hopefully that will help. I'm really excited.

Originally Posted by jouwhoo

I've been divorced for over three years now and re-married almost 2 years now. My husband is completely opposite from my ex-husband and it's still hard to get used to.

For instance, when there is a problem that I need to speak with my husband about, all the fears from my previous marriage grip me so tight that I can't even talk to my husband. When we were married, if my ex-husband hurt my feelings, I would tell him and he would say I was crazy and stupid and that what I was feeling was wrong. Now I'm afraid to tell my husband how I feel, even though he has never said an unkind word to me, nor has he ever yelled at me or belittled me.

Once when my ex-husband came home from work and the house was clean, he was happy. Then I told him that my friend helped me clean it. He was angry and said that I can't even clean the house by myself. I was pregnant and had a toddler to care for. Now I'm so afraid to ask for help when I need it, that the house just stays a mess. I'm pregnant with my fourth.

I need to learn how to get rid of my fear and to communicate with my husband. We're going to a marriage conference this month, so hopefully that will help. I'm really excited.

Hey sister

it does sound like youre bringing a bit of baggage in from your previous marriage.

Lets see if we can figure a bit of this out
You were married before and seemed to have aquired some learned responses because of your ex husbands behavior.

When I was younger we found this old coon hound who was a really sweet natured dog..great with us kids, but one day I picked up a board to toss it out into the scrap pile out back and when the dog saw me pick up the board his head dropped down to the ground like he was submitting and he started shaking all over.
It turned out that this dog had been owned by some animal down the road who kept him tied up on a short leash and would crack the dog in the head with a board fairly frequenty for no real reason at all.
Now, we had a few hunting dogs and you could walk right up to any of the others with a board and they were oblivious to any 'threat' because none of them had ever been mistreated.
What happened was for the time we had that old dog we just didnt ever pick up any sticks or boards to keep from scaring him any.
Im not sure that he ever got past it entirely, probably didnt, but we tried to make it so he didnt have to deal with it as much as we were able.

Maybe you could talk to your husband and tell him HOW you feel and WHY you feel the way you do.
Its just a learned response and it probably wont straighten out overnite.
Most likely it will take REprogramming your mind to not react the way it does now under certain this particular stimulus.
It can be done, but it will be a LOT quicker and easier if your husband is completely aware of the details so HE can help watch for the symptoms and for your reactions.
If HE is consciously concerting efforts with you Id guess that in addition to helping get you past this quicker, it will also help build your personal relationship with your husband because it should help build your trust in him as well.

People and animals are alike in some way. We both can 'learn' things both good and bad...we can become 'programmed' to respond in certain ways and it most times we need to deprogram...or better yet REprogrammed...ie try to REPLACE the bad instincts with GOOD instincts.

Tell your husband EXACTLY what is going on...GET HIM INVOLVED in the healing process !

If you do...if he is game, you can end up with the most amazing relationship imaginable with another human being.
Im not just blowing smoke sis....I have this with my own wife Laura.
We share even the most embarrasing of things with each other, exposing every weakness and frailty to one another, and it has caused our relationship to be something that I frankly have not thought possible in marriage since I used to dream about marriage as a young man.

I hope your marriage conference goes well
God bless

HuntingMan,

Thank you for your response. I've thought about telling my husband, but I don't want to drag him into it. I don't want him to think that I think that he is the same way as my ex. I read a book that said that you shouldn't talk about ex's to your spouse because it will make him/her think that you're thinking of them instead of your spouse. Does that make sense? Should I explain to my husband that I've been "programmed" by my ex?

Absolutely! You are the total of your experiences, as well as the individual that God designed you to be. Your husband will be glad to help you. He promised to do just that.

I have to deal with my wife's image of her father growing up. She has projected his actions and tendencies onto me many times. It usually takes some real digging to get to the bottom of her actions when that has happened because I've been clueless. Now I can see it as it happens and am able to say "I really think that you are reacting to something your father would have done here because that's really not me." She usually understands after a bit.

Now, about the negative expectations. I see that you identify yourself as a Pentecostal. Good. That means you will understand what I'm talking about. I believe what you are dealing with here is what I call Soul/Spirit hurts. The reason for the double title is that the soul and the spirit are closely connected and there is controversy about which part is affected by what. The crux of the matter though is that you have been deeply hurt and you need healing. Your can receive healing through Holy Spirit but it helps to identify where the hurts came from in the first place. Try this:
1) Take your hurts to God. Place them before Him.
2) Ask Him to reveal where the hurts specifically came from (actual incidences.)
3) Tell the Lord what you felt and are feeling when you were in that situation and now remembering it.
4) Give those negative emotions to Him.
5) Speak forgiveness for those who hurt you.
6) Ask Holy Spirit to heal the hurts.
7) Try to identify what thought patterns came from those hurts, look up scripture about them to find the truth and write out a statement for each of them that reflects God's truth in the matter. Read each of them out loud daily for at least 30 days. (This is reprograming your mind.)

The last step is sometimes difficult so here is an example. If your thought/belief is, "Men want to make me feel small and stupid," then your Godly belief may say something like, "I am fearfully and wonderfully made and my husband loves me for who I am."

Lastly, and this is where this information came from even though it is a very loose paraphrase, check out www.healinghouse.org. It's a great ministry.

God Bless
Bob
Spearfish, SD

Originally Posted by jouwhoo

HuntingMan,

Thank you for your response. I've thought about telling my husband, but I don't want to drag him into it. I don't want him to think that I think that he is the same way as my ex. I read a book that said that you shouldn't talk about ex's to your spouse because it will make him/her think that you're thinking of them instead of your spouse.

Ive read a lot of stuff that says that same thing over the years.
At first when I married my wife Laura I wasnt going to let her be part of my past, but the problem is that she wanted to know things about the past for her own peace of mind.
And so we started talking about the details here and there and what I found out is that the folks who write this sort of prohibition are probably looking worst case scenarios or something.

If anything talking with Laura about my previous marriages has shown her the silly mistakes I made and why she is a thousand times better for me than anyone else has ever been.

Im sure if you were compulsively talking about your ex then yes, there would be cause for some concern for your hubby now, but just talking to him about details about why you react the way you do wont damage your relationship with him sister...not if he is the type who WANTS to understand and help his wife grow into the whole person she can be.
But if you come to him logically to deal with this issue logically, then theres no reason for him to feel threatened by your ex at all.

Now, this is VERY dependant on who your husband is now.
If hes not absolutely supportive of you....or if hes lacking in self confidence himself, then maybe some other route may be a good idea. But if hes sure of himself and not the type to feel threatened by your previous marriage, then theres no reason why he shouldnt be able to made aware of your issues and help you thru them.

I mean *IF* those who write this sort of thing were actually correct, then should my own marriage have suffered because of my telling Laura all that I have about my past marriages ?

What it has done for her is give her peace of mind, quite frankly.
She knows the details and because she does she knows that there is no threat to her or our marriage from either of those previous marriages.

Laura doesnt seem to feel at all as tho Im thinking about my exs based on the way she is.
But bear in mind that we have very open and purposeful communication and have since the very start.
We started working on having this openness while we were only dating so that we could carry it into marriage if thats the direction things went. Being married before myself I explained to her how important communication is in marriage (she hadnt been married before) and so we have worked at communication from the start and honestly, there isnt anything we cant talk about and work out.

Does that make sense? Should I explain to my husband that I've been "programmed" by my ex?

My thoughts?

Absolutely.

Tell him that you KNOW why you react like you do under certain conditions and you really want to work with HIM to get thru it so that it doesnt keep affecting your marriage to him.
Tell him that you know you are carrying some baggage and its not fair to him...to you...to your marriage...to not work on it to make this marriage the BEST it can be.

This not only helps you, but it helps your husband KNOW that you are putting your trust in him to help you with things that you want more than anything to get past in your own life so that you can be the best wife possible to him.

A good husband will want to be there for his wife...to help her be everything she wants to be. Just as a good wife will want to do the same for her husband.

Lets say it was reversed and your hubby knew why he was reacting in certain ways with you.
If he came to you in sincerity and truly WANTED your help in working with his own issues so that he could be the absolute BEST husband he could be....wouldnt that just touch your heart ? Wouldnt you WANT to do whatever you could to help your husband be the best man he could be ?

The problem in todays psychobabbling society is we have been convinced by godless scholars that we have to fix ourselves before we're any good to anyone else.
Balderdash.
Man is a communal being. We NEED each other. People around us affect us whether we want them to or not.
If we were damaged by one bad spouse emotionally, there is nothing wrong with having a good spouse who understands and wants to help us start to repair that damage.

Im not dismissing the idea that some counciling may not be in order.
Certainly we may have issues we dont understand how we got them or how to even begin to work past them, but support of a spouse and that of a parent seems to be two of the greatest factors in actually recovering from emotional issues in our lives.

If it were me, Id give him the details as you understand them and tell him that you want to work thru it with him.
A second set of eyes on the problem helps YOU know when you might be doing something that you didnt notice yourself

God bless

Thank you both for your responses. I think I'm going to have to come back and re-read them a lot to drill it into my head

God bless!

Just wanted to toss in that I agree with BrBobs post.
Very good insights there.

7) Try to identify what thought patterns came from those hurts, look up scripture about them to find the truth and write out a statement for each of them that reflects God's truth in the matter. Read each of them out loud daily for at least 30 days. (This is reprograming your mind.)

Fantastic advice thru your whole post, BrBob, but this one really stood out.

My wife Laura had dealt with an issue from very early in life, a phobia that was most crippling for her.

I had no clue how to deal with this one because it was nothing like Id ever heard of before, let alone dealt with.
The lord gave me some very specific scriptures for Laura to read and do you know that in about 30 days she had pretty much recovered from this phobia? (its a reallly big deal because this phobia was basically ruining her entire life)
Its been years now and she hasnt had a single recurrance of it and from what I saw it was only the scriptures and prayer that actually helped her.
The specific scriptures really helped to change the way she thought about the root of the phobia. She had been in therapy for 6 years from my understanding and they had only made things worse

THIRTY days in Gods word on the matter and she got more in those 30 days than YEARS in professional counciling !

Not that Im demeaning counciling, Im all for it if its needed, of course, but I was so amazed to see the power of God to heal the mind in action.

There have been many other things with Laura that have pretty much worked the same way. At least one of them was completely dealt with by just one single weekend of prayer when Laura didnt know that we were all praying for her.

Shows that there is power in the prayers of Gods people as well as in using the minds He gave us to logically discern these matters to learn the best course of action to work thru them.

Our God is so amazing

Hunting Man - that is a wonderful story! I have seen the power of God working in the lives of many people and the process I outlined above is a good way to start some ministry. Healing House is a fantastic ministry that my wife and I were involved in for a couple of years and only left due to a church split happening. (we needed to be supervised yb a pastor until our training was done. We were within a few months of finishing the training and our pastor pulled the rug out from under us by taking the church in a direction that we couldn't abide. As a matter of fact, the power of God seems to have fallen away from most of the ministries that our former church is involved in.

Anyway, enough of the sour grapes. The point is that God is good and he provides ways for peole to access the healing that was bought and paid for by the blood of Jesus! The Healing is already there, it's just not being accessed most of the time.

God Bless
Bob
Spearfish, SD

jouwhoo!


My husband has done me the same way as your first did to you. I was told that I did not deserve his love because the house was not clean enough. I have ADD and need help getting and staying focused. My husband would not help me focus, and he would get so angry anytime anyone would help me. And we have two special needs children, in addition to me dealing with depression and anxiety.

I was not lazy. I did respect him and want to give him a clean home. I just needed help getting started and staying on track, and I needed help with the kids and the cleaning at the same time.

My husband would not allow the help without me paying for it later.

When I look for a new spouse understanding, patience, and kindness are a requirement. I will not waver on that. I've been treated harshly by men my whole life. I need someone nice.

I'll be watching this thread because I want to see more replies and suggestions to you. I want to see how you develop through this season.

Blessings and grace to you!