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Married Couples Married Area - Available for those who are married, which is defined as a legal union between one man and one woman.

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  #1  
Unread 23rd October 2003, 11:46 AM
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Christ frigid wife?

i have been married for 1 year and 4 months. my wife and i don't have a good sex life. she does not have a sex drive and could go the rest of her life without it. needless to say i am probably not the greatest lover right now cause we don't have sex very often so it is hard to develop our sex life and get to know each other's bodies. are there any wives here that have struggled with this and what advice does anybody have.

we talked to other night about our relationship in general and the thing that is missing most is deep meaningful conversations. i know this has something to do with her feeling romantic towards me. but other than that we both agreed that everything else is fine. i care for her and love her as much as i can and she feels that i love her, she just doesn't have romantic tendencies.
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  #2  
Unread 23rd October 2003, 12:27 PM
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I wrote an article about this. It's at http://www.familydynamics.net/differ...lsofdesire.htm
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  #3  
Unread 23rd October 2003, 04:11 PM
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I am not married but I can tell you that women need their emotional needs to be met. If her needs are not being met emotionally, she will not feel close to you thus will not want to do anything because she is lacking that closeness and connection.
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  #4  
Unread 23rd October 2003, 11:36 PM
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  #5  
Unread 24th October 2003, 01:19 AM
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For starters, your thread title gives huge insight into many of the problems........... (hint - they may not all be her.)
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  #6  
Unread 24th October 2003, 07:42 AM
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I would recommend that you read Intended for Pleasure by Dr. Ed Wheat. It is a Christian book that will help you learn how to make it a more enjoyable experience for both of you.

Also, since you say that she doesn't feel romantic. I would suggest that you try to find ways to be romantic toward her. Show her how important she is to you - despite the current state of your sex life. She may feel like she is frustrating you or she may feel frustrated since sex is not working out for her. She may feel like something is wrong with her since she doesn't enjoy sex, which would only make her want to do it even less. Help her to feel better about herself and your relationship.

I also agree with MsAnne about the "frigid wife" title. It kind of sounds like you are putting the blame on her. Don't get me wrong, I think that wives should try to please their husbands...but acting like it's her fault that your sex life is not great is not going to help matters.
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  #7  
Unread 24th October 2003, 07:46 AM
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Is she on birth control? This could be playing a part in it, my sex drive decreased dramatically after I went on birth control. Because of this loss of interest, I began to feel guilty and think that something was wrong with me, conversations about how to fix it only made it worse by adding pressure. Try as hard as possible to create an environment where your wife doesn't feel pressured to perform when she doesn't feel up to it. Knowing you accept her no matter what will be one of the best things you can do for her. I will keep you and your wife in my prayers.
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  #8  
Unread 24th October 2003, 08:09 AM
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thanks for the advice, i wasn't trying to put blame on my wife. i know some of the blame if not most of the blame is on me, that is why i was wanting other wives who have felt this way give me some advice on things. i appreciate all of the e-mail. the birth control thing is possible. we were both virgins when we got married, but when we were dating it seems as though it was a big temptation for physical contact with each other that we had to deal with.

i think there are a number of things that just add up. i am just trying to put the pieces together. i feel like i have a 1000 piece puzzle and i have to get them all in the right position before things start turning around. we read 'the act of marriage' by tim lahaye and his wife before we got married. i understand everything in there. it is tricky because every time i do something romantic she feels pressure that i want to have sex and not just show her how much i love her. i love her so much and i serve her in a ton of ways, but we feel like we are best friends instead of lovers. there is just this weird you're my best friend but physical contact is a little weird at times.

i am trying not to put pressure on her as much as possible. we haven't had sex in probable 50 days. i am planning something really awesome for her birthday in a month, so that should be fun.

as for being romantic just 2 nights ago she came home from her bible study and i had laid a couple blankets on the living room floor, lite about 50 tealights and had rose petals all over the living room floor. we also had sparkling grape juice, since we don't like the tast of wine. and we watched instead of pressuring her to have sex i gave her a massage and we cuddled and we watched one of her favorite tv shows. then we went to bed. i didn't pressure her into sex, because i just wanted to give her something without asking for it.

she has also explained to me that she isn't super close with God right now, so i think that has something to do with it. her quiet times aren't as frequent and she hardly prays and she doesn't have another female to totally confide everything in. so there are a lot of factors.

the frigid wife title was a title in the 'the act of marriage' book that we read together. that is where i got it, i wasn't trying to make her out to look bad. she means the world to me.
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  #9  
Unread 24th October 2003, 09:02 AM
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Sorry for jumping to conclusions about the title, I just know I would be really upset if my husband used that term to describe me.

I can relate to her in that when my husband tries to be romantic (which he's still getting the hang of - we've been married for just over a year), I usually feel pressured and feel like his main goal in doing it is to get me interested in sex. I know I shouldn't feel that way, and it is becoming more clear to me that sex is not always his motive for that. It's just taking time.

I'm not really too sure what to say about not having sex for 50 days...you are being very understanding. I think my husband would freak out if we went that long without sex! To solve the problem of me always feeling pressured, we are thinking about taking a short break from sex (like maybe a week) where we both agree that we are not going to have sex so that I can relax and know that anything kind or romantic that he does during that week is just to be nice, without sex as a motive. I don't know if that would be helpful in your situation, since you've gone so long without sex anyway. But maybe since it wasn't anything openly stated, she still feels pressured every time you do something romantic.

I wish I could give more advice, but it kind of sounds like she's really the one in need of advice right now. I guess it kind of sounds like she isn't interested in improving your sex life for whatever reason. I hope that she has a change of heart, because if she's not interested in improving it, I don't know if there's much you can do.

I would say, concentrate on helping her through the rough spiritual time. Maybe once she works on that, it will help things fall into place for improvement in your marriage relationship.
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  #10  
Unread 24th October 2003, 10:48 AM
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You and your wife need good communication. Try to make her feel special. Sometimes the "little things" we do for our spouses mean so much. Help her out around the house. Give her small little gifts, leave love notes where she will find them. Let her know how much she means to you. The closer she feels to you the more she should want to to intimate. Take her on a surprise date. I would suggest you read the book "The Five Love Languages" By: Gary Chapman. It has some good points on helping your marriage be closer. You should be able to find it at most Christian bookstores. God Bless You and I will be praying for you both.
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