I read that my "pre-empting" are actually mental compulsions which are also obsessions, too.
While that is certainly a comfort, I'm now at a loss for words. I believe that I might have entered the point of no return (spiritually), though emotionally, I'm at the most stable for three weeks with pure-O thoughts.
There are several situations that are like this: I was pre-empting (or rather, performing mental compulsions) to cancel an incoming situation/provide emotional relief, then I (or the OCD) would instantly place another word/sentence due to an urge somewhere - like snowballing
- and the tendency is not to cancel only one of the two sentences, leaving the other true (sort of).
It goes like this:
For example, one of my mental compulsions or pre-empts is "I renounce Jesus not, but Satan", then somewhere in the sentence, between the renounce and Jesus, I (or the OCD) inserts a Holy SPirit word - so the end product is, I won't be able to cancel the Holy Spirit, making is sorta true, right?
Then last Sunday, tons of pre-empts flooded my mind literally - I could've sworn (if it wasn't bad) that it was more than 100 pre-empts - what dsturbed me, however, is my accidental renunciations of Jesus. For example, instead of doing the mental compulsion of thinking "I renounce Jesus not but Satan", I got it all backwards - not once, but four times, OK...
Today, I was all over it again, with maybe >200 pre-empts - again getting the names of Satan and Jesus/God backwards - thereby accidentally renouncing God - several times. I also committed the above stated - the one which I possibly began to snowball willfully
(by thinking about a second word/sentence while still pre-empting the first).
Well, could God forgive my sins (or are these really sins?) based on what my obsessions had done:
1. I had obsessions saying that the Holy Spirit/God/Jesus is the enemy
2. I had obsessions saying that the Holy Spirit/God/Jesus is the false Hindu god Hare Krishna - this happend after I saw out of my car this group of Asians chanting it.
3. All other blasphemous/sacrilegious thoughts and obsessions you could possibly imagine.
4. I had obsessions cursing the Holy Spirit/God/Jesus.
5. Renunciation of God/Jesus/Holy Spirit, though all are accidental.
6. Pre-empts that were mixed up (as above).
7. Pre-empts that I forgot to place a not or to cancel.
And the thing is, I'm not even sure if my pre-empts and the others are obsessions, compulsions or MY thoughts, and I'm sometimes believing that maybe I'm starting to hate/renounce God
PLUS, the above sounds better but they're really like a hundred times worse.
I know I didn't do them willfully (even the mixed up pre-empts) but I have some thoughts that maybe I've willfully renounced God
Emotionally, I'm doing better and I believe I'm nearing deliverance and healing from OCD, though these past three days I'm having an endless stream of pre-empted thoughts (maybe obsessions or compulsions). Well, if some of you could give some reassurance (and a Bible verse) that confirms that I haven't really done the above - well, that would greatly help.
I took the Med entrance exams not really in the mood, so yes, you've guessed it right, I'm not expecting some great results (though God has blessed me in the past with achievements that I know are from Him). I would want to ask for some prayer too, if possible
I also had several blessings during these days too. Maybe God still wants me..