reconciliation after violence?

Godkindoflife4 · #11 10th December 2007, 04:49 PM

Originally Posted by knittingmom

My husband and I are separated - this is continued from the post "anyone worked through domestic violence?" in marriage ministry / married couples only. I finally got around to looking at other subforums and realized that marriage restoration is an appropriate place for the question.

Do you think it's possible to reconcile after violence?

See the previous post for a detailed explanation of the situation. The problem with reconciliation is that he thinks it's okay to throw me around, strangle me, slap me until I'm bruised. He won't listen to the court if they tell him that he was wrong (we go Monday about the restraining order I took out on him), he won't listen to the couple's counselor we've been seeing...but he might listen to one particular priest. I want to offer Monday to drop the restraining order, but continue living with my parents, if he will go to that particular Mass with me, speak with that particular priest about the situation, and go to counseling with me (there's a Catholic organization out of town that does marriage counseling, he might take them seriously). I've also looked into Retrouvaille, and there's a program in February.

I know that this won't work unless he wants to address the situation honestly, and unless he'll accept being told that what he's done is wrong. The priest might convince him. I don't know.

I'm a little late replying to this.

It is definitely not right for your husband to be allowed to just push you around, strangle you ect. Both you and your husband are equal for the bible says that when a man and woman are married, they become one flesh---equal to one another. Not one person above the other. Work together as one team. Definitely get this solved as soon as possible. Counseling for sure for your husband. Hopefully he will listen to the marriage counselors and realize what he is doing is completely wrong.

I'll be praying for your marriage to be restored and better than ever!

Godkindoflife4 · #12 10th December 2007, 04:55 PM

Originally Posted by knittingmom

It's not that he's losing control so much as it is that he justifies violence. He sat down today and told me that while he used to have an anger problem, he doesn't any more- he showed me a ladder diagram in an anger management book and said "I never got above rung 2 - the cold shoulder. But 'demanding and threatening,' 'chasing and restraining,' 'physical violence' - I never did those, not on a regular basis." But he DID, all of them. I have bruises from him.

So I don't know where to go from there. If he doesn't believe that he did what he did, or if he thinks it was justified, then we just can't fix anything. I'll stay married, but I won't live with him again and I'll get custody of our baby (I'm pregnant). I guess his worldview would have to do a 180 - not just his self control. And I can't change that.

We're going to a counselor tomorrow. I'm throwing everything on the table, and I'm expecting my husband to either blame me or walk out of the room.

Oh - and he has sought counseling for himself since I left our home last week. But based on the conversation we had today, I don't think he's telling them what he actually did to me.

I be praying for your husband that he will realize his mistakes by the end of ya'lls next marriage counseling.

God Bless!

jwwells · #13 11th December 2007, 05:35 AM

Originally Posted by knittingmom

snip

Do you think it's possible to reconcile after violence?

See the previous post for a detailed explanation of the situation. The problem with reconciliation is that he thinks it's okay to throw me around, strangle me, slap me until I'm bruised. He won't listen to the court if they tell him that he was wrong (we go Monday about the restraining order I took out on him), he won't listen to the couple's counselor we've been seeing...but he might listen to one particular priest. I want to offer Monday to drop the restraining order, but continue living with my parents, if he will go to that particular Mass with me, speak with that particular priest about the situation, and go to counseling with me (there's a Catholic organization out of town that does marriage counseling, he might take them seriously). I've also looked into Retrouvaille, and there's a program in February.

I know that this won't work unless he wants to address the situation honestly, and unless he'll accept being told that what he's done is wrong. The priest might convince him. I don't know.

Is it possible to reconcile? Yes, in some cases. No, in other cases.

Generally speaking, for our society, it will be easier to have reconciliation if the violence is female victim and male offender. Male batterers are openly looked down upon in our society and that may be helpful. Women are sympathized with, which also can be helpful. There's far too much support for a woman's right to be violent for the female offender to learn not to be violent.

In your particular case, he must learn that HE IS WRONG! He must learn that through and through: He must learn to take responsibility for his actions and for his wrongs. You must learn that YOU have the right to be treated properly. Both things must happen.

Can this happen? It all depends on HIM! His choices, good or evil, are the ones which matter.

ALed93 · #14 15th January 2008, 07:35 PM

Abuse is abuse... I'm struggling with this situation myself, though not to the degree that you are. I know God would want you to first of all be safe.

ABUSE IS NOT LOVE!

The definition of love as from I Corinthians 13: 4-8...
Love is: patient, kind
Love is NOT: proud, rude, self seeking, easily angered
Love does: keeps no record of wrong, rejoices with the truth
Love does NOT: envy, boast, delight in evil
Love always: protects, trust, hopes, perserverers
Love never: fails

I will be praying for you! God Bless YOU!

FaithfulWife · #15 15th January 2008, 08:11 PM

It is possible to reconcile after domestic violence, and I've seen it happen. Here's what it looks like usually:

The husband and wife fight; he lays hands on her; she calls the police; they arrest him; he convinces her to not charge him but she can't get charges dropped because it's the CITIZENS charging him--not her. She gets a restraining order for her protection and moves in with her parents to get on her feet. He pressures her to let the restraining order die. He's not supposed to contact her but he keeps emailing, IM-ing, etc. trying to still control her.

Sound familiar so far??

Here's how it looks when reconciliation occurs:

The husband and wife fight; he lays hands on her; she calls the police; they arrest him; he convinces her to not charge him but she can't get charges dropped because it's the CITIZENS charging him--not her. She gets a restraining order for her protection and moves in with her parents to get on her feet. He honors the restraining order and decides to really examine himself and work on himself. It's lonely and frustrating to be without his family, but he does it anyway because he made this bed he's laying in. He goes to all of his court-ordered anger management for a year on his own--without a reminder or "help" to get a ride. He goes to his own individual counselor and actually examines himself, and he realizes that all these years he has not taken personal responsibility for his actions.

All this takes about a year or more. He takes the next year making amends, continuing his individual counseling, and working on his anger management. He does not rush his wife or force her or mention the word "submit" but he does see if she might consider reconciling and respects her decision even if it's no. He DOES NOT focus on "YOU did this and YOU did that" but rather sets his pride aside and says, "This is what I did that directly contributed to the downfall of our marriage" and he keeps the focus on doing his own work. He's right with God and is willing to demonstrate that by real changes in his behavior and choices. He's gentle and understanding of the hurt he caused his wife "in his angry years" and let's her express her anger and fears without threats or punishment. He doesn't not "pretend it never happened" and "sweep it under the rug" but rather he faces those dark days HEAD ON and admits where he went wrong.

THAT is when the wife would be wise to possibly consider thinking of reconciliation--and I would advise she test him for at least another year or two and have him prove to her over a long period of time not just that he can "hold his temper" (while steaming under the collar) but rather than his whole nature has changed due to working on his own issues and getting right with God.

If those things DO NOT OCCUR, then I do not believe it is possible to reconcile after domestic violence. The cycle of violence will just continue and escalate upward.

~Faithful