Overwhelming shame

Please pray for me... I don't know exactly how to describe it... but I feel like so much angst and shame is coming out of me right now. I hope it's coming out to finally leave me for good. It's overwhelming me. I was abuse as a child.. I know verbally, but sometimes I wonder if I was ever sexually abused. I feel so dirty and ashamed right now and I can't explain it. I have a flashback sometimes and wonder what it is.

I have spent years and years trying to cover up any glitch in my outward behavior so that no one knows all of the stuff inside that I've had to deal with. I do this because when people see anything that sends a red flag that I have any kind of issue, they then no longer view me as an equal... no longer have any interest in associating with me. This makes everything inside become worse... and I just have been trying to survive. If I show people what they want to see and expect to see out of me... then I get positive feedback, which has a more positive effect on how I feel about myself. It's at least enough to get me by.

But I know that in order for me to ever truly heal and move on... I'm going to have to continue to reveal every ugly, broken part of me to the world... until it's finally healed. If I'm not vulnerable and open... I won't heal. If I pretend there's nothing wrong... then the problems will never be addressed and worked on. I'm going to have to go through a fire and I pray that the end is soon near....
I've already been through so much.

I just want to be viewed as the person that I am... NOW. I don't want people to treat me a certain way because of my past and how it's hurt me. I don't want to be ashamed of my past any more. I want to heal and live NOW.

Thank you for your prayers. This is the scariest feeling.

Hi and thanks for coming to Healing Ministry..

I will pray for you!! It is my pleasure to do that..

I wouldn't so much show all that to the world.. unless you find a trustworthy person/s who you can talk to that about..

But even really that is not necessary.. You have obviously been through enough pain already and it does so hurt to go over it again.. I believe you would love to have closure right and blessed peace..!!

One of the most wonderful freeing things I can share with you.. Is for you to see Jesus the Son of God hanging on the cross of Calvary for you.. He did not just go to the cross for your sins (the world's sins) but also so you (all of us) could find healing.. for body and soul and spirit..

He that is Jesus Christ took all the punishment of the curse on mankind.. The evil brought on the world because we sinned and did not acknowledge God in our lives and actions.. Satan took full advantage of all of this.. and he laid on us sickness.. pain.. suffering.. and all kinds of abuse.. Burdens that you know are too heavy and which destroy us and make our lives a misery..

Don't be afraid.. the truth of what Jesus did.. and who He is.. compassionate.. loving and gentle.. Will set you free from all of this.. He came from God so that we could be set free.. and live an abundant life..

Let me share some scriptures with you that will encourage you..

Isaiah 53:4-5

Surely he took up our infirmities
and carried our sorrows,
yet we considered him stricken by God,
smitten by him, and afflicted.
But he was pierced for our transgressions,
he was crushed for our iniquities;
the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed.

I encourage you to see Jesus who is beaten.. and destroyed.. and suffering on the cross.. and there upon Him.. is all that you have gone through too.. Your imperfections.. sin and also all that you suffer in the soul, flesh and body..
He knows all You went through because He bore it for you.. so that you could find freedom and healing..

I will pray for your healing now and for the truth of how much God loves you and desires for you.. to birthed into your Spirit!!

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And YOU let me share YOU with others.. every day.. all day.. lol.. JESUS... how blessed am I.. ♥

Sister I am praying for you too, and I agree with Peacechild, you do not have to show all of your past struggle to all of the world, find a trustworthy person or two one that is not judgemental and open up to them and let God heal your l=memories and hurt emotions through them.

But most of all let God in to your heart and soul and let Him pour out His healing oil of gladness and live in the truth that you are His cherished and beloved child!

Bless you sister

Pete

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Papa Penguino

Peacechild and Pete - Thank you for praying me.

It's not that I'm purposely going to go out and make my issues known to everyone. It's that when I stop thinking about the way I appear to others and stop putting up a perfect front and keeping myself in check with what's "expected"... and just be my complete, natural self... people begin to see that something's wrong or different from the norm and then start to treat me differently. I'm no longer on their "level." I think it's, for some, that they have no idea how to deal with it. Others, just criticize me and either think I'm "weird" or that I do things with different (negative) intentions than I really do.

I think there is a bit of weeirdness in us all.. talking of myself here and how I see things.

I think also that everyone else has issues to deal with.. we can never tell anything by how a person appears sometimes even when we think we know them.. so many have struggled with huge unknowns in their lives.. and most would never know..

I know you have so much to give and God will make good all that has gone bad for you.. He will use you to help others and I am sure He has already.. I can sense that in you.. Let go to God.. and take it one day at a time.. You will get there.. I imagine that if you looked back you have come along way forward.. Enjoy today.. and thank God for it.. and be all He created you to be..

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And YOU let me share YOU with others.. every day.. all day.. lol.. JESUS... how blessed am I.. ♥

You know I would wager that people are not half as perceptive of your 'issues' as you believe they are. Remember that you know all about yourself, most other people only know what you chose to reveal to them.

And their judgements will be clouded by their own experiences.

Don't be so harsh on yourself, remember God has forgiven you, so you need to forgive yourself too!

Pete

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Papa Penguino

Praying for you

Please read Released from Shame by Sandra Wilson

Two other avenues to try:
Freedom In Christ Ministries (ficm.org) has a series of confessions that have transformed many lives away from shame to peace.

Theophostic(c) is a form of ministering God's truth that is especially powerful for those who have trauma roots to their shame and low self esteem. http://theophostic.com

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The Abbot of
The Order of Saint Patrick
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